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Reconciliation :
Positive Reconciliation Stories

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onlytime ( Member #45817) posted at 11:53 AM on Sunday, August 13th, 2017

A week or so ago I decided to sort through and clean out my e-mail accounts. I am terrible at deleting things and had stuff in there going back over ten years...some sweet e-mails from FWH, some e-mails from my late father, old photos I thought were lost for good, and responses/links to some of my old posts from SI.

I found a "where we're at at 6 months out" post that laid out all of the good, bad and ugly of those first six months...not gonna lie, the bad and ugly were a tough read (TT, inconsistency, verbal/physical fights, drinking, suicide attempts to name a few). I ended that post with the following:

The past six months have not been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and there have been many times where one or both of us have been ready to just give up. The roller coaster that everyone speaks of has been an incredibly hellish ride at times.

Many people would probably have walked away at this point, and rightfully so, but after almost 18 years together, raising our children, becoming grandparents and seeing each other through some incredibly dark moments (addictions, multiple deaths of loved ones, disabilities) I think there is something there worth fighting for.

We are both deeply flawed, imperfect, broken individuals and we have done a lot of hurtful things to ourselves and to each other, but at the end of the day I believe that we both have the capacity to become better and stronger, both individually and as a couple.

At six months out we are both works in progress. We are both still making mistakes, but we are growing and learning from them. We aren't going to get it right the first time, or every time, but we keep trying.

At six months out we are able to have more good days than bad, we still have moments where it seems like we are taking more steps back than we are forward, but the fact is that we are still moving forward. We get impatient at times with how slow this process is, and we get tempted to rugsweep, but we both know that the only way through this is to actually go through it - with all the good, the bad and the ugly.

At six months out I am not ready to give up on myself, on WH, or on our marriage. I have hope. And, in six months from now I hope that we can come back to this post and say "Wow, look how far we have come".

We recently celebrated 20 years together and I am glad we didn't give up. I am glad that we kept pushing through and didn't take the easy road of rugsweeping like we had in the past.

We are both so much stronger, wiser and healthier now, and we are continuing to learn, grow and evolve every single day. Our marriage is strong. Real. We both feel safe to be ourselves. Our love is mature now. Empathetic. Compassionate. There is complete openness and honesty. There is trust and respect.

We don't plan date nights. There are no flowers or gifts or grand gestures. It's about just being us. It's about being vulnerable and authentic with each other. It's about being there for the good and the bad moments. Being present. Being absolutely real.

And, it has been hard fucking work.

Work that I didn't even believe to be possible, because at 3.5 months out I was hopeless. So completely hopeless that I took an overdose of my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and ended up admitted to hospital.

It was during my time in hospital that a slight shift happened. My grandparents had phoned our house and BF13 had to tell them where I was and why I was there. When they asked him why I had tried to kill myself he told them it was because he had had an A.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that this was a turning point.

His ownership of the A to my grandparents, whom he deeply respected and adored, who reminded him of his own (late) parents, was really a pivotal moment. He could have lied, or not said anything, and tried to protect himself and his relationship with them, but he chose to be honest.

A week later he quit drinking.

I could tell you it was all sunshine and roses after that, but I’d be lying.

He still trickled the truth out to me. Shame and fear beat out vulnerability and courage more times than not in that first six months, but slowly a shift occurred. He listened to a lot of Brene Brown and Pema Chodron (and still does) and their words really resonated with him. He began getting real, not just with me, but himself.

The fallout from the A – witnessing the depths of the pain and devastation he had caused me, seeing and hearing the disappointment of our kids, of my mom and grandparents – were his “breaking point”. His wake-up call. He began reflecting back on his life and didn’t like what he saw. He was not the man he had wanted to be. He wanted to be better –a better husband, a better father and grandfather and a better person.

I know now that that was the “metanoia” that is described in the ‘Beyond regret and remorse' thread. I was still too raw and in too much pain for the first two years to really see it, but I know that it was this “metanoia” that lead to a fundamental shift in BF13 – what can best be described as a “psychological metamorphosis” or a “spiritual awakening”.

This man, who had spent his entire life running, either physically taking off or through the bottle, learned to stay. He has stayed present with me through all of my pain and anger. Validating it. Owning his role in it. Apologizing. Empathizing. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Almost 3 years out and he still stays.

