SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just got back in a little bit ago. Left at 8:30 PM, stayed out until 4:00 AM. Had copious amounts of alcohol. Had McDonald's. Had Denny's. Was offered a LOT of weed (it's legal in California, so no legality problems; I didn't partake because I'm just not super into being high). Chatted with a few ladies, but nothing really came of it.

There was one young lady at a hipster bar that was sitting next to where I was ordering for a friend and I. She kept looking over and turning back to glance at me, and so I looked at what she was doing.

She had drawn a medieval fantasy scene with romanesque pillars and trees, and various patrons of the bar dressed up as courtesans, etc etc. It was unfinished, but really good, especially for freehanding it. I told her I loved the pillar designs and the level of detail she put into the shading, and she started pointing out the people she drew inspiration from. She was super, super shy, and I could tell that she kept wanting to talk to me, but then she would turn away and scribble a little more, start to turn back, then away.

I considered engaging her, because, tbh, she was super cute, but she seemed barely old enough to be in there (MAYBE 21, 22) and so incredibly shy and anxious. Now, I know what I am personally looking for (someone comfortable with a NSA/ONS) if I am even looking for someone (not really sure I am yet, I'm just enjoying being out by myself or with friends), and I weighed it out. I figured that the safest bet would be to let her approach me if she wanted to, because I know I have a very forceful personality and I didn't want her to get any regrets. I complimented her artwork one more time, she thanked me, and I brought the drinks to my friend. We sat back and drank them, and she eventually packed up her art stuff and left.

Part of me wishes that she had approached me, part of me wishes that I had approached her, but part of me is glad that nothing happened. I don't think she would be the kind of person that would be super good for me right now, and I don't think I would have been good for her, based on what little I was able to read.

But godDAMN she was cute. I guess I have a type, and she was it. Petite, dark hair, fair skin, big eyes, soft voice. Dressed in a cornflower blue dress with white lace and black, high lace-up shoes.

Our college town is known to be rather eccentric... our hipsters are hyper-hipster.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 6:56 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

@incarnate glad you got out and enjoyed yourself.

Also glad to hear some men like the petite, dark head girls. Always felt being short caused some to look over me. Lol

@ Catsntats I agree withholding sex while giving it to another is totally manipulating. But I am so thankful we haven’t had sex in 5 years. I dodged a bullet. I told WH he had to get std tested...... his came back positive for an std...my test came back clean. And yes, wh and I are still under the same roof. I’m in limbo. I’m in IC to work on my anxiety with intimacy, for me not for Wh.

Theraptist are right you should not get involved with someone soon after a break up or you will end up in another bad relationship. I did just that.

"Shehawk, my last reply was to Emotionalhell (EH).

But I hope we all find have the time we need to heal without winding up back with someone that put us here in the first place.

I know I need time to process what the last 6 years did to me and took from me."

I know you were responding to EH Cats. And I probably get the response etiquette for the whole message boards forum thing wrong. But just the thought that I could do this whole horribly painful thing all over again about sent me over the hedge (yes movie reference here but seriously what a scary thought I need to remove from my quantum field). More yoga. And therapy. Lots of therapy (and intense personal work) for me. Thanks for the all too important reminder in your post about the need to heal before getting involved again.

Incarnate, I'm enjoying reading your posts. I think you are doing great. Getting out there, making small talk with new people, but not doing anything impulsive or unsafe. These little interactions will little by little rebuild your self-esteem. You are not what your wife has done to you. She is a trainwreck and you have escaped with your sanity and your faculties. I call that a win. Go on and keep living your amazing life.

CatsNTats (love the name), I'm sorry that your ex is still trying to keep his claws in you. Mine definitely did. I just tried to give him as little information as possible about anything that I was doing. Which had the added bonus of driving him crazy. I mean, I could literally be spending the entire weekend sitting on the couch watching Netflix but I was completely evasive when he tried to tease out what I was doing. And I know it made him insane.

@JG - Thank you! Yes, I had him blocked after I got him off the phone bill this past Monday. Looks like that about drove him insane. He got through to my vm yesterday saying he had something important to discuss. He sounded calm, and reasonable, in the message. Fuck. I should've known better though. He did the same shit he's been doing. A lot of back and forth and couldn't even tell me what was soooo "important".

After I get past one, or maybe both of my exams this week I am going to see about borrowing my brother's truck. Getting one last load of the things upstairs, handing him the key, changing my number, and closing the door - forever.

