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Can a Man Come On Too Strong?

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itsa(bad)dream posted 8/26/2020 09:00 AM

I recently got a message on a dating site from a man who lives in my town. Right away he was eager to meet and sent me his phone number in the first email. Also wanted to meet even before I replied. After a few emails I called him. He was super excited to hear from me since we knew the same people, etc.

From that day on the texts started. Every morning “hello sweetie”, want to meet somewhere today? More texts and phone calls during the day. Even though I didn’t respond, he still sent texts. I spoke with him again, and we had many acquaintances in common. Finally I agreed to meet him at an outside restaurant last week. The minute I got out of the car he was so happy to meet me, telling I looked wonderful, and saying again “I couldn’t wait to meet you “.. he must have said at least 5 times that night how excited he was that we finally met. Then he said eagerly “please get me off that dating site”.

by the end of the evening he was already wanting to make plans to continue the date THAT night, saying “where can we go now”? He had already tried holding my hand across the table, holding my hand walking back to the car, and a small kiss good night. He wanted more kisses but I drew back at that point. This was just all too much for me on a first date, and our first meeting..

He has blown up my phone since then wanting to make more plans. I answered 1 text saying maybe Wednesday (tonight) would work. So I’m wondering if his “super interest” is turning me off? He was a nice guy, but no romantic connection on my part. I know he is looking for a relationship quickly and because we live so close he feels it’s perfect.

Can his super intensity be causing me to not even want a second date?

twicefooled posted 8/26/2020 09:05 AM

Your gut is telling you something. Just because HE is super excited about all of it doesn't mean that you have to be on that same level so quickly.

This would make me uncomfortable as well. Have you asked some of your acquaintances-in-common about him?

EllieKMAS posted 8/26/2020 09:24 AM

I was just.... my soul was cringing reading this. Yeah, if I were you, this behavior would be an absolute NO and a definite "Sorry sir but fuck off". It's one thing if both parties are feeling the spark and things move fast, but he is clearly not reading the room. On a long-term level after what I've been through, that would worry me immensely because he clearly cares more about his damn self then he does about other's feelings. It's "cute" when it's texting after a first date, really not so cute when it's cheating on their wife.

Sweetie??? My fucking MOM doesn't even call me that. I detest pejorative nicknames.

Yeah, I'd run far and fast from this guy. He's way off. And btw - you don't 'owe' him a second date either...

NeverTwice posted 8/26/2020 09:53 AM

I am with EllieKMAS. I cringed hard reading that. I would be a definite turnoff for me.

But - I might try telling him that. Something like I appreciate the enthusiasm but you need to back off a bit because, quite honestly, you are coming across like a needy, hormonal teenager.

But only you can decide if it is worth even that much.

Good luck out there - it ain't pretty sometimes.

wildbananas posted 8/26/2020 09:59 AM

This would be a hard pass from me...... way too much, way too soon. Actually, I'd probably run if my SO of 7 years acted like this, too.

It's okay to say no. And it's okay for it to be too much. You don't have to do ANYTHING you aren't comfortable with.

AnnieOakley posted 8/26/2020 09:59 AM

Absolutely someone can come on too strong. I would definitely be reaching out to your mutual contacts for references.

If by chance those check out I may consider keeping the date but I would set down clear and polite boundaries. Trust your gut!!

newlife03 posted 8/26/2020 10:01 AM

He sounds desperate to be in a relationship. Please get me off that dating site? Like the others, I was cringing with the sweetie and all that...just too soon in my opinion.

JanaGreen posted 8/26/2020 10:05 AM

I would run screaming.

itsa(bad)dream posted 8/26/2020 10:19 AM

Oh you guys are wonderful - thank you for the comments. By the way, we are both in our 60’s so that’s another reason I find it so strange.
I’m on my way out the door with my grandkids but I just had to tell you all this —- he sent me two texts yesterday and I didn’t reply. JUST NOW my phone dinged and I cringed. Yep - another text that read “ Hi honey - I hope you have a wonderful day”.. with a flower emoji..