He not only learned to stay, be present and help me to heal, but he has been doing the work on himself too.

He is honest now, not just with me, but in all areas of his life. Times where he would have taken the easy road and lied before, he has bravely told the truth, even at the risk of losing something important to him (job, relationship).

He works on facing his fears and addressing his shame. Most times he has the insight, self-awareness and mindfulness now to catch his thoughts as they come up, see why they have arisen, and not run away with them and feed them anymore.

All of the resentments he had built up through the years were reflected upon, and he found that the common denominator in all of them was him - that underlying all of them was anger at himself for his response (or lack thereof) to situations that affected his life. He has learned to be assertive now and has developed boundaries of what he will and will not accept.

He has worked through and processed the grief that had him buried under a mountain of pain, and feelings of emptiness, aloneness and despair. The losses of his parents. The abandonment by his family and friends. His [dis]ability and its impacts on his life.

He often says, and I totally agree, that we don’t ever stop doing the work on ourselves. There will always be opportunities for us to learn and grow throughout life.

And it is his example of personal growth, healing and transformation, that has inspired me to want, and work for, the same for myself. Now it is my turn. And, let me tell ya this shit isn't easy.

I know I've got some pretty big hurdles in my way - a personality disorder, a shit ton of trauma and a lifetime of feeling/acting like a victim and harming others. And, sometimes I get discouraged and I wonder why BF13 wants to stick it out. He tells me he's not going anywhere. He has been telling me that this is a "three-legged race" and that he will be here to support me when I am struggling. That he will stay right here beside me and not give up.

He continues to keep his word.

I'm glad that neither of us gave up and I can honestly say

"Wow, look how far we have come!"

[This message edited by onlytime at 5:56 AM, August 13th (Sunday)]

R'd w/ BetterFuture13
T 20+ yrs w/ adult kids 😇 + grands
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~Nelson Mandela

posts: 6298   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7945496
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Hopeful76 ( Member #58149) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, August 14th, 2017

Thank you OnlyTime for posting and sharing your story. With very few changes this could be (and hope it will) the story of my marriage.

My H and I are 14 months post Dday after an A that lasted over 6.5 years. Lying and alcohol were a constant factor in our marriage/relationship of over 40 years. All of the descriptions of your H and marriage feel so very similar including the “psychological metamorphosis” or a “spiritual awakening".

I have continued to think I could leave but I did not think as much about his decision to stay and live through the fallout of his lifelong choices.

As with you, I too have work to do on myself.

Together my H and I have to lay our old toxic ways to rest and move forward.

Your words are inspirational and give me hope.

Thank you.

[This message edited by Hopeful76 at 10:11 AM, August 15th (Tuesday)]

Hopeful76
M: 41+ years
BS: 64
WS: 62
DDay: 6/18/16
PA: 6.5 years
Working hard to rebuild.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 7946595
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Lovewinssometime ( Member #54286) posted at 11:16 AM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2017

Its been about 18 months since Dday. I didnt choose to R straight away. I broke free and watched. People told me to leave. We arent married had one child that is mine but had become his. Everyone is different and although i understand why people were telling me to run, people also dont know your feelings or every part of your life.

So far I am happy i seen it through, dont get me wrong it was shit! So shit! For a long time. I did the heavy lifting at first while he came to all his realitys. Which were not pretty!... He pursued IC and then we did couples councilling. Over time and consistency i began to see he was the good man i thought he was. And he and I really wanted to be together. We fought hard for where we are now, we spoke hard truths and went deeper than iv ever known capable in a relationship. Its such a shame it took so much betrayal and so many lies for it to get to this level and if he could go back he would of changed it all and made the right decisions. But he didnt and im sick of wishing he did. That wont help us. What i do know is that he would make the right choices now, he respects me now. More importantly he respects himself! He still works on being a good man and we still talk things over when they come up. Right now we are making it and we make each other happy.

I love him, iv always loved him. And we are happy. We have grown as people in so many ways. Im proud of the work he has done on himself and i never thought i would say that.

Our journey in R continues. But I would say that with a remorseful partner who wants to change for themselves it is possible.

Thank you to everyone here for such valuable advice and support.

I plan to update one day in the future For now im signing off.

