SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wrote this a day ago on another forum. I've read the 180 on this site and it makes sense. I've been sending emails to my WS obsessively. A few times harsher than necessary, but not malicious. Anyway:

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It was DDay today. I’m still reeling from it. I’m numb, exhausted, can’t sleep, I feel like a failure, and above all else I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want to do & I don’t know what she wants to do.

To back up; my wife & I have been together for over 20 years. We have 2 young kids (8 & 12) and today I found out my wife has been having a year & a half long affair with her high school boyfriend. I found out & confronted her & she admitted to it. She didn’t want to go into explicit details, but she wasn’t trickle truth of me or gaslighting me here.

I found out because she was depressed earlier in the day & I told her to go off to the casino because I had thought that made her happy. When really she was just going over to fuck him, he just lives by the casino.

We have had a bumpy year. I have been depressed and as a result I was neglectful. That’s not an excuse, but it’s the reality. I was working myself out of it and trying to start some romance with her over the past few months, but she always turned me down. She told me that because she was having sex with him (I found out, unprotected) she couldn’t betray me (?) by potentially having sex with me on the same day.

She tells me she loves me & that she wants to grow old with me, but she cares about him too. She loves him, but knows it won’t go anywhere & that it’s the thrill, the rush, and the attention she wants. He’s been threatening to expose their secret to force her hand because he wants to be with her & feels that there’s no possible way that I’d stay with her.

He may be right. I don’t know.

Over 2 years ago family tragedy struck and my wife took it really hard. I was there for her the best I could, but she needed some psychological help. She got some, but it really didn’t fit & she stopped. Around this time the old high school flame found her on FB. They traded stories about their old sexual escapades, which she deleted afterwards. I found out, she ‘cut contact’ (but really didn’t).

I’m so exhausted. We have 2 kids, we get along well together. I still love her. I think if I could trust that she actually wants to be in a relationship with me that we could work on it & get better. But I don’t know how I could ever know that or trust her.

I’m so angry, but also so bottled up. So stuck.

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So that was beginning. I've talked to her a few times and she repeatedly states she wants to be with me and that's the future. She doesn't realize that the nature of her affair - the transgression, the thrill, etc - has pumped artificial excitement in to her sex with her affair partner. She's 'confused' and wants to break up with him at her own time and her own speed. She's also told me that she's tried breaking up with him numerous times - but he's like a drug.

At first she wouldn't do jack shit. I looked up therapists and suggested stuff - she was paralyzed. She's now starting to do that, but I'm not in the same place. I do not believe that she is actually interested in working on our relationship - the fundamental principle of reconciliation is cutting off the affair partner - and she has not done that. She still calls him. She will probably see him this weekend - the premise I'm sure she'll tell me is that she was going to break up with him face to face because that's how she gets closure. Of course they'll sleep together and continue behind my back.

I just. I don't know - it's fucking day three and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster through the stages of grief. I feel like it's hopeless and that I have to listen to my rational mind that's telling me to pull the ripcord. Start preparing to leave.

We have kids though and 20 years. Our marriage was not perfect. I'm responsible for 50% of that. I'll own that. I'm not responsible at all for her cheating on me.

I feel stuck. Less stuck than before - each hour I feel less stuck. I'm reading the material here and other places. I'm going to try to put it into practice. I've been going to the gym.

I sit here and wonder, what if she actually did go NC with him? Would I change course? I still love her and there are the children that are my primary concern.

My focus is to continue taking steps and to prevent myself from making rash decisions. I'm also not going to contact her as much - per the 180.

Hi LostOne,

Sorry you are here. It is a fucking nightmare I know. Look I was you. My WW's AP was her high school boyfriend as well. She couldn't let it go. I allowed it to linger and it ate at my soul. I finally pulled the cord as you say and I am so much happier. Your mileage may vary I know but here is what I would say. You have been with this woman for 20 years. That is a life. Not a few months when she was 16. That is a fantasy. Think back to any girl you dated in high school. Would you toss 20 years for them? Of course not. You're not the same person, neither are they. It is a fantasy she is living in and you need to end it.

What I really think you need to do now is find your anger. Find that rage that should be there. Your WW is tossing away your lives and your children's lives for some teenage fantasy. This should make you angry along with this sadness. Find that anger and then use it in a productive way. Tell your WW right now that the Affair has to end. Now! Not after some time, not after a face to face. She doesn't get to "break up" with her boyfriend on her own time. Tell her that the Affair is over now or the Marriage is over. One or the other is true. I'd give her something along the lines of 30 seconds to decide.

