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Reconciliation :
Positive Reconciliation Stories

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HowIsThisReal ( Member #50235) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

We are just over a year out from d-day. I wanted to give a positive update, though by no means do I consider us R'd yet. I've seen some posts encouraging us to post in here, so here goes.

My FWH was immediately remorseful.

He never blamed me or our marriage, ever. He has basically been the best version of a model wayward that I could have wanted.

He's apologetic, humble, completely transparent, after d-day, he gave me the log in and password to his secret email, and voluntarily keeps a GPS app and a "keylogger" type app (accountable2you) on his phone that alerts me to anything and everything he does on it.

He is aware that something is wrong with him, he's in therapy, he voluntarily shows me his papers and treatment plans from his therapist.

He takes any verbal abuse I throw at him, he takes the blame (as he should) for EVERYTHING. He lets me know that I've been nothing but a great wife all these years, and that he regrets f*cking up our life, he's remorseful to the point that he's been suicidal a few times this past year.

I am on AD's (wellbutrin) and not yet in therapy again (tried it, the therapist wasn't a good fit) and he's in therapy weekly.

So why am I posting in here?

For the most part, I have a REALLY hard time seeing him as the same person he once was. We have more good days than bad lately (except for today, where I just woke up PISSED for some reason ). He's different with me, with our kids, he's even different with my family.

He censors himself, he no longer makes lewd jokes, and he will avert his eyes if he sees an attractive woman in public or even on TV.

He will literally look down at the ground if we're in a social situation and I'm interacting with someone else, OR if I'm not interacting with someone else, he will actively engage in conversation with me, staring directly at me, trying to keep my attention and make sure I know his attention is ON ME, so that I won't trigger.

I no longer try to blitz him with verbal assaults and attacks, I have learned to try and take a deep breath and think about what I'm going to say. The mind movies and images have subsided a bit, they aren't gone completely and likely never will be. I still trigger pretty easily.

Anything from one word said a certain way in a song, to kissing on a TV show can set me off. And still not a day goes by that I don't think about his infidelity, the length of time kills me, as it's pretty much been for HALF of our wonderful (so I thought) marriage.

But there is HOPE, most days I feel like we will make it. And, I think that's a positive.

It's not a "hey we R'd and are great now" story which is what I always assumed this thread was for, but like I said, I've seen some encouragement to post in here.

So even though we aren't R'd yet, we are working towards it and things are going pretty well lately.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 12:05 PM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

Me: BS | D-Day 1: 11/3/2015 | D-Day 2: 9/4/2019
Attempting R with a different approach, after 4 years of a tumultuous/turbulent attempt at it, ending in d-day 2. (Co-W kissed him, he kissed back).

posts: 860   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7707895
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Cycle1 ( Member #52165) posted at 11:51 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2016

Preface: I posted this elsewhere, and it was requested that I post it here as well. This is just kind of a rambling about this past weekend. Nothing too important, but if you read it, thank you. There is talk of hunting and killing an animal, so be mindful if you are sensitive to that.

Saturday was the opener for deer hunting season. I hunt. My young teen son hunts. This was to be his first year old enough to hunt on his own, in his own deer blind with no one else there. He's excited. I'm excited. Mom's excited but nervous.

Alarm set for 4am. Wife is already up and frying bacon and eggs for our breakfast, coffee and hot chocolate in thermoses, and making and packing our lunches. I ask her why she's up and she says she wants to be. And she wouldn't be able to sleep if she wanted anyway.

We finish eating. The guns, ATV, loaded into the truck the night before with anything else we could. Before we roll out she takes our picture. By the time we drive an hour to our land and hike in to our blinds she had posted it on FB and there were dozens of good luck comments.

We sat all day. An occasional text from wife. I love you. Any deer? So and so got a buck. Etc. We had no luck. Sat for all of daylight in the sub freezing temps (and it was 60° the day before!) and neither of us saw anything. We drove home defeated. Wife heard my noisy diesel truck pull in and she met us at the door with big hugs, a kiss, and got hot chocolate going.

Next morning a repeat. She's up, we ate, and out the door. By noon I see nothing. Again. Then a shot from the other 40 acres. My phone vibrates. Son is so excited he can barely tell me he got a big doe. I'm excited for him. Can't stop smiling as I make the nearly 80 acre hike to him. He made a great, quick kill. We thanked the deer for providing us (cheesy, I know, but we don't take killing lightly) and dressed it. Got it to the truck and headed home.

I had sent a photo of his first solo hunting quarry to my wife. By the time we got home it was on FB and he had a ton of congratulatory comments. But it was another frozen day. Wind chill of about 12°F. We filled our stomach at dinner. I showered and crawled into bed. Wife soon after. I was still chilled. She cuddled tight up and I stole all her body heat I could. I fell asleep in her arms, her head on my chest.