Love to all

LWS. Love does win sometimes! Xx

Me:BS 35
Him:FWS 40
Dday: 2016 January TT til JUly, (full story in profile)
Currently in R, it’s hard work.. but so far so good and worth it. We were blessed with a beautiful baby daughter in April :-)

“Be your own hero”

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: Uk
id 7948143
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dana1234 ( Member #40952) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2017

4.5 years out and I'm starting to think we can make it! Feeling good and the marriage is getting stronger. We spend lots of time together and enjoy each other's company. I think I am starting to "like" him again after many years of hating him (even before the A). I hated seeing 2-5 years in the beginning, but it looks like we were on the 5 year plan. Either way, I'll be ok. Stay strong my friends xo

Me 45 BS
Him 48 WH
Married 20 years, together 25 high school sweethearts
3 Beautiful Children 17,13,13

posts: 175   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2013   ·   location: New Jersey
id 7948575
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authenticnow ( Member #16024) posted at 12:05 AM on Saturday, August 19th, 2017

It's hard to believe that tomorrow will be 10 years since d-day. Shortly after that day, my BH found SI and made my joining a condition for R. He found so much solace here and eventually I did too. So many old timers were key in our recovery. H found men that he could relate to, with no shame. He felt so ashamed to talk to people in our real life, even though he had no reason for shame. He was embarrassed.

SI was a lifesaver for him.

I started out thinking I could take shortcuts. Eventually I found my way and we got in our groove and true healing started.

I am forever grateful for our dear DeeplyScared reaching out to me, embracing me, making me realize that if I was the same as her I must not be such a terrible person. MH and DS, as well as WH5 and BR showed us that a WW and BH can heal from infidelity. Our first g2g at WH5 and BR's place was a game changer for us.

I have so much gratitude for SI and for my H, who still loves me and believed in my ability to change and heal and get back to my true self after getting so far off track and causing so much destruction to our family.

There were so, so many days that felt hopeless. Here we are 10 years later, healed and doing well. We recently celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.

Keep the hope, you can survive and thrive after infidelity.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 7950721
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CaptainRogers ( Member #57127) posted at 4:34 PM on Saturday, August 26th, 2017

I've had this thought a few times over the last several months & I'm sure I'm not the only one...unless I really am as crazy as some might think...but I digress.

Several times early on, and even more often these days, I have found myself to be genuinely happy. A little history for those reading, I have almost always been thought of as the "happy" guy. Always smiling, quick witted, looking for opportunities to brighten days. That flame was all but extinguished on D-day.

However, more and more, I find myself in a happy place again. I am enjoying life. Several months ago, when those moments of happy would rise up, I would be quick to ramp them back down. I needed to be solemn, pensive, deep in thought & wrestling with emotions. I shouldn't be "happy". Yep, that's the kind of crap I told myself.

And one day I asked "why not?" Why shouldn't I be happy about my life? Yes, the A was a very devastating thing. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, inability to eat & sleep...all that stuff sucked. And when you add the grenade going off inside the relationship that you never expected to happen, well, there aren't a lot of reasons to be happy.

But now that the dust has settled, the foundation is being repaired and the reconstruction process is well underway, those happy moments are returning. And I like that.

Saturday night this week, we are headed out to see a comedian that I have waited 8 years to watch. I missed out the last two times Tim Hawkins was in town and I am VERY MUCH looking forward to seeing him this time. I cannot wait to laugh. I cannot wait to share my happiness with my wife.

Why? Because it is OK to be happy together, even after all the crap we have been wading through. Happiness is a choice. And I'm chosing to do that more often.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3005   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 7956951
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VirginiaRegret ( Member #48955) posted at 3:23 PM on Sunday, August 27th, 2017

I'm not really sure where to start here. So I'll start with happiness. We are happy. Things between us are so so good. My husband and I have a long hard history and the infidelity was a large piece among a lot of others that we had to overcome to get to this point. I'm still in shock and awe that we made it to a place of contentment and yes, love.

