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Reconciliation :
Positive Reconciliation Stories


Empowered ( member #54270) posted at 3:09 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

Ok....never posted on this thread before but wanted to recognise some positives that have occurred recently.....

My rugsweeping WH has finally started initiating talks, getting me to open up about my feelings no matter how much it hurts him, he is being supportive, he stopped binge drinking of his own accord and pulled himself round without my help.....that's a biggie!!!! He is trying to build my self confidence, gain my trust and help with my anxiety issues. He randomly comes up to me and holds me in his arms just to tell me "we will be ok, I love you so much"

It's a start. I still feel sad, but it's a good start, right?

posts: 1049   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2015
id 7614912

StillStanding1 ( member #40144) posted at 4:59 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

I'm not sure why, but I don't visit the R forum much.... But I saw want2Bhappyagain's post and decided I would post some positivity in this thread.... (fingers crossed that I'm not jinxing myself... )

We are about 3.5 years from Dday. Ours, like many, was ugly. Found out 2 of my kids had known for months. It was a mess. He moved out. My kids and I were wrecks. He was not the perfectly remorseful spouse that looked like a great candidate for R. But we had many years of a great M and 3 amazing kids and I wasn't sure that I could throw all of that away without giving our M and our family a chance.

We did MC. We did Retrouvaille. We got our DD in IC. We had our sons do some C also. We were trying, but it was often 2 steps forward, one step back. I didn't find this place right away. I did SO many things wrong. Oh yes, I was dancing the pick-me and all that. He said that he wanted to R, but he was still struggling to disconnect with his AP. We did read some books and we gave it effort. But it was still a struggle.

I give this history to give hope to those who are struggling. My R didn’t follow SI protocol/recommendations. I wish I had found SI sooner… I am certain the good advice here would’ve helped. But, despite that, here is what my M is like today:

My H is kind, loving, affectionate, thoughtful, and proactive. He tells me he loves me all the time and also how lucky he is to have me. He works hard to speak my Love Languages, and I his. We snuggle on the couch even when watching the news. We enjoy each other’s company. We trained together all last summer to do a Tough Mudder with 3 other couples and a 50K hike for CF in the fall. He’s been totally supportive of me through my job search and now as I adjust to being full-time again. He helps with projects around the house. We do many together.

For a long time, he kept business entertaining to the bare minimum (that was his alibi for all his evenings with his AP and a huge trigger for me). Now, if he has to work late, he calls from his office phone, so I can see the caller ID. (Otherwise, he always uses his cell phone, so this is a conscious behavior even 3+ years later). He calls and keeps me updated when he is out for business. He often sends a photo of where he is or who he is with, so that I can rest assured that he’s being truthful. He’s sensitive to things that might trigger me (and if he misses one, he senses right away that I’m triggering and checks if I’m okay and/or apologizes).

Our sex life is really good and frequent. I still have invasive thoughts… I’m not sure when that goes away, if ever, but I’m being honest.

If I look at his actions, (and writing this all out has been good), he is doing an amazing job in R. On the “words” side, maybe not so perfect. I’d like to hear more often that he thinks about it. We don’t talk about it much anymore. I don’t think we’ve rugswept this in any way, but sometimes I’d still like to talk about it. I do know that he’s trying hard and wants to move forward. I do too. But I still think about it a lot and the hurt is still there. I often wish that he would proactively bring it up, so that the onus wasn’t on me. However, like I said, his actions are good.

And, as far as my kids go, he’s worked very hard to re-establish trust and bonds with the boys. They are all in a seemingly good place. My DD is another story. That has been a source of deep pain for me. She was devastated by all this. So very angry and even 3 years out, was having meltdowns when home for breaks. For years, she barely spoke to him. This summer, things seem to be turning a corner. He has written letters and attempted to talk to her before. A few weekends ago, they actually went shopping for a phone together and stopped for coffee. He asked if she would spend some time with him on a day off (she works at a summer overnight camp and is rarely home) and talk…. She AGREED! That is huge progress.

