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Reconciliation :
Positive Reconciliation Stories

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sunwillshine ( Member #47200) posted at 5:52 AM on Monday, October 16th, 2017

My fwh wrote me a song this weekend! I was away at my scrapbooking retreat and he surprised me when I got home. He could barely make it through playing and singing it to me. I was crying. After he managed to get to the end we held each other and both cryed our eyes out. It was a very touching moment. I'm looking forward to him getting it recorded and published.

Today, all is well in the sunwillshine household.

D-day 2/12/15
5 DD (3 his, 2 mine) all grown
married 9/97 together 8/94.
Moved back in 5/30/16 working on R

posts: 1136   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2015
id 8000107
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Everychance ( Member #60698) posted at 1:01 AM on Tuesday, October 24th, 2017

Thank you for posting this, it gives me hope at a time when I need it more than ever!! Sometimes I read posts on this site and wonder if I should have chosen to R. Today I needed to read a post like this to remind me things can get better.

Wishing you more happiness today and forever

Me - BW
Married 26 years
Surviving Infidelity is a journey not a destination.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2017   ·   location: Australia
id 8006489
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ladystrong ( Member #60515) posted at 2:05 PM on Friday, October 27th, 2017

Less than a year since D-day and I am close to fully accepting the A and it's life altering effects. It could have destroyed our marriage but instead it has made us grow in great ways as individuals and as a couple.

I have come to accept that I could not have done anything to stop it and I couldn't change my H's mind in any way at that time. He had to go through it himself to really know it in his heart that it was wrong, not just by other people telling him. I've accepted that this wasn't about me and wasn't done out of spite. He loved me then, despite his unloving actions, and he loves me now. He certainly appreciates me more than ever before.

I've been learning what real unconditional love looks like, what forgiveness is and the beauty of redemption. At the beginning of this reconciliation journey I knew I wanted to rec but just had no idea how it would ever happen. We chose to keep going together and we are way better off now than ever before in our marriage.

We still have much to work on but these days it's less about the A and more about the marriage and building up our faith. I don't see this as a "stain" in our marriage, rather a catalyst to major change that needed to happen. There are more good days than bad now as well. I am thankful that we've made it this far and hope to share our story with others one day

D-day:12/17/16
Slayed the dragon (OW): 12/17/16
Marriage rebuilding day: 12/18/16
Married since 09/27/2008
3 awesome boys to raise up
Finally healed: ???
Our marriage promise: Isaiah 61

posts: 83   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2017   ·   location: California
id 8009423
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Itsanewday ( Member #49991) posted at 7:23 PM on Friday, November 3rd, 2017

Hi to everyone on this amazing lifeline. I am almost 3 years out and have so much more perspective now. A quick recap I found out my husband had been having a 3 1/2 year affair with a younger women from work. He was desperate to get out for the last year but she threatened to tell me and he was scared. She talked him into getting her pregnant and promised him she would leave him alone ( ). She sent me a text which revealed it all, and he went instant NC. The OC was born 6 weeks later. We are both 100% NC as is she. So this has not been an easy road. I cried daily for one year.

As for my FWH, I have often told my two dear friends whom I confided in that it was as if a light switch went off for him. He was a changed man after I knew. He has not one time wavered in his determination or remorse to make our marriage strong and good. I was horrific to him and he answered all questions and never, not one time, yelled back at me.

Three years later I am a much stronger person, I realized the other day that when we all first find out it is such a shock we truly don't know what to do we are horrified, scared, angry, heart broken, almost paralyzed. Now after the three years of working through this I can honestly say I am happy and our marriage is better and stronger than it has ever been. I still feel the physical pain of hurt in my heart and I still hate that there is always a "but" before we both say how happy we are now. I sobbed after we made love a few weeks ago and still find myself shaking my head throughout the day once in a while out of disbelief of his actions so it is still there. My point is that there can be happiness again but it will always be a part of your story. Whenever I have moments of sadness or anger I tell myself that this is my choice. I am not longer scared to be alone and financially I would be fine should I leave. I am staying because I choose to be here with the man who I now know truly loves me and us. I laugh much more now than I have through much of my life. This post was prompted by a text he sent me on Monday during the day from work. He asked how my day was going and then said it is "Miss you Monday".

Everyone has a different story and a different path take your time, do not jump into anything. My hope is that everyone in this community finds their happiness and peace in whatever it may look like for you. To survive this make us all very strong people and if you can survive this you can do anything.

Peace

I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Georgia
id 8015195
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 5:21 PM on Saturday, November 4th, 2017

I LOVE your stories !!! I have one that was modified a little from the original post to accommodate the guidelines to this thread...and thank you CaptainRogers for suggesting I post it here !!!

