I put a var in his car today and not sure if I should have?

Please forgive me if this seems a bit of a shambles. It’s been 3 years since D-Day, and finding out about the other woman he was seeing when we first started seeing each other. I thought I had married my soul mate, after my ex husband cheating on me, and it would be my happy ever after. It was soul crushing.

Since then, I’ve spent the last 3 years working on myself and my ability to trust anyone, let alone my husband. I’m tired of it, so bloody tired. During Covid it was easier to manage, we both worked from home, I always knew where he was etc.

The last 12 months have been hell though. I keep finding things that are just wrong if you are in a loving commuted relationship. Private messages on SM commenting on a woman’s breast or bottom. An OF account. Suddenly non stop talking about a new woman at work. Disappearing messages set up on messenger. I found all these things when trying to quiet the fear, and it just amplifies it.

After a disastrous MC session last year and being told my betrayal trauma was ‘my issue’, and I needed to work on it myself, I can’t talk to him about any of these things. I physically choke when trying to bring it up. As such, my anxiety is through the roof and I’m struggling to function.

I had toyed with the idea of hiring a private detective as I refuse to put myself through what I went through with my ex husband, but the MC has put doubts in my head of measuring what I find acceptable.

So today, I put a VAR in his car. I was physically shaking, and have been anxious all day about it. I’m concerned for 2 things.
1. I find out he is cheating.
2. He finds it, and there’s nothing to it and I’ve just stuffed up my relationship.

Everyone seems to think that if I’m at the point of considering these things, to just leave, but I wonder how much of my ‘betrayal trauma’ is at play. I don’t trust anything. I need actual evidence to believe what I’m seeing/hearing/feeling. How do I stop this? I’m feel caught, and alone.

21 comments posted: Thursday, April 11th, 2024

How do you continue to act normal?

He’s started using snap chat again. After I verbalised that I feel forgotten and disregarded because he didn’t call me after returning to his hotel after a dinner at a conference interstate.

I found out 3 years ago about someone he had been seeing whilst seeing me in the early days. I’d just married him and moved my kids in with him. We’d done the work, or so I thought. He smashed my trust to pieces by not calling me. I thought he understood what I needed. We’ve covered it enough times. When someone says explicitly ‘I need to know you remember I exist’ when I am away from you.

Which brings me to this- I know where this path leads, but I also know I need to get my ducks in a row. I need to be able to leave with a financial safety net in place, which I don’t have at the moment. Im in a tenuous place at work due to a recent takeover and still have 4 children I need to provide for. I need to maintain a status quo so that I can leave the way I want to.

How do I act normal when I’m crumbling inside? How do I not lash out? How do I not turn into an unhinged lunatic playing the pick me game like I did with my first husband because I was so worried about the future. These little people depend on me.

8 comments posted: Friday, July 28th, 2023

Dealing with the insecurity of a new relationship

Hoping to hear of some strategies of dealing with the insecurity of being burned, twice and new relationships. I don’t know if the current quarantine situation in Australia has heightened things for me, or if it’s my past relationship traumas causing this, but how do you let yourself trust again?

Current situation- I’ve fallen in love with someone I’ve known for a long, long time. We were friends as teenagers, and worked together. Dating for the last six months, and our kids have only recently met and get along well. Everything has been a positive.

Due to the quarantine restrictions and having to homeschool our kids, we’ve been spending a lot of time together, he’s basically stayed at my place for the last two weeks. Now that we’ve both returned to work and his sons at his mothers again, he told me yesterday that tonight he’s planning on going to his place and staying there to get some work done, without the distractions of me or the kids. I’m fine with this.

However, I’ve spent most of the day trying to stamp on the thoughts that he’s cheating on me, and he’s planned a hook up for tonight... he has given me absolutely no reason to even suspect this, no gut feelings, no red flags. I’m wondering if it’s because we have spent so much time together recently and if It has become my new normal to have him around, and I’m going to miss him that’s making me this way. I also dont want to self sabotage myself by letting these thoughts get the better of me, and I become irrational. I can’t expect him to make up for the sins of others, and I’m actively working on this with my therapist, but I can’t see her at the moment, due to COVID-19.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated, and thanks for reading if you have made it this far.

9 comments posted: Tuesday, April 21st, 2020

Can anyone help with fb profiles???

I’m just hoping someone not connected to me via fb can do a profile search for me... almost certain he has just started a new profile because of the lack of activity on his current one... would also mean a new messenger account. Im in Australia so not sure how accurate it will be

13 comments posted: Tuesday, February 12th, 2019

Recovering deleted fb messages???

I have access to his messages and I know there are things being deleted- are they able to be recovered?

Apologies... newbie here.

3 comments posted: Friday, January 25th, 2019