SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LH - You are a mess right now and that is OK given what you have been through. I wouldn't try to have a 'relationship' with this new guy just yet. Go out, but don't invest. I know that is so much easier said than done. I think it is so important to learn the difference between lonely and alone before jumping into another thing. Just my 0.02...

Thanks Ellie....I agree. You might need to remind me.

How come no one tells you about the destruction cheating does to you? Just left to flounder around...in this mud pit.

(((Lostheart8))) gah sounds like my STBX narc. In fact that is exactly how my first year went down after D-Day 2 with MOW. Anytime I brought up the A it was either 'bringing us back to the past' or 'punishing him' all while he was carrying on the A for 2 more years. Why I didn't kick him out after False R is what haunts me now 5 years later and a new D-Day.

I'm glad you will be getting out from this mess.

Oh just wanted to add on the dating part. Just be very careful as you don't want to attract a similar manipulator they seem to prey on those of us who are struggling.

I would do this...

Go out, but don't invest.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:53 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Thanks crazyblind....I’m telling you, your story and others stories has stopped me from sticking my head in the sand. I would have rolled with this...twisted myself into a pretzel with his words. Forgiven him and hoped for the best.

I knew if any R was going to happen I would need to lay down boundaries and stick with them. Be true to me. I heard that message over and over from so many BS on this forum.

That the boundaries tell you everything. I got the message ... if he hadn’t beaten me to the break up, I would have done it.

I’m realizing boundaries....I didn’t think it would be so hard, nor would it not alleviate the pain.

Thank god I’ve been in NC and only seen him on Sunday in 7 weeks. So, I’m used to my life without him in it. The first weeks of NC were so painful. At least I don’t have that hurdle to relive.

Ohhh...yes...thank you. I will be aware of that when I date peter. Beyond him....I don’t want to date. I want to heal myself. The drama is just too much.

Do WS love drama? They seem to just drag it along with them.

LH I so feel you. Cheating is horrendously unimaginably destructive to the BS. And I think is more of a shit pit than a mud pit

Boundaries are really hard, but in my experience, the more you put them down the easier it gets to do so. Because just like other healthy habits the more you practice them, the more benefit you get from it.

And for my part, I am so very glad that sharing my shit has helped another BS avoid the pain of a false R. You really are doing amazingly well, all things considered. Keep on keepin on LH. And make sure to keep those rose colored glasses off your face so you can see if the flags are red!

Yeah...your story Ellie ...resonated with me. I could see myself easily trying everything you tried to do. Your story pulled off my denial.

I won’t lie...I feel denial creep in....I go to the wayward and just found out .... read the stories and say to myself....oh yeah, this a turd situation not a rosy glasses situation.

Hopium .... god I want a hit of it so bad. In someways it would be all easier in the short run. But it’s fake.

Sigh....I don’t make a good addict.

Ellie, the Christmas card address list should come in the next couple of weeks.

LH - How about having some fun with Peter? Keep it light and adventurous?

Then, if it still feels good, move into more romantic endeavors?

You know, like normal people;e do?

I think?

Sorry, I've been married to a Liar and Cheater for so long, my idea of normal may be skewed

. I wouldn't try to have a 'relationship' with this new guy just yet. Go out, but don't invest.

Yes, just have some fun. I am sorry he turned out to be a turd but it’s good you found out now before marriage and kids. I’m sorry, I don’t remember, how long have you been together?

Oh, and feel better! I’m fighting something off too. Being sick sucks!

20yrs....y

Lol. Yes light and fun. Like “normal people”...I’m so used to drama and bullshit I might go into shock just to have fun. Funny I’ve forgotten about that. With all the heavy duty shit going...I’ve forgotten about fun. How novel.

Daisy....scary ....I wanted to marry this guy. I was so happy with him. I’m so lucky my git called me to snoop. No regret. Hey WS ....I’ve got no guilt snooping and had the pleasure of calling you out. Douchebag.

Feel better, Daisy

[This message edited by Lostheart8 at 3:56 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

LH,

Relax and enjoy the date, no expectations = no feeling of being let down or disappointed, just have some fun.

Thank you ladies I’m still here loitering just taking a step back for the time being.

Bloody heart needs realigning with my head again

Thanks blueeyes. I’m gonna take all of you in spirit on this date. 6pm est. ....you’re on a date. I’ll send all of us fun and relax vibe.

Hey, anyone interested in running away to a beach location...get drunk, listen to the waves and forget this shit? Oh yeah...a palm tree needs to there...preferably Hawaii. What do you think?

I think my bags are packed.

Aloha 🙋🏼‍♀️

Ok...I’ve got chaos on the trip. Come on ladies...fruity alcoholic beverages....no worries. Just us yelling asshole into the wind. Ok...we need good food too....snacky snuff.

Now Ellie has to go.....cause she’ll be fun. I bet she would get us into trouble.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have it all behind me.

On a side bar note....I’ve been reading the betrayed man thread. Boy they’re a mellow bunch. We’re like hot chills over hear with the swearing.