I woke this morning, feeling great. Despite a Monday work day. I slept well. I have a flawed but good woman at home. And working on that flaw. One that's trying so hard to make the world right again. I have to give her a lot of credit for her effort. She fucked up really bad. But I've never seen her trying so hard at something in the 22 years we've been together, like she is now to make things right. And as a bonus, only I get this. Only I get the morning breakfasts. The kiss and hugs when I get home. The great homemade dinners. The warm bedroom cuddling each and every night. The coffee and breakfast made on workday mornings. That other guy, he stole a few insignificant moments of her time, really, in the grand scheme of things. But he'll never know this. He'll never know what it's like to have a real family. A real life. What makes it better is he has desperately tried to have it. Two failed marriages. But he will never have it.

I gave her the gift of reconciliation. She jumped on it and has done nearly everything right. She is all in. And while I still have down days, even angry days, I'm going to stick this out and see where it goes.

Note: I edit my posts often to correct failed autocorrects.

posts: 851   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2016
id 7712630
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W3IRZ ( Member #48882) posted at 12:44 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2016

This is a positive Thanksgiving post from another thread:

In the spirit of the holiday, I will share just exactly how I am feeling today. I haven't been on SI for 6 weeks or so. I have found that I really do not need it. However, I know that there are people out there looking for hope. So I will share.

I am thankful that my life is nearly perfect now. I have an amazing family. My kids are healthy, well adjusted, really good kids who love their family and my teenagers want to spend time with us. I still have my mom and we have my husband's parents too and every moment we spend with them is treasured. We live in a nice house and we have food everyday and we always pay our bills on time. We are planning our next summer's vacation. We have good friends. We live in a beautiful place. I am almost done with my degree so that I can start the next chapter in my career life.

Now onto my husband. My husband now adores me and shows it. My husband has taken every single opportunity that I have "tested" him in the last 6 months, his response has been absolutely supportive and undeniably committed to me and to us. We work together on things now. Everything. We aren't just on the same page, we are on the same word, every single day. We talk ALL of the time. If I am unhappy about the slightest thing, we talk about it and we resolve it calmly. Our relationship is perfect. I'm not exaggerating. We really don't fight. We talk and resolve. There is no doubt in my mind that our relationship will always be this way now. We both teetered on the edge of losing each other and we didn't fall off the cliff. We remember that and neither of us want to even go close to that cliff again. If one of us starts to slip towards the edge, the other is right there to grab the other.

So for all of this I am thankful. I am not quite healed yet, but most days infidelity plays a very small role in my life. I still hurt when I think about some things, but then I remember how good life is now and I don't want the hurt or the resentment to stand in the way of how good life is. So I keep moving along with healing and my husband keeps supporting me. He reminds me sometimes to not waste too much time wallowing in the hurt, but he also knows that sometimes I need to explore it again. He allows me to lead that journey, but he is also there to say "is this helping you". Sometimes it isn't helping me at all and his words are what I need to come back to my present day reality.

I have never been a vindictive person and I don't want to start now. But sometimes I still compare myself to her. It's hard not to because there was a time when he picked her over me. But you know what? She has nothing. I mean that. Her life is just as miserable, if not more miserable than it was before. She still has a broken family. A husband who doesn't care enough to quit drinking. She doesn't have the cozy house, or vacation to plan or the super supportive husband. I have all that. What did she get from my husband? Cheap sex and bullshit words. I'd rather have the life I have now than anything she ever got from him. That is the truth. There is no reason to ever compare myself to her again. She really didn't get the "good" man that I know my husband is and was. She got all of the bad from him and he is so happy to leave all of that behind.

Folks I can't say that your relationship will turn out this way. I know there are many people struggling with reconciliation and they will fail. It's not easy and there are some folks who aren't good candidates for reconciliation. But if deep down you think you have a good candidate and if that person really is working hard for you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It hasn't even been a year and half for us and I can tell you that I am completely content with my life. I am not healed, but I am healing and I haven't slipped backwards since around May. It is possible to reconcile and it is possible to have a nearly perfect marriage. It just takes two people who are unwilling to stop working at it.

[This message edited by W3IRZ at 5:48 AM, November 26th (Saturday)]

BS - me 42 on DD
FWH - him 44 on DD
Married 21 years on DD
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2015
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W3IRZ ( Member #48882) posted at 12:51 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2016

I promised Want2Behappy that I would post "our story" in here. I am not healed, but we are really over the hump of all of this. I don't come to SI much anymore and I want to take the time to offer inspiration to those struggling since I don't get on much anymore. Sorry that this is long.

