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Dear WW,

I hate you. That is better than the love struck and completely blind asshole I was 2 weeks ago.

I have no idea why I wanted to try and reconcile, especially knowing what you have done and allowed to be done to your body. You have no shame, self-respect, or restrain. You are proud of the monster you have become, the pain you have caused and the lies you have told.

Today whrn I had to meet you for the children you talked as if everything was OK. How do you explain yourself to your new boyfriend? How? Oh wait, you lied to me for 15 years and are proud of who you are, so I shouldn't be surprised you are willing to lie to him too.

You wear your smut as a badge of honor just like your friends do. Congratulations, you became everything you said you were not, but you are proud of it anyway.

I am angry, but I kept my cool and barely said anything. It will catch up to you eventually.

Dear WW,

A month ago I asked how you were hurt. Your reply? Because the future we planned together is no longer possible.

...

...

...

HOW IS THIS MY FAULT!?!?!?! Instead of talking through our problems you threw yourself into bed with as many guys as possible.

So again, how is that my fault? YOU destroyed our future! YOU!

You said you weren't leaving to be with other people... 6 hookups and 2 relationships in less than 4 months... what was that again?!?

You are a liar, cheater and manipulator. Good luck!

Argh... ‘I should see the boys more’.... I I flipping I! That’s all you’ve thought about for a whole bloody year. You’re incapable of taking stock of the damage you have done to your family, incapable of regret and most certainly remorse, incapable of protecting and caring for two such small boys. In the past you’ve said sorry but it has never meant anything. Now you don’t even bother because you know I won’t buy it.

You should be there protecting, loving, raising your beautiful boys.

But you’re not because getting your next fix of her, trumps everything... it actually makes me feel nauseous. You make me nauseous.

But you should have more time with the boys... NO you don’t deserve the time you have with them fuck face!!!

I know this is the right thing to do, so why can't I sleep.

Can y’all stop playing the victim for like 5 minutes?! The apple didn’t fall far enough from your diseased tree, and bears the same rot from whence it came. I know soooo much, and he’s fooling all of you. Has he even told you why shit is going the way it is? Probably not; lying is his thing you know, said so yourself. Don’t blame me for your heartbreak... blame your seed’s recklessness.

Y’all are now bearing the consequences for you and his shitty, deceptive actions. Your side is having to reap what y’all have sown. Yet, you act like I’m so mean b/c I don’t trust you... well no shit! I caught you and him in cahoots, finding y’all in some major lies about DS and his future, so no shit I don’t trust you. I can’t trust that y’all will ever have DS best interest at heart, even if there is an order in place that’s designed to protect DS in the interim. I know your conniving, manipulative behavior too well.

I’m so tired of this family curse.

I just found out about the night you spent with her during the height of your “I love you! I’m a changed man!” phase. Despite you saying there were no more lies. You disgust me and I hope your dick falls off.

No matter what happens, know this:. I left you. It cost me a very comfortable lifestyle and half the time with my children, and I STILL left you. It is worth it. THAT is how disgusting you are.

That is why you are alone. That is why most of your family doesn't talk to you. That is why folks around town, and our/now my friends hate you. It is because you are an asshole.

And you look like an ape. Your swollen head disgusts me. What the fuck are you doing to yourself...?

What fucking part of you thought giving the children lanyards displaying your place of work was a good idea!!!! You do realise that that was where you met her, where you called me from while she waited outside, where you had your little secret meetings in the canteen and talked of your twu luv and how you’d screw over your kids and wife again to be back with her the place you fucked her repeatedly in a fucking toilet cubicle while talking about respectfully telling the wife. My little boys love those fucking lanyards and I HATE them... they are a constant reminder of how you have treated us!!! I’ll have to find a way of sticking them in the rubbish where you and anything you related should be dumped!!!

Fuck face!!!

Dear STBXWW,

I know you are a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. The image I had of you being this loving and great wife is gone, but even so I can't believe you lowered yourself to calling me a rapist just to justify your actions. There is no word or words that can properly describe the depths of your rottenness.

How I ever loved you is beyond me...

PS. You couldn't open your mouth to talk to me but you had no problems opening your mouth for a bunch of dicks.

You are a cruel, horrible, despicable monster.

