I wonder how a person could do this. You did this 7 years ago; you know the trauma it causes. The pain, the confusion, the self-doubt, all of it. You KNEW- and chose to do it again.
And now, you behave, with me, as if the affair isn't actually happening. When you leave the house to stay with her, you refer to it as "over there." You've never said her name to me, or even referred to her by a pronoun of any kind. You go "over there" or "out of the house," as if, if we don't refer to her out loud, its somehow less painful to me. I think this is you thinking you're somehow lessening my pain. I think you really believe this is you being kind to me. That, if I focus only on what was wrong with our marriage, OUR relationship, I won't think about the one you dove headfirst into *2 months* before deciding we were unsalvageable.
What an idiot you are.
From this point forward, I will remember your dumb, selfish decisions. I will focus on the *type* of person you have chosen to be; the thinking (or lack of it) that goes into making that decision in the first place. How ridiculous you are to think "this is a kindness." How socially stunted you are to think that I could somehow, someday, be friends with someone who has chosen THIS to be his life.
I'm choosing to no longer feel victimized by you. I'm choosing to pity you. *I* would NEVER have done this to you. Our marriage may have been a mess, *I* may have been a mess, *I* may have needed a swift kick in the backside to pull myself out of my rut, but it DIDN'T have to be this. MY rut is over. Yours is just beginning.
I pity you. You are pathetic to think that this situation will somehow make you happy. To think that you'll be able, once you come out of this fog of unicorns and rainbows, to look yourself in the mirror and see someone you can respect. You know you've done the wrong thing, that all you're doing now is trying to justify it in your head, that all you're looking for is to be happy, that it wasn't possible with me, that it is possible with "over there." You're a joke. An embarrassment. Go ahead and fuck her, play board games with her. Get all the tattoos you want (was I ever stopping you from that? No, I encouraged it, dumbass). Go bowling (also never stopped that). Do all those things you think you couldn't do with me (all *I* wanted to do was budget for them, 'cause who needs to make sure we have money to buy the kids clothes or food???). You will *still* not be satisfied.
Because, at the end of the day, when you lay next to "over there" and strap on your CPAP, you still have to think about the choices you made, and try and live with them.
You still have to live with knowing the damage you caused the first time, and that you chose to do it again, to the mother of your children. Not a stranger. The woman you promised your heart and life to.
Go ahead and keep making shitty spending decisions- only, there won't be someone around to keep an eye on the budget anymore. Go ahead and go back to the days when you had NO idea where your money went, or even IF the bills got paid. It worked out SO well for you back then (remember the repo'd VW? The motorcycles you bought and then had to sell within a year? The foreclosed house? The money borrowed multiple times from your parents? The shrieking anxiety from all those idiotic purchases we couldn't afford?). I'm sure you'll be fine.
Stay in that land of rainbows and unicorns, while I'm CHOOSING to be the grown up- make sure the kids are fed, clothed, teeth brushed, curls combed, homework done, laundry and dishes done, garbage out, floor vacuumed, bills paid...Just show up to make them dinner and read them a book a couple times a week, mow the lawn a couple times a month. I'm sure you're doing YOUR part just making the money to pay the bills. Your role and responsibility is TOTALLY filled.
There will come a time when I look at you and feel nothing but indifference. I'm not there yet. There are still times where I miss you, but its getting more and more because I miss someone I have things in common with, and less YOU individually. There are times where I'm scared about the future, but only because I'm going to be financially dependent on you until I graduate and I worry about the kids and rent and the car payments being made, NOT because I won't be with you anymore. There are times where I'm sad because I won't be married anymore, but its because I don't particularly want to be without love and affection and companionship as I get older, NOT because I'm going to miss your version of those things.
I don't particularly want to be alone, but I'm very close to the point that I damn sure don't want to be with YOU.
I'm close to indifference, but in the meantime.....FUCK YOU.
(PS: This was VERY cathartic and necessary this morning, I may do this again)