My husband and I met when I was 20 and were engaged 6 months later. We were instantly compatible. I had several previous boyfriends, one who I was with for 3 years, yet there was a different connection with my husband. He felt it too. We married after only a year and half. We were young, but we were very compatible. We often talked of our future and of our views on life. We went hiking and walking. We enjoyed major league baseball games regularly. We both loved the beach and were family people. We just meshed. It was 5 years into our marriage when we became pregnant for the first time. We were both elated. Over time we had a total of 3 children. We love raising our children. Of course we had normal young family struggles of money issues and career changes, but through it all we worked together. We always came together on things. See this is why when he told me he wanted to leave me for another woman, it came as such a shock.

So fast forward to DDay - I was absolutely confused because we were the envied couple by our friends. Two peas in a pod or perfect for each other is how others described us. I had no idea he could ever do such a thing and as I said we were a couple that was very close. How could he pull this off with us being so close? Well during the time of his affair and shortly there before, we were on opposite work schedules. We rarely saw each other. So even though we had been close for all of those years, we drifted apart during that interval and since my husband was in an affair, he of course made effort to stay apart even during the few times when we could have reconnected. I can even remember on at least two occasions telling my husband we needed to make time to reconnect and his reply was "We are really busy right now." So on DDay when he told me that he was having an affair and he thought we should separate my answer was a very firm "No". I really and truly told him that. I said "We are not doing that.". He was completely confused. I could see it. It was like a deer in the headlights look he gave me. That is when I realized that my husband, the one I had been married to for 21 years at that point, was not the one looking at me. Something was seriously off. So I treated him and the situation differently than I would have treated him previously. I could tell he was gone. I remember telling him my view of what he and I's relationship had been and I could see wheels turning in his head. Now he tells me that when I told him my view of our relationship, he began to realize that he was completely messed up. That he had spun so many justifications and minimizations, that he forgot what a wonderful marriage he had had. At one point on DDay I realized he thought I was manipulating him. So I quickly stopped and said, "Is there anyone you can talk to about all of this to help you get your head right?" and his reply was "you". So he had planned to leave me, yet he felt that when he had a serious problem, I was the one he would want to talk to. I explained that if he left me, I could no longer be his confidante. Again wheels were turning in his head.

So for the first 6 months of reconciliation, he continued to give me partial truths and even continued the affair until he found a new job. He broke NC a couple of times until 6 months into it he completely came clean and has never mislead me since. For an additional 5 months past that complete truth reveal, he continued to unravel the details in his head. It has been a process of him undoing all of the lies he told himself and its like a debriefing of a self-induced brainwashing that occurred during the affair. We both firmly believe that he justified so much of the affair that he actually brainwashed himself. Some may not believe that, but I literally watched as the justifications and lies peeled away until today I have MY husband back fully and completely. He did become someone he was not during the affair. He completely lost the person who he is at his core and he hated himself everyday. He pretended to like himself and to think he was happy, but that was all part of the fantasy that he weaved about this woman and the affair. It took him about 11 months from Dday to completely shed each layer of lies and justifications. He wasn't still lying to me, but he still had some left over feelings that he tried to make sense of. Not even that he loved her or wanted her, it was more like how could he have believed he loved her in the first place until he had reframed every "positive" experience with her and truly recognized it for what it was. Through all of this I stood by him and listened to him. I heard his feelings, even the ones I didn't want to hear. We listened to each other. We talked about everything - our thoughts, our feelings, our future, our desires, our fears. We began again to reestablish the relationship we always had until it was interrupted. We remembered together how awful life would be without the other one in it. See in fantasy land he never imagined a life without me, he just imagined a fairy tale. When he looked at the reality of it all, he realized that he didn't want to be without me. We talked intimately every single day. Sometimes it all centered around the hurt and devastation and sometimes it was about our future. Sometimes he was defensive with me because he didn't want to face the devastation he caused. I didn't blame him, I understood how painful it must be for him. Of course, he wasn't defensive for long. He would eventually realize how selfish that was and he would soften up and hold me and apologize. I would always apologize for making him relive his pain too. It was a dance of compassion and empathy from both of us. Neither of us liked what the other one was going through, but we did it. Hand in hand we did it. Through it all we knew one thing always -- that we would never give up on the other. That no matter what, we would make it through somehow because the alternative was devastating.