So, please know there is HOPE. Not all WS fall in line immediately. You might get advice to kick them to the curb if they don’t. I’m not saying I recommend my path, but want you to know that if you know, deep down, that your WS is a decent human being who veered way off the path of decency and morality and made horrible decisions for years…. It MAY still be possible to R.

The H is see today is the person that I fell in love with. The person he was during and immediately after his A was often an alien inside my H’s body. I still can’t wrap my head around those transformations completely. And as I told a great SI friend and supporter yesterday, if that alien beast ever appears again, I will not hesitate to behead it immediately!!!! Warm hugs to all of you on this forum!

Me: BS50s Him: WH50s
M 25 years - DD DS DS
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday - 2/13, S for 1 year, now R

posts: 1632   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 7614983

WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 5:27 PM on Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

I love reading these stories, as I am not yet "there".

But I am trying to work on being positive, so.....

I can happily report that after a horrible childhood and bad FOO issues (him), infidelity 10 years ago (him), and 4 times "failing" at MC (us), my FWH and I will be starting IC in about a week.

He has always been willing to go to MC with me if I set it up, but never IC. He is afraid of the emotions it may raise.

But he has now agreed! That is positive, right?

And Lord knows I can use the help, too!

Thanks want2bhappyagain for encouraging us to post here.

So my positive story isn't quite as fabulous as most of the ones posted here, but it's positive for us.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:28 AM, July 23rd (Saturday)]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8218   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 7615005

Nanatwo ( member #45274) posted at 3:32 AM on Sunday, July 24th, 2016

We are 28 months post DDay2 - we are doing very well - but two things happened this past week that really reinforced how far we've come. First, due to the circumstances our adult daughter knew of both DDays. We have not discussed the affair in a long time, but the other night we were just chatting and she told me she could see the positive changes in fWH and our marriage. She told me that at first she thought I was a fool for staying but now she thought I would be a fool for leaving. Also, fWH has very rarely initiated discussing the A-but has always been very supportive when I need to talk. The other night he was watching the new Dierks Bentley video online "It's Different for Girls" about how men and women react differently to breakups. It has a scene of a woman curled up in bed obviously heartbroken. He called me into the room, replayed the video and when it got to that scene he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "This is how I made you feel and I am so sorry for that." Seeing how remorseful he is, the way he acknowledges the pain this has caused, the work he has done to become a better husband tells me I made the right choice in choosing R.

Time heals what reason cannot. Seneca

First the truth. Then, maybe, reconciliation. Louise Penny

posts: 618   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2014   ·   location: Indiana
id 7615373

sunwillshine ( member #47200) posted at 7:13 AM on Sunday, July 24th, 2016

This is going to be long...or it just wouldn't make sense. I moved back in with my fwh at the end of May. There have been two instances where he really lost his temper and got very angry. I have been suffering from complex ptsd and his anger always triggers an episode. So there were two episodes triggered by him and then two weeks ago, just before we were able to get in to see the mc, I had another episode (not triggered by him). In that episode, I injured myself by falling, pretty bad bruse. Very much a wake up call.

So, I meet with my ic, who is now really pushing for inpatient treatment for me. We had talked about it last year, but I'm really struggling with the cost. Fwh is now looking at trying to refinance the house.

After the first two angry outburst by fwh, he did start looking into what he can do about his anger issues.

Fast forward 3 weeks, after I met with my ic, we had an mc appointment. The mc was helping me relay/enforce my boundaries around his anger. In that session he gets angry with the mc and shuts down. Fortunately, I had group therapy directly after, so face to face support. I was really concerned that my fwh was not going to get it and we would need to separate again.

That night, fwh comes home, apologizes for his anger/shut down at mc, tells me that he realized how frightening that must have been for me and opens up about what made him trigger like that. He then proceeded to call the mc and make amends to him. The following week (this Thursday) we have a very productive mc session, boundaries established and agreed upon.