I cheated on my husband almost 5 years ago. It lasted about 6 months and ended. No contact was in place for about 6 months before I confessed. The next year and a half was bad. He hated me and I hated me. He was hurting and I wallowed in self-loathing. Him cheating finally pulled me out of that pit. And I went on a journey of self discovery to try to piece together how in the world I ended up there.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 3 months later. And we spent the next almost 2 years trying to repair our broken marriage. He told me he would never forgive or love me again. I told him I hated him and wished I had never met him. We yelled, we threw things, we said some truly horrible things. We printed out separation papers and started making plans to move on.

But somehow we found our way back. We are more in love today than we have been in a long time. We are happy. We're playful, we're intimate, we remember why we liked each other. There is no one thing I can point to (although for me, going on antidepressants was a life changing decision). I think at the end of the day, it was just two people committed to not giving up when we probably should have.

I used to look at my marriage as impossibly tainted. A dirty ruined thing. I don't anymore. I wish those things hadn't happened. But I realized that I wouldn't trade my marriage for another. What I mean is, if I could trade marriages with any couple I know and could erase the infidelity but my relationship would be theirs, I wouldn't do it. I like the relationship we have. My husband is adventurous and fun. We love doing new things. We laugh a lot. We appreciate each other. He's seriously cute. I like who we are together.

I am proud of my marriage. I am proud of us. Our marriage survived something that should have torn it apart. It is special. My anniversary isn't a sham and reminder of broken vows. It's a celebration of our victory. And what I once thought would define our relationship is now just a chapter. The darkest chapter, but it doesn't define us. We're still writing the best ones.

Me: MH
Him: MH

posts: 521   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7957557
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Seemill ( New Member #59722) posted at 8:14 PM on Thursday, August 31st, 2017

Is 6 weeks too soon to be optimistic? We're doing the work, and though I'm still in some pretty bad anxiety moments, I believe her.

I'm staying because I lover her so so so much. Whenever I get anxiety I repeat:

She loves me.

She doesn't want to hurt me again.

Everything is fine.

Together 11 years, 2 kids both at home, one special needs.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2017   ·   location: MD
id 7961498
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QuietDan ( Member #57276) posted at 9:01 AM on Monday, September 4th, 2017

Not to sure if my story fully qualifies. Still married. Happy to be married. She seems to be happy to be married to me. We are empty nesters now. Neither one of us is staying for the kids or the finances now. We are with each other because we choose to be. It is my understanding that my past infidelity seldom doesn't cross her mind much anymore. She hasn't had a trigger event or a related panic attack for a few years now. We enjoy each others company and seem to get along with each other almost better than ever over the last couple years for the most part. She wants me to leave the past in the past. A few years ago she mentioned during the course of a discussion, she didn't want to know if there was anything else she didn't know about. So, I am respecting her wishes.

...

posts: 184   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2017
id 7963845
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numbinside24 ( Member #55561) posted at 7:25 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2017

We are in year two. Although there are still ups and downs at times for the most part things are doing well. We are more attentive towards each other, spend more time together, and sex is more intense, exciting, and frequent. I'm grateful to say that my husband is putting in the effort, taking responsibility, attending SLAA meetings, and just more present with his family. We spent an amazing vacation (all four of us) in Europe this summer. If you can find a way to discover new things together, change routines, and look at each day as a new start together. Bad times will come but they are passing much faster now. Be patient with each other. A good friend of ours said when this first happened, "maybe this is a chapter in your beautiful love story" I'm choosing to look at it this way. I'm going to keep turning pages to see how the story ends. Good luck to you all.

Married 20 yrs Together:27
BS:me
Dday July 2015 Affair lasted 2yrs
currently in R

posts: 81   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2016
id 7974484
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EAC628 ( New Member #60533) posted at 3:09 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2017

Seemill, my DDay was almost 6 weeks ago too, and I'm doing my best to be optimistic too. WH has porn addiction, and confessed to 8week PA. I know he feels huge remorse, we are both in IC and want R. However, I'm preparing myself for a long, bumpy road. I think your mantra is great. I would add to that, though, to acknowledge your anxiety. Emotions are ok to feel........if you keep pushing them aside, you may explode. Feel them in a safe time/space and remember they're temporary.

Hand in there.

posts: 27   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2017
id 7975721
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NeedingClosure ( Member #60385) posted at 9:47 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2017

Reposting here :-)

We're 11 years past d-day and R was going very well until I was unexpected triggered. I became upset with my WH all over again, like it had just happened yesterday. I accused him of tt since I found new details and was so angry with him!