Here we are on the other side. I can honestly say that we have the perfect relationship. I once questioned if I would ever fully trust him (or anyone again) and I can say that I do. I trust him completely because I know him deeply and he knows me. He would rather die than to ever betray me or himself again. He won't be perfect, but he will NEVER again be anything but loyal to me. I fully believe that. Part of the reason I can trust him and believe him is that I have MY husband back. Remember how on DDAY I said I was staring at someone I didn't know? Well through the first 11 months I watched as the layers peeled off and my husband who I had known for 21 years returned. That person who had been standing before me was gone and he will never return. I am sure of that. In the last 6 months, our dance has been very consistent. Sometimes I unintentionally test him. I will fall and start spewing devastation from the past and he is right there to catch me, hold me and remind me that we are no longer there and he will never, ever do that to me again. He apologizes and he is the husband I always dreamed about. He is the man I always thought he was. I am so happy that he is who I thought he was and that I stayed. We wake up each day grateful for everything we have. He thanks me often for standing beside him during his period of insanity. I think about that too. I think about during my worst days, how I refused to give up on us even when it seemed he had and I realize that that is what a marriage is all about. See those might have been my darkest days, but he was in a worse place than I was. I knew who I was, but he was lost. He didn't know anyone and most of all he didn't know himself. But I believed in him and in us and I stood strong so that he could lean on me. Now I do the leaning and he stands strong. I imagine life will be like this always now -- we will always lean on each other when we need it. Don't get me wrong, I know I would be fine without him, but I wouldn't want to be.

On Thanksgiving day as I looked around the room at the couples (or the people who now no longer are married), I realized that of everyone there, my husband and I had the best relationship of them all. I thought I truly feel lucky to have him, despite what he put me through. It isn't the affair which defines him, it's the choices he made after that define him and his character. I am honestly proud of who he is. Do I hate this journey we went on? Absolutely. But is it part of our love story? Yes. Am I happy with where we are? Absolutely and that part I wouldn't give up for the world. Life is truly good now and we both are extremely happy and grateful.

BS - me 42 on DD
FWH - him 44 on DD
Married 21 years on DD
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2015
id 7714653
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 5:26 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2016

I try not to post too much on this thread...but this is truly the thread I go to FIRST every time I get on this site. Your story...W3IRZ ...was one I felt compelled to comment on. THANK YOU for sharing this!!

I could have written so much of what you wrote...it was a very eye opening experience to see my FWH become the man I knew from the beginning of our journey together...and not stay THAT man. The man who thought he could have "more"...and as long as I didn't know...I would never get hurt. That kind of thinking NEVER works...and I am confident that this will never happen to US again .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 7714776
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countrydirt ( Member #55758) posted at 3:06 PM on Saturday, December 17th, 2016

Today is our 28th anniversary. I consider it the brightest one so far as we've survived the darkest and bleakest times of our marriage in the past 6 months.

3 sons (mostly grown)
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 293   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 7731658
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 4:01 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2017

It has been just weeks since DDay and I am surprised at our progress. Ever since that day we took the fork in the road that has us leaning into each other. The result is a closeness like we have never had before, and a great, great, great deal of individual and collective healing.

We were the ones that told each other how lucky we were to have such a great marriage. And then I found out. Like everyone else, I was devastated beyond my wildest imagination. But Here is how we came out of our break:

* We went to MC

* We read the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It helped us put down our walls and understand the process before us. It helped us lean into each other deliberately with a roadmap to our healing. The book is kind of a "what to expect" book that took down our individual and collective resistance.

* We are truly vulnerable with each other - we extract our true feelings (fear, shame...) to get to the core issues. We are reading "Rising Strong" by Dr. Brene Brown who helps individuals understand how to get beyond masking our pain to move through it honestly and live a whole, authentic life.

* We make time for each other daily and my WH is sensitive to my needs for healing. I am also sensitive to his needs and rather than blame, I seek to understand him.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am grateful that we have these resources to help us dig down deeply and figure out how we can rebuild into a new, stronger relationship.

If you had told me prior to DDay that I would be in this position, and particularly working together with my WH, I would have told you there is no way I could stay. I was the one who judged others harshly, but relationships are complex and such judgement meaningless. While I would never recommend this situation to anyone, I can honestly say that we have become much closer to each other and are mindful of the model we set for our children. This issue really helped us uncover the dysfunction in many of our relationships that we can now set on a path to healing.

The future is bright but it also scares me. I see from other posts that it takes years to heal and I hope our path continues to more forward positively.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 10:57 AM, January 15th (Sunday)]

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 7757878
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woundedbear ( Member #52257) posted at 5:06 PM on Wednesday, January 18th, 2017

Today was a good day. We have had so many good days in the last year.

