SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry guess I'm in the middle of my own pity party atm,

to weak to gain any sort of strength from anywhere.

I just hate all of it

Thank you I will take a look at it 20yrsago

I know it sounds stupid...honestly I KNOW but hell if I had a crystal ball I would of never told him it was over, I would never of started this whole chain of events!!

I should of just left everything as it was.

It wasn’t so bad, I could’ve just turned a blind eye like I had for many many years.

It doesn't sound stupid. Sadly, statistically, abused women are more likely to be murdered if/when they try to leave. That doesn't mean you should stay, though. Idk what the right answer is.

Get a big, mean dog? Get a gun? Can you do that? The dog would probably be better protection.

It's such bullshit that he gets let put of jail. DV cases should have special circumstances for keeping abusers in jail. We all know how ineffective ROs can be.

It doesn't sound stupid. Sadly, statistically, abused women are more likely to be murdered if/when they try to leave. That doesn't mean you should stay, though. Idk what the right answer is.

Yes, it doesn't sound stupid. It is terrifying to leave and the reason why most abused women stay. You are being brave and strong. You deserve a better life and you will get there. (((hugs)))

Get a big, mean dog? Get a gun? Can you do that? The dog would probably be better protection.

I highly recommend the dog! We have a big dog who is not a mean dog at all, but the best protector we could ever ask for. My husband will just wrestle with me and my daughters and my dog will attack him to protect us. He will bite him (gently at first, but it does get harder if he does think we are in danger) and gets in between us to protect us. And he absolutely LOVES my husband. But my dog is just a huge protector of his girls.

The sad thing is he wasn’t always so abusive, it wasn’t always doom & gloom, I know deep down it would be detrimental if I took him back..damn I know this!!!

But it doesn’t stop me thinking...what if??

Sending you hugs bigblueeyes.

Can anyone give me any advice on antidepressants? I was given Fluoxetine 20mg from GP last week. Was on them only 4 days when I started to feel awful. I have stopped sleeping, feel like I am in a complete panic all the time, feel like I am in a daze and have started having suicidal thoughts. My GP did say that you can feel worse before you feel better and is seeing me again next week. However, I can’t take that risk. So I rang him and he has asked me to stop ASAP due to the speed and decline in mood.

Has anyone else experienced this? I have been low, don’t get me wrong, but been managing ok and sleeping. Just wanted something to help me get my bitch boots back. But don’t think they are for me. My parents have insisted I move in with them and stop all contact from WH. They will sort childcare with DD with him and speak to his parents. It will be very hard moving out of the family home but a big step that needs to be done I think.

BBE - think 'whatif' all you want. I think all of our brains are assholes and like to play the whatif game. But I will tell you this that you already know: IF you let him back, it would be a matter of time before you were right back in the vortex of physical abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse that you are trying to rid yourself of. YOU KNOW THAT HONEY. Abusers like him don't improve with time, they just get worse and worse and worse. My fear, given his already fucking outrageous behavior, is that IF you let him back, it would be a matter of time before he killed you.

You are still in early days of weaning yourself off of the toxicity. You will continue to get better and stronger the longer you are away from it. Be easy with yourself and give yourself time and room to grieve and go through your withdrawals. They suck but they don't last forever.

You are better and you fucking deserve better.

NB - talk to your doctor. There are a ton of different antidepressants out there. Work with him to find one that suits you better. And yeah, most of them will take 2-4 weeks to fully titrate into your system, so you may have to ride out a little roughness (by way of nausea, tiredness, etc) for a little while. Agreed though - the suicidal thoughts means that particular one is probably not a good match for you.

20yobs - I signed up for the Christmas card exchange yesterday. When do we find out how many we have to send out? I am still kinda hazy on the details...

Hugs all around!

Missed you ladies.

Bigblue.... I’m sending you a ton of love and compassion. I think you are very courageous to get out of something bad. It takes even more courage to keep moving forward. Please know I’m cheering you on. Big hugs.

Sigh...ladies. I had the meeting with WBF. Six hours of talking. I’ve been wiped of all my energy. It was a lot to take in.

Brief overview.....he has taken responsibility for making a choice to cross the line. It was cake eating affair. He’s ashamed to have gotten involved with a married woman. He knew from the beginning it was a safe affair....she wouldn’t leave husband and 3000 miles away.