I don't know if it will work out this way or not. But I think that is what I need to do. I can't have his craziness in my life anymore. He's still trying to do the same things that he did all Summer that helped to push me to leave in the first place. Still making accusations, still blame-shifting. It really throws me off and I need to be able to focus on my studies.

@EH, I did the same (jumped into another relationship after my first marriage with my now STBXWH). No shame lady. Sometimes we get swept away in a romance that helped us move on the first time. Unfortunately, while it did help me move past my first D, I couldn't have known that it would wind up being much of the same - but worse. I know now.

The man who claims he'd kill anyone that ever tried to harm me was the one who harmed me the most.

Curious - The STD your WH got, is it forever? Or was he able to take medication to get rid of it? If it is a forever STD, I don't blame you for not caring about sleeping with him, but I would not want to stay living with that person either with no intimacy/closeness.

What are you going to do? Do you plan to leave?

I think you deserve better. What has he been doing for the past 5 years? Is he still in A (or A's)? Or has he tried to have intimacy with you again?

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I know STD's have been brought up a few times in this thread and I am well aware of the risks. That's why I am not going out trying to nab up some fuck boy.

I am able to keep my emotions separate from sex. I am not worried about that.

I actually have a certain someone that I have thought was attractive for a long time. I am hoping he will be at this 40th bday party next week. I know he was on the invite. And I'm hoping he is still single (if not, I will not even bother). I guess I will find out soon enough if he is there. He sent me a request on something the other week, which surprised me because I've only seen him a few times at social things the past few years.

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@Shehawk, I am glad you've come a long way. I need to be working yoga back in if there is ever a time I can not have my nose in the books or have to still be unpacking. This move was a nightmare. I also don't ever want to be back there again. What a nightmare this whole thing has been.

I stopped even talking about him years ago when I went to things because I had nothing good to say to people. If they asked how he was, I kept it a brief, "good" which was clearly a lie.

I have to remind myself of these types of things every single day so I don't find myself getting sucked back in to this shit show of a life he created for us/me.

Quick update. Spent the evening chatting with the lady I spoke to at the bar over messenger. We have a tentative date set up. Turns out she loves the movie Anchorman, and I can quote it just about verbatim. Neither of us have seen it in a while, so we're gonna watch it. I'll be bringing buffalo wings. I'll also offer to meet elsewhere and have a drink or something, so she can feel me out and see whether or not she wants to invite me to her home instead of just the presumption that comes with that.

When she said she had to go to bed, her last message was "It was great talking to you. You seem like a cool dude. Talk soon maybe?"

And I'm a little wondering if that might be a slightly distancy/friendzony sort of message, because I know that dudes are, in general, bad at spotting those. On the other hand, we're also notoriously bad at spotting the "come hither" statements as well, so I don't know. I am going to approach it just as me, genuine, honest, as I always have been. No fronts, no airs, no expectations.

Maybe she'll meet me at the bar and not feel it. Maybe we'll go to her house, eat buffalo wings and watch a movie and I'll go home. Maybe I'll stay over. I'm leaving it entirely open and up to her. I just hope she's not the kind of gal that needs her partner to make the first move, because I don't think I can really make a first move right now. It was a stretch to message her in the first place.

Sounds like she wants to speak to you again before your tentative date. It may also help break the ice to speak more when you do see each other again. Don't overthink it. If you are compatible, things will work themselves out.

When she said she had to go to bed, her last message was "It was great talking to you. You seem like a cool dude. Talk soon maybe?"

And I'm a little wondering if that might be a slightly distancy/friendzony sort of message, because I know that dudes are, in general, bad at spotting those. On the other hand, we're also notoriously bad at spotting the "come hither" statements as well, so I don't know. I am going to approach it just as me, genuine, honest, as I always have been. No fronts, no airs, no expectations.

I don't know anything beyond what you wrote, but this seems way more like she is into you and hoping that you are also into her.

Think Carly Rae Jepsen... she's saying call me maybe.

I know this thread has taken on a different life a little bit, but to address the OP - CatsNTats, just wanted to say that there may be a couple simple explanations for why you're feeling particularly horny.

1. This one is more general and applies to both genders. When you're stressed/anxious/depressed, your body steals the hormones that would normally go toward making sex hormones (testosterone, estrogen, progesterone etc.), and instead puts them toward producing stress hormones, namely, cortisol. Basically, your body shuts down its sex drive because it perceives a "threat," and sex is not an essential function to survive whatever that threat is.