But then the dust settled and I realized I owed him an apology. We had mutually agreed years ago that I knew everything I wanted to know and we moved on. (And if questions did come up later he always answered without hesitation.) We've had an awesome marriage ever since, and here I was blowing up on him again. He answered every question I asked fully and volunteered information that I was not asking for if he thought it would help me (even if it was info I had previously said I didn't want to know). It was unfair of me to attack him and he handled it with patience and love.

We've had some very deep conversation over the last month and through it all our communication on many levels has become much better. As a couple we are closer now than we were a month ago. We've talked about things unrelated to the A that we've previously been guarded about.

Today he sent me a message that meant a lot to me. He said, "You make me smile! I’m so happy with us as well! Thank you for helping us grow."

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving, but so is Reconciliation. Our relationship is stronger now than it ever was before the A. The A forced us to reevaluate everything and either work together or part ways. We chose to work together. It's so easy to forget that M takes work. Someone once said that "Marriage is a verb. Make sure to Marriage every day." This has been our motto for the last few weeks and it makes a world a difference!

13 years out.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2017
id 7976130
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CaptainRogers ( Member #57127) posted at 4:57 AM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2017

I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...Come further up, come further in!

C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle

At the 8+ month mark, I can say that I have come further up and further into R than I would have imagined possible back in January. There have been challenges, for certain...roller coasters of emotion...anger...depression & anxiety...sleepless nights...tears...inability to eat...and the list goes on.

But for those who are early in this journey, take heart. There is hope. Some days will not feel like it. Some days will seem like you're on top of the world. The roller coaster continues, but the rises and drops aren't as steep, nor as long.

Tomorrow is our MC session. The first one in about a month. Not because we haven't been able to schedule, but because our MC has said that we are doing well enough to have such a large gap between sessions. She is right. We are doing a pretty good job of doing the "homework" between sessions.

Last night, we had a very good discussion. I've been dealing with some subconscious anxiety, most likely from some memory that it was around this time last year when my wife gave up, when her then IC helped her to "grieve" our relationship & bury it. I haven't been my normally jovial self for a few days. Obviously, my wife noticed. So,we talked.

She talked about how much different it is for her right now. How she is 180° different in feeling love & affection towards me Now compared to this time last year. She commented on how she feels like we have "walked through the fire" and come out refined & stronger.

I understand that perspective for her. D-day (or at least a couple of days later) was the end of the issues for her. I reminded her that it was just the start for me. And while I agree, we have walked through the fire, I still find some of those burning coals at times. We talked about that. She apologized again & said that she never stopped to think about the consequences (an understatement if ever there was one). She said she had no idea that it would still be affecting me this far out. She really is remorseful about both the breadth & depth of the pain. Being remorseful is one of those things that I believe has helped heal as much as we have so far.

So, here we are, further up and further in. The hope in the future is that we still have further up and further in to travel. Even at this stage, there is still more work, more healing, more growing to do.

There is hope. Set the goals. Commit to being all in. Dream the dreams. Pursue the healing. Do the hard work. Go further up and further in.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3005   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 7976403
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uxorpatricius ( Member #59933) posted at 5:23 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

The roller coaster continues, but the rises and drops aren't as steep, nor as long.

Go, CaptainRogers!

I don't list the actual dates of our DDay here. But I am in the "season" of the revelations that followed.

We had our DDay. He told me as much as I wanted to hear, and later, in more detail to protect me when I said I didn't want to hear it from anyone else.

But there were a series of traumas that happened at the xAPs hands in the months that follows. So, there are several dates that can trigger memories.

Going onto 4 years since his affair, I want to reassure people working on reconciliation, that the ghosts do rise up now and then. That horrid feeling at the base of the roller-coaster dip is etched deeply in your brain.

But when they happen, often on the difficult "anniversaries", remind yourself, that they are just that - ghosts. They have so much less edge and less power over your mins if you keep working.

And so often, you will ask yourself, "Why should I work so hard on myself if it might all happen again?"

That answer is in the question. "I can face if it all happens again, because I worked so hard on myself."

