SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(crossposted)

To WornDown:

I do appreciate your feedback. I understand where you're coming from, and I can see where you would get that from my post here. I spoke to my therapist about exactly those concerns, that I'd be diving into something that would put me in the same place as I am in right now, etc. Her suggestion was that I make sure I keep it absolutely casual, open, and honest about what I am looking for and where I am. To pull out if I start feeling myself develop any deeper emotional connections, but that what she saw in the changes to my confidence and bearing were completely different to what she saw before I discovered the infidelity, and directly after the aftermath.

Of course, the primary thing we are dealing with is FOO trauma, so she is probably approaching it from that angle.

I... am going to go on this date. I am going to meet her face to face, and I'm gonna keep chatting with her, at least for now. I feel like this is something I need to do, and if I don't, I will regret it. But, again, I am making no expectations as to this being anything more than casual. I am excited for the experience, and I recognize the rebuilding of who I once was. This time, though, I am leaving the rose tinted glasses in the trash.

I do appreciate the 2x4, even though my instinct is to block it... it's the fencer in me. I was, after all, asking for advice, and I do appreciate you giving it to me.

I don't think that isolation and avoidance are things that I need right now, and neither does my therapist. But a controlled, casual, no expectations encounter with someone who is legitimately attracted to me, and I am legitimately attracted to, well, I think that has the potential to be very positive.

The disassociative effects from therapy have to do with the subject matter I was dealing with, which I won't get into here. I've hinted/stated it elsewhere, and I don't feel like elucidating right now.

I do appreciate your concern. I will keep my eyes open, and I will keep myself in check.

To WornDown:

Dude, this is a support forum. Saying nice things is the expectation here. Try to remember that.

Most of us have wayward spouses (or ex wayward spouses) if we want someone to criticize us.

Lighten up. Practice random acts of kindness. Pay it forward.

Dude, this is a support forum. Saying nice things is the expectation here. Try to remember that.

Most of us have wayward spouses (or ex wayward spouses) if we want someone to criticize us.

Lighten up. Practice random acts of kindness. Pay it forward.

Support doesn't mean blindly cheering on a person's every decision/statement. If you think the only things we should be telling people is that they are GREAT! and EVERYTHING YOU SAID IS PERFECT! you are really, really wrong, and don't understand what the meaning of a support group is.

Take that position and apply it to the Wayward forum. How would that work out? How many WS come in there and expect just that - getting support for justifying their cheating? Guess what? They get set straight pretty quick. But according to you they shouldn't be.

Sorry, but truth should be spoken, even if it isn't what the OP wants to hear.

Right now Incarnate is a month out from his D-day, and by his own admission, a mental basket case. But, hey, why not date? What could go wrong?

Sorry, but truth should be spoken, even if it isn't what the OP wants to hear.

I am not very good at spelling. Let's see... looking up the word on the internet. Oh yes.... it's spelled:

T

A

C

T

Consider using it in the future. Just a suggestion.

Right now Incarnate is a month out from his D-day, and by his own admission, a mental basket case. But, hey, why not date? What could go wrong?

^^^Word.

Well, I mean, to be fair, I said that the propranalol had gotten me off the roller coaster and I had hit a level. I think I'm just one basket, currently, not a whole case of them... >_>

Well, I mean, to be fair, I said that the propranalol had gotten me off the roller coaster and I had hit a level. I think I'm just one basket, currently, not a whole case of them...

To be honest, I wouldn't recommend that you meet anyone right now, even if it is to just get laid. You're a mess, one basket or a case of baskets... or anywhere in between. That is, I agree with Worndown, just not how he went about it.

I was just trying to say something nice to you by saying that you had a good day because you talked to a woman. You don't need a 2x4 though... you are already beat up as hell.

Before:

My reason for disagreeing with you:

We ended up chatting solid for six hours. LOTS of heavy flirting, lots of pic trading, and she showed me some of her more suggestive boudoir photography

Nice!

After:

To be honest, I wouldn't recommend that you meet anyone right now, even if it is to just get laid. You're a mess, one basket or a case of baskets... or anywhere in between. That is, I agree with Worndown, just not how he went about it.

The right thing said the wrong way... is not helpful and it can be very hurtful. As I said before:

T - A - C - T

@HHADL - It may be the first of the two. It didn't go away. My cycle is off though (28 days) - I'm never late and it's been 35 days. But still feel like it and I am not ovulating now.

I do take these feelings as a positive sign that my fuck-the-shit-out-of-someone button wasn't broken, it was just disabled when my body went into self-preservation mode because of my douchebag ex.

Man, me too. I know that I went into the same mode. Now seeing what he has become, a shell of a man, I'm glad I finally left. It's really disturbing that I lived in that for so long. That any of us have. But I have literally watched him transform into the man my dad was (who I don't even call that - but rather by his first name).

In fact I'm considering getting a new vibrator for that purpose - my old one shot craps about 2 years into my relationship with my XH and I just never got a new one. Of course it would be nice to have some human contact, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet.

I'm surprised mine hasn't. I have had the same one for a good part of my first marriage through this one in it's entirety and it still works. This fucking thing is like 9 years old. I am always waiting for it to shoot the crap on me, but it just keeps going!

Still not the same as a human's touch. Not even close.

This thread has taken a different life. That's okay though.

Incarnate, I guess I didn't realize your DDAY was so fresh - or close for you. I thought it had been years for some reason (maybe your main story).

You sound like you know better than to jump into something after experiencing this kind of pain - again. But please be careful. When we first meet someone, our endorphins get going and we can easily get swept up in something that may not be the best thing for us.

Who knows. Maybe she will be. Way too soon to tell. Anyway, I don't see a problem with enjoying someone's company rather than having to stew alone in the misery of what our WS did to us. I isolated myself for a long time in that home with him. And the places my mind went were not healthy. I should have left sooner. Still working on trying to un---isolate myself I did it for so long.

Hitachi Wand. Worth the $$$$$

LMFAOOO!! I'll second what Jana said.

CatsNTats, I get you, and I appreciate your feedback and caution. I'll be updating my Rose Amongst the Rocks thread shortly.

Hitachi Wand. Worth the $$$$$

My GF recommends the Crave Vesper.

I've always avoided toys. I've heard they work so well, that it becomes difficult to "get there" any other way. I've never had any issues "getting there"(except for a little bit just after getting off the bus. Jitters and stuff.), and I don't want to mess that up!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:36 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

I've always avoided toys. I've heard they work so well, that it becomes difficult to "get there" any other way.

Guys have the equivalent problem... the slang term is called death grip.

I don't know from experience of course. I have Zoloft for that.

WTB, yeah, toys work too well for me. It's like one minute and done. So I don't find them as exciting as some do. And yeah, I've heard that overuse of them can create that problem.

I hope I do not offend anyone.. but with the post being well over 2 weeks old now...

So?

Did you get off the bus, per sey?

inquiring minds wanna know.

For me . . . oh lawd TMI . . . it's difficult to get "there" during foreplay. So learning a new way to get off non-PIV and in a way that my partner can replicate - yahtzee. I use the wand about half the time when flying solo, paying attention to what works so he can replicate it later.