The1stWife
Do t let the STBXW mess with your mind and undermine your plans b/c “it doesn’t work for her”.
That is the game she is playing. She was happy to plan your downfall and participate in it so to speak. But now that she’s not in control and her lifestyle will change she’s “ sobbing and can’t talk to you”.
You have a well thought out plan for your future. She left you with no choice unfortunately. She went too far down a path and would not step up and be honest.
She’s mostly upset she cannot have things go her way - which was to keep you around until she was done with the marriage. Not have you decide to end the marriage and ruin her plans.
Sometimes there is no turning back. Her behavior was terrible. Her choices were made and now she has to suffer the consequences and she doesn’t like it. Boohooo.
Oh no, that's not what's going on in my mind at all. In fact, after reflecting on things I'm more confident in my decision about living with my parents for a bit. Her concerns are SOLELY about herself. I have said before that I'm nervous because of the smoking. Had she presented a list of sources, articles, and that sort of thing regarding my children, smoking, etc - I think I would have been questioning myself.
Instead she just brought up garbage about how this all effected her. SHIT, being REAL honest, every complaint she had made me think - oh, she's right, my parents will be there for my kids, that's a good reason to move in with them... I mean, I knew this stuff - and she's validating it. It's like the ultimate objective viewpoint on why I definitely should move in with them for a little while.
Now that I realize her 'I can't talk to you' has to do with my plans, well, okay. That's cool with me - I wasn't involved in her plans of fucking some other dude, why should she be involved with my plans to escape from infidelity? She shouldn't.
You are totally correct - this was all about herself and the fall out and not being able to control me. All I can do is shrug my shoulders and say 'thanks for the validation that what I'm doing is correct'.
BeyondRage
So you have it all wrong. She has been fucking this guy without even trying to hide it, refuses to stop talking to him, but you had it all wrong.
unfortunately, its too bad you didn't get her to explain that and how she thinks doing it "her way" makes you have it all wrong. Unfucking unbelievable.
Yup, I've been totally wrong - why can't I see it from her cake-eating perspective? She's full of shit. Incidentally, I've been meaning to respond to you - I think that her knowing about the lawyers has really shaken her up. I know she's still talking with him - and her family - but I don't know where she's doing it. I heard one conversation where she was basically asking for him to make her feel better, as in 'things will be okay, right?' but even then, that was like a 2 minute conversation. I think she's really paranoid.
I had shit to do on Saturday - some related to this (switching up auto payments to my new bank account) and some not (had to do something for my parents, car inspected). I get a text from her asking about my whereabouts, what I'm doing, does she need to hire a lawyer and am I going to my lawyer. I said that it's never a bad idea to go to a lawyer, but I'm not going to mine right now.
She doesn't have a partner. She has an unemployed fuck buddy that she refuses to give up and now it time for her to have some consequences.
Lol, very true.
Maybe I got this wrong. But the sister who is also cheating on her husband has made you her knight in shining armor. Her hero. Now could that be because she knows that you have the ability with one phone call to blow her fucking world up????
Eh, a little wrong - this is the sexually abused sister - she's been cheated on by her (ex)husband and her current boyfriend. You are thinking of the other sister. The 'religious one'.....
I blew up the sister's other relationship by basically confirming that she was cheating on her baby's father. That was a few years ago. I realize there's A LOT of messed up shit here and it's hard to keep straight.
Sounds to me like the two of them cooked this one up. If the sister can convince you your wife is crazy and not just a devious cheater, maybe you will weaken.
Lost DO NOT GO FOR THIS BULL SHIT.
Again, dsepite all the tears and angst, she STILL HAS NOT offered any proof or committment to end this affair once and for all on YOUR terms. And you know she has been lying to you every day.
Stay the course and do not fall for this please. You have come too far and endured too much.
Yes, you are correct - My wife is not going to do anything on my terms, with regard to her fuckboi. Even if she did - at this point, how could I trust her again?
Marz
The tears are for her and the consequences of her actions.
IMO stop talking. Nothings changed.
What’s talking getting you?