I was helping a friend facing marital issues a couple of weeks ago. She said, "How can you be so wise?" I said it is like learning about using a fire extinguisher, hands on, during a fire.... You never really wanted to have to try it on a fire, but now that there was one you put out, you are better prepared for the next time, and might also help others when there is one.

I will never be glad about the affair (a fire in our marriage, so to speak), but I will always be glad for the wisdom I gained in learning to save myself, and likely our marriage (the fire extinguisher).

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 11:25 AM, September 22nd (Friday)]

Reconciling and mostly doing well now.
D-Day Summer 2013 - M 20+ years.
Our children - young adults
Me: BW -3 years of IC.
Him: formerlyWH, Mr. Uxor still in IC by his choice.

posts: 714   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: US
id 7979877
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1survivor ( Member #49999) posted at 7:41 PM on Friday, September 22nd, 2017

It just seemed like yesterday I wasn't feeling well and I came home early. Fate led me to check my wife's email and then her spam box only to have my world turned upside down.

We had been married 5 years and both looking at 60. In the course of 3 days I found out that my wife went to chatting with an exclassmate, to talking on the phone with sexual messages to a weekend meetup (he lived 8 hrs away) . Obviously I was shocked (you can read my story in my profile). I was uncertain what to do. I struggled. My wife promised it wouldn't happen again and would do whatever she could to make it right.

Three weeks later I found this place and learned a ton by reading in the healing room , reading posts etc. I called the OBS and started taking control back. We have both been to ic and some marriage counseling. Our marriage wasn't very good before , but the pressing issue was dealing with infidelity. There was transparency on emails, phone and other things . She deleted her fb account and tried to heal our broken marriage. We are still working through The five love languages book and read through Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your affair.

I won't kid you these last 2 years have been tough. My wife has been working really hard at becoming a better person worthy of trust and helping me heal. Both of us have been working on our marriage, communicating, spending quality time together and trying to function as a unit instead of two individuals, not letting things go unresolved.

There have been a few times that I felt like giving up , but I didn't. We have come a long ways . I have been able to forgive my wife and start moving past the hurt and pain . I feel we have truly begun to move forward in our relationship. There is still work to be done, but I am thankful for my wife and the person she has become .

I hate that the affair was the turning point. I wished we could have strengthened our marriage like normal people , by working on it daily, but so be it. Looking back I am glad I stuck it out . R isn't for everyone , but I am glad at 2 years out I don't have any regrets. I am thankful for this place. The support and wisdom here is priceless.

posts: 815   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2015
id 7980016
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strugglebus ( Member #55656) posted at 9:05 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2017

One year ago I discovered the text that turned my world sideways, shaking loose some former "friends" and rearranging many behaviors and emotions. On DDay I wished that my WH and his AP had killed me rather than letting me find out how little they loved me. My kids were the only reason I stayed alive for the first month. They plus the advice of SI and my therapist are the only reason my WH got the six month window to allow him to attempt to woo me back while working on himself. I stayed for the next six months because I have seen real changes.

In the twelve months that have followed I have:

Lost and regained 30 lbs and then lost about five more of that.

Cried so much that I was dehydrated for weeks

Realized that I have an amazing support system that never had anything to do with those faux friends.

Navigated weddings, birthdays, holidays and funerals with a broken heart

Spent countless hours in IC and MC sessions.

Journaled through a notebook and a half.

Completed the Forgiveness workbook twice (once for myself and once for the husband).

Determined my own boundaries and set my own expectations.

Learned Non-Violent Communication (and use it in general)

Learned how to meditate like a boss

Read over 10 books (not all about infidelity)

Volunteered for 80 hours at a local cause near and dear to my heart

Set personal records, my favorite being 125lbs 3x8 on deadlifts

Ran in 2 races

Went on and then recently off anti-depression and anxiety medications

Regained my focus

Learned two new coding languages and completed an internship

Watched and waited and noted the changes in my husband

Made the leap to be vulnerable emotionally again.

And today, I finally replaced the car that broke down and she is all mine.

Things I would not have believed were possible on DDay:

Most days I am happy, content and fulfilled.

Most days you will find me laughing.

I feel loved, every single day.

I feel comfortable with the fact that this marriage could end tomorrow (I don't want it to, but I would survive fine).

