SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Happy New Year Awesome Womenz!

Let’s Kick the Old Year in the DICK!

Happy New Year Womenz!

And yes - a big KITD to 2019.

Glad to hear SOS is OK.

Happy New Year to us all!

I have a vent. LLCAH (low life cheating Asshat) showed my girls a Facebook post I made for New Years referencing the divorce. I blocked them from it, but while all the close friends know I was tired of acquaintances telling me to “say hi to LLCAH” amd all, I’m done. But I figured they did not need that in their life, their mom being so damn grateful to head into a new year away from that poisonous man. He is their father after all.

But of course he couldn’t just close his phone and walk away (since he did it all), he had to show them and make it a thing. Because a narc can never be wrong and he had to show them how horrible I am.

I am still filled with hopium he “gets it”. He changes, for their sake because there is no hope for us. But he doesn’t. He continues to be exactly who he always was, a selfish, tone deaf moron with a mean streak. I hate myself for hoping. Hate myself. Probably because if he really isn’t who he is I didn’t totally fuck up picking a dad for my girls...but I did. I so did. And that shit is on me, so guess we have that delusion in common.

I’m a bit down. I just so wish he would get hit by a bus and make this all so much easier.

Hey Maudlin.

I share some of those thoughts - that I have a bad picker, and that my WH's big thick dark mask is somehow my responsibility. But it's not. He made those choices.

I've posted about this before, but for me, I feel embarrassed and ashamed for wanting him to be the man I thought he was. For missing the illusion I had about him and our M. I'm beginning to see that wanting those things was not "bad" or "wrong" or unhealthy (at least from a big picture perspective). I have to come to terms with that and work on forgiving myself. Seems counterintuitive that I somehow need to forgive myself for HIS shitty choices, yet I believe it's another crummy step I need to take to get through this shitshow. Easier said than done, I know.

And for your WH being a fuckwart that shares your SM posts with your kids? I have some experience with my DS's biodad on that front, and I believe that doing all we can to NOT stoop to their level is the ticket. Kids don't need us to help them understand or see the ways in which their parents are effed up. They will figure that out all on their own.

Hugs -

Hi Maudlin,

I’m sorry you have an idiot asshat to deal with. What he did is inexcusable. Not only does he have a wandering penis, he hurts his kids purposefully. That is seriously screwed up.

I think when it comes to asshat, expect only the worst. You may want to run everything you do through a worst case scenario – how can the asshat twist this?

I think you should post pictures of you having fun with your kids. Let asshat suck on that. You should be able to post anything you want, but he is vindictive, so give him nothing.

At the very least, he is miserable, you can enjoy that thought.

Please know, his bad behaviour is NOT your fault. And that your kids know you are good, and love you.

A smile I hope….There is a hilarious comic where two female alligators are talking, one says, Nice purse!. The other says, thank you it is my ex husband. I’d love to post this and say, Finally, he is useful!

Big hugs, you are an awesome womenz!

Seems counterintuitive that I somehow need to forgive myself for HIS shitty choices, yet I believe it's another crummy step I need to take to get through this shitshow.

My therapist and I talked about this. She says I need to give myself understanding and compassion for the choices I made, specifically putting myself in a position where I couldn't immediately divorce my fch after dday. I need to have compassion and forgiveness for myself before I can have compassion for, and fully forgive, my fch.

Maudlin, I'm sorry your xh did such a,shitty thing. No one should ever involve children in such things. Is there anyway you can keep a record of such things that he does? Could you use in D proceedings to show that he's harmful for the kids?

Don't blame yourself for his bad behavior. There's nothing wrong with believing people are who they say they are. I did the same thing with my fch. I believed he was the person he presented himself to be. Turned out to all be lies.

Your point about self compassion is a good one.

I have a question. My WH and I were just talking. I am meeting with a parent from my sons old swimming club. She has rescued dogs all her life and I am meeting her for tips and guidance.

She is a kind warm and loving person. And she is very gossipy.

WH reminded me two times to be careful not to tell her about us. He did this last week too. What he is worried about is what I say about him. He is ashamed. I don’t think this is owning his actions or history.

I was livid. He cheats with a woman and prances all over the fucking province with her like she is his wife. Yes she even wore a band to complete the image for 5 years.

Now he is is afraid that people may know he cheated. He is not happy I am not wearing my engagement ring.

I told him in no uncertain terms that infidelity is now part of his past, as it is mine. And that will never change. He can decide if it defines him going forward.

I am ashamed that it is part of me as well.

Essentially I told him it was my decision who I talk to and what I say. And you know what, very few people know, I don’t go screaming it from the rooftops.

Anyone else’s WH act like this? How do you deal with it? I don’t want to be judged either but I sure as hell will not lie for him. I may dodge, distract but not lie.

Does your angry self sit right under your skin too? It seems pretty easy to push me over the edge lately.

TG, I feel like your anger when WH asks you to cover for him is maybe actually a good sign - that you're not taking responsibility for any of his shitty choices. I'd be angry too. Am, when my WH does this.

