Newest Member: Jokeisonme

NorCalLost

DDay 4/23/18. Second WH. Second divorce.

The Damage is Profound and Permanent, But Have to Forge Ahead

I am not sure whether this post belongs in the New Beginnings forum or elsewhere, but this is my first post in New Beginnings, and I send out love and hugs to those of you who, like me, are forging ahead down a path that was thrown in front of us by the ones who betrayed us.

It's hard to believe that my most recent DDay was two years ago this coming April. After one last volatile phone conversation in September 2018 and one last email from me to him in February 2019, there has been no contact between us of any kind.

Once I exposed him (to his first OW, to relatives of the person he's now with, and to two of his exes who'd reached out to me after hearing he'd left me), he immediately blocked me on social media and I eventually returned the favor. It is surreal to have no contact where once you were married to someone you wanted to believe was your best friend and love of your life. I literally had a life mate one day, and no one the very next. It has been a shock to my system.

I haven't dated. My new beginning has been to try and restore my physical health and financial stability. I had a lung disease diagnosed in 2015, right as my cheating ex decided he wanted to pursue someone behind my back, and used my work travel as a means of ghosting me for two full months. I wish I had had the self-respect to divorce HIM when that happened. He was showing me how little he cared about me, or me being sick, and still I pathetically begged him to come back. And the only reason he did is because the OW didn't want him, and HE didn't want to be alone. I was better than nothing.

I have taken up hiking and gotten back down to my fighting weight, which I'm so proud of because one of the 'reasons' my ex gave when he dumped me over the phone for the last time was my slow weight loss. He always wanted us to be the 'sexy couple' in his circle. I let him down and he was ashamed of me. Now I weigh less than I did when he met me in 1990.

While many people in his family and circle have abandoned me by default, believing his lies that he is the victim of a phone and computer hacking jealous wife, I remain friendly on social media with others that I knew through him - and I know that pisses him off to no end. He was outraged when my family all unfriended and blocked him after finding out how he'd treated me, and he doesn't want me interacting with anyone in his life now.

The main reason he blocked me and wants to ostracize me is because he needs to keep that mask on and I can very easily rip it off if I wanted to. He hates me and is enraged about me exposing to the extent that I have. People who love him are angry that I've exposed him, and I will never understand the logic of that. They should be pissed at HIM.

I do NOT regret exposing him, but it did give him the chance to deflect blame onto me and push his feelings of guilt under the rug.

OW left him after three months, and he immediately started in with a new woman in July 2018 (although on social media he pretended that he was single from the time he left me in April until he went public with second OW in September 2018). He knows he has a pattern of never being alone, and he knew it would look 'hinky' if he went from our marriage to a new relationship immediately. So he kept it on the down-low, even though everybody knew. They just chose to look the other way and pretend their loved one wasn't a world-class betrayer. Second OW has been living at our house with her little girl since at least April of last year.

I will always have to be frugal with money moving forward. I can't afford health insurance. It will be a struggle for a while. But I enjoy the freelance work that I do, and I'm hopeful that one day I will have a home of my own instead of a room inside someone else's home.

This enforced solitude has really opened my eyes to the caliber of man my ex is. How he uses people. How he objectifies women. How, at nearly 55 now, with wrinkles, moles, OCD and a hair-trigger temper, he expects his version of perfection in a partner.

How he bitches about his first wife cheating on and leaving him, when HE cheated on her with prostitutes on work trips! How he is the son of a serial cheater who was arrested for statutory rape. How he has, as a result, two siblings that are two months apart in age.

How his mom, despite what his dad put her through, went on to marry multiple men and cheat on THEM, dragging her kids along for the ride.

How he chain smokes weed all day long, and told me once that he'd rather do that than have sex with me.

How he blamed me for his temper and said I was the only person who ever brought it out in him, when I never so much as raised my voice to the guy - and then later watched him lose his temper with others.

So my new beginning, despite how rough it is on so many levels, is the escape I made from emotional abuse and infidelity. I wasted so much time trying to love a man into being a better person who loved me back. That just doesn't work. I'm so glad that I'm finally 'woke' to the person he is, but wish I could lose the feelings of longing and love and loneliness I still have for the person I thought he was for a very long time.

I hope I find someone one day who will make me believe again, but if that doesn't happen I'm striving so hard to find little pieces of beauty in every day. I hope you are too.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 2:14 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]

9 comments posted: Tuesday, January 7th, 2020

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