My kids were not affected (they knew we were having a hard time, but they also knew we were getting help and watched us work together)

I love the person that I have grown into. I love the man he has grown into. I am excited for the new marriage we have been building together.

I still have my bad days. I still have moments of doubt and anxiousness and fear. But I also have the tools to fight against them and I am strong enough and motivated enough to use those tools when called to do so.

Recovery is a long road but I know where I am going. :)

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

posts: 2541   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2016
id 7984313
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psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 2:44 PM on Friday, September 29th, 2017

About a month ago I posted a 3 year update. I didn't get over here to re-post it, in part, because sometimes it’s hard to put into concise words the enormity of this situation. Where we start, where we go from there, where we are today. But I can say with confidence that my M, my once wayward H, and me, are definitely NOT the same as we were when this journey started.

On almost any given day I can cite a new example of how our M has changed over the past 3 years, how my once wayward H has changed, and how I have changed. So I’ll give an example just from last night. After watching the final episode of the Vietnam War PBS series, my H was in tears. His dad had been a Vietnam vet. Returned home to a wife who had brought a new man into the home while he was away (Mr Psych was 8 years old at the time) and who started drinking heavily. Mr Psych never really developed a close relationship with his dad after that, although he loved him and lived with him after his parents divorced.

As has occurred many other times, a book, a movie, a television series will provide the projective outlet for Mr Psych to reach deep into his feelings and find meaning for some of the things he’s done, for how he developed into the man he became. So he weeped. He talked about his pain of not really knowing his dad, of not having a strong male role model. And of his anger at his mom. Anger that he knows now is sometimes directed toward me, the “mother figure” in his unconscious life story. This is important, because it explains a lot about the influences that took him down the paths he has taken throughout his life. But until DDay and the effect it had on opening both of us up to ourselves, to one another, and to this new reality of awareness (“our awakening”), we never talked about such things. Never peered this deeply inside one another.

I carry my own inner wounds from childhood that have caused me to hold myself back in relationships, to always feels I need to have the “upper hand” and “control” in my relationships. I’ve had to work on understanding where that came from, and see more clearly how I project that onto my M and onto Mr Psych. So for us, it’s been a journey of “conscious loving” and living a more conscious and authentic existence. We are still in the baby step phase, but it’s a completely new way of being a couple for both of us. And we’re doing it together, learning together, and often falling on our faces together. We get frustrated, we still get angry, we still have fights. But what is different today is that we always talk about it afterward, try to understand where we went wrong, and work together toward doing better in the future. We have a “date” tonight to talk through some issues that have come up for us recently (let’s just say I like to spend money on our daughters while Mr Psych is more of a “hoarder” when it comes to money, and his degree is in finance). In the past (i.e., pre DDay) our different ways of viewing money caused MANY conflicts and was a major source of our fighting.

In some ways it’s a bit embarrassing. To both be stupid as shit when it comes to being adults and a married couple. But that’s our reality. Two imperfect people. . . as some wise SI member reminds us in her tagline. So my positive story is simply a reminder that if both people are willing to try, and by try I mean willing to take an honest look at their own behavior, acknowledge our weaknesses, identity how we could do better, and actually PUT THAT NEW BEHAVIOR into practice, we can stumble together toward something of our own creation that may not be perfect from the view of an outsider, but from inside is beautiful because of the work we’ve done together to create it, the joy we can get from the feeling of accomplishment. It may not be a Picasso, but it’s pretty damn good! The two of you working together, side by side, picking one another up when one stumbles and shatters part of the masterpiece. No worries. We’ve got the whole future ahead of us. Let’s just clean up this mess and get busy again creating this work of art we call our marriage.

That’s how I’m seeing things today. It’s not finished. Not even close to perfect. But we are both committed to seeing it through to the end. And more important, we are happy. Not every day, of course, but more often than not, we are happy with the life we’re now creating, the new way we treat one another, the new commitment we’ve made to see this thing through. I hope this isn’t too long . . . my goal when I sit down to write on SI is to be brief and to the point. But I guess I’m more of a free-association writer and thinker. I thank those who have made it to the end. Now I’m off to do some online shopping for our older daughter’s upcoming wedding . . . . wait, no. I better wait until after “date night” to learn more about our current financial situation so I know what my budget is . . . .