Is it bad if I say pancakes? She makes them from scratch and they are pretty damned good. Plus, I feel more validated about my decisions.
ChamomileTea
Most studies agree that kids just need one SANE parent. Yours have you. That's enough. Bonus that the grandparents can help ease them through the transition. I think you've got a good plan going, and your WW doesn't like it but that's okay. This is what happens when a person decides to cheat and to destroy their family dynamic. And I'll be honest with you, a little adversity is a good instructor in life. My parents were divorced, and I didn't turn into an ex-wielding murderer.
I appreciate this. My kids are currently my biggest worry. I totally think that my parents will help them. Thank you for validating my plan. I feel like the conversation with my wife provided good evidence that EVEN SHE thinks that my parents will be good for the kids, albeit in a whiney 'what about me', kind of way.
In terms of the SIL... dude, none of that sounds normal. It's a little too over-the-top.
Keep some distance there.
Oh, it's not. She was abused by her father. I have a dilemma when it comes to her. I think I've mentioned it before and I probably already got some advice about it - but I'm struggling with it.
The dilemma:
My wife's father physically hit the kids, mother, all growing up. He also sexually abused (as far as I know, only) the SIL. The SIL was able to put him away in jail for at least a decade. He got out, he lives about an hour and a half away. He married a woman with my wife's name. After his release the mother talked with him, somewhat. I'm not sure how often - I know she met up with him to 'return a wallet'. The mother dies and the Aunt tells my wife about all this and gives my wife the contact information for the father.
My wife, great decision maker that she is, starts emailing him. She 'wants to know if she can forgive him' - whatever. I think her mother died and she's looking for any parents she can get. I know that she's told 'dad' about our kids and shown him a picture - which outrages me to no end.
I'm fairly certain that she's talked about her sisters & brothers.
I feel compelled to let the older sister know about all of this. I'm not going to do anything that would jeopardize my mediation though, so it would have to be a few months from now. I keep going back and forth on this.
sorryforeverythi
Stay away from the sister in law.
I see something blowing up in your face with it. Some acquisition that you did something inappropriate.
DONT TALK TO HER WITHOUT A WITNESS PRESENT.
I hadn't considered that.
squid
Stop interacting with her and her sister. This will only lead to you trying to understand their craziness which hinders your recovery.
Her tears are only for her
My concern with regard to the sister is related to the dilemma I posted above. I feel like, were I her, I would want to know this information.
goalong
Looks like she is getting lot of pressure from her family to reconcile though she may be still vying for her BF. Now are you 100% on D? Then you need to be on guard that she may turn combative out of her current situation where she is pulled from all directions.
If you are 100% on D it is good that you are not arguing or criticizing her. Regarding agreeing on the logistics like sharing expenses you can keep pressing for a fair deal without going in to her excuses.
Maybe? She sputtered about having no support. I think she wants to somehow manipulate me into staying in the Town House, so that she can afford it better. That's what I think. I don't think reconciliation is on her mind at all. I'm about as close to 100% on divorce as I think I'm going to be able to get. I can't put up with this and I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about her 'plots' and such.
KingofNothing
On thing I’m seeing again and again and again in this saga is your wife saying: “ I can’t talk to you”. It’s like a mantra with her. The sequel to this statement is usually her crying and walking out of the room. You got it all wrong... what did you get wrong? Is she not a married woman in a relationship with another man? What does she specifically say you are wrong about? Big girl words... as I’ve said before, she baffles me.
It's an excuse she uses to try to put some blame on me. It's ridiculous nonsense.
So, what does “talking to her” entail? What counterpoint is she suggesting? That’s one thing I’ve not seen yet— and I think I’ve read every one of your posts, but hey I might have missed something. My point is, using words instead of hints, sobbing declarations or whatever, what the hell does she want out of you??? You have caught her red handed twice, trying to stay in a state of adultery. She (as far as I can see) has never explained that phone call you overheard. I’ll be danged if I can figure out when she actually said what she wishes you would do. Just a lot of sobbing about how she’s being misunderstood and you won’t listen. Or this playing for time bullshit.