TheLostOne2020,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You will find this site very supportive of you and will get a lot of advice for your consideration as you go through the process of getting out of infidelity.

Your wife is in an "emotional fog" with the fantasy world of the affair. You can not compete with her fantasy which is not encumbered by the vicissitudes of daily life. The only way to get her mind in the proper state for reconciliation is to have her go COMPLETELY no contact ("NC") with the other man ("OM"). You also should start the 180 process to distance yourself from your wayward wife ("WW") if she continues her affair or is less than cooperative with you and not putting forth sufficient effort to begin to acquire/show the feeling of remorse as to what she has done and is 100% responsible. Remorse, or empathy for your pain of betrayal, is much different from the regret she may now show for having been caught.

You should consult at least three divorce attorneys to get informed as to the process and results of divorce. If your WW continues the affair and does not get her head straight PDQ, you may have to file for divorce and/or separation in order to protect yourself from additional emotional damage and to prepare yourself for the possibility of divorce.

Financially, protect yourself by opening a bank account for yourself only and transfer 50% of current cash balances to that account. Do not let your WW finance her affair with joint assets.

In many ways, with her affair, she left your marriage and "fired" you as her husband. You should no longer provide for her other than required, either emotionally or financially.

As I mentioned, you will get a lot of great advice and more detailed information from the much more experienced posters on this site. I am posting this brief primer so that you can get as fast as response as possible. Many posters will be rushing to your aid and support soon.

I am hoping for the best for you.

Posters and resources available on this site will provide proper details for the NC conditions and the 180 process.

[This message edited by PassThis at 11:34 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

LostOne:

Very sorry that you find yourself here, but you will receive good support. Get tested for STD’s ASAP. You have already received good advice. Implement and follow the 180. Try to stay calm and be firm in your actions. Take care of you and be the stable force for your children. It is often said here that you have to be willing to lose the M, in order to have any chance to save it. See an attorney and learn your rights. If it were me I would have her served ASAP. It may snap her out of her fog but if it doesn’t you will be well on your way out of infidelity. Do not do the pick me dance. It never works. You cannot nice her back. She will not respect you if you try it. You can always call off the D if she comes around and is willing to do the work.

A backbone of any M is the mutual commitment to fidelity made when you got married. You have been faithful. Your WW has not. Trust has been destroyed. Your M as you knew it will never be the same. R is possible but it is a difficult journey. Your WW has to get IC to understand how she outdone betray you and her children and her own values.

If the OM has a partner expose the A to his OBS or gf.

Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 11:47 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

I'm struggling with a few things - obviously I guess. Going through the stages of grief. I want to isolate myself, but I'm afraid if I do that I'll be tempted to live in denial.

I want to tell my best friend about all of this - the thing is that he's her friend as well. I'm half a mind to say fuck it - but I'm concerned that because I'm going through this roller coaster that I'm not thinking straight.

The other thing - she is severally isolated. The only people that know about this is her, her partner, and I. I think she wants to keep things that way. Which means that she's only hearing from him and me. Should I concern myself with that? I mean, I'm not ignoring her, but I plan on doing the 180.

"Remorse, or empathy for your pain of betrayal, is much different from the regret she may now show for having been caught."

This is what I'm struggling with. I think she regrets getting caught, but she says other things.

"You should consult at least three divorce attorneys to get informed as to the process and results of divorce. If your WW continues the affair and does not get her head straight PDQ, you may have to file for divorce and/or separation in order to protect yourself from additional emotional damage and to prepare yourself for the possibility of divorce."

My state is one where we have to separate (VA) for a year, which I'm not entirely sure how quickly I can do this, financially. We own property together and don't have a ton of equity.

I haven't familiarized myself with all the acronyms - what's PDQ?

"In many ways, with her affair, she left your marriage and "fired" you as her husband. You should no longer provide for her other than required, either emotionally or financially."

This totally feels on track.

"As I mentioned, you will get a lot of great advice and more detailed information from the much more experienced posters on this site. I am posting this brief primer so that you can get as fast as response as possible. Many posters will be rushing to your aid and support soon."

I appreciate this. Thank you.

TheLostOne2020, that is a sucky way to start out the new year. It will get better though. Hang in there.

I agree with everything beenthereinco and PassThis have said.

Do not try to nice her back. You went out of your way to be nice to her

she was depressed earlier in the day & I told her to go off to the casino because I had thought that made her happy. When really she was just going over to fuck him, he just lives by the casino

You attempted to be nice to her and she used your thoughtful actions to betray you and your children.

