All the other wonderful womenz hit all of the topics I would have:
-file a complaint with the hospital
-document absolutely everything, and report it to the police. Even if it's not in violation of your RO, an excessive amount of this over time could possibly add up to a harassment charge I would assume
Another thing I thought of was this - what friends are passing messages for him? Can you tell them that you do not want to hear from him? I mean obviously if he makes any threats then your friends should notify you so you can report it to the police, but if it's just these professions of love and devotion, you really don't need to hear that.
To this point:
I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so god damn fucking tired of it all!!
FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK i want a life...any life where I'm not scared, any life where I can find some peace in it,
I hear you. You absolutely deserve a life free of fear. What are some action steps you and your kids can take to achieve that?
I know you've mentioned having a panic button installed at the house, that is great! Are all of the weapons out of the house/shed?
Could you take some self defense classes? Of course it's always best to let the police handle it if you can, but just in case a situation arises where you can't contact them, or it's taking them a while to get there, or whatever. I know it probably seems like small potatoes when you're facing a loaded crossbow, or up against a vehicle. But just the act of taking classes might be empowering for you.
I wouldn't make any drastic decisions now, like selling your house etc., until after his hearing re: his attempt at your life. If he goes to jail, you might not need to move. I would hope that attempted murder gets him a decent amount of jail time. I don't have a ton of faith in the American judicial system when it comes to domestic violence, but I hope that yours is better across the pond.
But can you start looking at other places to live? Maybe get an assessment done on the house so you can see how much you might get if you sell it, that way you know what kind of $$ you would be working with. It would help eliminate some of the "unknown" of what might need to happen, and that might alleviate some stress, just knowing what your options are.
Also remember that while the hyper vigilance you're living in is absolutely normal given your circumstances - your mind is just trying to protect you after all - it is also fucking exhausting. Do your best to eat well, drink water, and get really restful sleep. I know that's a lot easier said than done, especially when you're probably sleeping with one eye open, but try your best.
Is there somewhere you could go for a bit in order to get away from it all? Somewhere where he would have absolutely no clue where you are? I know when my X was making threats, even though he technically didn't have my address, I was scared just being in the same city as him, so I went and stayed with my parents for a week or so. I'm sure he knows where all of your kids live, but maybe you have some extended relatives, or friends of friends, or even just a cheap motel in the middle of nowhere?
I know it didn't feel very empowering to run away from it, and I was PISSED that in a sense he was forcing me out of my own home, but it sure did make me feel a hell of a lot safer. I didn't have to be as vigilant, so I was able to get out of flight response mode which helped immensely with sleep and just my overall stress levels.
So many hugs to you, and Fuck. That. Guy.