SI has been a Godsend for me. No one in our family knows about the A. I used to say "family and friends"...but I've come to feel very strongly about some of you on here...y'all truly are my FRIENDS...so now...my friends DO know about the A .

Anyway...when I was at my lowest...when the crying never seemed to end...when I would be pouring my heart out on here at 3am because I couldn't sleep...and listening to my H sleeping so soundly would just grate at me...YOU were here for me . I could bash my H...spew hatred at those who did me wrong...and just get my anger out in words...and YOU were here. YOU were concerned when I talked about suicide. YOU helped me to hang on when all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die . YOU could relate to me...understand my horrendous pain...and give me tips on how to get through just ONE MORE DAY.

I saw so much PAIN in these Forums...with a few glimpses of happy stories here and there. I CLUNG to those happy stories...hopeful that MAYBE one day I could have a little bit of that happiness. I told myself that IF I was blessed enough to make it through to happiness...I would pay it forward. I would be the VOICE of positivity...I would give HOPE to this seemingly hopeless situation...and I would show my HAPPINESS for others to believe there CAN be a way out of this infidelity HELL our cheaters put us in through no choice of our own.

I could not understand why people who had not only survived infidelity...but THRIVED despite it didn't stay on here to help those of us still so raw and bleeding from it. WHY weren't there more happy stories in the Reconciliation Forum?? There were only 8 pages in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread when I joined. When I looked up the profiles of some of them who had posted in that thread...they hadn't posted in a while. WHY??? It did NOT make any sense to me that these people who had overcome this horrible thing would just abandon this site. But I understand it now.

I'm HAPPY again . I'm actually happier than I have been since a long time before DDay...only I didn't realize that there was anything missing back then. That statement is true...you don't know what you don't know!!! More importantly...I'm at PEACE now . The anxiety...the doubt...the utter despair...it's all GONE. The pain will never go away. I know that from my 1st M where my XWH was a cheater too. But no pain is ever going to go away. For example...the pain of my Mom's passing is horrendous too. This is LIFE. There will be painful times...but there will also be happy times as well. I KNOW...because I'm living a very HAPPY life right now !!!

I find myself looking less and less at certain posts on this site. Not because I don't want to help...but because I can't relate anymore. I have started posting on some threads...only to delete my posts because it isn't coming out authentic. I understand the pain...but I can't seem to write about it anymore from a point of someone who has been through it. I REALLY WANT to help!!! But I'm not IN infidelity anymore. I am NOT a BS...I have lots of other titles that I am enjoying now...especially the title of MawMaw !!!

I'm not going anywhere...you can't get rid of me that easily . But I may not be posting as much. I still WANT to pay it forward...I WANT to tell that there CAN BE HAPPINESS despite adultery...I'm living proof !!! But I do want to apologize to those who I felt had abandoned us when I felt we needed encouragement the most. I get it now.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8015898
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countrydirt ( Member #55758) posted at 11:43 AM on Thursday, November 16th, 2017

16 months out from DDay #1 and 7 from drop dead day. Drop dead day was when I told her she had to decide if she wanted to be married. Any further interaction at all with the AP would result in divorce. Once NC became a reality on her part, we finally started healing. I no longer bring it up, but she does about once a week, generally in a "WTF was I thinking?" sort of way.

3 sons (mostly grown)
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 293   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8025227
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uxorpatricius ( Member #59933) posted at 5:55 PM on Friday, December 1st, 2017

At Want2BeHappy's request:

Dear Santa,

You have been very good to me this year. So, I would like a few more of "these" items, if I could, please:

FAMILY AND MARRIAGE MEMORIES

We celebrated another "over two decades" of marriage milestones with a set of family photos! Just in time for Christmas cards, and the kids all made it home for it. Whew! Can you arrange a family get together again for next year?

A GROWN UP HUSBAND AND DAD

My FWH/DH has been an amazing father, guiding our kids on so many early adulthood issues lately. The world is not easy to navigate, and they have some tough questions. In their growing years it was almost completely on me with the pace he kept. Now he is "GAME ON" in parenting. THAT's my MAN (not longer a boy).

LESS OF THE xCOW

Word, via one of your elves is things are changing and she will have less access to our world YESYESYESYES! Stay on this one Santa! I know it is only a rumor, and I shouldn't try to open any gifts under the tree early. I will behave. But I am hoping your elf is right. Please....please...please...no coal! Give us peace instead! I will be ever so good and patient, but please let that elf be right!

ROLE MODEL HUSBAND

FWH/DH has been so helpful to three men working toward reconciling their marriages after betrayal. I don't think he intended to form a wayward mens' interventional support group, but BOOM...there it is. Not a formal one, but men helping men to be faithful husbands. Please let them continue to help each other, Santa!