Infidelity is one of the most stress/anxiety/depression inducing traumas that someone can live through, so it stands to reason that our bodies would shut that shit down. Remove the stressor, and it's no surprise that your sex drive sky rockets.

2. This one is specific to women. I don't want to assume anything and potentially offend anyone, but I'm guessing that at 37 you haven't hit menopause yet, which means you're still ovulating regularly. Well, our bodies release hormones specifically when we are ovulating to make us horny as hell! Our bodies want us to get pregnant so damn bad, that we get super horny during the time when we are most likely to get pregnant - basically the 5 days before ovulation, the day of and the day after. So you get a week of crazy dick-seeking feelings. When XH and I were trying, I could practically predict when I was ovulating based on how horny I was.

If you track your periods, you'll notice that a couple of weeks before your period is when it happens. Don't be tricked by people who say exactly 14 days, as everyone's luteal phase (the time between the day the egg drops and the first day of your period) is different. And can actually greatly be affected by stress hormones, which is why being stressed and trying to get pregnant don't go well together.

Some women, like me, get cramps during that time too. It's only on one side, because you only ovulate from one of your ovaries at a time, and it will be different depending on which one you are ovulating from that month. You'll notice you're more "wet" during that time too.

I was horny as hell in my 20s too, but I didn't know all of this back then. I bet if I went back and tracked when I was most active it probably coincides with my ovulation.

I'm not interested in dating yet for some of the same reasons listed here - don't want to use people, don't want to put in the effort to trust someone enough to build any kind of meaningful relationship, but also scared of STDs from easy hook-ups. All my FWBs from my early 20s days are married or in serious relationships now. Also, a side note, but not completely irrelevant, I'm really not thrilled that I'm going to have to start using condoms again... another fun bonus gift that infidelity gave me

I do take these feelings as a positive sign that my fuck-the-shit-out-of-someone button wasn't broken, it was just disabled when my body went into self-preservation mode because of my douchebag ex.

Anyway, just thought that might be useful information to you. At about the 6 month mark after DDay/separation, I started getting super horny again, in these fluctuating patterns, and I was able to pinpoint it to that specific time of each month. Now I just know that there will be a few days where I have to take care of myself.

In fact I'm considering getting a new vibrator for that purpose - my old one shot craps about 2 years into my relationship with my XH and I just never got a new one. Of course it would be nice to have some human contact, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet.

Also, a side note, but not completely irrelevant, I'm really not thrilled that I'm going to have to start using condoms again.

That actually irks me too. We used condoms for a little while here and there, but the ex opted to get an IUD. It causes her some discomfort, and about two years ago I was going to get a vasectomy so that she could get it out and we wouldn't have the risk of pregnancy (mostly... I know that they, like other forms of birth control, aren't 100% perfect; anomalies happen), but she said she'd keep it in anyways, and that was a HUGE red flag, so I didn't go through with it.

Now I know why.

But I realized I have ZERO idea where to get them free (I think Planned Parenthood has them, but it's awkward to call up and see if they have condoms for free, yaknow?) and honestly, I don't know what kind to buy; I've never had to bother with that sort of thing. However, if I am going to start dating again, NSA or whatever, it's something that I'll have to figure out later in life when I never thought I'd have to worry about it.

As for the whole hormonal fluctuations thing, re: cortisol etc, I get that. My sex drive dropped off sharply for the two weeks after DDay 2; no desire for it, no taking care of it myself, nothing. However, as soon as I started to get a grip on myself and realize that I had to start moving forward, it came back with a gusto.

Now, after getting into counseling and looking back at the last decade without my rose-tinted glasses, I see how much of my issues were stemming from the ridicule, mockery, and judgement from my STBEW. I'd never had performance issues before, but her mannerisms made that a semi-frequent occurrence. Now, 40 days post DDay, and it's like, yo. She cut me off a bit over 3 months ago, and before that, calling it dry would be like calling a Cadbury Creme Egg "a little on the sweet side."

I want to reclaim the sexuality that I feel was stolen from me and given away. I want to realize myself as a complete and powerful entity personally, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I don't want my first and only one to be my last one. I've got a clean bill of health and a fully functional toolbox. I want to put it to use with someone who is enthusiastically participatory and who appreciates that I'm there. I'd like to experience that.

Anyways, I guess I'd better hop off this soapbox.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 7:57 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

I haven't used a condom in years. I'd get the snip snip if I was 100% sure I never wanted kids...but when you're not actively seeking to get laid, it seems like an unnecessary procedure anyway.