[This message edited by AlphaSilvr at 10:24 AM, October 6th (Saturday)]

That was the last time you lied to me. It's over. IHS isn't going to be easy but I'll find the strength. Because I'm worth more than lies and gas lighting and broken vows and broken agreements.

You lost me tonight.

I pray I'll be strong enough to keep the hard 180.

My heart isn't as broken as I thought it would be. More numb than anything else.

I'm going to thrive once I'm truly rid of your constant undermining.

I'd rather be alone than deal with the constantly not knowing if you're actually telling the truth. I'm worth truth and honesty.

Argh...

You’re just such a slimy moron aren’t you... texting the boys ‘be good, be kind, have fun’ what!?!? Yes you’re setting a fine example of how to be a good person aren’t you! Betraying your children for someone who actually gets fed ego kibbles from their pain!!!! Watching our boy cry and beg you not to leave us again!!! You’re father of the fucking year aren’t you?!

You honestly make me want to puke!!!

How dare you play this card... you utter utter prat!!

You really have no grip on reality...

Dear STBXWW,

I am sitting here in pain again, pain you caused. Do you care? No, you may even be glad you caused it.

A lot has been revealed and a lot keeps getting revealed. Not only are you a monster, but your family is completely messed up. The laughable part is that your entire family thinks hiding things makes it go away or diminishes what happened. Secrets and lies are coming out into the light and its starting to show who you really are.

I talked to the XW of your brother... she had no idea he is a possible pedophile until after their divorce. Even now he tries to exhibit control, manipulation and pressure on her. I guess I can look forward to the same type of treatment.

I may have been a doormat for you for years, but I am not defeated... I am not destroyed. I may have questions of "Why" or "How" but I am still standing. You said you HAD to destroy me. You took a certain pleasure in this. My mind may try to see you how I have seen you for our entire marriage, but that image doesn't last long. I see you for the monster you are. I feel the pain and the anger and the sorrow of your betrayal, but they have not destroyed me.

In 5 days our divorce is final. I thought I could never live without you, in fact you used to tell me, "What would you do without me?" But here I am. I am weeping but I am standing back up. I am in pain but I am moving.

For years you were my best friend, but I was merely convenient for you, a plaything for you to use and destroy once I served no more purpose. Your betrayal has done the most damage, but you are not the first betrayal I have faced. You knew this and promised you wouldn't be like those people, that you would be with me through thick and thin, but you proved to be the worst betrayer of them all.

You are happy with who you are, I now understand what that means.

I hope you find what you deserve.

[This message edited by AlphaSilvr at 7:40 PM, October 18th (Thursday)]

Dear STBXWW,

I will not forgive you, and I regret telling you thay I did. I regret a great many things.

I don't regret being human with flawed emotions, personal opinions and feelings. You and your friends say I am controlling and selfish, but I never once made you do anything, but I did tell you my opinion or how I felt about something. I told you how your actions made me feel, how you hiding things from me and lying made me feel, how your inappropriate relationships were hurting me but you didn't care. You wanted privacy and space to leave and fuck as many guys as you could while using me. I may have allowed you to walk all over me and bash through my boundaries but that doesn't mean I was stupid.

Your actions have rarely matched with your words. I have failed to, but you have made a pattern of selfishness and broken promises.

I am lonely. I wanted a marriage and I ended up with someone that can't be happy.

I don't forgive you, not for cheating, not for the lies and not for the betrayal. I do NOT forgive you.

I DO let you go. You will not hurt me anymore.

Goodbye.

[This message edited by AlphaSilvr at 11:52 AM, October 21st (Sunday)]

We’re doing ok! We’re on holiday. Your biggest boy is cycling around the park like a loon. We cycle alongside each other laughing and giggling with your littlest in the back in a trailer... moaning mostly hahaha! We got up this morning in the dark... went and bought pastries... they loved every minute. They felt naughty and sneaky. We’re going to have a fabulous day swimming, cycling, playing, loving... and you’re not here.

And it’s your birthday.

We booked this months ago. I was so excited because it would be your birthday when we were here. I had such a brilliant day planned in my head. But you were already more excited by her fake tits and blatant narcissism. You had already gone. The simplicity, generosity, beauty, content of your little family was not enough for you.

I know you’ll sit there and feel sorry for yourself but then you’ll compartmentalise tell yourself this is good for all of us and head over to hers for mutual kibbles. If you’re not there already.