All that leads up to Friday. I spent an hour on the phone with the inpatient trauma treatment center for the prescreen to get the process started. I have an episode after getting off the phone. I text my ic and fwh. Fwh comes home from work to take care of me. He makes sure I do my treatment (I'm using an Alpha-Stim) feeds me lunch, helps me lay down for a nap. IC texts back, by then I feel okay and let her know how I am.

After the nap, talking with fwh, I get triggered because he doesn't remember something about us that I think he should. He has big memory lapses. Anyway, we argue, he doesn't lose his temper. I go for a drive and can't pull out of it. Later that night, I finally give in and take the anti-anxiety medicine that I hate taking.

This morning I'm still in a funk. Fwh is gentle and patient. He talks me into a short walk, almost a melt down there. He is kind and reassuring the whole time, and I am not being nice. He once again gets me set up with my treatment, feeds me lunch, and then, he really goes above and beyond. I have been really struggling with getting my work done. So he goes into my home office with me and helps me focus enough to get several of the most pressing things done.

Who is this man? Is he the one I would occasionally glimpse that he tried so hard to hide? He is doing the work on himself to heal the brokenness that shattered us both. Today I feel more hope than I have since d-day 17 months ago.

D-day 2/12/15
5 DD (3 his, 2 mine) all grown
married 9/97 together 8/94.
Moved back in 5/30/16 working on R

posts: 1136   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2015
id 7615466

Scpprisch72 ( new member #54445) posted at 10:52 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2016

Hello everyone

I guess I will start by saying next month my beautiful wife and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage. We have always loved each other and yet we hurt one another the worst possible way. We 5 great kids and we married young and the stress of life came fast. Skipping ahead I was first the WH in a one night stand at 10 years married I was very naive and I was honest with her and naive about her feelings. I didn't realize I crushed her. I am not sure of specifics but she began her story which for me lasted over a year. Then when I became aware I was devestated at what I was finding out. I never learned the whole story and today it dont matter because now I know she was sorry and ashamed and she changed and we were trying to reconcile but After awhile I didn't think I would ever let go of my resentful feelings. We loved each other but we were not connected the way we once were. So any that brings me to now 8mos ago I began a EA not realizing why or how I got in so deep so fast. My wife was aware of this and I was oblivious to the point everything in my marriage in my mind was damaged and ugly and I thought I found what I had been looking for my whole life. I was going to abandon everything. Well let me tell you about my wife she loved me though all of this unconditionally I expected a different response altogether. She knew I was not myself and no matter what showed me love and not one bit of contempt and slowly the walls I built started to crumble. I really didnt think she loved me anymore. And the more grace love compassion and forgiveness she showed made me realize that I wanted my wife all along. I had difficulty end the EA until I understood the facts of what I was involved with And knew I did not ever want anyone but my wife. I learned as much as I could through this, so I could understand and stop this madness. As much as I cared about the AP I realized that It just had to be severed fast with a no contact letter and thats all I will say about that.

So through all of this my resentful was there egging me on and I thought how can I recommit to my marriage with this and I made a decision that I will tell her one last time and ask her the same questions one last time and then I am letting go forever. And like that I felt released and Told her that I was sorry for not forgiving her. She loved me when I was unlovable she forgave me a hundred times over she put up with me shaming her she showed me grace when she could have left. She taught me how to forgive because when you forgive you can grow. I am ashamed and sorry for the things I have done in my marriage and I just thank God that I still have the chance to grow old with the Wife I married. Sorry for rambling.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2016
id 7623502

Lovewinssometime ( member #54286) posted at 7:34 AM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2016

Scpprisch72... A lovely story. I wish you and your wife a wonderful future. Life is too short to hold on to resentment. Like you said if you can forgive you can grow. All the best to you :-)

Me:BS 35
Him:FWS 40
Dday: 2016 January TT til JUly, (full story in profile)
Currently in R, it’s hard work.. but so far so good and worth it. We were blessed with a beautiful baby daughter in April :-)

"Be your own hero"

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: Uk
id 7623774

authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 2:31 AM on Saturday, August 20th, 2016

D-day: 8/19/07

Back then it felt like time couldn't pass quickly enough. Just get us through this! Please let me get through this! was on my mind constantly.

