SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess I am in the minority here, but I feel so completely fucked up from everything I have been through in the last 10+ months (well fuck me, last 9 years really) that I am not even remotely interested in FWB or anything else at the moment. I can take care of that myself (and IMHO that is the only NSA sex there is). I guess for me, none of it is worth the price of admission right now. Plus I don't think it would be fair of me knowing how screwed up I am to pull someone else into it until I have done some work and landed on some firmer footing in my own head.

All of that said... CNT if you want to find a FWB/NSA situation, fackin go for it girly! Just be honest with yourself and your partner and be safe about it... and make sure to run far and fast at the first sign of any red flags

@Ellie - I honestly didn't think I would feel this way and haven't in a long time. It's just been this past week that my body has made me feel like I need it. Maybe because of tension. Maybe because I haven't been touched in 4 months or actually touched in years in a way I enjoyed. He did a lot of harm on that end too. I don't even really want a FWB. I just want to have my world (or my body) ravaged for a night.

That's why I have reservations about things like Tinder. And yes, I plan to be safe on all counts.

That's why I have reservations about things like Tinder. And yes, I plan to be safe on all counts.

None of the guys I know who use Tinder would be the least bit upset about you "using them" for NSA. Yes, most of their profiles say something about a "relationship" but, that's not why they are on there, it's only what they think make them most attractive to women. So, please, don't feel like you're doing someone a disservice, if you message a guy and tell him what you said on this thread and that "only NSA" is what you're looking for, I think there's going to be one guy staring at his e-mail wondering "Should I play the lotto today too!!" he's so happy and surprised. Attributing your "normal" motivations for having sex (relationship/caring/bonding/etc) to other people is a mistake, there are tons of guys out there who aren't looking for that (and I'm sure some women too). Just like me attributing my reasons for having sex (feels good, fun, relaxing, etc) to other people when I was younger was a (terrible) mistake. Or attributing my imagined reasons for having an A to my WW is also a mistake.

Anyway, have fun! It's very unlikely your going to hurt anyone, in fact, I'd say it's many times more likely your going to make someone's day! And, as others said, this is one of the areas where I am truly jealous of women, take advantage of it! Make someone happy and make yourself happy, what's the harm in that?

The down side - get prepared to get judged by just about everyone. Men don’t go through this...they can date someone 10-15 years younger and not much is said. /quote]

My wife is 14 years younger. I have heard it all, including being called a pedo. I am like, do you even know what the definition of what that is? I had an older man tell my wife that her dad should be shot for allowing her to be with someone so much older.

I think in my case my wife does look really young. At 34 she looks 20. I look young for my age but nothing like her.

Anyway, glad you found a younger person that breaks the mold. My wife doesn't or at least hasn't so far when it comes to meaningful conversation.

i bet your inbox on here is filling up (not a euphemism!), lol.

go for it. sex can be healing, lead into in a healthy way. especially for some of this shit we have gone through.

i can't wait to feel desired again after my wife discarded me like an old piece of furniture.

i was volunteering on saturday and got paired off with a beautiful and intelligent 25 year old. far too young for me but we flirted all day. it felt wonderful. i knew that i would never "go there" until the divorce is over and i get my head round further about what has happened to me, but to see her bashful and battering her eye lids and leaning into me like she had known me for years was actually pretty unforgettable. I'll probably thank her in many years to come for being a small step in getting my self respect back.

the last six months of my marriage my WW's contempt, coldness and discard was forgotten.

I think when we make our happiness entirely dependent on another then that's when problems start. but jesus who doesnt like a bit of hanky panky and sexual flirting etc

For how long did it last?

Five years, two weeks, two days. And a couple hours. So far. And that's if you don't count the two years or so prior to DDay that there wasn't anything going on in the bedroom.

Not saying its all been Nirvana, but I think I've come to terms with it. A couple months ago I went through a spell where I thought I would want to find someone again, but then I realized I had just been looking at the approaching anti-versary date and feeling like I "needed to be over it" by now. After all, the "three to five years" gets thrown around a lot here, so "hey, its five years next month, so I guess I'm over it now."

Maybe I'll see how next year goes.

ETA: Sorry, I don't usually post in here (see the first sentence above, ain't nothing "new" or "beginning" going on here), but the thread title caught my eye on the main page.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 9:33 AM, September 16th (Monday)]

But Jesus, who doesn't like a bit of hanky panky and sexual flirting etc?