I don’t know what I want to do

That's okay. There should be two main actions you should be taking right now. The first is to take care of yourself and the second is to take care of your children.

I don’t know what she wants to do

You should not care about what she wants. She took the opportunity to do what she wanted to do by doing him.

I sit here and wonder, what if she actually did go NC with him? Would I change course?

She is no longer driving this train. You are.

IMHO she should need to move heaven and earth to prove to you that she wants to be with you. Not the other way around.

LostOne,

Help in real life from friends is a good idea. You need to take care of yourself and your children and if you need to confide in a friend and get advice or support do it. You do not need to keep her secrets for her. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

Exposure of an affair is one way to kill it. Does the AP have a wife or girlfriend?

TheLostOne2020,

Sorry you've found us.

Glad you're implementing the 180. Lawyer up and file. Go scorched earth. Tell your family and hers what's going on. If the OM is married, tell his wife. But don't tell your WW that you're going to do it. Start separating finances. Do it today.

You could put up an ultimatum with "Either you cut all contact with OM or I file. You have 10 seconds to decide." But then you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH when she doesn't. I say "when" because she likely will waffle for a while. And that only means more trauma for you.

The divorce process could take a year depending on where you are. If, by some miracle, she snaps out of it and she has proven that she's committed to doing the work you can always call off the D. But being decisive now will surely put you on a path out of infidelity. It'll be either with or without your WW.

You can only control you. You cannot control her. She needs to do the work herself in order to change. And she has to want to change.

So for now, stop engaging her. Only talk to her about kids and finances. And start the ball rolling with D and get your ducks in a row. Showing her how committed you are at getting away from infidelity may sway her towards your marriage. But that's not the point of all of this. It's to protect yourself and your children from her erratic, unfaithful behavior.

Good luck.

Expose, expose, expose to mutual friend, OM’s wife, WS family, etc. give them documentation if you have it. And do all of the above as well.

Sorry you are here. You are overwhelmed with feelings and emotions. This is normal for sure. There's a lot to take in and there will be for some time. Some say (and I tend to agree) dealing with an A is as difficult or more difficult than dealing with a death in the family. Possibly because at least we all know death in the physical form is inevitable and is something we can expect to happen at some point.

When an A happens this is not expected (although perhaps becoming more common by the day). In any case when it comes to an A we all have a choice. In the case of a BS spouse in the day after Dday I believe it's a critical time regardless of whether the M ultimately goes in the direction of R or D. It's up to YOU to direct this in the way that is best for you. More specifically being the best you can be for you (and not the WS). This means taking making decisions that make sense for you and not the WS. You need to show the WS straight away and make it very clear there are consequences to such actions. IF YOU DO NOT, you are enabling this behavior. As an example you seem to be OK with the idea that she may visit this guy on the weekend in the premise that she needs to break up. Well there are other ways she could do this. She could make a phone call on speaker so you can hear the conversation. So to you point about how you could trust her, if she came to you and said she wanted to do that, that would be a sign of her regaining your trust. Until she starts doing stuff like that (and maybe she never will) you will never regain trust. And as long as you seem to be OK with her not doing such things, YOU are enabling her.

YOU have a choice. It can be tough to figure out when you've just found out, that's why the 180 is good. The sooner you put FULLY in place the sooner you can stop enabling the crappy behavior.

Good luck. You'll get lots of good advice here and fortunately you've found it early on. I wish I had. Could have save years of false R.

Hi TheLostOne2020,

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. Others have provided great advise based on their experience. I'll add mine, but more of a "don't do what I did".

You can't "nice her back". You do need to find your anger. She doesn't know what she wants? Fine, make that decision for her, file for separation. Doesn't mean it can't be reversed, but it will splash some much needed cold water on her.

It floors me that wayward can throw away decades for an old HS boy/girlfriend?!? WTF is up with that??

My WW also suffered with serious loss on her side of the family which happened to coincide with her most recent A's. I never understood how screwing someone makes the loss of a parent better.

She is in lala land. I would recommend implementing the 180, file for separation, and refuse to engage until she is ready to do the work.

I haven't familiarized myself with all the acronyms - what's PDQ?

This is not an acronym which is specific to SI or infidelity. It means Pretty Damn Quick.

Wishes for your best outcome.

Regardless of if you want R or D, that can be figured out later, you need to wake her the fuck up.

Start your official legal separation...