That and, please help me heal, let me get through this pain, give me strength and self-awareness, help me know what to do. Constant prayers going through my mind.

My heart hurt, I was stressed and anxious through every ounce of my being. I didn't know which end was up.

Here we are, 9 years later. We are healed.

I gave LD a card today, just expressing my love and gratitude for him and the man he is. His willingness to bet on me, on us, time and time again, has humbled me.

What a journey. Healing is possible.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 7639057

sadbuttrying ( member #52791) posted at 7:58 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2016

My WH acknowledged today is 5 months since D-day.

It may seem small but it meant so much to me. he sent me a text apologizing and letting me know he knew this would be a hard day. This was such a positive step for us. I am happy to see today how far we've come since D-day, to see his effort and compassion. Gives me hope!

Married 8 years, Together 10
d-day April 8th 2016 most recent PA
May 22 TT learned about 2nd PA
3 years actively searching for SA on dating sites
DDAY#2 10-29-20 drug relapse (2 years using behind my back)
"People don’t cheat because of wh

posts: 633   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2016
id 7655673

lostanddmged0325 ( new member #54324) posted at 2:26 PM on Thursday, September 15th, 2016

Just needing to post my feelings today.

It was great morning and hopefully for great day!

Oh how I love him!

Heard some hopefully words from BH. We are moving forward, it will be long and hard but will be worth it!

These comments give me such hope for his forgiveness one day and our R.

"I have had days and times that I do not think about it"

"I see my life happier with you in it, I love you that is why I am trying"

"I know you are working hard and becoming a better person"

"Have great day Baby (he called baby) and Be safe driving"

After every positive comment I always say thank you for and thank you for trying to forgive.

I also tell him how thankful and grateful I am for trying everyday. I also keep working on fixing myself and issues.

Believe me I know that he could still say he just cannot be with me. But I am grateful and thankful for every moment,and day that I have with him. yes I tell me that I am.

I wish I could undo all the harm and pain I have caused him. I also know that I do not ever expect his complete trust again.

But I am hopefully that one day to again have his respect but trust never, I will always check in with him, not hold back feelings,lie, nor cheat again.

I wait the day that I hear from him that he has forgiven me, I know that day is a long way off. But everyday I will show and prove to him that I am not that selfish and hurtful woman anymore.

I will show him and prove that I care for him, love, and want him only.

I do not PM with anyone on SI, I do not respond to any Male, WH or BH responses or questions.

I only respond to females, WW, BW or Female MH.

This rule for me for life and Boundary I have set for me for SI and Outside SI.

Praying and Working everyday to heal and fix myself so that I am Better person and wife.

God Bless us all and God help us all to heal.

One day at time, Keep healing

posts: 34   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2016
id 7661447

Lovewinssometime ( member #54286) posted at 9:35 AM on Thursday, September 29th, 2016