He admits there’s something wrong in him to do this. Our month and half apart has given him loads of time to think.

He loved the extra attention with absolutely no strings attached. He’s not sexually attracted to her but loved the way she made him feel desired. She needed help with parts of her life and he felt good rescuing her.

He realizes part of the affair was escape/distraction from personal crap.

He wanted to explore a feeling he got with her. To see what was missing in his life or our relationship. He knew by the end of the convention year (this month) he would ended it with her. Then he had plans to come to me and discuss what was missing for him. He had no plans to tell me about the A.

He was forthcoming with facts. He completely denies anything sexual happened between the two of them. That they agreed since both were in relationships, they won’t sleep with each other.

He wants our relationship. He is willing to do what it takes to get us back on track. He was remorseful. I can feel the conflict he’s in .... the moral dilemma .... he admitted he crossed his personal boundary.

He opened up about a lot of his personal financial and emotional status. Most of it didn’t surprise me. I’m a healer and can see his issues. But this is the first time he’s opened up about it.

That’s his side of the story.

Thanks to the people on this forum and my beautiful kick ass ladies on this thread ..... I held my ground.

He took a verbal beating from me:

Told him...I disgusted that he would go after a married woman WITH A YOUNG CHILD. Absolutely gross. Completely disappointing.

I feel completely disrespected. How do you have a relationship with no respect?

He’s an amazing liar. How will I know what’s true and false? Of course, I’m trusting my lady gut feeling. She’s starting to sniff him out. Lol.

When he tells me ....I love you...really? To me that’s a big contradiction. You loved me so much you had an A to “explore” yourself. I think you love yourself more.

I don’t believe for one second that there wasn’t sexual contact. I believe it so strongly I’ll put my new Mini Cooper up in the bet. Ladies, this was one place my gut told me .... he’s full of shit. I’m trusting my gut.

He’s destroyed our trust so badly ..... I don’t believe anything until I know it’s true.

If he even want to think about me coming back in any form...MOW get no contact. Nothing. He needs to call her and tell her to stay away. And since I don’t trust him, I doubt he will do it. So what is he going to do to prove to me that this A is over?

Told him...this A is associated with an empty part of him. He needs counseling. Otherwise he’s going to cheat again.

A couple of times he tried to blame our relationship for pushing him into it. I call bullshit on that. Your actions are your own. He did agree that he’s responsible for the mess.

All in all....I feel the conversation has healed a part of me. I can close the door on this feeling I understood everything.

Of course, now I’m conflicted. Do I even give this guy a second chance? I made it clear to him...it’s all on his shoulders. I don’t need to prove myself to him or twist myself to make this work. It’s all up to him.

Plus, I’m not interested in all the monitoring some BS do. I have no interest in watching phone, email and all that bullshit. I’m saving my energy for better things. But of course - how do you trust a cheater otherwise?

Needless to say, I’m just sitting with everything. My focus is taking care of me and healing myself.

Of course .....lol...I got date on Thursday with meet up guy (Peter). I’m not good dating material. I’m going because I want to “explore” (take that douchebag) and see what’s out there. But I won’t mislead him if he interested in more.

So there’s my fucking hot steaming turd of a mess. 💩

NB - I had a good response to lexapro. Wellbutrin didn’t do anything for me. But it’s a personal thing....people respond to certain drugs differently.

If it’s not working....ditch it and get another one.

Thanks to the people on this forum and my beautiful kick ass ladies on this thread ..... I held my ground.

He took a verbal beating from me:

WOO WOO LH - you. fucking. go. girl! THIS is 1000% S+BB & RA+!

I feel completely disrespected. How do you have a relationship with no respect?

You can't if you are a kickass beeyotch like LH

I don’t believe for one second that there wasn’t sexual contact. I believe it so strongly I’ll put my new Mini Cooper up in the bet. Ladies, this was one place my gut told me .... he’s full of shit. I’m trusting my gut.

Good on ya - you have listened! Your gut NEVER FUCKING LIES. Ever ever. It is extremely hard to hear over heart and head bickering tho.

A couple of times he tried to blame our relationship for pushing him into it. I call bullshit on that. Your actions are your own. He did agree that he’s responsible for the mess.

