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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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UnstuffedGiraffe posted 2/26/2021 14:06 PM

I’ve been reading but haven’t had the mental energy to post. I agree with everything said about MILs and can relate to most of it. Also agree with everything said about creepy computer guy, good job getting riding that one.

Tallgirl posted 2/26/2021 17:38 PM

TA

The more I read about your husband, the more these words have to be said about him:


What an ASSHOLE!

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:39 PM, February 26th (Friday)]

Throwaway999 posted 2/26/2021 18:21 PM

TG - I call him a f-ing asshole almost everyday out loud to him...not that he can hear me.

So MIL finally got in touch with me again...and said what she should have said months and months ago...she was sorry for what me and the kids are going through and hopes to be there for us. I am glad she reached out but I am personally taking a step back from his family. I hope they stick to their words and continue to stay in my kids lives.

[This message edited by Throwaway999 at 11:05 AM, February 27th, 2021 (Saturday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 3/1/2021 09:47 AM

Goddesses?


Where do you think this cheating crap comes from?

Both of my sisters cheated on their husbands, but not me. Same parents

WH and his youngest brother also cheated on their wives. Also same parents

skeetermooch posted 3/1/2021 11:12 AM

So MIL finally got in touch with me again...and said what she should have said months and months ago...she was sorry for what me and the kids are going through and hopes to be there for us. I am glad she reached out but I am personally taking a step back from his family. I hope they stick to their words and continue to stay in my kids lives.

That's validating. I'm glad she was decent. You deserve that.
Where do you think this cheating crap comes from?

I think we live in a selfish, materialistic, instant gratification culture. Combined with that, we are so removed from our natural state - growing and gathering food, spending our time engaged in meaningful activities - with our families and in nature - being actual human animals. The internet/cell phones intensify all of the worst parts of contemporary life and makes access to cheating very very easy. Cheating is just another source of dopamine and distraction - like junk food and video games.

I think people must be so fundamentally unhappy and sick to cheat and I don't know the answer as to how to fix it.

Tallgirl posted 3/1/2021 11:16 AM

I don’t know. It is so sad how prevalent infidelityis.

The end of my marriage has started for real.

I am so sad and emotional. I am a mess. I wish I was joyful.

gmc94 posted 3/1/2021 12:44 PM

Oh TG... thinking of you.

I think I'll be on that trajectory sometime this year, and I think my "inner self" has always known it will be an effing bitch to cope. Knowing a thing and experiencing it are not the same.

Why do cheaters cheat? I dunno.
I can only speak to my own experience, and my WH is broken AF from waay waaaay waaaaay back.
Could be his parents/attachment style (and siblings with same parents don't always have same attachment. Birth order can also play an important part, but IMHO being a child of the same parents is the same as the old saying that you can NEVER stand in the same river twice, bc the current is always flowing).

I've read that folks can get a kind of relationship detachment (for lack of a better term) from early romantic experiences, so it could be that his first "real" (or long term) girlfriend cheated on him when he was ~20yrs old. He was studying abroad & planned to stay the summer, but once he found out he hightailed it back to to the US to try and reconcile. Basically several months of "pick me dance" until she called it off (I wanna say I think they were engaged). After that, he's either been a cheater or an AP in EVERY relationship. The women that treated him like shit he always went back to... the ones that loved and treated him well, he cheated on. Go figure.

My opinion really does change with the type of an A.
I honestly believe that ONS are more situational than anything. Obviously they do great damage and the cheater's value system still needs to be addressed, but I see that as very likely reconcilable.
The one time A of a few weeks/months? More difficult and certainly points to a different issue of integrity and character.
The serials and LTA cheaters? They are DAMAGED in a big way. And I DO believe they cause much greater harm to the BS and I DO believe the odds of R are extremely slim.

