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I do send cards to OBS every Thanksgiving Holiday congratulating her on staying with her POS and wishing her not be cheated again by her spouse. The first time I did it really triggured her and got an email back from her WH asking me to stop. I just did not respond at that time but sent a new post card (this time before X-mas) the following year basically doing the same: ruining their holidays by bad memories. I do not consider myself to be a mean person but it does make me feel slightly better when I know that his holiday is a bit more difficult. I do question why I feel that way. Any ideas?

ummm. what about her holiday? she didn't do anything wrong.

Ouch. Listen, I get it. But you are hurting another innocent person by doing this. Is even the slightest bit of revenge worth that?

you could send the ap a card to his work instead....

avoids the collateral damage to the obs.

My concern is not with the WH, but that it hurts the OBS. I wouldn't have peace with that as she is innocent as a BS in this situation. How do you reconcile your thoughts on that?

I do understand the desire for the AP to have pain, as he caused you so much through his actions. I don't agree that it helps in the healing process, but perhaps it does for some. Revenge is never a "free" action.

Holidays are definitely painful! You're not alone in that for sure. What do you do for yourself to heal through the holidays (other than sending cards to obs!).

Wow analyst. Would you like a yearly slap in the face reminding you of your spouses betrayal?

Please leave that poor woman in peace.

(((((Analyst))))) I am so sorry that you are still in so much pain. Lashing out at an innocent bystander, and feeling good about it, just doesn't seem like a healthy way to heal.

How would you like a reminder card from them every year?

I do not consider myself to be a mean person but ...

Riiiiight.....You are what you do buddy.

You are deliberately and repeatedly causing pain to the OBS to make yourself feel better.

You need to stop harassing the OBS, right now. Sure sure you want to ruin AP's hollidays as yours were ruined and upsetting the OBS is the way to make that happen. She's just collateral damage to you then?

My analysis of your behavior is that you haven't processed your own pain, haven't let go the need to punish AP, and show limited empathy for someone who has suffered the same betrayal as yourself.

Analyst- I’ll always be the first to say that an OM who knows you, knew your wife was married, and still chose to pull a power move or invade your territory, deserves hell. If it weren’t illegal I fantasized about curb stomping him in front of my ex, amongst other things. We get it, and agree, he deserves any and every sense of misery imaginable if he knew you, knew she was married. He didn’t care if he disrespected you. BUT his Wife is innocent. That’s the thing she deserves healing and peace, compassion, like you do. And since she chose to R, the right thing to do is help her heal like yourself, be kinder to her than her worthless husband is. Show her compassion because she hurts like you. It’s not fair to punish her too, she doesn’t deserve it. If you want, punish her Husband any way you want within the confines of the law. But don’t drag the wife into it. Just my 2cents

[This message edited by nicenomore at 11:53 AM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Wow.

Just . . . wow.

Using the other innocent party as your punching bag because you cannot deal constructively with your emotions is helpful . . . how?

Maybe get into IC and work on why you have to hurt someone to make you feel better about yourself and your situation.

I do not consider myself to be a mean person

You are what you do, and what you are doing to the OBS is very unkind and, yes, mean. Leave them to their healing and their choices.

Cat

I am puzzled. Why would you choose to torment someone who, like you, is a victim?

The OBS is like you...a victim - are you mad at her for not leaving her WH?

I may have you confused with another member, but didn't you also go after his job,and get him fired? AND made sure to do all that you could to prevent him from getting other jobs? All while knowing he and his BW have a very ill child who absolutely needed the insurance provided by his old job, and the future employment. So the child was uninsured,and didn't get the treatment they needed?

If you're not that member, then disregard the above paragraph,and I apologise.

As for the cards...

Do you realize his wife and child are already suffering because the WS's actions?

What you're doing is mean. Actions define you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:25 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

HellFire,

Nope, you're not confused.

WTF. That's as cruel as what her WS did to her, IMO. Apart from being mean, it's really immature. You're supposed to be the better person. You're reminding her of pain when I'm sure she's only trying to move on and heal.

Maybe that's not your intention, but "congratulating" her on staying with her WS is really kicking her when she's down. It's like saying "Hey, congratulations on your shit, horror-show of a life.

Honestly, what the hell. Your negative energy should be focused on the AP or your WW. Every one else are innocents.

You've been given good advice. I would suggest you follow it before the universe teaches you an object lesson by sending like a drunk hit and run driver. I got that out of nowhere for something, because I needed to learn to let go and forgive on a higher level. What you are doing is ungodly cruel to someone you KNOW how she feels. I think it's projection at the highest level. Your holidays were ruined by your WS and by dam, no one else is going to enjoy them either.

I'm not sure why you are sending the card to the OBS. I'm not getting the point of it at all, but I think it is only speculation that she is hurt by it. I think in the situation that the other OBS was doing this to me I might get kind of a charge out of it. I'd let WH know straight away that the whore's H sent the holiday card and watch WH squirm. The only thing I have to wonder is how your making yourself look to her. If my WH was getting stuff like that from the OBS I would so get it. I would defend OBS because you know - WH did the nasty with HIS wife, but I think making it a yearly thing you make yourself look bad. Like others have said why not mail it to OM? He did you wrong not her. You do say you are not mean, but you are trying to ruin her holiday. That is mean. I've done some pretty low things to OW (including making finding a job almost impossible), but for the life of me I cannot figure out why you want to torment the OBS. Your lucky she doesn't mess with you back because I would if I were her.

[This message edited by NorthernGirl12 at 2:56 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

AND made sure to do all that you could to prevent him from getting other jobs? All while knowing he and his BW have a very ill child who absolutely needed the insurance provided by his old job, and the future employment. So the child was uninsured,and didn't get the treatment they needed?

Analyst, that is truly...evil. I do not go along with the mindset of whatever a BS does to heal is okay. You do need to look at collateral damage. Of course, it is the WS's fault to start with, however, that doesn't give a BS a license to kill. No, I don't always believe in the "scorched earth" approach exactly because of cases like this. You took away health care for a very sick child. How do you look at yourself in the mirror?

I am sorry to be so harsh, Analyst, but you need some help. IC at the very least to examine how you can be so cruel and feel good about it.

You're lowering yourself to be a prick just like AP.

This woman has done nothing to hurt you. Seriously what you are doing is FUCKED UP!!!

That poor woman. I can only imagine how gutting that is to get from you every year.

My therapist would smack me if I admitted to doing this. And I'd deserve it.

You should send AP a gummy "bag of dicks" instead.

[This message edited by tiredofcrying59 at 4:33 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]