SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Chicky,

Yes, my husband cheated on me years ago, but even at the height of his cheating, he would have pummeled anyone that had the nerve to harass and abuse me in any shape or form.

Well, then he would have to hire someone. Otherwise, 1) the state will charge him for assault; 2) the other side will be able to charge in a civil suit;

So let me ask you: do you have a mortgage? If he gets to spend some time behind the bars will you be able to make mortgage payments? Will you be OK parting with some of the cash to settle civil charges in case if the other side cannot work?

Now let's say the other guy has an insurance from his company covering short term or long term disability. Now that the insurance company has to pay do you think it will not try to recover this cash?

Generally, unless you absolutely have nothing to lose you should not involve in physical assault. Had it been in the country where I came from then absolutely. Unless someone is really enjured cops are not going to do much. In the US you do not get into physical fight unless it is so purely in self defense..

So yeah, gonna separate from the crowd a bit here...

We are talking about a card.

That states a fact known to the receiving party.

I tried to contact my WW's OBS's (to inform them of the affair, respectfully may I add), the only one who even responded basically called me a liar and told me she already knew of an EA but she didn't care and would not believe that there was a PA, which there was. I didn't try to contact her again as it was a total waste of my time.

When I think of the things I was actually capable of doing at first (I didn't do them), a Christmas card telling someone what they already know doesn't seem all that bad.

Mostly it's your attempt to get validation on what is obviously not that great of an idea that is putting people off here IMO.

For the record- I think the AP deserves a comeuppance but I don't think targeting OBS is a good, efficient, or defensible tactic.

However, if one of the OBS's sent me a similar card I would hand it to my wife while laughing my ass off inside, because she (WW) should feel guilty about what she did and all the better if I don't have to be the one pointing that out for once.

It would affect me not at all. I already know what my wife did, I have relived it every waking moment since it happened and receiving a card reminding me of something I cannot ever forget would not have much of an impact.

I might send a card back saying, "Yes, my wife was a garbage person just like your husband was, welcome to the club, hope you find a way to heal from this, merry Xmas.." And my hope for that OBS to heal would be sincere, because the pain of being betrayed is so terrible that I cannot find any judgement in my soul toward someone who is going through it, even if I was their target.

Nobody could ever hurt me the way that my spouse did, because I gave her that special place in my heart. So anyone's attempt to further hurt me would fail. You cant shoot down a plane that has already crashed and burned.

This:

should feel guilty about what she did

And this:

wife was a garbage person just like your husband was

I precisely want that her husband feel that he is a garbage person. I am now divorced so it would not affect me that much. However, if they have hard holidays then great!

Nicenomore,

i ended up sleeping with the OMs OBS

Dude, this is trully awesome! I bet all minimizing stopped. It had to be therapeutical for both of them to feel what you have felt.

I was a BS, I remember wanting the other WS to pay, I do.

Analyst I see you said that you're now D'd so I hope that was your choosing. If it wasn't I'm sorry you are still hurting. If it was I'm also sorry that you're still hurting but maybe it's time to redirect your thoughts from OM and his family. Please try to look to your own future and completely disregard what the OM and his BS are doing. None of us know what happens behind closed doors. You may be convinced that they are living happily ever after and therefore you want to sabotage that. I'm sorry but that's not your place. Please, for your sake not theirs, look to the future and do your best to leave the revenge alone. No one ever wins.

Just my opinion but I think giving them the head space that you are is giving OM power over you.

I wish you a peaceful, happy future. It's hard, God knows I realise how hard it is but it's also possible. Give yourself this gift, surrender the headspace and emotions you dedicate to OM and his BS and focus on your own healing and moving forward. You deserve it.

I hope you can find peace.

tts

Idiotmcstupid and trying to smile

I think the combined wisdom in both your posts to be spot on and the best yet on this thread -

Analyst - let it go and move on with your life.

This is not healthy for them or you. You especially. There is nothing positive about this for anyone involved. I think you should stop doing this and spend your energy doing positive things.

"i ended up sleeping with the OMs OBS

Dude, this is trully awesome! I bet all minimizing stopped. It had to be therapeutical for both of them to feel what you have felt."

this cheering on of people's affairs is not something i've seen since i've known of these forums. it's sickening and not what this site stands for and truly makes me consider leaving.