For me, it's a huge part of the spice of life. For the first five years of our marriage, there was lots of it. Flirting, stealing away for a quickie, innuendos, coming up behind each other and stealing a kiss, etc, etc. Then the honeymoon period wore off and she started clipping the wings of those birds. First to go was kissing, then part of foreplay, then a bit more, then all foreplay, then gradually all sex at all. The emotional aspect of it all faded pretty fast and she made it clear it was just another chore.

I absolutely crave that level of closeness, that little leap of the heart when you see your partner doing something completely mundane like washing the dishes or reading a book. Something as simple as cooking a pasta sauce with them, and you can't help but smile when you catch sight of them out of the corner of your eye.

For me, that goes hand in hand with passion in the bedroom. I've been absolutely devoid of passion for so long that it feels like I'm starving. Even if it's for a night, I'm incredibly tempted to find it with someone else.

I get people saying both things; "go for it" and "don't be that guy." One that an acquaintance told me the other day was "Don't be some lady at a bar's mistake."

Like damn. GodDAMN. Way to shove a knife into my guts, lady, I appreciate it. Nice to know that spending intimate time with me is a fuckin' mistake. Cool. The thought of having a level of enforced celibacy due to someone else's actions is offensive to me, like, "Oh, she cheated on you, now you're not allowed to have sex for X number of months or you're the bad guy."

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that. At least after DDay 1 there was a month or two of hysterical bonding and we had lots of fantastic sex. This time, I got cut off two months before DDay so she could save herself for her partners.

It's some goddamn horseshit. If I want to be an adult and do adult things with other consenting adults, well, I'm single now and I can do that and there's nothing wrong or immoral about it.

Git sum.

I get people saying both things; "go for it" and "don't be that guy." One that an acquaintance told me the other day was "Don't be some lady at a bar's mistake."

Good luck man. I have no idea how to "not be that guy", I really don't. Sure, you can try the straight up approach (I'd just like to F you, no feelings, no strings) but a lot of people seem willing to accept that with the HOPE that they can/will get more (feelings and "strings"). The more I read about the motivations that some people have for sex, the more I think that it's nearly impossible to have a "real" NSA relationship. Not because it's impossible, but because it seems that it's just so often a lie.

This will be as popular as a fart in church, but, in a lot of ways, I think that professionals are the way to go for a lot of this "NSA stuff" (for men, for women, obviously, it's freely and openly available). That way, even if feelings are caught (and they most likely will not be), at least she was compensated for her time. I "stole" a lot of sex as a young man under the guise of "might be something more" when I knew that was not true. I wouldn't want to be that person again, but, I'm not sure how to avoid it if my goal is really NSA.

RIO, there are tons of women who just want NSA sex who can be found online and who are not prostitutes (the use of which is disturbing to me on a number of levels).

A lot of women do not want to fall in love and just want to get laid. Will it take longer to find one than to find a man who just wants to get laid? Sure. It's worth it, though.

@Dee

Well, thank you for saying that, and I have absolutely no doubt your right. You, this thread, and lots of other posters have proven, without out a doubt, that some women are down for NSA. The problem is that a lot of women will lie about it, "down for NSA" when they really want and are hoping that NSA will turn into a relationship. I experienced it many, many times in the dating world (we called it friends with benefits, but it was basically NSA) and, over and over again, people would "catch feelings" and inevitably, get hurt.

I'm not pointing a finger here, I was just as bad. I would pretend to be interested in more, but I really just wanted NSA. So this isn't one sided, it's not like women are the only liars here. But much like its near impossible for women to determine if a guy "really wants more" or "really cares about me" (with this site and the WW's here as exhibit A in that discussion), it's also near impossible for, at least me, to tell if "NSA" really means that, or if it means "I want a relationship, but I'll say NSA until he "come around" and realizes what a catch I am".

I hurt a lot of women in my day, even when I was relatively honest (in my day, it was impossible to be totally blunt and direct, there had to be a dance; I understand that's changed with things like Tinder, so perhaps it's no longer true), it often resulted in crying phone calls and really upset/angry "NSA" partners when I moved on.

The problem is this, when a significant number of people are lying about their true intentions, it's really hard to trust anyone when they state that as their intention (even if it's 100% true). And I'd say the same for WH's for an AP; if his lips are moving, he's probably lying. That one should be (but IS NOT, at least not to many) obvious and yet, over and over, people fall into a "love story" that doesn't actually exist. If there's a clearer "your an NSA hookup" than being an AP to a male cheat, I'm not sure what it would be.