IUDs can fail, so be careful. Mass produced and readily available OTC male birth control can't come soon enough. You know what's better than one wall to keep the barbarians from sacking your city? Two walls.

Be careful, be transparent and HAVE FUN!!!

I'd get the snip snip if I was 100% sure I never wanted kids...but when you're not actively seeking to get laid, it seems like an unnecessary procedure anyway.

FWIW, I had the snip job, then bombshell divorce, then met someone and got it undone. Worked well in both directions.

My guy got the snip back in . . . oh, I don't know, maybe March? Oh my lord. Best. Thing. Ever. I was on hormonal birth control for so many years and it was fine, but it evened out the natural ebb and flow of hormones in my cycle. And I don't know about you ladies here but for me, those hormones are a crucial part of my sex drive.

Safe sex YES! But oh my gosh, when you're in a committed relationship, a vasectomy is a HUGE check mark in the plus column from here on out. It's better than six-pack abs, fellows.

JanaGreen, completely agree. a couple of times I tried hormonal birth control, I gained 10 lb and completely lost my sex drive. Worst thing ever.

My new SO had a vasectomy just after his second child was born. Yaaaayyy for vasectomies!!

An update. Also posted in the Menz thread and my thread "A rose amongst the rocks":

Yesterday was... rough

Had a therapy session. Started off okay, catching up my therapist with what has gone on over the last 2 weeks,me choosing to increase my dosage of propranalol myself (which she enthusiastically approved of due to her saying she could immediately see the effects; different mode of dress, different way I carried myself, steady and intense eye contact, etc... she said that I immediately felt like a more powerful person this time around). She also approved of me going out and meeting the woman I met, as she said it seemed to rapidly rebuild my confidence.

Then we got into the EMDR. We didn't have much time, but it was.... intense. Stressful. I was able to push through without disassociating, but the instant I left the office, I was in a disassociative cloud for the rest of the day. However, the lady I've been talking to messaged me, instead of me messaging her, so I think I've made an impression. We ended up chatting solid for six hours. LOTS of heavy flirting, lots of pic trading, and she showed me some of her more suggestive boudoir photography (nothing nude, but still some pretty attractive stuff), and I commented on one of the pictures in particular; she was laying on a bed with a sheer white sheet partially covering her (enough to retain the vestiges of modesty), her head resting on a bright red pillow. The angle was from up by her face, shooting down across her body, her face turned towards the camera, eyes closed.

ME:

So, we're looking at the pose here, the color composition, the lighting, it has a LOT of subtle elements to it that I really appreciate.

The pose itself, with your legs spread and the position of your hands and arms, that is definitely suggestive.

But then the angle of the shot puts -you- in the focus, your expression, instead of your attributes. It doesn't turn you into a thing, a vessel, it keeps you as a person as the subject. It changes the entire mood of the photo.

The eyes are drawn to your face and not your body.

HER:

You have a way with words

ME:

I am a writer, after all. bows

Anyone, anyhow, can photograph a nude body and be like "Look, here is an attractive person who is naked. Find your satisfaction."

But there is an art to finding a way to do that that brings more to the table, that turns it from just an enticing photo into something that is more, something that has extra layers to it.

HER:

So....you think I'm attractive? 💁‍♀️🤣

ME:

Well, yeah. I mean, did I not seem to?

We went from there to get goofy and giggly together, trading pictures of us making dorky/screwed up faces into the camera, and the conversation resumed, but much warmer and flirtier after that. It sort of pulled me back in from my disassociation.

It feels good to be wanted and desired, or even just accepted again, to not feel like my face and my body and my mind and my personality are heaps of rotting garbage.

Anyways... I've got a for-sure date with her for tomorrow at 6:00. My first "first date" since I was 15.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 8:15 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Safe sex YES! But oh my gosh, when you're in a committed relationship, a vasectomy is a HUGE check mark in the plus column from here on out.

If I ever wade in the OLD pool again, I'll be sure to put that on my profile, front and center (I'll conveniently avoid discussing my dad-bod abs).

Yesterday was... rough

Uh, let me disagree with you.

My reason for disagreeing with you:

We ended up chatting solid for six hours. LOTS of heavy flirting, lots of pic trading, and she showed me some of her more suggestive boudoir photography

Nice!

Uh, let me disagree with you. Nice!

Yeah - Uh, let me disagree with you.

He's in no condition to be dating. Period.

Someone who is having panic attacks, having trouble dealing with the shock of infidelity, getting emotionally wiped out after ONE therapy session...not someone in a good place to be dating. For themselves or the other person.