My WH had a ONS shortly before we M. The difference between that ONS and learning of his LTA are like night & day. I do NOT say this to minimize the pain of a ONS one bit. It still hurts and it's still wrong and it can still be traumatizing. Had my WH kept it zipped after that ONS, it would NEVER have factored in our M in any way (as it hadn't for more than 20 years between the ONS and dday). But the LTA? That will haunt me for the rest of my life (and even after dday, the ONS has not caused me any additional trauma - it's really only factored to the extent that I simply have zero reason to believe that he hadn't been having PAs our entire M)

Tho, when I think about it, I suppose I could add another factor when I consider the ONS in conjunction with the LTA, which is a kind of "you're not the boss of me" bullshite in that the ONS was situational as a way to "act out" his anger at me (we'd had a big fight the night he did it).

But really, who the F knows.
It happened. No one can change that.

EllieKMAS posted 3/1/2021 13:14 PM

The end of my marriage has started for real.

I am so sad and emotional. I am a mess. I wish I was joyful.

TG I was a hot mess too right at the beginning. I cried myself into a raisin the day I filed for D and for days thereafter.

The joy took some time for me to feel, but once it did... It's hard to describe it. But man is it a beautiful thing!

Cry your cries and feel your feels. I promise you that feeling of freedom and joy will come to you.

(((TG)))

skeetermooch posted 3/1/2021 15:44 PM

So sorry TG - it's rough but it gets a bit better every day. You won't feel this terrible forever, I promise.

GMC - cheating is so prevalent that it's scary. I have a friend who says, "Women cheat because they're unhappy and men cheat because they can." I know this is all kinds of problematic - but I do think men are raised to put notches in their bedposts - that's being a big man. They have a very hard time resisting opportunity. I would've thought by my XH's age the urge to sow his oats would be long past but apparently that's not always the case.

EllieKMAS posted 3/1/2021 15:53 PM

Women cheat because they're unhappy and men cheat because they can
Welp I musta missed that gene... When I am unhappy I "add to cart" or eat nachos

I just have to believe that there are men in the world that are like me and would never cheat. Cus I know I never would - I wouldn't have even before being a BS, and definitely wouldn't now knowing the kind of soul-searing pain it causes.

Throwaway999 posted 3/1/2021 16:39 PM

Where does the cheating crap come from?

Isn’t that the million dollar question for all of us!

For me the most honest answer from WH...was because he wanted to. The sex started as ONS and he easily got away with it...and I think as he continued and never got caught...he just got deeper and deeper into seeing how much he could get away with. Part of his lies though the years was that he was never any good with technology...now I know that was a lie that he hid behind...clearly he was better than he ever let on to me and the kids.

He was also a BS in his first marriage...when we met I thought it would “affair proof” us. Wrong again...LTA with ex wife too. I don’t get that one...if you have felt the pain, how could you ever do it to someone else?

I know that I will never know or understand why he did what he did...Multiple LTA’s and years of cheating and lies. He did because he wanted to. And didn’t care about me or the kids....words straight out of his mouth.

In my book...they are all cowards

LadyG posted 3/1/2021 18:20 PM

Where do you think this cheating crap comes from?
It makes me wonder?

I have known cheaters who have ended their own lives due to their own infidelity, yet cheaters don’t heed the warnings.

Cigarette packages warn you that you could die from smoking just one cigarette, yet we are dying of cancer every day.

I can only imagine marriage ceremonies where the celebrant warns you that you could die if you break your vows, especially the ones of being faithful, loyal and forsaking all others. Breaking these vows will lead to cancer of the heart, head and soul. It will be a long and painful ultimate death. There is no cure and treatment is a temporary fix.

Even my stbxwh had an uncle who attempted suicide after his wife left him. It was an abusive marriage. They were reunited but both passed away soon after leaving 3 young boys orphaned. The youngest was 3. WH was in his teens when this all happened. The eldest of his orphaned cousins also suicided in his 20’s.

Is cheating like a contagious virus? Some of us are immune, others get immunised and others get and spread the disease.

I had a rough night... I could go on but it’s the same old with Stbxwh. Nothing changes. Just a narcissist with cancer now.

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 3/1/2021 19:34 PM

In my book...they are all cowards

Yep!

The question that has been nagging me is why do some of us attract cheaters? Both of my brothers wives cheated in the first few years of their marriage and are divorced. For a long time I thought I had found someone who would never cheat, nope I just took a lot longer to figure it out.

skeetermooch posted 3/1/2021 19:44 PM

Welp I musta missed that gene... When I am unhappy I "add to cart" or eat nachos

Me too - thank goddess for online shopping and snacks!