Let her know that the marital relationship was terminated by her. She fired you as her husband and gave another guy the job. So that said, tell her that she no longer gets to enjoy the privileges she used to enjoy when having you as a husband.

No more coming to pick her up when her car breaks down. No more getting her ass out of trouble when she gets in over her head with things. If your kids are with her, then yes, otherwise no.

No more helping her fix shit that gets broken. Her new OM can do that stuff for her now.

No more being her handyman.

No more going to the store for her, no helping her clean house, no helping fold laundry, no more picking her clothes up at the dry cleaner, no more plunging the toilets, no more mowing the lawn.

No more laughter and joking around or deep conversations about life and family. That is what her OM is there for.

No more affection, no more sex, no more friendship, no more understanding, no more being there for her when she needs an ally against the onslaughts of every day life.

No more money or support from you.

That is what she gave up when she gave up on you two as one. And yes, regardless of her words, she has literally thrown your relationship away. Remind her of this.

As far as actions go...

First thing...SHAKE YOURSELF!

Stop wallowing in self pity and get angry!

If you want to save your marriage, it won't happen on the path you've taken.

First thing to realize is, she is no longer the sweet, loving woman you married. Nothing she does right now will seem in character. Nothing she says will be truth. This will sound contradictory to the goal of reconciling if that's what you want, but WWs only respect strong, firm action. Crying, begging, asking why, all that will drive her away.

Her needing time and space to break it off at her own pace...FUCK. THAT. That is nothing more than cheaterspeak for "I want to fuck my boyfriend in peace right now so just let me".

You want to save your marriage? Then act RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

First, expose. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. To everyone: her family, his family, their workplace (consequences be damned), mutual friends. Affairs thrive as long as no one knows. Shining light on them will send them scurrying away from each other like cockroaches running from light. When she tells you afterwards that bc you exposed, she's not sure you guys will work out anymore, ignore it. They all say stupid shit like that.

After exposure, you start the separation and 180 on her ass. At that point if she does nothing, then she's not worth it.

I was working myself out of it and trying to start some romance with her over the past few months, but she always turned me down. She told me that because she was having sex with him (I found out, unprotected) she couldn’t betray me (?) by potentially having sex with me on the same day.

You know this is bullshit, right?

She didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend that's why you were cut off.

You should inform the other mans wife. It's the first and most important step if he's married.

You don't know where he's been so STD testing should be fine ASAP. Unfortunately that's where you are.

Just because you now know doesn't mean they'll stop.

Wake up and get strong quick you can't believe a thing she says at this time. They all lie a lot

In any situation, the one with the most power ("leverage") is favored to maximize their benefit/cost ratio with respect to the outcome. The one with the least power has the most to lose. Because your WW is not showing complete remorse, crying, saying she is sorry over and over, and truly horrified at the damage she has caused, and is causing, she telegraphs that she thinks she has the least to lose. She doesn't think that you will divorce, and that she can get what she wants. That state of mind is "wayward thinking" and is totally disrespectful to you.

You must change her mindset so that you introduce risk of loss and uncertainty into her life. Filing for divorce, insisting no contact, demanding STD tests, you instigating the 180, protecting your assets (and heart), etc. clearly demonstrate that she HAS something (you and her marriage, relationship with kids, etc.) to lose and she must deal with major uncertainty of the outcome from your R or D decision.

Stay claim, dignified and show strength. As mentioned DO NOT play the "pick me" game. The posters will confirm that this is the best, if not intuitive, strategy to get you out of infidelity and toward the result that YOU want.

Sending you hope for the best.

Experience shows old high school Exs are high risk 'friendships' for a variety of reasons: feeling young again; plus it's familiar & already intimate.

The youthfull feeling is addictive and like a drug. She won't be able to go NC unless she never sees or hears from this guy again (not even passing on the street).

Actually your marriage issues are pretty typical. It's your wife's decision to cope by cheating that is not typical (or acceptable).

What you do tomorrow matters whether you want to save your marriage or divorce.

The most effective strategy is not intuitive. The best strategy is also the same whether you want to R or D.

Do not: cry or beg, be extra nice or try to compete with the OM (you can't because he's just a fantasy at this time), or give her time to make up her mind.

Basically zero tolerance for her behavior. The sooner she sees you moving on with your own life the greater the chance that you will become more attractive to her.

Immediate NC, stop being her husband & buddy, and expose her affair to everyone. Nothing kills an affair like public exposure.

She needs to see you moving on without her.

Buy yourself some new clothes, restyle your hair, loose weight, or take up a new hobby.