Ugh.... I’ll write more later on...
Thanks again.. you give great advice.!,

FaithFool posted 8/26/2020 11:10 AM

Oh dear god no.

siracha posted 8/26/2020 11:19 AM

No idea if he is a con artist a psycho trying to make his ex gf jealous or socially awkward but Def just the wrong guy for you there is no nice way to let anyone down , just be honest tell him he has alot of things going for him but there was no chemistry - and wish him well

crazyblindsided posted 8/26/2020 11:22 AM

This would be a HUGE red flag for me. My STBX came on too strong and made me feel like I was on top of the world. I believe this is lovebombing and he could possibly have a personality disorder.

devotedman posted 8/26/2020 11:46 AM

If I ever act that way, somebody either shoot me or commit me because my mind has clearly gone.

Love-bombing, mental infirmity, or just poor social skills, there is something wrong with this guy.

Eta - what faithful said above.

Next him, find another.

[This message edited by devotedman at 11:47 AM, August 26th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

HappyTree posted 8/26/2020 13:13 PM

I would not be as interested in someone like that. They are not actually in love with me, just the idea of who they perceive me to be.

A year ago I spent a week in Costa Rica. I met a guy in a hostel and we hung out alot and had fun together. By the end of the week he was seriously in love with me. Meanwhile, I was super annoyed by him. He needed to grow up and mature more. He needed to find his own happiness and not think that someone else was going to give it to him.

You can try telling this guy that you need more space, but I'm thinking its not going to work with him, anyways.

lieshurt posted 8/26/2020 13:43 PM

Oh, I could not tolerate that behavior. Definitely waving a giant red flag.

itsa(bad)dream posted 8/26/2020 14:58 PM

I don’t really know anyone to call that may be still in touch with him or his reputation but the one thing he told me was he got kicked out of the Catholic school we both went to. It only went up to 8th grade so he had issues before the age of 13.. then we both knew the same people from high school but he was 3 years behind me so it wasn’t like we ran in the same circles.

My first impression was he was a nice guy, easy conversation, but no sparks. I’m guilty of not giving people a chance because I don’t feel a connection — so in the past couple of years I’ve tried to change that. One guy I dated six times, and it just wasn’t there for me. He suggested coming over some time to watch a movie, and I thought oh, no. I don’t like him enough to,get all cozy, and have him know where I live. Lol So I sent the dreaded text saying “ I think you’re a wonderful person but I’m not feeling any romantic feeling after all this time, and I think it’s best if we don’t continueI..”

But this time, this guy is just contacting me too much!!! And now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to try to see if things get better. Guess I have to send a text again. Any ideas on how to word it nicely?

Adlham posted 8/26/2020 15:05 PM

Full disclosure- I am a domestic violence survivor, so please bear in mind that I am hypervigilant when it comes to certain behaviors.

With the caveat out of the way, let me just say RUN!

His behavior feels somewhat controlling. It feels like he's a predator looking for women with low self-esteem who will be flattered by all the attention.

My abusive ex was like that. Your post brought up some old anxieties for me.

Please don't think I am saying this guy is an abuser. It is just your description makes all my bells and whistles go off and I just want you to be super careful.

Westway posted 8/26/2020 15:07 PM

Yeah... he's weird.

Danger Will Robinson... danger!

EllieKMAS posted 8/26/2020 15:35 PM

You can just say the same "You're nice but...". TBH how he reacts to that will be very telling tho. Don't be surprised if he goes all crazy-like.

Unfortunately, there isn't a *nice* way to say "You are a clingy needy mess and I fear a future with you would mean daily frustration and irritation and please do not call me sweetie and you honestly kinda creep me the fuck out". I mean... dress it up, but that's what it is really.

Ugh - I HHHAAAAAAATTTTEEEEE having to have that convo. Not that I think it's okay, but I get why people just ghost instead of having it.

Phoenix1 posted 8/26/2020 16:09 PM

Something as simple as, "You appear to be a nice person, but I am just not feeling a connection. Good look with your search."

That kind of behavior would seriously weird me out. Hard pass.

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