It has been nine weeks or so. I still cry alot more than I want to admit. You are still the first and last thought in my head every single day. I still look at the phone and will it to light up with a voicemail or text from you, but I know it won't.
Every time I had to leave for a work trip I cried. You got annoyed by it. I would cry and tell you that I was trying to memorize your face, the touch of your hand. I have always hated being away from you.
I cannot reconcile my best friend who I've known for 28 years with this person who dumped me over the phone, betrayed me, and has been completely ghosting me since May 13th.
I know you think I deserve this pain. I know you will never forgive me for talking to OW, for telling her so many of your deep dark secrets. I know you won't forgive me for talking to two of your ex girlfriends, for finding out from THEM some deep dark secrets that I never knew about you, including that you physically assaulted one woman, by dragging her into your yard by her hair, just to keep her from finding out that you had another woman in your bed.
For a long time, I knew I was losing you, that your attraction to me was waning. I could tell from your short temper with me, from a disgusted look you gave me (and thought I didn't see) one night as I crawled into bed), from the way you have badmouthed me to your friends and family, the way you have told lies in order to make yourself look good at my expense. Now those people won't speak to me, so I have lost them too.
But really, in 2015, you did this same thing. You found someone else you were attracted to, so you picked a fight with me and sent me away to my mom's house so you could (secretly) pursue the OW. In your mind, we were broken up, so you weren't cheating. You finally came back, because the OW didn't want you as it turns out. At the time, being with me was better than being alone.
Eventually, though, you got tired of me not being at your beck and call 24/7 (due to work, money I was earning for OUR future), and the weight I was struggling to lose just caused you to 'hit a wall.' You said you'd been unhappy for a long time, but lo and behold, just like in 2015, you'd found another girl you were attracted to who you thought might take your bait. So you dumped me. Over the phone. Filed for divorce. Lied to me. Said you weren't seeing anybody, and wouldn't be seeing anybody for a long time.
You didn't think I'd find out about her, or that I'd have the nerve to talk to the other ones from your past. Because I did, you have shut down all avenues of communication with me, and I am totally alone. Struggling with pulmonary fibrosis, struggling to work and pay off medical bills, with sudden, absolute clarity that, after all these years of loving you so much - I was only ever a back-up plan for YOU.
You hate being called a cheater and a liar. You told me that you've cut people out of your life for calling you a liar. But the reality is, that's what you are. Instead of apologizing to me, you cursed me out and wrote me off. It's easier for you, I guess, to erase a person than to admit to them - and yourself -that they were right about you.
You're my husband, and yet I have no idea where you are tonight, or who you are with. But I know you won't stay alone. You aren't capable of it. I know you took OW on the date night that you planned for me recently, which was going to be a celebration of my birthday that is happening this week.
It's literally like I don't exist anymore. I want so much to focus on the bad things you've done and said, but at night especially I keep remembering the times when it felt like you sincerely loved me. And it hurts so much that I don't even want to be alive anymore. I still miss you