The problem is that a lot of women will lie about it, "down for NSA" when they really want and are hoping that NSA will turn into a relationship

I daresay those women are almost as stupid as the ones who cheat for "love", lol.

My biggest obstacle, in the whole NSA discussion, is that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to even approach such a thing. I had, like, 2 or 3 girlfriends before I met my STBEW, and I was -young-. Never got physical with any of them beyond heavy petting because I was a responsible teenager.

I met my ex when I was 16. I married her at 17. We waited until marriage. I NEVER flirted outside the marriage. I'm told I have a natural charisma and a way with words, but I'll admit my confidence is absolutely shattered (well... it waffles from shattered to heightened, which is weird). I don't know if I'd freeze if approaching a woman, and OLD is not a lucrative platform in my area.

I guess the best lubricant for romance is good old fashioned alcohol. Soon as I can swing some cash, though, I'ma go to one bar that I've been to a few times and see if I can even strike up a conversation. I'm in better shape now, I'm thinner, I'm more clean cut, I should at least be able to TALK to another woman, right?

... right?

@SumofOne

To all the women talking about younger men. I recently had this conversation with a female friend. She is very fit and very sexual. She echoes all the things you guys are saying about the good and bad. She has one young guy she sees and she says conversation with him is taxing. The sex is ok from a mental standpoint but that he is all about himself and clueless. She prefers older men.

I feel this. It is taxing - at least from the recent conversations I had with that 22 yr old. All he talked about was himself and was clueless. At that age, I have to think that some are probably more in the sex for satisfying themselves.

This, of course, made me feel good, even if I am not out in the dating world, it was comforting to know that there is still a market for middle-aged me for more than just security.

Yes. There definitely is.

@Maudlin, good to know. A coworker of mine just told me she met her husband on POF. So it's good to hear when things work out and not everyone on those sites are creepers. It's just been so long since I've been "on the market" and I really am SO busy that I wasn't sure where to begin.

@twicefooled - good for you lady! I'm still working on not letting my STBXWH not take anymore from me. He's been harassing me lately - really still trying to inflict emotional abuse via text now that he doesn't see me every day. I am about to put an end to that.

@20yrsagoBS - Thank you! I barely have time to deal with the grief my WH is still trying to put on me let alone spending actual time to get to know someone on another level. I just blocked him today, but I've got some things to figure out. NSA would be what I need while being in this nursing school program.

@totally dumb - I don't see this being a hard thing to find with men. But I do think a lot of females attach sex with emotion making it harder to be NSA. I know I can separate the two as I had before my married years and I am also goal oriented right now in not letting anything screw up my nursing school program for me. I worked too hard to get here to have it derailed. Another reason outside of the emotional abuse, cheating, lies, addiction, etc. of why I had to leave my WH when I did.

It's not something I see as wanting long-term or with multiple people even. I think I really need to get rid of some of this tension from this Summer. Maybe on some level it's psychological after all his deflecting of the shitty things he put me through and then making accusations has stirred something in me.

The problem is that a lot of women will lie about it, "down for NSA" when they really want and are hoping that NSA will turn into a relationship

And if that's the case, then their crying phone calls should not be taken personally. Their feelings are not your responsibility. Codependent no more!!

Go have your NSA sex that the other person says they want, and when they cry, move on with no guilt.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 2:31 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

It's not something I see as wanting long-term or with multiple people even. I think I really need to get rid of some of this tension from this Summer. Maybe on some level it's psychological after all his deflecting of the shitty things he put me through and then making accusations has stirred something in me.

For me, it is 100% me taking back something that was stolen and shat upon by the STBEW. Now that I've thrown those rose-tinted glasses into the garbage, I'm seeing exactly what she's done to me, and how meticulously and consciously she did it. She's been planning this and working towards it for damn near a decade, she just never had the (figurative) balls to actually blow it up until now, and I was clueless. I just ate it all up.

And now? Now? Now I want to take back what she took from me. I want to take back my confidence. i want to take back my sexuality. I want to take back my intimacy. I want to take back the joy I get in giving my partner pleasure. I want to take back the feeling of satisfaction I've had dangled over my head like a bully holding a stolen treat for years.

I want to feel wanted again, even if it's only for a moment. Maybe this isn't the healthiest way to go about it, but it sure sounds like a lot of fun, and it sounds like a great way to put a dagger into the end of this exceptionally fucked up summer, and this entire period of my life.

@RIO

there are tons of guys out there who aren't looking for that

I know! I just want to be safe in finding someone and not find myself in a bad situation. I didn't even have a smart phone in the years before I got married, let alone apps that allowed you to meet people in that way. I also don't want someone to catch feelings - hence why even if it were possible, I would not look within my circle of friends.