When Dday happened, I was determined to fight for my wife. Not the pick me dance, nor the 180 that many advocate, but a combination of putting my foot down and forgiveness. TT took a while and I found out things I never wanted to know about her and her brokenness. I am kind of glad it came out slowly. I am not sure I could handle all of it at once. It turns out this was not her first. It turns out that one EA was really bad and another EA that was going on was not as involved. But there were PAs before that that were short lived, but betrayals non the less.

She did the work, so did I. She needed my strength and determination. She also needed me to try to understand, but not put up with any backsliding.

So here is the positive part of the story. We are great friends again, and frequent lovers. Communication is great, and she is not angry anymore. She is on meds for depression, that has made a huge difference. We have gotten through most of the second year blah, and we are doing well. Best of all, we are planning our future again...looking ahead. So today, I booked our trip to Germany for the fall. We both picked it out and worked on having the time off of work. It is exciting to be looking ahead again, instead of looking behind.

Me BS (52)
FWW (52)
DDay 3/10/2015
Married 30 years, together 34
2 kids, high school and grown

posts: 228   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 7760836
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W3IRZ ( Member #48882) posted at 2:14 PM on Saturday, January 21st, 2017

Countrydirt- that's how I look at anniversaries too. Anyone can stay married without some huge devastation. But the marriages that survive traumas - those are truly to be respected.

Woundedbear- I love your description- you didn't do the pick me dance or the 180. You did a combination. I think all too often people think it's an all or nothing. True reconciliation requires flexibility in finding the right path.

BS - me 42 on DD
FWH - him 44 on DD
Married 21 years on DD
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2015
id 7763510
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ShovelGal ( Member #57020) posted at 10:00 PM on Thursday, January 26th, 2017

Ok, we are working on R, honestly still in the spin. But I think its important to recognize moments where he really gets it right. WH is deployed so R has been extra rough lately, but today my doorbell rang and UPS had a package for me. Our birthday (we have the same one) is next week so I figured that it was my gift. Now H SUCKS at gifts, he has for most of our relationship. Not that he doesn't give them or that he's cheap, its more like his image of romantic or thoughtful is off. For example I received a photo printer for Christmas...

Anyway this has been an issue for a long time, one thing I've said he can do to show me his investment is to try and put thought into gifts. Cost is irrelevant, a piece of paper with a poem, one that expresses real meaning, is more valuable to be than a diamond. Its honest, its from his heart. Ok drifting again, sorry.

Back to today, so I open my gift, praying its not a new universal remote, and a jewelry box pops out...little worried cause his taste in jewelry isn't mine... Its a simple silver pendant, one I'd admired on a website and sent to my BFF, who is probably helping my husband learn to be romantic Its a love equation necklace. Most people would have put the day we got married or date of proposal, but he chose the day I asked him out, because I was tired of waiting for him to get up the courage to ask lol. I don't know why, but it was perfect, if they'd asked, it wouldn't have been the date I'd have chosen, yet it was better. I wish I could bottle this feeling and save it for some of the down moments, because right now, I feel seen, I feel like he's putting thought and energy into proving his love for me. I feel like I made the right choice to fight this out.

“If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.”

The dream broke 3/29/16, still picking up the pieces

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: KS
id 7768205
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psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 5:14 PM on Saturday, January 28th, 2017

I've posted here a few times before, and maybe this will be my final post. That's GOOD!

My journey into the world of infidelity began in September 2014. I'm not the same woman today as I was then. And seriously, the changes I've gone through are almost all for the better. I know, it's hard to believe anyone would say that. But in my case, I needed to have my world rocked to open to my eyes to the truths of my marriage, my fWH, and ultimately myself. I was 20 pounds overweight, was exercising sporadically, kept a box of wine in the fridge and had at least one glass most nights (sometimes more than 1). I was living on autopilot. My marriage was a mess. Basically two people living parallel existences under one roof. We raised 2 daughters and our oldest had moved to another city and was in graduate school while our youngest was starting her senior year of high school when the bomb dropped.

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. The signs were all there but I simply ignored them. I honestly didn't care. But never in my imagination did I suspect an affair. And 3? Well, that was why I was blindsided and DDay was such a shock to me.

But we survived. And while I got some blowback here on SI for how I handled things at times, I went with my gut and it seems to have served me well. My biggest deviation from the SI script was that I fought to FIX HIM. I saw him as damaged and only I could help him see what I believed he needed to see to fix himself. Where I was wrong is in believing early on (first 8 months or so) that if he were "fixed" then all our problems would be solved. Ah, the innocent mind of a newbie

Yes, fixing the fWS is necessary, but it does not solve all problems. My fWH went to IC, went NC immediately, and jumped in with all he had to try to fix the mess he'd created. I give him a lot of credit for being a "good example" of a truly remorseful spouse worthy of R.

