SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe it's transitory or whatever, but all day and last night I haven't felt angry about the situation really. I've felt sad, foolish, but not really angry. It kind of feels like I want her to be someone else's problem.

Remember me harping on blessed indifference? You are way closer than I was this soon. It seems anti climatic I know, but carrying anger around can sooo fuck with your mental and physical health. It’s actually a positive development.

Because, honey, trust is kind of low right now

I hope you actually said that.

Lost please take what I am going to say with a grain of salt, as it is definitely coming from my own journey. It is okay if infidelity is a deal breaker. It is okay if you DO know right now that you can't stay in a marriage with someone who would do this to you. So early on, my emotions were all over the place, yes. But you know? In my soul, deep down where my 'me-ness' is... I knew my marriage was over and divorce was where we were headed the second he told me. I didn't want to admit that - because... I'd be a failure? I'd be seen as unforgiving? Fear? Still not entirely sure.

Point being - It's okay to not know or to not be sure which direction you want this to go in this close to dday. But it is completely ok to be sure one way or the other too. IMHO, the worst thing is to do the false R dance.

Glad you seem to be doing pretty well all things considered!

Lost

He sent her flowers on Valentines Day because he knows everything you are doing and she has probably told him the shit is real now. He wants to keep her “hooked”

What she did not do with the flowers is bring them to you and call him up in front of you and tell him if he did not leave her alone she would file a complaint with authorities

She had no choice but to throw the flowers away . Your son saw them arrive and she works out of the house. You think if she worked in an office in town she would have thrown them away ?

As you said you have no idea if she broke up with him or how this time

Stay the course

KingofNothing

Remember me harping on blessed indifference? You are way closer than I was this soon. It seems anti climatic I know, but carrying anger around can sooo fuck with your mental and physical health. It’s actually a positive development.

Yeah, true. I hope it stays with me.

I hope you actually said that.

Lol, no, I tend to be more straight forward and not sarcastic because I take it that she actually doesn't realize the danger in not having such legal protections in place. On a side note she doesn't get jokes or sarcasm as well as the average person so if I said that she would probably ask me why and it would lead to an actual discussion.

EllieKMAS

Lost please take what I am going to say with a grain of salt, as it is definitely coming from my own journey. It is okay if infidelity is a deal breaker.

I am not trying to invite the cruel universe to smite me in the future or anything but I don't know that it definitely is, I'm just feeling that the type I've got in front of me is. So I'm not prognosticating about my future dating life, but I'm just saying that I feel like what I've experienced is beyond the pale.

It is okay if you DO know right now that you can't stay in a marriage with someone who would do this to you. So early on, my emotions were all over the place, yes. But you know? In my soul, deep down where my 'me-ness' is... I knew my marriage was over and divorce was where we were headed the second he told me. I didn't want to admit that - because... I'd be a failure? I'd be seen as unforgiving? Fear? Still not entirely sure.

God this all hits really close to home.

Point being - It's okay to not know or to not be sure which direction you want this to go in this close to dday. But it is completely ok to be sure one way or the other too. IMHO, the worst thing is to do the false R dance.

Yes - I definitely do not want to do the false R dance.

Glad you seem to be doing pretty well all things considered!

Actually I just got back from Mcdonald's with my daughter. I've been preparing dinner A LOT and we weren't really hungry, but we wanted something, so I went up with her. I told her that I was just very proud of her - that she makes me happy and brings my spirits up when she's around. That she's so creative and different. That I love that she's into things that I've been into and that she's got this very interesting side of her that she explores with her friends - she cosplays and likes Five Nights at Freddies. She's only 12 but she's just so damned creative I'm always so impressed. She asked about SCP and she wants to create one - I said that they are very picky so don't get your hopes up and she asked if I would help write it with her. Of course I said yes.

Children can be really amazing.

BeyondRage

He sent her flowers on Valentines Day because he knows everything you are doing and she has probably told him the shit is real now. He wants to keep her “hooked”

You don't think the intent was to 'slap' me in the face or anything? I took it that way.

What she did not do with the flowers is bring them to you and call him up in front of you and tell him if he did not leave her alone she would file a complaint with authorities

No, she didn't. Had I suggested that I guarantee she would have said that I was over reacting. Which is bullshit.

She had no choice but to throw the flowers away . Your son saw them arrive and she works out of the house. You think if she worked in an office in town she would have thrown them away ?

