We were married for 13.5 years and together for 15 years. In all that time you have lied to me.
You lied to me about your teenage years, your trauma, and your relationships. You lied to me then and even now I doubt I am getting the full story. The only reason I am getting anything now is because I found out from other sources.
In the beginning we were good, but it was just the honeymoon phase. After that ended, you realized you wanted to be away. Instead of opening up and talking it out or even just leaving then, you stayed and lied and lied.
I caught you having an EA 12 years ago. I didn't know it had a name, but I talked to you about it, but you ignored me and pushed past until I myself had to put an end to it. It should have been your decision, yes... but you ran over my opinions and feelings on the matter. I forgot about it, you didn't.
You mentioned now that a few years after that you wanted to leave again. You said it was while I was in the hospital. Maybe its a lie to hurt me, I don't know... but looking back, I was in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt. So if there is any truth to wanting to leave then... well, if you don't see the twisted disgusting perversion of that situation, then I don't think you ever will.
Yes, I was emotionally unavailable and I shouldn't have been, but I was also learning I had Bi-Polar and I had no idea how to handle it. I understand you had no idea either, but instead of weathering the storm together, you wanted to run. In fact, I am not convinced you didn't.
In all of this I learned to open up and be available emotionally and ask for emotional help, but you didn't. You retreated from me. I gave you your space and let you tear down all my boundaries because I felt I owed it to you for going through my mental illness with me. But that was unhealthy and you didn't truly go through it with me. I look back and you always passed me off on my family and friends. You were there physically, but not emotionally. Through the years when I asked you not to go out or to work because I felt unsafe, you would either call a friend or stay in the house but go off and watch TV. I felt so alone and unwanted.
As time went on you complained about everything. The house wasn't good enough, the cars weren't exactly what you wanted, you didn't have enough animals or kids or the food you wanted or the clothes you wanted. I overloaded and got so down I literally gave up and became disabled. Nothing I did was good enough. Even my friends noticed. I was in denial at the time, but they would talk to me about it and worried that I just let you walk all over me.
You didn't like my friends because they were honest and forthcoming about their feelings and you didn't like to be judged or told what you liked was morally wrong. Then you found the friends you liked... adulterers. I brought this up but was shot down repeatedly. You would never do such a thing because you loved me.
Years went by of this, and eventually you started complaining about my looks. I was too hairy, I should have a beard, my hairstyle was not what you liked, I should dye my hair, I should work out and get washboard abs. But when I wanted to talk about it, you said I was perfect the way I was and you loved me.
I wanted to put up marital boundaries, but I would get stonewalled and you used gaslighting and I walked away feeling confused and worried.
Eventually I started to only half ass trying. I stopped confronting you knowing it would lead nowhere. I would still voice my opinions on things, but I would be told I need to trust you and my problems were mine not yours. You told me I had no right to know what was going on in your life, that its your private life and you can hide it from me if you want. WRONG!!!
I tried everything until only sex was left between us. You would give me your body, but I wanted your heart and soul... but you never gave them to me.
Then one day you said you were unhappy. You wanted to talk to a therapist first, and in my anxious mind (I knew what you were up to) I pushed. You always had the choice to leave it, but you wanted justification and said I "forced" you to open up. I have yet to find another person besides your and your BFF that thinks I forced anything: therapists, friends, family... anyone.
I did some digging and confirmed you were after sex, but you denied and denied. Your story changed a few times these last few months, but I am going with the evidence and your actions. You wanted sex, to hide it and keep me on the line for money and stability. If not for my best friend, I would have fallen for it and given you everything you wanted and even allowed you to sleep around without me knowing.
7 guys in less than that many weeks, and who know how many more now and yet no matter what I say I always end up apologizing. You tell me you apologize all the time and yet you haven't.
You got me to agree to no Child Support or any consequences at all really. Whatever, I am done fighting you. Life will catch up eventually, so enjoy your life.
You are a horrible, cruel, manipulative, lying cheating sorry excuse for a human being and you found similar animals.
I am free of you.