LostOne
I’m going to chime in here and add something. You are getting good advice. And I’m glad to see that you are finally starting to heed it.
But I want to add something.
BS’s think if I can “just get her to start thinking in the right direction” then everything is going to fall into place.
But it’s never true. Telling her what she needs to do and finding a way to MAKE her do it, won’t bring you happiness.
Let’s say she just finally go NC with the OM, but she did it in her mind because YOU wanted it, not her, then two things happen:
1) now she thinks YOU OWE HER one because she did something she didn’t want to do, for you
2) she starts pining away for the man she can’t have now because you won’t let her.
Neither of those things help support reconciliation. Those things actually support FALSE reconciliation where she pretends to want you.
So I’m sorry, but accepting anything right now from her is just accepting fake remorse. She doesn’t want to give you anything.
The answer in my opinion, is to be completely honest with her about what you need. And completely honest with her about what you want.
So if it were me, this is the type of thing I would say or write to her right now.
Mrs Lost
I love you.
I’m in love with you.
But no matter what issues we had in our marriage, the way you chose to address them, by turning your affections towards another man, has broken my heart. I cannot be in a relationship with someone who has done that and doesn’t seem to care how it has affected me.
I can tell you have feelings for this person. I think he is a piece of shit for what he has done, but obviously you don’t see him that way.
In fact, I can tell you care about him enough to protect his feelings more than you care about protecting mine.
I am no longer asking you to stop being with him. If you were to stop, you’d only pine away for him more. So I’m letting you go.
I cannot be in a three way relationship. I will not share the woman I love. So I’m letting you go. You can explore whatever you think you need and get from him. And I in turn will begin the work on my own to mend my broken heart and find my way to happiness down the road again.
The truth is, I don’t want the YOU in front of me right now. The partner I need would be fighting desperately to repair the damage she has done to me and our relationship. She would see me and only me as the only one who matters to her.
It’s clear to me you are not that person. Your heart is elsewhere and I in no way mean nor want to force it where it no longer naturally wants to be.
So I wish you well finding what you think you need to be happy. I intend to do the same.
If at some point down the road you find that I am what you were looking for all along, then depending where I am at in my life I’d be willing to discuss it. But please know, I will never accept someone who is unsure that I am the man for them. Life is too short.
I need to fill my world with people who truly care about me as much or even more than they do even themselves. So until you know that’s your truth, we probably shouldn’t waste either of our time.
So at this point I think we should stop talking about our relationship and start talking about how we end things as amicably as possible. We each want what’s best for our children. I hope to be as good a coparent as I can be and will strive to make that as my goal. So I’ll be taking the steps necessary to make that happen and suggest you do the same.
I’m devastated we are here, but I won’t live life being taken for granted by the one person in the world who is supposed to make me feel safe.
Take care,
LostOne
And then I would stop talking to her about the relationship. It’s on her to go figure this all out. Just discuss finances and the Kids.
I’ve said this a lot here lately LostOne, but R does NOT begin when the WS says she agrees to START doing the work necessary to rebuild. No, Reconciliation BEGINS when she has almost FINISHED that work and done it well.
So don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because she says she chooses you that you have started reconciliation. You haven’t.
Wait and see what she does and how she does it and what she says. Until you hear DISDAIN for the AP and also for herself during the A, you don’t have a single thing.
I hope this helps and I wish you luck.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:10 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]