Today, we still talk about things, but now it's more in reflection of where he was, where we were, and where we are today and how we want our life together to be going forward. There are likely a few blow ups still in our future, but that's predictably falling aside as well. I have not sat down and organized all of my words of wisdom, those words I'd like to share with others in hopes of helping them through their own journey. Having been there myself, I will always be one of them. One of you. Always.

And another change from early on, is that I have come to be comfortable in the knowledge that I will truly never know if he is completely "safe" or not. There are no guarantees, no pinky promises that this will never happen again. For the longest time that is the level of safety I was seeking -- to feel that it would never happen again, that I would forever be safe and not have to deal with anything resembling this again. Today, I feel comfortable in knowing that if something did happen, I would be okay. The worst has happened. I survived. And I would survive again, but in a much different fashion.

For me, for us, this is our only shot at R. After all we have been through together, all the knowledge gained, there is simply no way we could enter this again. At least I will not. And that is okay for me to accept. I could go on and on about all the lovely things fWH now says about me, all the ways he respects and admires me and is "in love" with me all over again. But that really is less important than how I feel about myself. I do appreciate that he loves me, that we are creating together a very good life, a life we should have been working on many years ago. We wasted a lot of time. It took this to wake us up, and that will always be a part of our story. I don't believe that his affairs were "the best thing to happen to me", but I know without it, we would not be where we are today. It forced us to grow up, to be vulnerable to ourselves and with one another. We are both different people today because of what he did, and what we chose to do together to move forward in our marriage despite the massive wound he inflicted upon us.

Also, it helps that I better understand his whys. I think I saw them from dday1, and many of my fights (horrible, horrible blows that seem almost unbelievable looking back) with him was to force him to keep proving over and over again that that early understanding that I'd formed was correct. His consistency, never showing doubt in what he wanted, his commitment to me and our family. . . that kept me afloat when I felt myself sinking under. It took him to get us here. But it's taken both of us to get where we are today.

For those just starting out, you can have hope that your marriage can survive and yes, really, it can be better than ever after the affair/s. But to get there, you must be willing to accept many painful truths, look them square in the eyes, and watch as your strength in facing these truths grows and the truths no longer hurt as much as they did at the beginning. You will heal. Your life will return to normal, however you choose to define that. While I may be stepping away from SI, I will check in periodically and respond to any messages I receive from members. I do hope to use my knowledge to help others in real life. Peace to all of you reading this. And thank you to all who have walked next to me and supported me along the way. I am forever in your debt.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 7769768
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resentmentfear ( New Member #57356) posted at 7:34 PM on Thursday, February 9th, 2017

Not sure this is the right forum. We are working hard to heal after his A. I see him trying in many ways. Sometimes though I worry he's not truly repentant. I keep waiting to find out he's not really done, even though there is no evidence of him having contact. I want very much to forgive, but I am not there yet. I guess this isn't very positive. I am looking for hope that other's who are making it work ever felt this way. I found out about the affair december 2015, so just over year. Looking for words of wisdom.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: WI
id 7781379
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Godloves ( New Member #57370) posted at 2:51 PM on Friday, February 10th, 2017

I am new to this group today. D-Day was over 5 years ago. My W had a long-term affair with a co-worker,and was in agony over ending it- but she did. Got a new job and, I believe, has left the A in her rear view mirror. We have made progress, but still have not recaptured "that loving feeling" and she can hardly stand to show me physical affection and we are not currently sexually active. In the first year of R we read books like Passionate Marriage and had substantial couples counseling. About 5 months ago she initiated a conversation about it, which was a real step forward, but acting on it has been another thing. We are in our early/mid 50's with 3 beautiful kids, mostly gone.

Where I see lots of positives, including our plans for the future,yet the lack of affection, etc weakens me every day. I have a strong belief in God, and I pray for courage and patience every day,but still I find myself "on the fence" about all of this, and the lack of affection, etc keeps the A front and center with me. She avoids confrontation, and so if/when I try to initiate conversation about us, she shuts down, and so best to let her bring it up like she did 5 months again. All in all, our R has been positive, but I believe you all understand how important the affection part can be for some of us. and it tends to cast a shadow over the successes. Anyway, God Bless all of you for surviving this experience, I am convinced other don't understand it if they haven't experienced it. So I would appreciate any constructive/object feedback from folks like you who understand this situation, especially any other men out there.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2017
id 7782006
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Oldwounds ( Member #54486) posted at 9:59 PM on Monday, February 13th, 2017

A repost from recon forum -- first post of mine that makes me feel like life is actually moving forward again:

Well, here we are. It is Valentine's Day eve and it lands on 8-months since 'discovery' day.