But cheater of mine ‘we’re doing ok, we’re more than doing ok, we’re happy inspite of what you and her have done to us’.

Happy Birthday!

It feels so good to tell you “No” after all these years. No, you can’t control me. No, you don’t get to occupy my headspace 24/7. It’s DS & mommy; your needs no longer register on my spectrum of damns.

Wish I could share this joy, but you’d just find a way to cut me down, and make it all about you. Feels so good to be able to go to the store when I want, to let DS watch his kids shows instead of Football on Sunday, to cook whatever I want (even if it’s “rabbit food”), to cuddle DS without your jealous commentary. It’s so rewarding to get to go out and do something for a change! We never went anywhere the last few years, as we were either too broke or I was excluded from your Monday Funday activities. DS and I have gotten to go out of town, try new cuisine, watch movies you disliked, and have experiences that you would have balked at.

You’re walking around like the victim, but I, the real victim of your actions, can finally laugh again. I can smile and feel happy. I’m singing in the car again!!! I’m really loving life for the first time in years. Sure, there has been some things I’ve had to give up, but in hindsight I would do it all over again if it means I get to leave you in the past.

Goodbye STBXH, good luck out there.

P.S. You were never my “best friend.” I had to force that phrase out every time I said it. I tried to mean it, really did, but I knew it was a lie every time I uttered it. My best friend broke my heart, and I his, 7 years ago. You were a friend, a lover, but never a “best.”

I’ve held that in for so long, feels good to get that out there. The truth has set me free.

And now, fool, you realize that you weren't in love. You were, in your words, "an addict or an alcoholic." Yuuuup! How many times were you told that? How many years did I know that? Two years and by then I was done.

But it's too late, too late, too laaaaate for love!

Dear STBXWW,

Here we are 4 days past when our D should have been final, but nope, you turned in your papers at the last minute so we are delayed. For someone that really wanted the D you have done absolutely as little as possible to get it rolling (outside of the massive amounts of sex partners you have been with). You wanted the D, but I ended being that one that did the filing. At the end you had two responsibilities: Sign and File the Agreement Papers, take the court mandated class. You had 2 months to do so and you did neither.

On top of all of that, you were to set up the appointment with the SSA to change our boy's payee to me... that was our agreement. That was months ago and you still haven't set up the appointment despite me having to nag you repeatedly. But it means you don't have control of their money so you are dragging your feet. It doesn't benefit you so you don't care.

Our entire marriage has been about you. I treated you like a queen (you know, like your dating profile says you want to be treated) but you treated me like the fool (and I was). You say I was selfish and unmovable and inconsiderate of your opinion. Guess what? Its hard to empathize or be considerate of someone's opinion when they refuse to talk to you or state what their opinion is. Instead you either didn't talk at all or just agreed with me, so shame on me for thinking we were on the same page... by the way, I can't read minds. What's really funny is that your brother acts the exact same way.

I was selfish on a few things, but on many of the things you consider to be selfish was me trying to establish boundaries, not only for me but also our marriage. I used to have boundaries but you tore them down repeatedly, but I was finally starting to see that I needed them and was working on them... you hated that and your BBF agreed.

I was unmovable because I do my research into things. Prove me wrong and I will move... but then again that actually happened a lot, you just focus on the few times I was truly inconsiderate, upset, or selfish. I am human, it happens and I try to work on my faults. It doesn't matter to you, though. You can't remember a promise you made to me less than a week ago but you still resent me for something that happened 12 years ago. Figure that one out.

I was toxic for you because I was trying to grow and be true to myself which means I had my own opinions, likes, dislikes and had no problems talking about things that bothered me.

You were toxic for me because you couldn't stand that I wasn't 100% about you (I was only 98%), you hated that made mistakes, you hated that I couldn't provide you with everything your heart desires (good luck with that, by the way), you can never be happy, you are critical, you gossip, and you are an extremely negative person.

You have been through 9 guys (that I know of) in 4 months, still think you are loyal, honest and healthy. You may not be a narcissist, but you are one of the most vile, disgusting, disturbing, negative individuals I have never known. How I loved you... wait, I do know. I loved the image of you that you sold to me 16 years ago. I clung to that image and you used that love against me, saying I was smothering you and not allowing you to be the person you really are. You used me and tossed me aside, all while telling me you care, love and adore me.