Well, this time she was just crying, speaking vaguely, at one point she was almost yelling - she was saying that she had no support, that I have my parents, and some other things. In the past she has floated a few ideas - I shoot them down because they do not serve my interests and some of them are, well, just plain stupid. She then starts in on the 'this is our problem, we can't talk'. I say 'our problem is your lack of integrity and morals'.
She needs to use her words - you are correct. I think she just doesn't want to actually say what she really means because she realizes that it's not in my best interest and only an idiot would accept it. During the conversation I was perfectly calm. I didn't interrupt her, didn't yell, wasn't all that confrontational. She still couldn't articulate what I was 'ignoring'.
As to 'the call', she maintains that her counselor (the IC one, not the MC) told her to 'consider both options (me and the dickbag) and try to plan out what each of them would look like. The counselor also said 'try not to talk to the dickbag for 2 weeks'.
So, she's trying to tell me that, four days later, she calls up the dickbag to ask him 'about the plans for the future'. How her plans with him entail her and I continuing with therapy while she plans vacations and shit with him I don't know.
But that's the nonsensical bullshit she came up with.
That.. that right there... she always does that!
It's her go to when she knows she's wrong.
Obviously she wants you around to pay for things. It is in her self interest. You can see through that easily, you’ve already posted on that. But I’ve never seen one comment from her outlining what she wants YOU to do... you reference conversations where I imagine she must be referring to reconciliation but it’s like she never describes what reconciliation with her would be like. What is she doing to even make that a reasonably attractive offer? What is the upside for you? What could she possibly offer you that would make you change your mind at this point?
Honestly, she's not even attempting to make reconciliation reasonably attractive to me. Her pitch is that she's messed up, she needs help, she needs time, and she needs to do things her way. That's her pitch. She's repeatedly said that the only reason she was considering staying was because of the kids.
I ask this because.. it’s kind of obvious what a future with her is going to be like. It takes a special kind of clueless to think that would be something you’d like.
Exactly. I'm like, you aren't exactly selling this to me....
Final note. You have come a long way in this thing. It’s very noticeable how you are interacting with her in a mature, responsive but unemotional manner now— instead of reacting in a rage or trying to engage in snide, unproductive bickering. You’ve made your position clear about what you will do to get out of infidelity and find happiness. You are seeing through the obvious ploys in the cheaters handbook. It’s a long journey yet, but you have acquitted yourself well and maintained your ethical position. You are being the responsible one. Clearly, you are on the high ground, and it threatens her. Be wary of last minute mental and emotional gymnastics.
Yes, it's a long journey. Next week is the first day of mediation. I'm hoping my hopes aren't too high and that it'll be what I imagine.
EllieKMAS
Hey Lost - I hate that I am so cynical, buuuuut.... watch yourself with stbxSIL please. That sounds... off to me. If she tries to get you alone again, maybe try to think of a polite way of refusing.
Sounds like things are moving though. How you holding up other than the obvious?
No, you are correct to be - the whole family is messed up - I think the sister is legit, but I've been wrong before. She's been cheated on a LOT and she hates it.
As to how I'm holding up? I still have ups and downs. It's a lot different than it was in the beginning though. I'll go through anger and something akin to resigned sorrow. It's like, I kind of wish things were different, but they aren't, so I have to just accept the hand I have.
I also feel A LOT better about my future plans - which aren't perfect! I know that it will be difficult, but I can definitely use this to build myself up. So I'm not trying to have too many illusions about what a fantastic time living with my parents will be. It's going to be difficult, but bearable and it will put me in a better position. That's the outlook I'm trying to stick with - so if it's better than I thought, well, that's great for me.
WontBeFooledAgai
I am a new poster who has been following your saga man, wishing you the best.
Thanks!
This confused me though. You were the one who initiated this conversation, it looks like to me anyway. Why are you still engaging her like this? Am I missing anything here?
Well, I thought she was upset because I wasn't eating the breakfast. It looked good and I wanted to have some later, so I just wanted to clear that up.