LMAO - why does everyone always say I'm trouble?? But yeah... I might prove to not be a good influence. Depends on how sassy I'm feelin.

I would luuuuurrrrrrve to go, but I am broke. Like broke was 3 paychecks ago and I'm past that. Yet one more oh-so-fun side effect of all of this - I am in the shit financially. Sigh.

Hey, but at least I still have my furkids, my house and a good job. My xh has his clothes (85% of which I bought), our old smelly couch, and some knickknacks and comic books. Oh and the undying love of his 19 year old skanklet AP let us not forget.

Ugh. Fucker.

LH how did the get together go? (I am not calling it a date cus I am trying to keep you from attaching)...

ETA - yeah the menz don't cuss anywhere near enough for my fuckin taste

ETA some more: Vegas? After tax return season next spring??

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 7:48 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

If any of you are in Florida, hit me up. We can get lunch.

I have a BIG job interview tomorrow. BIG because my neurologist asked me to not work full time anymore. This is a full time position, a 6 month contract. The $$$ is great too.

I tried logging into a joint act WH and I have that has a tiny balance, to obtain the act and routing # to set up a tiny Direct Deposit when I do the paperwork. The app directed me to call Customer Service. I called, the agent told me she couldn't unlock my login, as the act owner had marked the account "private", so HE needs to call to unlock it. WH is out of state on a work trip this week. I called him and told him to call the bank to fix this.

He calls me, tells me I have to call the bank, as I am the acct owner. I call and unlock it.

Since he moved funds from our joint checking account into one of his own, without my knowledge, we have maintained separate finances. This occurred in 12/2017. I don't trust him to be above board with anything, which keeps him flustered and off balanced.

I suggested we finally, once and for all, focus on paying off everything that has both our names on it. This means mortgage, time share, furniture, etc. Then, operate completely independently. Then, when he "falls in love again", the lovebirds can share finances. He became upset, thinks WE still have a chance if he can prove to me how much he's changed.

Sorry, not feeling it.

Am I off base here to suggest separating everything, even lives?

Why invest in something that has a proven track record of horrible performance?

20yobs - No I think you are very smart to separate everything. Doesn't mean that things won't ever get better with him, but definitely protects your interests if they don't. And hopefully gets you set up to go out on your own and get away from it if that is ultimately what you want.

Ugh so sorry - dealing with the $ part sucks ass.

ETA - fingers crossed for you on the job!!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 8:14 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Well, douchebag if it was a problem you never told me over the six months you had the affair.

This is so typical. "I was so unhappy. You didn't love me anymore. I was lonely. Blah, blah, blah. Whine, moan, cry."

But, they never bother to tell us any of that until after they get caught cheating. I call bullshit! That's what is referred to as rewriting the relationship history. It's a pitiful attempt at justification.

20years, I don't think that's unreasonable at all. My dad and stepmom always kept their finances separate. I think it was my dad's idea after being screwed over so badly by my mom. He tells everyone who is married to keep finances separate. I think it's an excellent idea if you can do it.

I took my 12yo shopping for fancy clothes yesterday. He has his first dance today. So cute! No date. He's going with friends.

While out, I shopped for a ball gown for me. The Marine Corps birthday ball season is coming up. My fch's is on the 2nd. The date really snuck up on me. So, I may have bought 2 dresses. ☺️ In my defense, they were both on sale. I got both for about $130! I may return the one I don't wear. Maybe not because I will need another dress next year. 😁

Getting paid! Got a paying gig tomorrow! 😁

Congrats Coco!!!! Now go buy some killer shoes to go with those dresses!!

Ellie. I’m financial strapped as well.....but we can go to Hawaii in our minds. No excuses we are going!

I see you in a sequined bathing suit. With kick ass boots on.

Got my date tonight. A bit nervous. I haven’t been on a date in ages. Yeah...it’s not a date - a meet up. Less pressure.

20yrs best of luck with the job.

I like separate everything. I did that with my last marriage. I like taking care of my responsibilities and no one else. When we got divorced - upside - .nothing had to be split. Downside in NY any debt between the couple is mutual, he had gained $49,000 in debt without my knowledge. Thank god I didn’t have to take any of it on. Be aware.

Coco. .thanks for saying that. It’s been a sticking point in my mind. You give me some comfort.

You see back in March I asked douchebag if he ever saw marriage in his life - as I’m looking to date to get married. He wasn’t sure about us. I suggested we relook at the topic at the end of the year. That we would enjoy each other and continue to get to know each other.

He’s telling me, at that point, I applied too much pressure. Too much responsibility. The affair started in April, because it was a symptom of him feeling pressured.

I mean, come on, if it’s too much pressure say so. I told him that’s bullshit. So you had an empty A because you don’t have enough balls to say you don’t like the pressure? Oh please!

That A was eating cake. But as you know feelings go all over the place.

Lucky woman I love getting dressed up. You’ll keep us posted on the dresses.

Congrats on getting paid!