I just wanted to post briefly.. We are still early out of dday. (Feb 2016.. Loads of TT til May) it was all very foggy at the beginning.. Shock.. Pain... Complete emotional turmoil. I think i pulled us through the first few months. Then hr came out of 'that fog' he goes to IC. Back to church. Has never told me once to get over it or got defensive over questions. Never blamed me. Always owned his shit. Always says sorry. Always hold me if i cry. Comes home from work early if im having a bad day. Checks in without me asking... He Put a tracker on his phone. He went and spoke to my parents... (They dont know it all just that he cheated. Thats enough for them. They couldnt bare the real truth and i dont want that for them) I have a better hold on my emotions now. I dont go down the rabbit hole as much as i used to. I have come to a place of acceptance instead of "I wish you just stopped" because he didnt and its happened. He IS a good man. He always has been. And i love him so very much. We have become closer on a level i didnt think possible. Now he shares his feelings and its even refreshing to hear him pissed off about something (he never showed any negative emotion ever. Just found a silver lining for everything! There is positivity and then there is unrealistic!) hooray hes now a real human and not striving for unrealistic perfection! My point is... Things are better. So much better! and in the midst of the pain I forget to acknowledge what we are achieving together. Against all the odds.. It might actually be ok! There is a Long way to go and dont be fooled my eyes are wide open. But right now... Things are better. He shows me everyday who he wants to be.

God bless everyone.


Me:BS 35
Him:FWS 40
Dday: 2016 January TT til JUly, (full story in profile)
Currently in R, it’s hard work.. but so far so good and worth it. We were blessed with a beautiful baby daughter in April :-)

"Be your own hero"

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: Uk
id 7673330

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 3:38 PM on Thursday, October 6th, 2016

18 Months later...

I feel my wife's remorse and it's making reconciliation a whole lot easier.

I think I understand, as well as I am able, her whys. Are they good enough? Well... no, not really. Members tried to tell me, a long time ago, that no why, no explanation, no reason or causality, is ever going to be good enough because there's just no justification for infidelity. This is why they call it cheating, I suppose, but it doesn't make anyone feel any better about it. Still, I had to know, you know? I had to understand this, or at least understand that my understanding might just be understandably limited.

My wife is a good woman, who, like so many of us in this life, "imploded." That's her word for it, btw, one she used early on. She wanted to make a change, as she told me, and she did. Since then, she has continued to make changes, for herself, and I have to admit that I'm fairly impressed by how courageously and tenaciously she's embraced this journey of much healthier form of self-discovery. She's not perfect, of course, but on the whole I think she's become a pretty good rebuilder. Trust is being restored, but it's hard to ignore the feeling, sometimes, that I'm playing a game of Russian roulette. Eventually, if that trigger keeps getting pulled... well... you know.

I wish there was some sort of official "SI Survey" I could take. You know the ones with the statements and you're supposed to fill in the dots indicating whether you: "strongly agree, somewhat agree, don't give a shit, seriously?, or hell fucking no!" Early on I'd have been penciling in all of those hf'ing no's just on sheer principle alone. Today, though, I'm somewhat more agreeable than I was a year and a half ago. My wife deserves a lot of credit for that. She endured the rollercoaster with as much grace and mercy as she possibly could, I think. She's seen me become a pathetic wreck on the bathroom floor and twenty-four hours later, feeling like Captain Ahab... had my chest been a mortar, I'd have burst my hot heart's shell upon her.

I've recovered, I think, for the most part (feel free to debate that amongst yourselves). Pencil in that "somewhat agree" circle. I can still get a little unhinged now and again, instinctively wanting to fill in that "hell fucking no!" circle. Triggers, perhaps? Maybe. But at this point, I think that triggers are more apt to bring up some unresolved, or poorly resolved, issue or question that still needs addressing. Of course, along the way, I find a few more crumbs under the rug that I keep thinking should be pretty squeaky clean by now.

Detaching has been incredibly helpful for me, but it's not an easy concept to understand. I sort of look at it as two people who have struggled to weave the fabric of their lives together in some sort of grand tapestry, but have, instead, produced some horribly nebulous mass of entanglements. One night, my wife decided to take out a machete and start hacking away at that horrible mess of entanglements. Machetes are sharp weapons, though, and not to be used in such a wantonly destructive manner.