I feel like my WH has taken a lot from me. It goes beyond the cheating. Emotional abuse, damaging my self image (because he likes "fit girls", which now burns his ass so badly because I am). I became that woman 3 years ago, but it was never good enough ---until I left.

He did something a few months ago that I can't even speak of because it is just that horrific. Not something you would ever expect the person that claims to love you to do to you.

So at this point and after years of this kind of behavior from him and with everything I have going on, being busy in my nursing school program, I don't want strings with anyone. Emotionally, I am not there and probably won't be for a very long time.

I'm working on taking my power back. And I do not want to find myself in the same type of shit I just left (they say it can take 6 months to a year of processing to not wind up in the same type of relationship you just exited).

@puffstuff - I'm sorry that your wife did that, but I am glad you had that experience. Sometimes we get so stuck in what has happened and is happening to us, it's hard to see or believe that anyone will ever want us again. I know I've felt that way - like he used me up and took everything from me. Like I had nothing left to give.

The reality is, I had nothing left to give him. Now I'm trying to rebuild. Slow process. He just got blocked today because the harassment in messages I was receiving was off the chain. I was actually about to post a new thread about how to handle some of the things he's still trying to put me through.

I guess part of why I found myself posting this too is that I actually found myself feeling guilty when chatting with a man last week. It was just hours of back and forth texts (nothing sexual), but only being a month out, I felt like I was doing something wrong. And I know now, I shouldn't. My WH has been trying to keep his claws in me and grasping at straws weekly - and at times it wears on me.

He still tries to brow beat me into confessing to having someone else - or he says I left him for someone else. When in reality, his paranoia from his drinking has just taken over, in full effect. ALL SUMMER. I got these accusations all summer while I worked two jobs and prepared my credentials for my first semester as a nursing school student. It's crazy. And it's crazy that he's STILL doing it and we're separated! Like it hasn't clicked to him that he has no more control and it's over. And because he doesn't want to accept responsibility for his cheating and his actions (and constantly does the blame-shifting and gaslighting) - R was not ever going to work for us. Too many lies. No remorse. and he won't accept responsibility so he's trying to find something/anything to put this on me. But it doesn't exist.

(and no inbox messages here...)

@incarnate - be careful at the bars.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 3:08 PM, September 16th (Monday)]

@incarnate -

YES!

For me, it is 100% me taking back something that was stolen

You gotta take that power back!

I guess part of why I found myself posting this too is that I actually found myself feeling guilty when chatting with a man last week. It was just hours of back and forth texts (nothing sexual), but only being a month out, I felt like I was doing something wrong.

Cats, I'm thinking it might be too soon for even NSA sex for you. If it seems like you're vag has a life of its own, and is desperate for sex, you might just be ovulating. That has nothing to do with infidelity and taking power back. It's nature, and survival of the species. At 45, and all reproductive functions still functioning, I get batshit crazy horny a few days every month. And with the exception of the last couple of years of my marriage, and 2018, it has been that way since high school.

I didn't start dating or flirting or anything until that feeling of "I'm married guilt" was completely gone. And that took about a year and a half.

I know taking care of business yourself isn't as much fun, but certainly takes the edge off that primal caveman urge. And sometimes you might have to do it more than once, or twice, hahaa. Just be careful both physically and emotionally with this NSA sex idea. It may not just be the other guy who gets hurt after.

@WTB, I'm not interested in that guy I spoke to last week. It just made me feel good that someone wanted to talk to me. Definitely don't want to bang him for a number of reasons. I can detach. I won't get hurt. Not really thinking a guy that agrees to NSA would get hurt either.

I just have to get my WH claws out of me - and since his phone line has now been removed from my account I am about to ghost his ass completely. Having him sending me messages constantly once he starts them back up has not made this separation easy on me. It has weighed heavily, but I need to be NC. And now I am. When I am with someone, I am loyal to my core. Still having contact made me feel like I was waiting to see some kind of change that would never happen unless he commits himself to inpatient. And he's not going to do that.

I'm into my 2nd week of feeling this way, so I think it is more than just my body doing it's thing.

It would be too soon for a relationship.

I appreciate the concern. I'll be okay.

this is so odd to me. how can one have NSA sex? I couldn't have sex without a relationship. A deep one.

I mean but go for it... I just don't see myself there.

[This message edited by sewardak at 6:26 AM, September 17th (Tuesday)]