Trying to work today - took yesterday off as I was just too demolished. This is about the worst I've been since before d-day1 in a way to be honest, and it's weird because it's not the "this is done and over" as I have been reeling with that acceptance for a long time. I think it's the total lack of closure that my WH is just unable to give. He's on whatsapp talking with the AP still - I know this - and he knows I know it yet he won't admit this is the real reason why he didn't try with us. It just amazes me, that at this juncture, even now, he keeps to this "I tried and I just wasn't fully into it and so I just lost my love for you" mantra (he doesn't really say that much - but he has before - and I'd imagine that is what he is telling himself). What is the point of that when it's not the truth at all? Maybe he cannot admit to himself that with her in the picture he wasn't really trying with us? Who knows.
I know that I have decided that due to the family situation with my current employer, that I am not going to stay here through my contract, but I will wait until my boss's medical situation ends and then ask if he is okay with finding a replacement sooner and letting me leave. This may take a few months to accomplish and if I'm realistic it will likely not be earlier than the new year, and he may not agree to it. If he does, I will leave. (The reasons I cannot just ask now are personal to him and for privacy reasons I cannot disclose it on here - but be assured that I have talked to a LOT of people about just asking right now and everyone says, when they understand what is happening in his life, that it would not only not be taken well by him, but actually a bit cruel and selfish of me).
It's just not worth it to me to stay and finish out this job, even though I know my resume will suffer for it, and I may cost myself my "dream job" (which I thought this one was - sigh) in the future. What it will likely mean for me is that I go right back where I came from when I moved here, and find a job similar to what I had before, and sort of delete this whole experience from my life (not literally - but it will be weirdly like it "never happened" in a was if I'm back in the same place with the same/similar job - hopefully).
After talking with a good friend for several hours about my quandry, and him agreeing that there are no good solutions (actually his comment was "your options all are fucking awful") he asked me, are there any of them that would make you feel better at all: spending the money renting somewhere for 11 months, WHs plan to "help" me financially which involves buying a house I don't want for me to move into and me taking it over once I'm done with my job, or just breaking the contract and leaving and letting my resume take the hit? I don't want to suffer the emotional loss and the financial loss and the career damage but as my former co-worker and friends said to me last night "If you think you are going to get a shitty recommendation anyway (I truly do - I have not been good at this job due to his infidelity and the aftermath), then why delay the inevitable?" And that, just the idea of being able to leave here sooner than a year from now, brought a huge wave of relief like I haven't had in a long time.
I am really looking forward to leaving here (and I have been since April - d-day3 changed me - wanting to leave and waiting it out was my only solace). I haven't been holding onto R - instead I was just holding onto holding onto my sanity until I could leave. So, I when WH mentioned the move last night I told him - told him that I planned on asking to get out early when things were better personally for my boss...and you guys were right, kind of. WH looked stunned when I told him that - that I would stay here for a month or so and see what happened with my boss, and if the time was right I would ask then and stay on as long as needed to find a replacement and then leave. I think he didn't expect that I would "be gone" - forever. He thought that maybe when I left here that things would simmer down and he could contact me at his whim or that because I was nearby, that if somehow he changed his mind and felt my leaving was another bad decision in a series of bad decisions that he has been caught in for years, that he could try to reel me back in. I have told him that my leaving - moving away - would always be the end. No looking back. I would be gone from his life, and I think last night it hit him...and he followed me around - not saying much but staring at me a lot like he hasn't in AGES - brought me a glass of water (I did not ask for one) - and generally looking at me in a way that indicated that for him, I think, it was the first time it really hit him that I was about to become a ghost to him - a phantom of a life that didn't really exist at all, nevertheless anymore. He looked sad and introspective in a way that I simply have not seen at all, during any of the last 2 years of hell.
Ultimately I fell asleep on the couch reading with my phone in my hand hanging off the side - more peacefully than I have in a long time - I didn't intend it. And I woke up at about 1am, with him sleeping on the couch that is kitty-corner to where I was lying, holding my hand, the hand my phone had been in, in his.
It means nothing. It does not bring me any kind of hope. It just, in that moment, made me sad, as had he been this way towards me when I was trying to R with him - it could have been different, instead of a total demise.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:18 AM, October 18th (Friday)]