So, being the mature and wonderfully self-aware man that I am (wink), I pulled out my own machete, just to show that two could play at that game, and started doing a little hacking of my own. No, I didn't have a revenge affair. What I did do, however, was to start untangling that nebulous mess of issues, taking responsibility for what was mine, and gently--or so I'd like to remember it--handing my wife back what was hers. We didn't always agree, of course, and we still have some more untangling to do, some re-weaving of our own to do, but we now know where and how each of us went so terribly wrong.

Separating out our issues from each other, deconstructing the marriage in search of it's true (truer, truish, close enough) narrative, has been, and continues to be, a very eye-opening experience for both of us. How did my issues clash with hers? How did each of our skewed perspectives affect the narratives we wrote for ourselves, not just about our marriage, but about our own lives as well?

So... now, I find myself reading Gottman's book on the seven principles of a good marriage (it was recommended to me nearly a year ago). And as I read and reflect upon our marriage, I find myself thinking truly scary thoughts, like: am I ready to start working on forgiveness?

(What?! Ahhh!!! shake it off, shake it off, shake it off... I just wrote the f-word. It's okay. It's okay... it's oooookayyyy...)

I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive my wife for some of the things she did and said, but on the whole, I'm starting to understand why being open to the experience is so liberating. It feels good, letting go. It feels very good, indeed. And it's soooo much easier to forgive someone as remorseful as my wife seems to be. As heart-broken as I was on d-day, I knew there was one inescapable truth for me: I love my wife.

(Just don't tell her I wrote that. I don't want it going to her head.)

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6710   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 7679106

Mylight ( new member #53709) posted at 11:56 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2016

A few months ago I found out that my fiancé had been unfaithful through websites and had met someone whilst we split up. He continued to see her after we reconciled and I found out.

We are trying to work things through but I am finding it very difficult I can't believe a word he says to me. I no longer look at his emails phone or iPad for fear of what I might find as it hurt too much the last time.

He says that he has nothing to hide and encourages me to look but I am too coward to look for fear of what I might find and that I would have to finish with him which was so painful the last time.

I have very low self esteem and am forever looking at other women thinking that they are his type.

If I deviates from his pattern of communication I assume that he is talking to another woman.

He wants to get married but I have major doubts about his fidelity and can't commit right now until I am sure about him.

I know he loves me in his own warped way. I feel really weak and stupid and at times hate myself for goin back.

When we are together it is great but if his phone rings or I hear a text message on his phone my heart stops and I panic wondering if it's something that's going to spoil our time together.

In the past I have let go of partners for a lot less than this and not looked back but I am finding it hard to leave him.

I have never in my life been so hooked to someone else.

I seriously believe that there are no such hung as fidelity from a partner as it is so easy to cheat. Where are these faithful men? All my friends seem to have gone through this with their own relationships. It's really got me confused. Had I not checked his emails and phone I would still be oblivious to this now. Probably married. Those who have gone back are you not just waiting for the next Dday?

Really confused and disillusioned right now.


posts: 3   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2016
id 7690989

 SI Staff (original poster moderator #10) posted at 11:29 AM on Sunday, October 23rd, 2016


Please post in General or Reconciliation since this doesn't fit the forum description here.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact a moderator.

Thank you.

posts: 10034   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 7691148

likeapinball ( member #50073) posted at 3:33 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2016

Have to say I'm happy to be able post in this thread! Wasn't sure I would 13 months ago!

My husband had a LTA with a CW, for most of our marriage. Needless to say I was devastated. We didn't tell our children (14, 12 and 9 at the time). We still haven't. Our oldest daughter kept asking why we went outside so much! The only thing we ever said was that Mom and Dad are having a tough time talking about some things right now.

I think we were fortunate for a few reasons - first, my husband did EVERYTHING he could for me/us. He put in, an continues to do so, a lot of work. I had a very wise and dear friend who had gone through this and gave some awesome advice and of course everyone here at SI. I don't post much but reading about how others dealt with situations was a huge help!