You seem to have a lot of faith in our legal system to blindly assume that there's no chance of this backfiring. As if they couldn't also say that they've gotten a lot of hang-up phone calls from blocked numbers, or that you called them from blocked numbers, sent other letters and anonymous emails, contacted their employers (which you openly acknowledge; even if this is was totally legit, which I believe it was, it is part of the larger harassment picture given your additional actions), etc.

In any event, you're a true edgelord for your pride in your bad behavior and lack of care about the OBS. You're acting like Michael Douglass from Falling Down. I used to tell "hero stories" about my anger as well and I'd have taken great pride in being told that I'm acting like him in that movie. It was cool to be that guy and not give a flying fuck about how you're going about undermining someone who fucked with you.

In my case, I am very fortunate that d-day happened years after I started therapy, stopped drinking, etc. I can't imagine living like you are now, even though I did think that way for many years. It is a prison and it deprives your life of any happiness or meaning. The OM has the upper hand here, which is still possible even though you're all drowning together due to your scorched earth campaign. If you just gave him professional consequences and marital consequences from exposure and then moved on with your life, you'd have had the upper hand. Now, he owns you.

this cheering on of people's affairs is not something i've seen since i've known of these forums. it's sickening and not what this site stands for and truly makes me consider leaving.

Don't leave. The ramblings of Analyst are an exception to the majority of the members here. You know this.

I honestly think the mods should shut this thread down. What good is it doing? It's causing a lot of angst and stirring up a lot of negativity. Many have responded and Analyst seems to be dead set in what he is doing and there appears to be nothing anyone can or has said to get through to him. He's enjoying the attention, but not listening to any advice nor willing to see what he is doing is wrong. So what's the point?

He has NTV questioning his actions of the past that are nowhere near what Analyst has done and continues to do. I personally think it's enough. Shut this down, it's going nowhere.

MBB - I agree but this and the amount of should I have a RA threads are just what the hell?

I am going to say this in defense of Analyst. It is POSOM that caused this pain. Maybe OBS should be triggering at him instead of Analyst.

Is what Analyst doing right ? Perhaps not but he didnt ask for any of this and some of the comments directed at him on this thread are just as classless IMO

I get it Analyst. I really do. The need for justice even by hurting an innocent person. You can live with yourself at the end of the day because this was chosen for you and not chosen by you. None of it is fair.

I really do not believe this woman sits around and cries looking at your cards. I'm sure this is no reminder for her. She remembers. Trust me. She does.

Others have suggested this, but you seem hell bent on doing things your way without listening. We all realize your sending the card. It's your right after all. Why not try kindness to this woman. An apology even. An honest one though. Tell her your sorry about the other cards. Describe the pain this has put you through. Be honest with her your reasons for doing it. Likely she is dealing with the pain, hurt and anger as well. She isn't your enemy after all. I get - he is. If she reads this card (I'm thinking your cards go directly in the trash at this point) she can empathize with you. You both got hurt very, very badly. You'll also get the outcome your searching for. OM will not like you playing nice with his wife. Think about it.

The point I was trying to make analyst, that you interpreted differently, is that it doesn’t make you a bad person to feel a deep seated desire for justice. To want to punish the OM isn’t what defines you as a bad guy. It’s hurting innnocent people, worse, people who have suffered like you... it’s like if you had survived a heart attack and the OBS did too, you know her struggles, but you still try to send her fried foods in hopes that it gives her H a heart attack too. Why does she deserve it? Don’t you take comfort in knowing you and her are better than the WS and OM? Can’t you appreciate each other’s Pain? As i mentioned, i won’t even fault you for having satisfaction with revenge, hence my earlier post, of course it was cathartic to see the OM in misery, but dragging someone who needs kindness more than ever into it, and kicking her while she’s down is sociopathic. To me, my OBS is a dear friend and someone i want to support, and if I ever needed it, i could count on her too, (platonically at this point of course). For you, all your doing is making enemies and you don’t want to live life like that.