Go out in the evening to meet 'friends' and don't tell her who, where or when. Sit and read at Starbucks or go to a movie - but claim your life separate from her!

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:14 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

I've been sending emails to my WS obsessively.

Stop. Send only those concerning your children and finances.

She didn’t want to go into explicit details, but she wasn’t trickle truth of me

Not going into explicit details is exactly what trickle truthing will end up being. The truth will all come out eventually one way or the other, either through a polygraph or in a heated argument or through some other source.

I have been depressed and as a result I was neglectful.

Stop. This is where the mind of the betrayed tends to go in the beginning. "What did I do wrong to cause this?" You were both in the same marriage, yet she cheated and you didn't. She could have acted in many other ways to address marriage problems but she chose to cheat instead.

She tells me she loves me & that she wants to grow old with me, but she cares about him too.

You're Plan B if Plan A(her boyfriend) doesn't work out.

He’s been threatening to expose their secret to force her hand because he wants to be with her & feels that there’s no possible way that I’d stay with her.

So he's having sex with your wife and then blackmailing her to keep it going. Nice.

Over 2 years ago family tragedy struck and my wife took it really hard. I was there for her the best I could, but she needed some psychological help.

Same thing happened in my situation. Her mother passed away unexpectedly and that was one of her excuses then and later for her wicked escapades.

We have 2 kids

And there's the heart wrenching reason so many of us stay in limbo. Our son was 3 when the shit hit the fan. He's an adult now and lives far away with his own family. I thought I was protecting him from the truth but the Cold-War in our home damaged him enough that he has to go to a shrink and take meds. In retrospect I should have moved on immediately. Kids aren't as naive as we tend to think.

She's 'confused' and wants to break up with him at her own time and her own speed. She's also told me that she's tried breaking up with him numerous times - but he's like a drug.

She blew up the marriage so now she wants to set the tempo of reconciliation? No!!! If she can't make up her mind then do it for her. Drive her over to his place and dump her on the porch. Tell him "Good luck, pal. If she cheated on me she'll cheat on you as well."

Expose everything to everyone that matters. Shining the light on the affair will kill it faster than anything.

I did everything wrong and ended up paying the price of 25 years in limbo in order to protect our son and due to financial considerations. I would give almost anything to have those years back. But due to my low self-esteem and passiveness I allowed it to happen. Please don't do this to yourself. God speed and courage on all your future decisions. We are here for you.

Btw: if you want to use the quote function look at your post box. On your left it will say, bold, italic, and quote. Highlight what you want to quote and then click the quote button.

I'm trying to get through some of this. As an update I've contacted a few attorneys - sent some emails. They all seem to close at 5 and I'm stuck at work.

Stop wallowing in self pity and get angry!

If you want to save your marriage, it won't happen on the path you've taken.

You are correct.

You know this is bullshit, right?

She didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend that's why you were cut off.

Yes, I totally know it's bullshit.

You should inform the other mans wife. It's the first and most important step if he's married.

I've seen some version of this a lot - he's not married. He's cheated on all of his girlfriends. I asked my BS if it made a difference if he was cheating on her. She said he wouldn't do that. That kind of floored me. But I don't think I need to know that shit or ask anything like that any more. Fuck it.

You don't know where he's been so STD testing should be fine ASAP. Unfortunately that's where you are.

Just because you now know doesn't mean they'll stop.

Yup, true on both accounts.

In any situation, the one with the most power ("leverage") is favored to maximize their benefit/cost ratio with respect to the outcome. The one with the least power has the most to lose. Because your WW is not showing complete remorse, crying, saying she is sorry over and over, and truly horrified at the damage she has caused, and is causing, she telegraphs that she thinks she has the least to lose. She doesn't think that you will divorce, and that she can get what she wants. That state of mind is "wayward thinking" and is totally disrespectful to you.

She's not showing complete remorse - she's still talking to the guy. She is saying she's sorry and she does appear horrified. I think you are correct that she doesn't think that.

You must change her mindset so that you introduce risk of loss and uncertainty into her life. Filing for divorce, insisting no contact, demanding STD tests, you instigating the 180, protecting your assets (and heart), etc. clearly demonstrate that she HAS something (you and her marriage, relationship with kids, etc.) to lose and she must deal with major uncertainty of the outcome from your R or D decision.

I fucking wish I could do all this today. I'm sending off contact emails to lawyers, but I don't think I'll be able to do anything tonight. I can't trust my mindset, so when I'm about action I really feel the urge to do it. This is what is aggravating me right now. I'm trying to keep moving - motivated, but I just want a break.