Just wanted to share on this sunny, but blustery Friday! Hugs to all!

[This message edited by likeapinball at 9:38 AM, November 11th (Friday)]

BS,DD: Sep 26, 2015. Married 16 years at DD. WH had a LTA with MOW. Three kiddos 15, 13 and 11 at the time. In R

posts: 226   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 7705612

LoveTKO ( member #54298) posted at 4:51 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2016

I am almost a year from Dday. I still can't believe this is my life. I will never understand my FWH's affair with a MOW but I do understand and feel his unwavering love and devotion every day.

I have gone through many ups and downs this last year and I expect I will go through more but I am finally feeling a sense of peace. I love this man and look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I lost a good friend yesterday (cancer) and he cried with me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. He lost himself during the A and is a different person now. I can feel it.

I wouldn't believe it would be possible - I threw him out on Dday and said I wanted a divorce. I even saw an attorney and started the paperwork. I still think it was the best thing I could've done. It shocked him into reality and made him really examine his life and his feelings. He moved back 4 mos later. It's taken us a lot of counseling and work and tears but I finally feel as if we've turned a corner. Together.

Me: BW
Him: FWH
LTA one year with local MOW
Dday: 12/4/15
Done - separated

posts: 794   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2016   ·   location: MA
id 7707084

sadbuttrying ( member #52791) posted at 5:37 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2016

Well this is big for me...D-day came and went this month and it didn't tear me apart, I didn't cry, I didn't even realize it was d-day! Each month the 8th is rough, so much so my WH bought me a rose last month. He didn't get it at first but is starting to understand that day creates a trigger in me. This month I ran a 5k with my son, an evening race, his first my second! He is just a little mite (10 years old) my H was so proud of us, he had salmon ready for us when we came home. He asked me several times how I was feeling and I didn't even know why until the next was dday. I think he was relieved I didn't notice. I am so relieved! I don't want this to be a dark cloud over every month and this month showed progress!

Married 8 years, Together 10
d-day April 8th 2016 most recent PA
May 22 TT learned about 2nd PA
3 years actively searching for SA on dating sites
DDAY#2 10-29-20 drug relapse (2 years using behind my back)
"People don’t cheat because of wh

posts: 633   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2016
id 7707119

psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 10:59 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2016

At over 2 years since my DDays, I can say I feel a very real sense of calm and believe our R is well underway. I do believe there is hope after Infidelity. Hope that things can be turned around, hope that our waywards will "see the light" and open their eyes to what a gift they have in us. Life does go on, and I can testify that my marriage is far better than it was before dday1.

Finding out our spouse has been unfaithful is one of the hardest things most of us will ever go through. It makes us question our sanity, makes us take a long cold look at our WS as well as ourself. Most of us can use a bit of improving. And brother, this is the chance to get on that ride! Get healthy, take that yoga class, change up the diet, start writing that novel you've always dreamed of. If nothing else, our eyes are opened to the reality that our life is what we choose it to be.

If our WS figures out their stuff, they will marvel at how strong and interesting we are. They will see the high bar we've set for them to earn back our trust, and the bar we've set for ourself. Nothing less than 115% effort on their part to win back their place in our life and heart. And from this strength in our own character will come a realization.... that we will be okay even if our relationship with our WS fails. We will be stronger than we were before, and that opens so many new doors for us.

My FWS has worked steadily for over 2 years now to help me heal and earn back his place in our family. He has learned a lot about himself through work with 2 ICS and our MC. He reminds me often how thankful he is that he's been allowed to remain a part of my life, a part of our daughters lives. He recognizes the lies he told himself back then, is ashamed of what he did, what he allowed himself to believe. Like me, he struggles to understand the man he was and dislikes him as much as I do.