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 7985999
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W3IRZ ( Member #48882) posted at 4:17 PM on Saturday, September 30th, 2017

"I'm seeing someone else and I think we should separate "

Those were the first words spoken to me on DDAY. No warning, no iaota of an idea. Just those words. Those words have confused me since then. My words back were " No we are not doing that" and "we are w3irz and Mr. W3irz" (while holding up 2 fingers intertwined). See we had a good marriage and we were a great team so those words didn't match.

Well here's something about communication: 7% is verbal, 93% is non verbal. The 93% is things like tone and body language. On DDAY I was baffled for many reasons, but for one reason that I could never let go of until now was that his tone and body language didn't match his words. His eyes were more confused than I'd ever seen. He truly looked like a deer in headlights. His body language was anything but convincing that what he was saying was true. He seemed more sorry than convinced of his words. His tone was regretful not assertive. For 2+ years that whole exchange baffled me. And when I said "no we aren't doing that" his response was "do you think we can make it through this?"

This conversation has rolled around in my head for over 2 years. For some reason I couldn't let it rest. Mostly at a subconscious level now, as the A no longer consumes me. But I just couldn't make sense of this conversation.

Well finally it makes sense and I've talked about it with Mr. W3. See those words were a cover up for what he really wanted to say. His non verbal cues were the true conversation. They were saying "I'm sorry" and "I'm confused " and "W3 I'm in a big mess that I caused and I have no idea how to fix it" and I need your help more than ever but I deserve your help less than ever ". Those were the true words. Those are the words I felt but didn't hear. Those are the words he felt but was too broken to say. But now, two years later we can both put that conversation to rest. We both agree that the lies were the words and the truth we both knew all along but the words got in the way.

This revelation has brought so much peace to me. Actually very little of this bullshit bothers me anymore. I'm completely free from the trauma. It feels like an old wound now and just sensitive because of the memories of the hurt. My husband and I are those intertwined fingers that I reminded him we always were again. He stopped lying to himself a long time ago now and the man I see daily is happier and more authentic than I've ever seen. We are living really good lives. I'm so happy I was able to put this piece of my puzzle together and then away forever.

I don't come here much anymore. Truthfully I don't have time. I'm so busy in my real life that I don't have a desire to. But when I have a revelation I try to share in hopes of inspiring others.

BS - me 42 on DD
FWH - him 44 on DD
Married 21 years on DD
DDAY- 6/30/2015
8/29/2016 update - Reconcilled and completely happy

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2015
id 7986907
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Ann5 ( Member #59966) posted at 1:47 AM on Monday, October 9th, 2017

The past 15 months since DDay have been filled with ups and downs. Lately I've been struggling with how to deal with the constant triggers and mind movies. I was so confused because I knew if we divorced I'd miss my H terribly, but also that I wasn't sure I could live with the pain he'd caused. I'd even begged him a few times to just leave me to make the decision easier. I told him just the other day "I can't get over this, you are wasting your time, just divorce me!" But my H just stayed strong and said over and over "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through this together. I'll support you and do whatever you need. I love you and I want this to work." I've been doing a lot of reading about mindfulness and forgiveness. I decided to try something I'd read about recently. I made a list of all the things I love about my marriage and husband now...and discovered that in the present I am very happy in my marriage. Although I hate the way my husband was during his A, and I hate the damage he did to our relationship, I love the person he is now. He has been patient, loving, and persistent. The list of things I love about our marriage went on for pages. I decided to give the list to him, as a way of saying that our marriage is the reason I am fighting through all this pain. He was thrilled with the list, and it definitely boosted both of our spirits and made us remember why we are working through R. We have suffered through so much together, sometimes it's good to stop and remember why we love each other. Although R has been difficult, we are definitely stronger and more in love than ever.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2017
id 7994339
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HowIsThisReal ( Member #50235) posted at 3:11 AM on Wednesday, October 11th, 2017

Just wanted to pop in and say R has been going really well for us. Wanted to keep the hope train going for others. :)

Me: BS | D-Day 1: 11/3/2015 | D-Day 2: 9/4/2019
Attempting R with a different approach, after 4 years of a tumultuous/turbulent attempt at it, ending in d-day 2. (Co-W kissed him, he kissed back).

posts: 860   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2015
id 7996127
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