Stay claim, dignified and show strength. As mentioned DO NOT play the "pick me" game. The posters will confirm that this is the best, if not intuitive, strategy to get you out of infidelity and toward the result that YOU want.

Yes, I feel like I've been doing that - even though mentally I don't realize I am when I do it. It's fucking maddening.

Sending you hope for the best.

Thank you and thank everyone for this.

What you do tomorrow matters whether you want to save your marriage or divorce.

The most effective strategy is not intuitive. The best strategy is also the same whether you want to R or D.

Do not: cry or beg, be extra nice or try to compete with the OM (you can't because he's just a fantasy at this time), or give her time to make up her mind.

I've been struggling with this - when I'm trying to do the 180, I feel like I'm monotone and standoffish. Is this okay or do I try to be chipper? I don't think I can do that at this point. I can be monotone and not break down.

Basically zero tolerance for her behavior. The sooner she sees you moving on with your own life the greater the chance that you will become more attractive to her.

Immediate NC, stop being her husband & buddy, and expose her affair to everyone. Nothing kills an affair like public exposure.

Half of the exposure thing is the humiliation I feel. I don't want to do it because I'd have to explain it to people and I don't think I can contain composure. At least not today. I'm going to tell my friend after work. I've already typed something up (I like writing, it helps me take a break so I don't breakdown) but I want to add more.

Buy yourself some new clothes, restyle your hair, loose weight, or take up a new hobby.

I'm trying that - working out already. Was thinking about getting a haircut after work today too since the lawyers aren't open. Granted that's not really 'restyling' my hair, it's keeping it proper and nice.

Go out in the evening to meet 'friends' and don't tell her who, where or when. Sit and read at Starbucks or go to a movie - but claim your life separate from her!

I'm torn on this too - we have kids and right now I really need to see them. Going out for extended periods seems really hard.

Stop. Send only those concerning your children and finances.

I realized this earlier. I'm stopping.

Not going into explicit details is exactly what trickle truthing will end up being. The truth will all come out eventually one way or the other, either through a polygraph or in a heated argument or through some other source.

That's not quite what I mean. I meant that she didn't want to describe the sex - I didn't want her to then either. I did ask and get as much as I could handle yesterday.

Stop. This is where the mind of the betrayed tends to go in the beginning. "What did I do wrong to cause this?" You were both in the same marriage, yet she cheated and you didn't. She could have acted in many other ways to address marriage problems but she chose to cheat instead.

Yes, you are correct. I saw something on this site that I relate to: the problems in our marriage are 50% my fault, the affair is 0% my fault. I'm not going to address deficiencies in our marriage - unless by some chance we reconcile.

You're Plan B if Plan A(her boyfriend) doesn't work out.

Yeah, that's what it is and what I feel.

So he's having sex with your wife and then blackmailing her to keep it going. Nice.

Yes, but he's a great guy! And he's changed!

Same thing happened in my situation. Her mother passed away unexpectedly and that was one of her excuses then and later for her wicked escapades.

Her sisters also went through tough times - one of them cheated and went off with the affair partner. That probably gave her the idea.

And there's the heart wrenching reason so many of us stay in limbo. Our son was 3 when the shit hit the fan. He's an adult now and lives far away with his own family. I thought I was protecting him from the truth but the Cold-War in our home damaged him enough that he has to go to a shrink and take meds. In retrospect I should have moved on immediately. Kids aren't as naive as we tend to think.

Yes, it is the one thing that causes me the most anguish.

She blew up the marriage so now she wants to set the tempo of reconciliation? No!!! If she can't make up her mind then do it for her. Drive her over to his place and dump her on the porch. Tell him "Good luck, pal. If she cheated on me she'll cheat on you as well."

I literally wish I could do that, but we own property together.

Expose everything to everyone that matters. Shining the light on the affair will kill it faster than anything.

I did everything wrong and ended up paying the price of 25 years in limbo in order to protect our son and due to financial considerations. I would give almost anything to have those years back. But due to my low self-esteem and passiveness I allowed it to happen. Please don't do this to yourself. God speed and courage on all your future decisions. We are here for you.

I think I need to start doing this. I'm not going to wait until tonight to contact my friend. Fuck it, I can add more later if I want.

Btw: if you want to use the quote function look at your post box. On your left it will say, bold, italic, and quote. Highlight what you want to quote and then click the quote button.

I figured that out.