SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been avoiding posting lately but I cannot help myself in the instance.

I am a WS. What I did was absolutely disgusting. But what you are doing is so far beyond anything I ever did. At the risk of getting in trouble with the mods, you are a disgusting human being. Wanting to torture the OBS just to get your pound of flesh is reprehensible. Hooray for you that you got the OM fired. Hooray for you that he is working at a lower paying job. Hooray for you that they had to go on Cobra in order to cover their child’s health insurance. Hooray for you that you continue this poor woman’s nightmare. All that cheering, you must be so proud of yourself.

You sir, definitely need some serious inpatient therapy.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 8:47 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

I do not think he is faced with anything: OBS is a stay home mom because she needs to take care of their children. If they divorce she will get child and spousal support from much lower wage: Home Depot does not pay much. My intension was not to hurt her. My intension was to hurt him. I doubt he enjoyed his holidays. I know he did not enjoy the first card. They did not respond to subsequent cards. There is no way she could afford to divorce him. She pretty much has to stay home.

One day we had an argument where I blamed her that we have sold the house even though I did insist on selling it. She responded that it was something I insisted. I got upset and packed some of her stuff and drove her to the shelter telling her that perhaps she would appreciate living there if she did not appreciate the house... anyways, long story short: I drained the bank account later and then filed for D.

This may be the only case since being a member here on SI where I've had truly negative emotions for a BS rather than a WS.

You have ZERO clue of the state of their marriage yet you only want to exert negative energy on all of them. You don't think that by targeting the OBS this doesn't affect the entire family?

You show a lack of empathy that is mostly seen in WS's. In fact it's downright sociopathic/psychopathic. Think of what they're going through - jobless and no health insurance with a special needs kid to raise.

How can you justify taking things this far? Again, your negative energy should be solely focused on your WW and the AP.

This ranks up there with the some of the sickest things I've read here on SI including the WS actions. I mean, YOU KNOW THE HORROR of being betrayed. WS's at least have the excuse of not knowing. BUT YOU DO. Yet you CHOOSE to inflict this pain on another. FUCKING SICK.

I know that flaming other members is frowned upon here. But this needs to be addressed. I've have more understanding of WS's than I do Analyst.

But no matter what "bad" things the original poster here does - EVERYTHING is still really the fault of the cheating AP. He brought this crazy into their marriage.

Yes the OP should let it go - but as that is not happening - it's STILL the fault of the WS for creating this horror show.

There are other posts here where a BS is being harassed by a crazy OW. Yes the crazy harassing OW should stop - but I still put all blame on the cheater for exposing their spouse to such crap.

Hooray for you that you got the OM fired. Hooray for you that he is working at a lower paying job. Hooray for you that they had to go on Cobra in order to cover their child’s health insurance. Hooray for you that you continue this poor woman’s nightmare. All that cheering, you must be so proud of yourself.

I did not get him fired. His company decided that he was a legal liability and though a very good sales person his company had no choice but to terminate his position. Perhaps, he should have thought better before violating my family AND the company's policy. After all, he had a company car and was supposed to use it for business and not to kiss another married co-worker.

Wanting to torture the OBS just to get your pound of flesh is reprehensible.

I just do not want him to enjoy the holidays. My goal is not to torment her. It was he whom I am after. I also do not believe that he paid sufficient price for what he has done. Yes, he lost his job and then another one and yes he had to downgrade in his car and spent his money on COBRA but so what? He is still married and still probably has sex with his spouse... I just feel he got away easily because everyone around him suffered and he did not suffer as much... I might be wrong but I really doubt I am wrong here.

I was going to write something and thought better of it because.....

The anger and hate you carry will destroy you. You will continue to let the affair consume you causing more pain than any of us could inflict on you.

What have done has failed to destroy their marriage. Although the financial had hurt them but it too did not destroy them either.

What you are doing now is actually bringing them closer together. You gave them a new super villain that will take the focus off the a and put it on you.

Dude,

YOU. ARE. WRONG.