It's a different thing to keep matters private to protect yourself (and probably should as long as R is an option). But obviously you're smart. And you don't even need to lie or deflect for his sake. If someone asks you could always just say "that's private." (as if I actually do this)

One thing I would say is don't let your angry reaction make you be defensive. I fall into this trap all the time. I don't know if you gave him the "very few people know" reassurance or were just telling us on the forum... but I feel like every time I defend myself I'm giving the question/concern itself validity. I want to get better at this and find a response that's like "OK, I heard you." And then if he continues to harp on it, just shut that shit down. I mean, we have enough to deal with, without having to calm the anxiety they caused themselves. If we reassure them, I feel like it implicitly encourages the stupid asks, even though you explicitly told him you'd do as you damn well please.

Now that I think about it, if anybody has advice about being defensive or feeling the need to justify yourself to people (WH and others) I'd love to hear it. I fall face-first into this all the time even though I know better. Yes, TG said it - my angry self and pretty much everything else is camping out just below the surface.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 10:38 PM, January 3rd, 2020 (Friday)]

I have a lot I want to reply to, but I've been trying to take a break from SI. Not in reading, I still catch up and read the posts, but I put a lot of effort into my replies, and I'm trying to be smarter about where I'm putting my energy right now.

Anyway, I'm going to hold myself to that, and not reply to anything specific right now.

BUT I think of you guys daily. There is always something that reminds me of one of you, or I hear a joke, or see something that makes me think, "I have to show/tell the Womenz!"

Here are several images that have made me laugh out loud, or just think of you ladies.

Happy Fucking Friday!

Love them all, HHADL, especially the last 2!

My fch has never asked me to keep quiet about what he did. He knows I'm going to tell anyone I damn well please! If he didn't want to be thought of as a cheater, he shouldn't have cheated.

I don't feel the need to defend myself for any of my actions. I can say, No, without explanation. I do, or don't do, things because I want to, plain and simple. Idk what the trick is. I guess you just have to give yourself permission to be whatever you want to be. If you want to be an asshole, be an asshole. What other people think about me, or you, doesn't matter. I like the quote, "It's none of my business what other people think of me."

Happy New Year Womenz!

HHADL - LOVE those quotes! I actually LOL every time I read them!

TG - My angry self sat right below the surface for a long time! Not as close to the surface these days, thankfully! My H and chatted awhile back about telling people about his shitty decision making. He told me that if I felt the need to tell people then so be it. He would deal with the fall out. I haven't told many, as we are still working on R. But...if his response had been any different, that angry self may have clocked him!

HHADL those are some bad ass quotes!

ETA - Happy Fucking Monday my Beautiful Womenz!

[This message edited by Chaos at 12:39 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

Here's mine:

Farkin Mondays. I had 18 days off so today sucks ass.

Hope all of you are doing well!!

😂 Ellie

I found a nose ring that says, "Fuck you." I want it so badly. My fch would shit. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

speaking of jewelry - I bought myself a cheap piece - a silver toned thin cuff bracelet [did the old coat it with clear polish so it doesn't turn my wrist green] that on the inside says KEEP FUCKING GOING.

To the outward world it looks like a thin silver cuff layered with other bracelets.

On the inside it is a powerful mantra that makes me smile at the secret of it all.

Womenz - KEEP FUCKING GOING

And while I can't post a link - go to Amazon or Etsy and search "keep fucking going" bracelet. You'll have tons of inexpensive options

I love the sound of your bracelet Chaos!

My best friend got me one that’s very similar. A glance of the eye and it’s a simple, innocent bracelet but within it says - Fate whispers to the warrior “you cannot withstand the storm” and the warrior whispers back “I am the storm”.

I have Not Just Friends on cd. I play it nonstop while driving my car.

Anyone else??

EMDR is going eh.

I have had 4 sessions. When does it start working?

I asked my therapist for a lobotomy instead.

She agreed it would be more humane

Omg these bracelets sound awesome,

I may have to do a little shopping online, I used to wear a fair bit of jewellery, but seeings as the X bought most of it out of guilt or just trying to buy me, Now it appears I don’t wear much anymore!!!

Damn & fuck him im getting my own jewellery!!!

20years, it took me several tries with various modalities before I found something that worked. I did EMDR at my last therapy session. It didn't work very well. Idk. I just wasn't feeling it. Maybe I need more time to feel comfortable with the new therapist.

I see her today. She had suggested a book/workbook for me and my fch to read and do together. It's religious and I'm atheist, so I was resisting. I got another workbook that someone on this site suggested. It's based on the same type of therapy, but not religious. I'm interested to see how she reacts to me getting it instead of the one she suggested.

Schools are closed today. There's maybe a half an inch of snow on the ground. I guess the roads were icy this morning. This place is so silly with the inclement weather delays and cancellations. Everything is canceled when there's just a possibility of inclement weather.

My kids were hoping for a snow day today - but the sun is shining and it's gorgeous! Driving home from work last night, not so much - snow squalls practically all the way!

Just had to chime in about jewelry. I saw a really smart looking silver bracelet on line. It says "FUCK YOU" but in brail! I think you get other sayings/sentiments! I may order a few!