We have recently completed a kitchen remodeling together. Lots of stress, but we've used this opportunity to practice our new ways of being married. We are making decisions together, working side by side. Tempers flare at times, but we know now how to get past it. So much has changed. Including myself. I want this marriage to work. I do love this flawed man. We've been together 25 years, and he tells me often that we WILL grow old together. But, should he choose to betray me again, all my questions will have already been answered, and I will walk away with little fanfare. Disappointed, sad, but knowing we gave it the best shot possible, that if a marriage was to survive after what he did, we had shown it was possible.

I don't expect that to happen, just as i dont expect myself to betray him. But this changes us. Makes us stronger. Makes us more aware of what is valuable and meaningful in life.

I don't have it all figured out, but I'm at peace most days now. The thoughts stop by to remind me; I acknowledge them, then send them on their way. I see myself as someone who has faced down and survived Infidelity. That is something to truly be proud of. :

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrsDDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14Reconciled

posts: 4271   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Land of Renewed Peace of Mind
id 7707332

deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 11:09 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2016

2.5 years from original DDay, TT over 1.5 years ago.

WH and I are in a much better place.

Thanks to SI, IC, MC and a lot of reading, i have a much better grasp on WH's why....more so than he does.

The why's are important to me and while they are not excuses, they do help me to understand what happened to him-to us.

I still have a lot of mind movies and intrusive thoughts but WH and I ARE reconnecting. I see the changes he has made and I see the changes he is still trying to make. I see his initiative and effort in trying to make things better for me and I can see his pain when he isn't successful in helping me. I see him trying to be a better man, husband, father and grandfather.

I have made changes also. We have discussed the M issues as well and while it is all a work in progress, most of them have been addressed and we have both made an effort to do better.

We both believe that and want our future to be with each other and we are making a stronger friendship, marriage and connection as a result.

I know the road is still going to be bumpy and i am still going to have many ups and downs but we will get through this together and have a long happy future together.


so far successfully in R

posts: 3775   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 7707338

Tearsoflove ( member #8271) posted at 1:38 AM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

Last week, and more than 6 years after his second affair, we celebrated 31 years of marriage.

In the immediate aftermath of both the first affair and the second, I couldn't imagine ever celebrating again because it felt like a lie. I didn't know where to count from or if we should have a whole new anniversary. I have come to realize that overcoming what we have and emerging with a better marriage is, indeed, something to celebrate. And we will celebrate on the anniversary of our imperfect but very special marriage.

Yes, we posted anniversary messages to each other on social media but we don't pretend that our marriage hasn't overcome some hurdles. While we aren't specific, we make sure people know that it has not always been the storybook romance it appears to be on social media. We don't want to give the young people who look up to us some false idea that marriage is a fairytale. When asked, we are honest. Our children all know and we have been able to counsel them all through similar circumstances and we are in agreement about what should be tolerated by a BS and what should be given by a WS if the relationship is to survive. We are also in agreement that in the absence of that, the relationship should be ended.

We are happy. We are both transparent. We both leave our phones and computers open and lying around because we have nothing to hide. We both have boundaries with the opposite sex and we both are cautious about maintaining other relationships at the expense of our own. We have had many discussions about the affairs and I believe we have left no stone unturned. (To the point that even I don't feel like talking about it anymore.) The affairs are no longer on my mind and I rarely trigger. In fact, I trigger more from this site than from anywhere else but I come back because I feel I owe it to those who helped me and to the new people struggling.

Reconciliation with a truly remorseful spouse is definitely possible. My husband gave me everything I needed: transparency, boundaries, details, and time to vent and grieve. It's been six years and I could still ask him questions and he'd answer without getting angry. That doesn't mean he never expresses frustration if I ask a question. He does. But it's at himself for putting us in this position and for doing something he's ashamed of. Ultimately, it was a lot of work to get here. And much of it could have been done before the affairs if we'd understood transparency and boundaries then. So, we try to make sure our children have the tools for their own relationships. If others learn something from our marriage, it was worth it.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

posts: 6078   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2005   ·   location: Southeast
id 7707430
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