The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is write to you here instead of directly text you. 9 months ago today, you walked into our bathroom while I Was in the tub- probably one of my most safe comforting places in the world- since my cancer treatment at 18- and you told me”we ARE getting divorced” after I yelled at you over using all of the ham we bought for work parties a few days before.
You spent the next few weeks verbally abusing and berating me, taking pot shots at everything from my parenting to what you perceived as my shortcomings as your wife- most of these I had never heard in our 18 years together.
You threatened me, you scared me- when I knew there was more going on, you lied to my face and denied there was any other woman involved. When I found your text messsages on March 25th- home alone, I drove to my mother’s house and threw myself on her floor screaming in agony. You told some woman from our dental office that you loved her after knowing her for 8 days. and you told her she was your dream girl.
18 years ago, you told me the same thing. You always told me I was your dream girl. I realized it never meant a thing.
You sent me to Iowa alone, with our son after confessing your affair to him and lying further about it to me- to tell our daughter. Alone with our 13 year old son. While you stayed home and rented a hotel room with our dental hygenist and fucked her for the first time.
I remember the first time I met you, and later you came back in looking for me. I was so hesitant to let you in. I was so afraid to love you and I was terrified to allow my 5 yo baby girl to meet you, much less love you. I told my my girlfriends all my fears- and Donna and Regan both told me “ you deserve this so much, stop fighting it, just love him, and let him love you” and I did.
This year was supposed to be our 15 year wedding anniversary, Our daughter, yes, our daughter- who we raised together for the past 18 years- graduated from college this Spring, she didn’t want you there as she was also disgusted with your behavior towards me and the decisions you made that devalued our marriage and my position as your wife. I know you were hurt, and you need to know I was devastated by your decision to stay home and spend those nights with her- now no longer sneaking around getting it in on in her car
In the Walmart parking lot or behind the movie theater during her lunch break, but at the house you helped move her in to. The house where you started to leave personal items; our ladder, your badge, your pillow- and during the daylight hours you continued to call me crazy, an abusive mom, that my daughter was afraid of me, that you had wanted to divorce me for years.
You lied to your family and friends about me, you rewrote our marital history. You fell asleep while I wept in bed next to you and made comments like “ I already told you I was sorry” and “ when do you stop punishing me, and start forgiving me? that’s the only reason you’re doing this- is because you want to punish me!”
I told you I would rather have cancer again then have to go through this pain, and I still stand by that.
I had no idea what kind of pain and agony could come from the dishonesty and betrayal by the one person in the world that I let down all of my walls for. I gave you open access to all of me, because I trusted you, and I believed you.
You layed next to me in our bed while I wept over how you didn’t just betray our marital vows by having sex with her. You gave me away. You told her everything about me- and then added in your lies to make what you were doing feel OK. You told her my life stories and my secrets, my most rewarding moments at work that I ran home to tell you and my most shameful experiences that I I confessed to only you because I knew you would still love me despite my glaring faults. You simply gave me away.
But you treated me like I had done something wrong. You sneered at me, on our anniversary “just be glad it wasn’t 30 years”. And finally “mylife got off track the day I married you.”
One false reconciliation, you didn’t care at all. I was hardly surprised in the end of August when you gave up again and insisted you want to divorce.
I couldn’t live with myself if I were you either.
I know you hate yourself, not that you will ever admit it. I already know. It’s really worthless now, but I probably know you better that anyone in this world- and I know that you hate being this man, you are just too lazy to fix it now. You think it is going to be easier to finish this and move on.
Losing me is the biggest mistake you will ever make. No one will ever love you the way I loved you- and you threw me away. I’ve been really sad and lonely for 9 months, but I’m done now. You can have your divorce, I haven’t been your wife in 9 months anyway- you ended our marriage on March 2nd, the day you lied to me and started planning your cheap nasty affair with Dawn.
You deserve each other. The rest of my life, I’ll make sure your son knows how NOT to be the kind of father and husband that his own dad became.