You are disgusting. I am no angel nor blameless, I accept my faults and try to work on them. You embrace your faults and wear them as a badge of honor, something to be worshiped and adored for all time.

I can't wait for the D to be final.

In the words of Jayne Cobb, "I married me a powerful ugly creature."

I get jealous when you get shiny new things that I can’t afford. It would be nice to get something newer or bigger, to eat out, or buy something fun or cute just for me. It makes me feel bad because, I can’t justify the non essential small or big purchases. You keep spending with abandon while I scrimp and save to keep DS healthy, fed and clothed. It almost seems like this D isn’t impacting you.

Then, in these moments of envy, I have to take a breath & remember that you had to do x,y, & z because you didn’t take care of yourself or what you had. You didn’t invest the time and money to fix it. You never saved for a rainy day. You never took the time to “adult,” and relied on me to mother you. You just ignored the problem or complained about your lot in life. You did nothing proactive to learn or address things before they got worse. And then, envy turns to pity, and I reflect on what I do have. It may not be much, but DS & I have what we need. I have clothes, food, shelter, a way to get to work. He has the above and toys, entertainment. He has access to education. A loving family. I’m working to get out of debt. I pay bills on time or early. I’m not taking on additional financial responsibilities. I’m doing all the things I can to survive and thrive.

I hope you can too. Praying for you, really hope you can come out better on the other side & make it on your own.

[This message edited by CurseBreaker at 11:24 AM, October 28th (Sunday)]

Rob,

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is write to you here instead of directly text you. 9 months ago today, you walked into our bathroom while. Was in the tub- probably one of my most safe comforting places in the world- since my cancer treatment at 18- and you told me”we ARE getting divorced” after I yelled at you over using all of the ham we bought for work parties a few days before.

You spent the next few weeks verbally abusing and berating me, taking pot shots at everything from my parenting to what you perceived as my shortcomings as your wife- most of these I had never heard in our 18 years together.

You threatened me, you scared me- when I knew there wa# more going on, you lied to my face and denied there was any other woman involved. When I found your text messsages on March 25th- home alone, I drove to my mother’s house and threw myself ion her floor screaming in agony. You told her that you loved her and you to,d her she was your dream girl.

18 years ago, you told me the same thing.

You sen5 me to Iowa alone, but with our son after confessing your affair to him and lyin* further about it to me- to tell our daughter. Alone with our 13 yea4 old son. Whil3 you stayed home and rented a hotel room with our dental hygenist and fucked her for the first time.

I was so hesitant to let you in. I was so afraid to love you and I was terrified to allow my 5 yo baby girl to meet you, much less love you. I told my my girlfriends all my fears- and Donna and Regan both told me “ you deserve this so much, stop fighting it, just love him, and let him love you” and I did.

This year was supposed to be our 15 year wedding anniversary, Our daughter, yes, our daughter- who we raised together for the past 18 years- graduated from college this Spring, she didn’t want you there as she was also disgusted but your behavior towards me and the decisions you made that devalued our marriage and my position as your wife. I know you were hurt, and you need to know I was devastated by your decision to stay home and spend those nights with her- now no longe4 sneak8ng around getting it in on in her car

In the Walmart parking lot or behind the movie theater during her lunch break, but at the house you helped move her in to. The house where you started to leave personal items; our ladder, your badge, your pillow- and during the daylight hours you continued to call me crazy, an abusive mom, that my daughter was afraid of me, that you had wanted to divorce me for years.

You lied to your family and friends about me, you rewrote our marital history. You fell asleep while I wept in bed next to you and made comments like “ I already told you I was sorry” and “ when to you stop punishing me, that’s the only reason you’re doing this”.

I told you I would rather have cancer again then have to go through this pain, and I still stand by that.

I had no idea what kind of pain and agony could come from the dishonesty and betrayal by the one person in the world that I let down all of my walls for. I gave you open access to all of me, because I trusted you, and I believed you.

You layer next to me while I wept over how you didn’t just betray our marital vows by having sex with her. You gave me away. You told her everything about me- and then added in your lies to make what you were doing feel OK. You told her my life stories and my secrets, my moments that I ran home to tell you and my most shameful e periences t