Kick in the mf'ing dick girl... OMG you are so amazing

Of course, now I’m conflicted. Do I even give this guy a second chance? I made it clear to him...it’s all on his shoulders. I don’t need to prove myself to him or twist myself to make this work. It’s all up to him.

Just mho honey, but you don't have any really compelling reason to stay. And yeah monitoring them is fucking ridiculous. Dating is the litmus test for a relationship and he failed miserably. You deserve better.

Hugs LH - SO unbelievably proud of you!!

Thanks Ellie.

Part of my strength came from reading so much of what BS have gone through. I wanted to represent us. Stand up for all the bullshit these assholes think they are in titled to act on.

The weird thing....I thought I would be more relieved. I’m still empty.

I’ll give him credit. He took it all. I could see the humbleness below the surface. He knows he’s fucked this up badly. I hate to say it, but I was glad to see the shame and guilt on his face. I’m glad he’s paying a price too. Douchebag.

Now, I’m exhausted and worn down. I’m getting a cold. Oh joy...I get to muster it up and try to work.

Oh yeah...I’ve got to shave my legs. I’m looking like Bigfoot. One benefit of not having a guy in your life. Giving the razor a vacation.

The journey continues.....

Just checking in.

BBE-Stand strong girl, you know you are doing the right thing and when all this is said and done you will be able to live a happy free life; free of betrayal and abuse of all sorts.

LH8- Good job, I would not have sat there for 6 hours listening to that horse shit. I would have lost my temper and walked out. I have done it on more that one occasion with my H who I am trying to R with. Some things they say are just BS and should not get dignified with an answer.

I told hubby yesterday that I wrote him a letter and to let me know when he would have time to read it and sit and talk with me about it. He said ok. He surprised me when he got home and said where's the letter? So I emailed it to him. He read it and we talked. No one got upset, no one yelled, no one cried. It was an awesome step forward for us I think. It has been a week and a half since our huge fight. I think that fight showed us both somethings and I am hoping that it will bring us closer together.

Tomorrow is hump day! Hope yalls work week is going better than mine

The sad thing is he wasn’t always so abusive, it wasn’t always doom & gloom, I know deep down it would be detrimental if I took him back..damn I know this!!!

But it doesn’t stop me thinking...what if??

(((BigBlueEyes))) I'm currently going through the Cognitive Dissonance too from Narcissistic Abuse from my STBX.

When my mind tells me it wasn't THAT bad... It was.

Also Trauma Bonding is a real thing abuse survivors have to untangle. I'm positive you are trauma bonded to your WS as well.

i'm so sorry

Can we discuss atonement and/reparations for a bit?

I thought an appropriate gesture of faith on my WH’s part was to have MY NAME tattooed on his genitalia. He thinks that’s too much

What gesture would you find helpful and reassuring?

20yrs .... that is a great question. I like the tattoo idea. Seems fitting for the cheating.

Plus, you get to “Mark” your territory.

How does mr douchebag make atonement for breaking trust, respect and honesty?

Here comes sarcasm.....Wear a t-shirt that says “I cheated and lied to my wife” ...on back of shirt...”I’m a douche bag”. Yeah, some sort of public shaming. That would break his honesty and respect. But I guess revenge isn’t the goal.

So how does a guy atone for his shit?

HB .... I can’t do another marathon talk. I got a good part of my anger out. Overall...I don’t want to do it again.

Glad to hear you had a good talk. That’s a huge step. Congrats.

I don’t believe for one second that there wasn’t sexual contact.

Oh, thank goodness. I was worried you would fall for that bullshit.

HB, glad you had a good talk.

20years, I one who thinks a tattoo is too extreme, and I love tattoos. My fch and I both have 2. I want more. The only names i would get tattooed on my body are my kids'.

Idk what grand gesture would be sufficient. For me, atonement came with all the work my fch did to make things right.

I taught yoga tonight. It went really well. Idk if I told you all that the classes I've been teaching are free. I'm not getting paid, although I do get donations. It's only once a month or so. The owner of the studio I belong to set this up for new teachers to get experience. She told me tonight that she's going to see if she can rearrange things so that I can teach a class on Friday. I'll get paid for that, if it happens.

BBE, you have to stay strong. You are better without him. Lean on your family, your children. Please, do not take that man back!

HB, I am so glad the letter was a success and step forward!