No, I do not.

As you said you have no idea if she broke up with him or how this time

Stay the course

Correct.

Did she tell you about the flowers or did your son find them and forced her hand?

That to me is a shot across the bow. He's either telling you that they are still in contact and still a thing or to her saying I'm still here for you...

It's not too late to ask her to call him on speaker to tell him they are thru to have no more contact. Her reaction will tell you if she's with you or still with him.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 6:48 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

MickeyBill2016

Did she tell you about the flowers or did your son find them and forced her hand?

She actually told me when I got home that day. He hasn't said anything to me - in fact, he hasn't said anything about divorce or 'someone has someone else'. My daughter said something to me a few weeks ago.

Do you think that means anything? That he's not asking me anything?

That to me is a shot across the bow. He's either telling you that they are still in contact and still a thing or to her saying I'm still here for you...

I feel like it's telling me something more than telling her something, but perhaps I'm not objective here.

It's not too late to ask her to call him on speaker to tell him they are thru to have no more contact. Her reaction will tell you if she's with you or back to him.

True - what with recent developments (the flowers) that's a good idea.

If the flowers came to your house he is sending both of you a message. It ain't over, at least in his mind. He's looking for a reaction.

Is your son the 8 or 12 year old? Either way mom and dad's problems are big thing for a kid to bring up. If he is the 8 y.o. maybe he and his sister are talking about it. If he bought the lie about the flowers from an aunt then maybe he just doesn't care.

Have you been talking to him about what's going on? Reassuring him that it's all about you and WW not him or his sister...

damned creative I'm always so impressed. She asked about SCP and she wants to create one - I said that they are very picky so don't get your hopes up and she asked if I would help write it with her. Of course I said yes.

Damn man you are one hell of dad, hope I can measure up when daughter is a little older, let me know if the writing pans out, I love listening to the SCP foundation readings while I'm working.

MickeyBill2016

If the flowers came to your house he is sending both of you a message. It ain't over, at least in his mind. He's looking for a reaction.

My wife's lack of appropriate reaction is more telling, in my opinion.

Is your son the 8 or 12 year old? Either way mom and dad's problems are big thing for a kid to bring up. If he is the 8 y.o. maybe he and his sister are talking about it. If he bought the lie about the flowers from an aunt then maybe he just doesn't care.

My son turned 9 this month - my daughter is 12.

Have you been talking to him about what's going on? Reassuring him that it's all about you and WW not him or his sister...

Not really - I told him initially something to that effect and told his sister that we were basically not in a good spot.

Skadu

Damn man you are one hell of dad, hope I can measure up when daughter is a little older, let me know if the writing pans out, I love listening to the SCP foundation readings while I'm working.

Thanks! I tried writing a few a couple years back but they weren't accepted, so I'm doubtful. Never know though.

My daughter and I 'wrote' a story a few years ago - I basically transcribed it for her. It was pretty wild if I remember correctly.

I told her that I was just very proud of her - that she makes me happy and brings my spirits up when she's around. That she's so creative and different. That I love that she's into things that I've been into and that she's got this very interesting side of her that she explores with her friends - she cosplays and likes Five Nights at Freddies. She's only 12 but she's just so damned creative I'm always so impressed.

FWIW, coming from a girl who's dad always seemed to find her lacking, THIS is how you instill confidence in your daughter. You have some very lucky kids Lost. They don't know just HOW lucky yet, but trust me they will. No matter how hard all this shit might be, you and them are gonna be ok. Thumbs way up over here!

EllieKMAS

FWIW, coming from a girl who's dad always seemed to find her lacking, THIS is how you instill confidence in your daughter. You have some very lucky kids Lost. They don't know just HOW lucky yet, but trust me they will. No matter how hard all this shit might be, you and them are gonna be ok. Thumbs way up over here!

Thank you - I appreciate it. Honestly, she came in my room happy and cheerful and it lifted me right up. I had to tell her the things that I appreciated about her.

On a side note, she's found a 'cat cafe'. I'm allergic to cats, but I'm going to take benedril and take her soon. I have no Earthly idea what a 'cat cafe' is...

It's not too late to ask her to call him on speaker to tell him they are thru to have no more contact. Her reaction will tell you if she's with you or back to him.

True - what with recent developments (the flowers) that's a good idea.