A couple hundred days or so of holy sh** this is my reality?!

For real.

Far more than our love story interrupted -- it was torn to shreds and then kept secret for a really long time.

The story is in my profile, so no real need to go over it again. And honestly, I'm about worn out from thinking about it all. I need a break. I need a break from triggers, from the nightmares and the nearly indescribable pain associated with betrayal.

I love the SI. You all, and I do mean all of you in some form or fashion got me to this day: Either by sharing your own pain or trying to help me with mine.

You rock.

You do. You totally rock.

Thank you does not do my appreciation any justice. But thanks all the same.

My wife has pretty much done everything but back flips over the last eight months, anything to show she is changing, has changed and will do whatever it takes to make our M work. The completely 'All In' looks good on her, and I hadn't seen or felt it in years and years. She is actually still a great athlete, I bet she is willing to throw in a back flip as well.

I think because our wonderful sons are grown, and we're financially strong enough to take the M or leave it, it has made for a choice. A choice for me and for her -- and we have chosen each other.

A lot of debates on whether an A has any benefits, but I like the analogy that I saw on a Ted Talk - "no one would recommend an affair for a couple anymore than one would wish cancer on an individual, but each offers a new perspective on life on the other side of the trauma."

Cancer isn't a great comparison, it took my Dad away early. But it is something that can be survived. Heck, it's the name on the door here.

SI has been HUGE helping me through this first stage of shock and horror. Plenty of pain yet to push through, many more days of my wife proving our new world is here to stay and well, just more work yet to do. Reconciliation continues. Healing continues.

Less time sweating the bits I can't control and enjoying the good moments as they happen. Yeah, some flowers, candy and a nice meal tomorrow -- no back flips. We will keep it simple and spend another day being kind to each other.

Peace to you. Thank you. You glorious humans who unfortunately understand this unique hurt we've all had handed to us.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4175   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 7784516
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tessthemess ( Member #56395) posted at 5:20 AM on Monday, February 20th, 2017

My fwh is emotionally immature. But he shows genuine remorse and is working hard at changing his personality to benefit his family. It's not easy and he isn't quite there yet as far as being where I'd like him to be but the effort is there and he is trying to put into place healthier coping mechanisms so that he can be a safe partner and a better father.

We have been on a mini family trip this family day weekend, and being together 24/7 for over 48hrs has put a little emotional strain on his ability to cope. Shortly put, the old him (pre affair) would have begun cutting me down with criticism and would have likely begun yelling at the kids, with me wondering how I ever thought a trip including him would be a good idea and wishing I was single. Actually, I probably would have just suggested to him the week before that I'd like to take the kids on a trip and left him behind and gone with a girlfriend or even on my own. The very idea of a family trip including him used to fill me with anxiety, our marriage in many ways was me as the mom and caregiver/housekeeper and him as the touchy handyman with benefits who'd babysit the kids when I was out.

So what was the result of this family experiment with the "new" fwh? He had some moments of coping struggles, and chose to take a walk and photograph us from a distance while I looked at exhibits with the girls for a time but then came back. He was stern and upset while driving on a few occasions but didn't yell, just insisted that we have some quiet time for the next half hour and put on music. He had one issue with the way I handled our bungled pizza delivery but didn't make a huge deal out of it and it resolved itself. On the way out to the cabin for our final sleepover he said he was pumped we had a successful family trip. He was generally pleasant, played with the kids, and thanked me for helping out so much with the girls at the museum.

While this isn't a perfect fwh, it is a greatly improved fwh. I am disgusted that he shocked me with the A, that he was so fucked up that he really thought his relationship with COW was appropriate for months while I actively insisted that it wasn't, until he dived into a PA and then gaslit me for weeks until he woke up and realized he was the one fucking everything up the whole time. And while it almost destroyed us once and for all, it also served as a major wake up call to him, that he was responsible for so much of the hurt in our marriage, that his resentment towards me was so destructive, and that there were healthy ways of dealing with issues he had.

We are pretty fresh out of DDay but if he keeps this up then I might just stick around

Free Bird, 36. STBXH, 36
EA confirmed Nov. '16, PA exposed Dec 11, 2016.
No longer a mess.
Separated and heading towards D as of June 1, 2018.
"It's a good life if you don't weaken." - Gord Downie

posts: 1443   ·   registered: Dec. 12th, 2016   ·   location: The Great White North
id 7790513
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PeaceLily210 ( Member #48607) posted at 10:06 PM on Tuesday, February 21st, 2017

Thanks W2BHA for suggesting that I post this here.