I knew a friend of a friend who was a full blown sa - nonstop hookers for years. He caught herpes eventually and knew his wife would know he cheated so he killed himself - drove his car into a wall at high speed. Left behind young kids.

It's not rational - they gamble the relationships they value the most. I guess that's why gambling and sex addictions often co-occur - they are risk takers. The gamble it all away for something most of us find unappealing and cheap. It's some desperate, deep-seated pathological crap.

20yrsagoBS posted 3/3/2021 17:12 PM

I have a great riddle!


What do you call the end piece of a loaf of bread?


The Ho

Because everyone has had it

But no one really wants it

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 5:12 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

LadyG posted 3/4/2021 17:37 PM

20, I have always hated that cheap nasty pre sliced bread. WH often ate the ends.

I think a new metaphor for my marriage happened.

Cleaning up my old garden last week I noticed aphids all over my roses. WH offered to spray them all with rose spray. I left and didn’t give it another thought.

In my absence, WH picked up the weed spray instead and doused my roses.

He killed the aphids alright.

My roses look like something from the Adams Family. All dry crumpled and dead.

It’s the story of my marriage.

WH spraying poison onto something beautiful.

Normally I would have been devastated by this but I feel nothing. I am just so used to being disappointed that I expect it.

20yrsagoBS posted 3/5/2021 21:32 PM

Oh LadyG,


I am sorry your WH killed your roses like he killed your marriage


Hugs

ladyphoenix posted 3/6/2021 06:06 AM

I am having a very hard time spending time with my in-laws since I found out about WH A. We haven’t told family (aside from my sister) and don’t plan to. I have no interest in them discussing my life behind my back.

I want to find blame in his parents since now all of their children have cheated. I wonder if there was infidelity that they witnessed. I wonder if they were raised to feel entitled. They were often told that they “deserve to have fun” because they work hard. That statement is in relation to recreation activities, but became WH self talk when he was making the choice to spend time with COW.

I feel angry around them because I feel like they did a shitty job raising their kids to be good people. They taught him to suppress his feelings and be passive aggressive. And then I feel shame because they just did the best they could with what they knew. They are good people and I love them. I think I am just looking for some “aha moment” that explains the source of the brokenness in WH to betray his own integrity.

I am so conflicted about this. Just one more thing to bring up with MC I guess.

Tallgirl posted 3/6/2021 08:52 AM

Hi LadyPhoenix

I understand your anger.

My ex told himself he deserved to be happy. After a lot of counselling he came to realize he had issues that he didn’t know about. It shaped him, his behaviour, his choices, his perspective. BUT he CHOSE to do something that he swore he would never do and go against his own values. Something he watched his father do, at the cost of his family. Something he hated about his father.

Your husband chose to cheat on his wife. He is fully accountable. He owns all of his choice.

I am sure his family is making you nuts right now, I get it. Can you avoid them. Take a health break?

ladyphoenix posted 3/6/2021 11:42 AM

Tall girl,
My FWH also played the “deserves to be happy” card. It’s maddening from the BS perspective, I too deserve to be happy but I am not using this horrible experience as an excuse to “be happy” with someone else. He sees now that he has to look for happiness within himself instead of expecting someone else to create it for him. I see such a change in him in that regard.

As far as the in-laws, we used to visit with them several times a week. Now with covid we may only see them monthly. They are high risk and I am concerned about their health. Our kids went over for supper last week and normally I would have gone too, instead I opted out and stayed home. I just don’t have the energy to pretend.

I usually am ok for about an hour socializing with them and then I get agitated and need to leave. I know it’s not their fault. That his choices were all his own. He takes full responsibility for what he did. We are working on communicating in ways that are respectful to each other. He is learning to express his feelings and not suppress anger or conflict.

I am content to have this new boundary up with them. Not so much entwined and connected in our lives. More on my schedule and less on a drop in basis.

This train of thought came up for me this weekend because he went away for the night and his mother said “you deserve to have fun”. It triggered me. It’s a phrase I have heard a lot from her.

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