It's probably a bad move on my part, but she doesn't make food all that often, but she's a decent cook. In a few weeks I will no longer have access to that food...So I figure, what the Hell, might as well have some if I want it...
Probably a bad move on my part, but that's my thought process. So I was trying to make sure that she didn't think I was just turning down her food...Because maybe she wouldn't make extra in the future.
KingofNothing
Forget all that. I counted TWO breakfasts... what’s up with that, Samwise Gamgee?
Lol, damn it. Okay, so I got up at like, 3am, had breakfast, went to the gym. Busted my ass and then had a protein shake and some jerky afterwards.
WontBeFooledAgai
That didn't strike you as counterproductive that TLOne [I don't want to call him "lost" I admire how he has things figured out] is still engaging WW. I mean, *of course* she is going to tear up about stuff, as a passive-aggressive way for her to snare him in for her crazy-making. Seems like it would be better to just ignore her tears.
I thought the goal is to engage w her as little as possible?
It is, I realize this, but I feel like I'm on the train already and I might as well eat some of the snacks they provide...
Newlifeisgreat
Be very careful of SIL!!
She knows that you have the ability to destroy her life by calling her husband. That makes you dangerous to her life, and therefore that makes HER dangerous!!
Don’t go ANYWHERE without a VAR on you!!!
Things are going to get worse as they both be one more desperate!
Your best defense is to stay away from both of them! And you need to be extremely careful until you move out and divorce is finalized.
Please, for the sake of your children, protect yourself and get away from her completely!
To clear things up, the sister in law is dating her baby's daddy. She was married to another man, for 10 years, about 8 years ago. He cheated on her left, right, and center. She does not love the current boyfriend - the current boyfriend knows this - and they basically have a horrible relationship. I could literally record her screwing another person (if she would do that) and show it to him and he'd probably shrug. He is generally 'between jobs' and has cheated on her and is basically just living there rent free. It's a fucked up situation entirely. He generally drinks and smokes all night. He's not with her for love and she's not with him for love - at least not in the conventional sense. I think she needs to feel 'needed' or something. I don't know, it's a horrible relationship.
DeWittle
Again, why are you engaging her?
Self-inflicted.
I didn't want to endanger my pancakes, man...
KingofNothing
I know, and it truly is. Know that TLone has got some geeky reading tastes, so I was evoking the hobbit connection for larfs.
To your point, ending a 15 year plus relationship with shared finances and children isn’t the easiest thing to do. It’s difficult to disengage as much as one would like.
Yes, it is difficult - it's actually a 21 year relationship (got together in 1998, married in 2003) - we have kids and it's difficult to just go completely silent from her at this point, although, truth be told, outside of some texts/talks about the kids and shit, we aren't really talking. It's just the odd conversation like the one you all are referencing that have occurred a few times now.
Stevesn
Ok, maybe I’m the confused one but are you guys mixing LostOne with ThisIsFine and his cheating SIL?
Or do we have two BS’s with cheating SIL?
I think they might be - BUT my wife has two sisters.
SIL in the story above is the older SIL. She has been married, he cheated, and she has been cheated on repeatedly. She's currently with her child's father (he's cheated on her too).
There's another SIL, a younger 'religious' one. 5-6 years ago she was with a guy (had a kid with him) and they broke up. They were 'trying to work on it' but she was secretly cheating on him with another dude. I didn't know this - I was friends with the baby-daddy (he's a good dude). The young SIL comes to a party at my place with a new 'friend'. They don't overtly kiss or anything, but it was clear that they weren't just friends. The baby-daddy calls me up asking a whole bunch of questions. I answer them forthright and honestly. I say that I didn't notice anything overt but I got the feeling they were more than just friends. After which he stops paying for the younger SIL's cell phone and the younger SIL calls me up screaming at me. I told her that I wasn't going to lie for anyone. Her and I had been close prior to this, we didn't talk for a year or so. We finally made up, but it was still strained.
Sharkman
At this point the cigarette smoke presents a larger problem in your life than she does
Yeah, actually - it's literally the only thing that concerns me about my future plans. It's not enough to disrupt them, but it does give me pause. I'm working on it though.