Coco, that would be awesome to get paid for doing something you love! Good luck!!

Idk what grand gesture would be sufficient. For me, atonement came with all the work my fch did to make things right.

I will agree with this. Also, him wearing a wedding ring again. I know it might be a silly thing since it is so common. He hates jewelry and is wearing it to show me his commitment to us.

Congrats coco .... that’s a big deal.

Well it’s official ladies....WBF has been change to exWBF.

I was sick yesterday. Fever chills, body aches. Just awful.

WBF calls me but only has literal 2 minutes to talk to me. I ask him to call me later...yup he will call me in couple of hours.

Did I get a call? Nope. Nothing.

You know...I’ve had it. This guy wants the relationship....but he can’t even follow thru with a phone call. Geeze just check up on me...even for 2 minutes would have made the world for me.

I call and ask what happened. He’s been so busy no time to call. But he’s been thinking of me all day. I ask how am I suppose to know he’s thinking of me when I hear nothing?

I’m told if I was patient ....he was going to text me at bedtime so I could wake up to a good morning feel better text. But since I’ve jumped the gun, I’m getting nothing.

I got told I’m too demonstrative....his wording. Yes, I need constant reassurance. I explained the A has changed things. I need consistent actions to start rebuilding trust.

If you say you’re going to call, please call me. You want to be my hero call me and ask how am I doing.

Nope...now I’m holding the A over his head. That I’m going manipulate him for forever. How many more times can he apologize? Blah blah....you know all the usual shit they say when they want us to rug sweep.

Told him I have a huge chuck of my heart missing and that phone call would have helped to heal a bit of it. He tells me ...what I’m describing is too big for him to take on.

Then he explains...I’m way too demonstrative for him. I’m looking for something he can never give.

In fact, when he thinks about ..... this is the reason he cheated. I apply too much pressure. I told him bullshit ....he chose and had took his free will to cheat. Yeah, that’s true BUT the affair was a symptom of this.

Wow...the story changes in two day.

Well, douchebag if it was a problem you never told me over the six months you had the affair. I was clueless

Just need to rant.....that fucking affair had nothing to do with me or our relationship. He was getting his dick and ego stroked.

I ask if he called MOW to stop no contact. Yes he did. I ask what was discussed. Told that’s none of my business.

He completely regrets what he has done but it’s obvious to him...I have no sympathy for him nor will I forgive him.

Anyhoo...mr I want to save this relationship....told me he’s done. We are finished. HE FEELS that he can’t ever make me happy. Well, fucker I was happy before A .... yeah not happy know. Plus, I’m supposed to forget everything and just go back to our relationship?

I know if he didn’t call me ....the strong part of me...would apply pressure (I’m not standing for old behavior) to see if he was full of shit.

Well as you ladies have warned me.....he’s full of shit.

I now know in my heart of heart....this guy is overwhelmed in his personal life....so overwhelmed there’s absolutely no space to repair a relationship. He has no space in his fucked up head to have compassion.

This is for me to read...this is what I’m not loosing:

Cheat and an excellent liar.

About 130,000 in financial debt....had no idea how bad it was. He hid that from me until Sunday.

Never wants me to travel with him.....yup we know why.

Scattered. Always late. ALWAYS. sometimes up to 2 hours late.

Night owl...goes to bed at 1am to 3am. When I’m with him, I have to shift my sleep schedule.

His house is a mess - now to me - a reflection of who is inside. He hates my place too dusty and got cobwebs.

He’s always got an excuse...too busy, running behind, not in the mood, needs to care for mother, needs to travel, going places with friends. I’m really worn from that. I need to be a mans priority in his life. I’m not asking him to give up his life, but to see our relationship on the front burner unless something very urgent is happening. Maybe I’m dreaming.

It’s a dead duck.

Told him not to contact me. Ever.

Now he can fuck MOW without guilt.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Aw LH

I am sorry he turned out to be a turd

Hugs

Thanks 20yrs. He’s a big steamy hot turd.

I’ve got this date with peter tomorrow. The guy is so on top of things. I’m liking his actions.

I have a feeling that he will be great relationship material and I’m a fucking hot mess. I’m hoping that I don’t mess up any opportunity.

I want to let go of turd and enjoy this man tomorrow. Any thoughts ladies?