SURVIVING THESE YEARS WITH A TOGETHER APPROACH

Our health is holding. Not perfect, but holding. Our parents and some siblings are having health struggles that are much more severe. We are working together on balancing that in our lives. Again - in the past - it would have been on me to solve and navigate both of our families issues without him. And it was impossible. Together makes it possible!

CONTROLLED FOO ISSUES

His family is still having issues with "us", but where they threw all blame at me for not being good enough for their family, they now are throwing their hostility at him...and it is from issues from long long long ago. He is learning to tell them his is not a teenage boy any longer. But a man with a life and a wife. Take it or leave it. He is learning to accept who wants a relationship with him in his family, as a man, and who doesn't. THAT is fortitude and learning the coping skills he didn't have for conflict before the affair. Santa, I would like to ask for there to be more healing, but I will trust you wisdom on this. Just please keep the toxicity away from our marriage.

BETTER CONFLICT MANAGEMENT SKILLS

My husband and I have come so very very far in learning to not be as reactive. To break patterns of communication that are damaging and destructive. Santa - keep bringing us those strategies and habit on this.

USING MARRIAGE PROTECTION METHODS

Dear Santa - last night my husband called to have me come to a meeting with a client. A woman. She just HAD to meet at night. Thank you for his new marriage protection boundary habits. They make me feel loved and safer.

SENSITIVITY TO PREVENT POST AFFAIR INSECURITIES

He also called me a few nights ago when the tech team showed up to fix his computer right before he was due home, and stayed on the phone with me while they were there so I knew who he was with.

Oh...yeah...the "just before" the Thanksgiving guests arrived. PG

SPECIAL ARRANGEMENTS

Dear Santa, can you give my dear husband that inspiration again? Now THAT is creativity. Not sure if there is room in the stockings for how much I want next year. Thank you.

I know there are more things you have done for our marriage, over four years out from DDay, Santa. And I want those to keep growing to the point that the stockings are dragging on the hearth.

As I have more time and they come to mind, I will come back and post them.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 12:16 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

Reconciling and mostly doing well now.
D-Day Summer 2013 - M 20+ years.
Our children - young adults
Me: BW -3 years of IC.
Him: formerlyWH, Mr. Uxor still in IC by his choice.

posts: 714   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: US
id 8037529
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delilah2016 ( Member #56481) posted at 11:34 PM on Friday, December 1st, 2017

We are just over 2 years past Dday #2. Although there is still room for improvement, things are moving in the right direction.

fWH is still seeing his psychologist 2-3 times per month, still taking his meds (which he had resisted for 20 years) and is still being a model husband.

Without the ability to change the past, I can't ask for anything more for now.

BW - Late 50's
SAWH -addicted to porn since his early teens - Late 50's
Married 30+ years
Adult children
DD #1 Jan 1995 - EA with co worker
DD #2 Nov 2015 - PA with 26 yr old stripper, confirmed LT EA with neighbor
DD #3 May 2021 Online EA

posts: 241   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2016
id 8037881
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Hanesa ( Member #50737) posted at 1:57 PM on Saturday, December 2nd, 2017

So here I am 2 years (tomorrow) out from probably the worst moment of my life. We have our moments but they have become less and less about the A and more about just stuff that happens between two people in a relationship.

There have been occasions where I freely acknowledge I have used it as a "stick to beat him with" on the one hand who can blame me but on the other you cannot continue to do that as it does no one any good. As the BS it is necessary for us to understand that, if reconciliation is to happen, we need to put it down and not make every challenge and every disagreement about the A.

I cannot believe how fast the time has gone by. At the lowest point I could only manage each day 5 minutes at a time and now it rarely passes through my mind. When it does I feel a little sad but the feeling is fleeting.

My H has been true to his word. He has and continues to, do everything he can to make me safe and secure once more and for the most part I am.

Not the perfect couple but who is. We are happy.

posts: 224   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2015   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8038183
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bionicgal ( Member #39803) posted at 7:31 PM on Sunday, December 3rd, 2017

I posted this in Recon, and some folks suggested I post it here. When we were first starting out after dday, the positive reconciliation stories helped me a great deal.

I haven't been around much, but another post made me want to give a quick check in -- to give those of you in R a vision of a possible, positive future -- if you need it.

A couple of weeks ago, my H had a major milestone birthday. Now, we are 4.5 years out, so a lot of healing, living, and amends have taken place. While I consider myself mostly healed, occasionally something will push that old button to trigger-ville. But, around year 4, the affair started to feel more like an unpleasant blip (well, crater) in the road than a nuclear bomb that had been dropped on the house.

Anyway - I chose to throw my husband a huge party -- caterer, 100 guests, people in from out of town. . .the whole shebang. And then before God and everyone I found myself making a toast to him -- to how much I admire and love him, and how grateful I am that we are on this journey together. Admire! I wondered if I would ever feel that way again.