This is a positive post from a thread I started in R forum.

I noticed last week that I was starting to feel happy when I thought of FWH and myself, our relationship, and our future. He's changed a lot. Our M has changed a lot. But we're still "US" when we're together. We are laughing, and enjoying each other like we used to. We talk and talk and talk, like we used to.

Today I noticed something else new. I realized this morning that I hardly thought of the A over the long weekend. WH and I were busy with family, family issues, church, and then had a relaxing fun day enjoying the spring weather on Sunday afternoon... like we used to. Yesterday I ran a lot of errands. We talked at lunch. I did some shopping and cooking. Then we watched a movie last night.

This morning I got to work and started getting hit with constant reminders (MY new boss shares OW's name ) and suddenly it hit me... I'd hardly thought of it all weekend. It wasn't in the forefront of my mind like it's been for 2 years. I can think of a few times over the weekend that it popped into my head, but it didn't alter my mood or stick around.

I've always been a person that loves the Spring and Summer. I enjoy fall and winter in some ways but nothing close to my feelings for spring and summer. The last two years I struggled to enjoy my favorite things. Don't get me wrong, I DID enjoy them... but it was because I made myself get out there and keep busy. I had to focus hard on doing things I enjoyed. What I really wanted to do was run away and hide under a rock somewhere. I used my favorite activities as a method to soothing and healing myself. But yesterday I ran down to the beach for about an hour to hunt for shells and seaglass... just because. It was somewhat warm and it popped into me head that I wanted to swing over to my favorite beach. (I"m so lucky to live here - my favorite beach is less than 5 minutes from where I was shopping) It wasn't to ease my pain, soothe my bruised spirit or take my mind off of FWH's betrayal... I didn't even realize the difference until today when I began reflecting back on a weekend without the A in my head.

I know the roller coaster ride isn't over. But for today I'm enjoying reflecting on the positive progress. It feels good.

Me-BS Him-WH (Razorbyrd)
DDay1 2/10/15 EA-he was in love
DDay2 5/29/15 TT still emailing OW & others
4/21/16, 10/3/17, 11/3/17 SO much TT
11/30/18 TT - Admits PA with ExGF in 2014

posts: 1863   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2015   ·   location: By the sea
id 7792117
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Craztcat829 ( Member #57788) posted at 9:21 PM on Friday, March 10th, 2017

I am glad to see this topic. I believe there is not enough out there about those of us who work through and survive. We are 4 years out-DD was 3/27/17. It has NOT been easy and reconciliation is not for the feint of heart. Both parties MUST be committed to the process or it will not work. We had MC and IC. Many changes were needed and we have come through and are better for it. Is it perfect? NO nothing is but it is so much better than before. My prayers go with us all.

Me 61
fWH 64
DD 3/27/13
Married 36+ years
R and stronger and wiser

posts: 398   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2017   ·   location: PA
id 7806062
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sunwillshine ( Member #47200) posted at 6:46 AM on Monday, March 20th, 2017

2 years and one month out and this weekend we attended Retrovaille. I am so very hopeful and optimistic. I am forgiving and moving forward. My fwh ' s willingness and actions have shown me how much he loves me and how remorseful he is. He is becoming the man he has wanted to be and I see us making it. Of course there is more hard work ahead and we will always be a work in progress. Today I know I am in a new marriage, the marriage I have always deserved and wanted.

D-day 2/12/15
5 DD (3 his, 2 mine) all grown
married 9/97 together 8/94.
Moved back in 5/30/16 working on R

posts: 1136   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2015
id 7813495
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hurtsx2 ( New Member #57563) posted at 5:57 PM on Friday, March 31st, 2017

My FWH was having a stressful work day. I decided to try and cheer him up by sending him a picture. Not something I would normally do but I decided to be spontaneous and see what happened.. I sent him a picture of me in a tshirt and underwear, nothing racy, nothing trashy like OW used to

I was very happily surprised that he immediately drove home from work, in the middle of a busy day! It was a real ego boost for me 😊 and he even said "thank you, you're amazing, you make me so happy" before he left to go back to work! Might not seem like much, but after almost a year from Dday there are still very few times that I feel sexy or special. This was a good day!

posts: 40   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2017
id 7824126
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Msolis ( New Member #58172) posted at 2:14 PM on Thursday, April 6th, 2017

We have been talking a lot more and he seems very happy with how things are going, I am listening more and giving him more of my time, which I found to be something I was not doing much before which pushed him away. I am happy as well, but still working on the trust issues, but I can feel me getting stronger in that area daily.

Praying , trusting and just spending time with God has helped me in the moments I do not feel as strong .

posts: 1   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 7829335
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