And Seward- i hope you don’t leave on the account of others opinions. Everyone is different..and maybe some progressive thought and different viewpoints is beneficial. As i have mentioned prior, my exw and had verbally separated after her affair. There was no deception or hiding. The opportunity to go back to being an exclusive couple was an option, but to be determined down the road, so not quite what i would call a revenge affair.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:34 AM, November 30th (Thursday)]

Is what Analyst doing right ? Perhaps not but he didnt ask for any of this and some of the comments directed at him on this thread are just as classless IMO

No he didn't ask for any of it. Neither did the OBS. Let's remember that ok. She is as much a victim as he is, and to top it off she has a child with health issues that Analyst is well aware of and jeopardized that child having insurance to cover those medical costs. There is NO excuse for such heartless retaliation IMO.

I don't think any responses have been classless, what's classless is his continued harassment of a woman whose heart has been broken. She doesn't need his petty and misdirected venom to be aimed at her. All he does is reopen the wound every year at the holidays which are a difficult time of year for most BS's. Even if she doesn't open them she knows who they are from and what they are in reference to which if only momentary, causes her further pain. THAT is classless.

top it off she has a child with health issues that Analyst is well aware of and jeopardized that child having insurance to cover those medical cost

I don't agree with what Analyst is doing...but he didn't put the child at jeopardy. The child's father did.

Prissy,

I hear you, and yes had the OM not had an A with Analysts WW none of this would be happening, but he was part of the reason the OM lost his job. Analyst carelessly considered the child and his health issues to be collateral damage. Oh well, no insurance for a sick child? Too bad. What kind of person thinks that way about a child? That is disturbing. As a mom of a child with health issues this strikes a big chord with me. The child and the mother should be left out of his vengeance. It's really just that simple.

Here is my problem...

if we are going to put responsibility on the married person to protect their marriage ...then its their responsibility. Can't pick and choose.

I find it disturbing that the person who is responsible for loving and caring for something that we created together would not even stop to consider the consequences of their action.

Analyst telling the truth is not disturbing... a father throwing away his child's health insurance after sitting in ER's, after staying up late when they are sick, taking them to needed therapies...to sleep with someone. That's disturbing.

I do not think Analyst is right for sending the cards...but no blame for the AP loosing his job and health insurance rests on his shoulders.

I carry the health insurance for my family...both sons with ADHD and one with Dyslexia, chronic asthma and life-threatening allergies that have sent us to the ICU on more than one occasion.

We would be LOST without my medical coverage for my sons therapies and medications.

I wanted to beat the the hell out of AP..but didnt want to loose my job. I can find another job...but the quality of our health insurance is top notch so I wouldn't risk it.

So as a mother who has a chronically ill child...no I don't blame Analyst. I blame the "father" that decided getting his penis wet was more important than his child.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 11:20 AM, November 30th (Thursday)]

This thread grew quickly with a lot of people stating their opinions that Analysts actions were wrong. This was totally unnecessary, as he essentially acknowledged this when he started this thread.

He was asking for help, not attacks. So, I would ask Analyst a lot of questions before I can really answer.

Have you been in IC? You may not consider yourself a mean person, but do your actions define you as one? Have you looked at your actions lately? Why do you think you can't move on with your life and try to focus on yourself?

IMO, what you are doing is not healthy for you. Clearly you need to focus on yourself and moving on in your life. Although what happened to you was bad, you are not fixing anything or improving your life by making someone else unhappy. It does you no good. If you are so angry at OM, maybe you should challenge him to an amateur boxing match or something like that. I think it would be more productive than what you are currently doing.

Western is spot on with this: Some of the comments directed at him (Analyst) on this thread are just as classless IMO

Well said & I agree. The comments are getting out of hand. Analyst has a long way to go, but to say he’s worst than a wayward that’s forcing their BS to live a lie is beyond reaching🙄. To try and blame him for OM losing his job with good insurance is reaching. Analyst is obviously hurting and we all know that hurt people tend to hurt people. I don’t believe Anslyst is beyond help... I think it’s good that he’s still here. I hope that he eventually gets tired of being angry & will take the advice to see an IC and move forward.

[This message edited by JpnHeartBreak at 11:57 AM, November 30th (Thursday)]