Why, to what end?! It would all be BS and you KNOW that. Don’t engage her.

You set a course to get you out of infidelity, honestly, IMO, you really had no choice after the conversation you overheard. It appears you are leaving the door open even though you’ve stated numerous times R is off the table. Why?

Cat Cafe is just a place you go to pet cats and buy a snack and a drink. My old landlord started and they're all over the metro area where I live.

Pretty sure the good ones act as adoption fronts too. Take the extra strength Benadryl.

The flowers thing.

I read it like the AP was trying to fuck with you, just like you do. In no universe is it accepted or normal for a man to send a romantic gift openly to a woman at an address where she lives in a conventional marriage with another man. You were sure to find out about it. He is communicating disrespect, reminding you that he is still in the picture. They are not broken up. Somewhat murky evidence of another lie in a long list of them.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 9:17 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]

No real developments - although I did remind her about Tuesday. She was like 'I know' and copped a bit of an attitude, which I ignored.

I did hurt myself in the gym. I've been lifting for strength while also losing weight - so not a great idea. I was feeling real strong while doing bench and then I felt my chest pull. So I've got to take it easy. It's not torn, I still have full range of motion, but it's definitely strained/pulled.

DeWittle

Why, to what end?! It would all be BS and you KNOW that. Don’t engage her.

+

You set a course to get you out of infidelity, honestly, IMO, you really had no choice after the conversation you overheard. It appears you are leaving the door open even though you’ve stated numerous times R is off the table. Why?

Those are good points - it's like I'm trying to keep an option open, but honestly I don't feel that way anymore.

Skadu

Cat Cafe is just a place you go to pet cats and buy a snack and a drink. My old landlord started and they're all over the metro area where I live.

Pretty sure the good ones act as adoption fronts too. Take the extra strength Benadryl.

That's just a weird concept, but my daughter likes it so I'll be taking the extra strength and doing this some weekend in the future.

KingofNothing

The flowers thing.

I read it like the AP was trying to fuck with you, just like you do. In no universe is it accepted or normal for a man to send a romantic gift openly to a woman at an address where she lives in a conventional marriage with another man. You were sure to find out about it. He is communicating disrespect, reminding you that he is still in the picture. They are not broken up. Somewhat murky evidence of another lie in a long list of them.

I completely agree. I'd like to fuck with him back but I know that's not good and it's a waste of time. Her reaction and her downplaying it was more meaningful to me than him. I already think he's a loser and a scumbag, what, he's going to go lower?

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 11:48 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]

More good news. I was walking to the kitchen and I saw that she had her computer up. She's reading the Mediator email and preparing for Tuesday. I have a shred of hope that means that we are going to be able to work things out and be amicable throughout this process. At least she's not ignoring it or fighting it. I don't want to jinx myself though.

Edit: I'm actually working from home right now - blah - but she just came up to talk very briefly about it. She said something to the effect that she didn't think she had the exact breakdown or whatever for the health insurance. Not a huge deal and I'm sure that the mediator has encountered that sort of thing before.

All in all, I'm taking this as a positive. Shit, I don't want to get my hopes too high though...

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 1:43 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]

It sounds like she’s prepping. Don’t be surprised if she tries to get everything she can.

Marz

It sounds like she’s prepping. Don’t be surprised if she tries to get everything she can.

Yeah, she was - she finished. I think she was just finding her documents and that sort of stuff. She said that she couldn't figure out the calculations for her health insurance. I don't think this is a big deal and I think the mediator will be able to address it. In any event, I'm sure that she'll be able to get it at the NEXT session.

I won't be surprised if she asks for money or debt payment or more custody or whatever. I'll be pissed, but not surprised.

Just keep reminding her that a contentious and protracted settlement process is in no one's best interest and just takes whatever niceties which might have been possible away from your children. She's in no better position than you to afford a long drawn-out divorce. And neither of you want to tell your kids they can't afford new soccer shoes or a trip to the movies because the lawyers got all the money.

And once again... don't feel a bit bad about "not keeping the door open". Cheaters already know the consequences. They do. If what you're heart is telling you is to push through this divorce, than push it through. D isn't the end. It's a beginning in a lot of ways. Hell, my aunt married and divorced the same man so many times they could no longer be licensed in their home state. So, who knows what the future might hold. But it's YOUR future and you're in charge of it. There's freedom in that.