Analyst,

I often go against the grain of conventional wisdom, because different perspectives are important to have healthy discussion.. but here, unequivocally, everyone has told you the deal. You’re being cruel to someone just as wounded as you. My guess is you are apathetic at best to her feelings, hurting her isn’t your primary intent, you’re using her to hurt the OM, hoping that your actions will cause her to make him miserable or leave him. Your end goal is to inflict punishment on the OM and I totally totally get that. If he knew of you before engaging with your wife you have every right to wish him suffering and death, no one here will fault for those feelings... it’s how your doing it that’s absolutely abhorrent. His BS, like you, deserved better. But she made her choice and she deserves kindness and empathy. If you really wanted to piss the OM off, you could write her a card every year telling her she is beautiful, and an amazing woman who showed strength and that you empathasize with her. Tell her you wish her well. That would make her feel great, and serve the double purpose of hurting her H, but you took a much different, more sadistic and cruel path

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:40 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

You need to let go of that anger and hate inside you or it'll eat you alive.

Seriously.

Ultimately, the blame lies with your spouse. As it does for all of us. They were the ones we trusted, not the ap.

I get the anger, sure most of us do, it's a bag of shit. Leave these people alone and focus on healing you. You'll feel and be better if you do.

Is there a better way to fuck with this dude besides this?

I mean, man, it's pretty rare when EVERYONE who responds to a post says the same thing. It's generally like one of those signals that you should take a note or a Memory or a pause to rethink it.

**************

I see that you feel justified in what you're doing.... so let me paint a different picture. Let's pretend your wife banged this dude because she thought you were bad in bed, and this dude wants to continually remind you of that fact. So every xmas he sends you card made from some pics of them doing it. He feels justified in what he's doing. But...you know... the kids get the mail sometimes. Would you still say that kinda collateral damage is acceptable?

I mean, I'm all for cathartic revenge shit. I think it's generally pretty damn funny in most instances... some folks go over the top with toothbrushes or shit, but this, man? There isn't a better way?

****************

I ain't saying this makes you a bad dude. I ain't saying I'm a good dude either, or I hadn't...literally....planned worse types of vengeance.

I'm saying, if you are going to make yourself an agent of chaos man, then you need more style. If you're gonna play unforgiven, then let everyone who doesn't wanna die run outta the saloon before you shoot up the place.

This man may be your enemy. I'd get it if you decided that. But the rest of his family ain't.

I ain't saying your wrong in that he is the one who made his wife collateral damage. I ain't saying your wrong for wanting this dude to hurt.

I'm just saying, man, you're aiming a bazooka at a jackass and blowing up the cute little baby rabbits around it too.

It's overkill.

I want to ask you to think about swapping out the bazooka for a sniper rifle (this is a metaphor for any readers who use english as a second language).

Would you be willing to change tactics?

Edit: dont know why it added question marks at the end of the line of asterisk, but i didnt mean to put them there.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 9:44 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Analyst? More like asshole.

How would you like a yearly card with a pic of him doing your wife.

Your excuses about her being collateral damage for HIS actions are bullshit.

She's collateral damage to your continuing inability to deal with this. It's been a year? two? You need some serious IC.

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:43 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

^^^^

What NTV said.

Also, despite agreeing that he deserves to suffer (again if he knew of you even existing before having sex with her), at some point you really are holding yourself back from happiness. I get it, to this day if someone told me my ex wife’s om was on fire, I still wouldn’t piss on him to put him out.. but if I spent everyday since thinking about him and dwelling, that’s a lot of time and energy wasted...time i could devote to my amazing GF, to my family, to fixing my cars, to traveling, to earning more money, achieving, living, thriving, etc etc.. get the point? At some point apathy towards the situation isn’t for forgiving him, it’s for healing you

Using innocent people for your own ends is the most wayward kind of behavior.

I'm not joking - you're no better than a WS, with the pain you've caused to someone who has done nothing to you. Maybe worse, since your actions are intentionally malicious.

Perhaps that's the reason for your insatiable hate. Rambler is right - this will destroy you. Unfortunately it sounds like you might send everything around you up in flames, before you're done.

If you really wanted to piss the OM off, you could write her a card every year telling her she is beautiful, and an amazing woman who showed strength and that you empathasize with her. Tell her you wish her well. That would make her feel great, and serve the double purpose of hurting her H, but you took a much different, more sadistic and cruel path

Do you think it is going to work? I can either send one for Christmas or send one next year.

EVERYTHING is still really the fault of the cheating AP. He brought this crazy into their marriage.

I agree 100%. After all, I do not have a habit of sending cards to random people. I send it to them (only once a year during holidays) so that he does not get to enjoy this time.

I want to ask you to think about swapping out the bazooka for a sniper rifle (this is a metaphor for any readers who use english as a second language).

Would you be willing to change tactics?

Absolutely I would as long as he is hurt more. It does make me feel better though temporarily. Could you please elaborate? Like give me an example. It should be 100% legal. It is just I see no other way to make him pay enough for the damage he caused...

CantEatCantSleep:

Using innocent people for your own ends is the most wayward kind of behavior.

I'm not joking - you're no better than a WS, with the pain you've caused to someone who has done nothing to you. Maybe worse, since your actions are intentionally malicious.

I've been following you since I first heard of you. As a WS trying to "own it", I respect you more way more than I respect Analyst.

Analyst,

Do you think it is going to work? I can either send one for Christmas or send one next year.

I'm really trying to be constructive here. You need to focus your efforts INWARD. Seek ways to release your negative energy that don't involve anybody else but you. Focus on YOUR OWN JOURNEY and nobody else. You control your destiny. That sounds corny as fuck, but really it's true. Control the narrative of your own story. You're imposing a narrative on someone else's life hoping it will affect your own. That seems like a fruitless cause.

I know this is not the place in life you chose. This shit-show was wrought upon you without your choosing. But only YOU can decide how it DEFINES YOU. Focusing your pain outwardly won't release it from you. You'll only produce a negative feedback that will somehow only fester inside of you.

At this point, you have your integrity. That's a great place to start. Close the door on this phase of your life. Everyone here knows the pain of that finality.

From there, focus on how you want the next chapter of your life to turn out. Look for hope in the "next life".

This re-hashing of old horrors is so destructive.

Absolutely I would as long as he is hurt more. It does make me feel better though temporarily.

So what if he hurts? Will it change what happened? Does it erase the hurt? No. Process it and move on. It doesn't matter if he hurts more, in the end. What matters is that you survive this with yourself intact. And devoting your life tearing someone else down probably tears you down too.

Sorry man. This shit is tough. I get it.

Analyst-

My point was for hindsight... nothing you can do at this point will show them anything other than transparent maliciousness. No subtlety no tact, nothing. What I was suggesting was a much smarter alternative than what you did. She would feel respected, cared for, and empathized with, and he would be seething that you had some input, or effect on her. Another punishment for him, and he could never vocalize to her that he was bothered by an innocent card. He would have had to stew in it, lest he awake her wrath all over again. My point is what you could have done if you were logical, and capable of emotional intelligence, however, you have already soiled both of their opinions of you through blunt cruelty. I SYMPATHIZED with my OBS. She probably thinks your a spiteful prick, and his holiday was already going to be miserable anyway. im betting this stunt inflicted far more pain on her than him, and as another poster eluded to, only served to further solidify common ground for them, bonding in their reslove that you are the new enemy. Dude, you wanted to hurt him? Should have thought it through better. Now you need to forget it for your own sake, because honestly, your lack of understanding how hurting her is wrong, makes you sound childish and petty. Real men don’t go out and hurt innocent women.

So your marriage is over and his isn’t... guess what? You’re no longer married to a cheater, and you have made his life worse as a result.. if it matters, take comfort in that. Every day he is still married, he has to worry about her doing the same to him, berating him, leaving him, etc etc. you, if you can fget over your need for vengeance, are free to meet a younger, kinder, prettier woman than your ex, instead of wasting your time harboring hatred. It will serve you no good.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 10:43 PM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

Analyst,

Your marriage ended because of their affair, but his marriage endured, for whatever reasons on both sides.

You keep this up because you cannot reconcile that he hasn’t suffered the loss you have.

So you keep egging, and nudging, and reminding, and torturing all in the hopes that AP and his wife will be as broken as you and your wife.

Your pound of flesh has no boundaries and is truly deplorable.

Analyst,

I would let this anger and revenge go if I were you. It is clearly eating you alive.

The reality is, the OM and OBS probably get your cards now and laugh, and toss them away, unopened, then have a laugh and feel sorry for you. Then, the OM goes back to his delicious memories of his sexual adventures with your wife.

The OBS probably just shakes it off that you're fucked in the head, and goes about her day.

You're the one being tortured here. Well, and your wife. I am sure that you're giving her a hard time, too. Do you wonder if her mind wanders to her times with the OM? You really seem to be hurting and lashing out. I think therapy would be helpful.

The evil you do remains within you and every bit that you put out into the universe, regardless of your perception of justifiable retribution, will come back upon you tenfold.