And you know what ya'll? There were no asterisks to what I was saying. . (you know what I mean -- *except for when he broke my heart, or *except for when he was an unmitigated a&&hole for 2.5 months. . .). Those loving words were the honest-to-god truth. It has taken a while to get here, and I do still trigger from time to time. But, I wanted to let you know that some day, your life might not be defined by this, even if that is hard to believe right now.

I still pop in here from time to time -- this place was a godsend for me in a dark, dark part of my life. But, things can get better, and I wish you all the strength and faith that you need.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 8039060
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moralhighground ( Member #59128) posted at 10:16 PM on Monday, December 4th, 2017

By no means are the positives the ONLY things happening, but I am so so so so so so so freaking glad that I can now say MY WH AND HIS AP NO LONGER WORK TOGETHER! 🎉🎉🎉

Also I came up with this plan that my H and his IC thought was total pain shopping, to go to the hotel they went to back in March. I even called the hotel to get their room number and they asked me if I wanted the confirmation sent to her email account (awkward!! No thanks!) Thankfully I remembered to change the name when I confirmed because when we turned on the TV it said "Welcome [WH]!"

It was a hotel I never would have chosen myself which made it kind of novel, and on his previous visit he hadn't even looked out the window at the view! We took all the free stuff out of the mini bar and I even took the soaps from the bathroom for my kids, haha. We had dinner, watched part of a movie that we saw in the theatre back when we were dating, and to spare you the rest of the details, the robes were really really soft.

We left the same night because we have a baby at home and the woman at the front desk gave me a really dirty look, but all I felt was relieved and done with it. It felt so good to put that ONE night behind me and say "I dealt with this, and it FEELS dealt with." There are so many other places that I can't see and touch, because they are private houses. This was some small thing I could be in control of. I'm so glad I trusted my instincts and pushed through to make this happen.

30s, 3 young kids
WH had 6m EA/PA with a coworker
which ended in 6/2017

posts: 947   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2017
id 8039921
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uxorpatricius ( Member #59933) posted at 2:10 PM on Tuesday, December 5th, 2017

@moralhighground

SUPER-SIZED CONGRATS that they no longer work together! It is so hard to heal without that!

And great story on the return to the scene.

SO, another positive reconciliation story, all because Want2B is trying to get this to the 19th page. It's short and sweet, so don't miss it "y'all":

I just got one of thooooose good-morning-see-you-after-work kisses. And it is still working.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 8:29 AM, December 5th (Tuesday)]

Reconciling and mostly doing well now.
D-Day Summer 2013 - M 20+ years.
Our children - young adults
Me: BW -3 years of IC.
Him: formerlyWH, Mr. Uxor still in IC by his choice.

posts: 714   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: US
id 8040325
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Crazymixedupkid ( Member #61385) posted at 3:20 PM on Friday, December 8th, 2017

We are now 30 years removed from that despicable time and situation. Let me tell you folks it does get so much better. As a couple we have been through hell and back. Not just the A's, but we have been there and done that.

But there is a payoff. The kids are grown and out. The gigantic house was sold, and the cute little townie is now the love nest. Work has become little boutique companies where we can come and go as we please. And the evenings, the evenings. Don't let anyone tell you that love and sex diminishes with age. Holy mackerel! We are in fabulous shape for people who at one time were horribly overweight and out of shape. We look great, and a perfect storm of hormones, opportunity, Cialis, and physical fitness has led to a now two year long honeymoon. Can't keep our hands off one another. I ain't bragging. There are days I can hardly stay at my desk, we appear to be addicted to one another. Damn?!?!?! This is fun. I have tried to get a professional opinion on this from my GP, Internist and Shrink. All of them say, it is a good thing and enjoy the hell out of it. Yup!!! It's nice being 63 year-old teenagers.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2017
id 8042742
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Maclou ( Member #60465) posted at 8:48 AM on Saturday, December 9th, 2017

I’m less than 4 months into this and I know we have a very long road ahead but last night was good.

We had our first proper night out with a bunch of friends, none of whom know about the infidelity.

We were both nervous -WS shed a tear before we left and wanted to cancel but I insisted we go. Before we left the house I told him “I’m leaving this (the infidelity)at home tonight” and I did it!!

Had a really fun night, laughed, danced and really enjoyed myself. It was a huge relief to be able to park the shitstorm for a few hours. Hopefully nights like this will become more frequent 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Feeling more positive today and that can’t be bad

Me-BW 40’s
FWH 40’s
D-day 8/22/17
Married 20yrs
FWH-one night with SW Aug 17
3 children
In reconciliation

When you cheat on someone who is willing to do anything for you, you’re actually cheating yourself

posts: 171   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2017
id 8043346
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 6:04 AM on Monday, December 11th, 2017

My WW and I are so totally different perhaps that is the reason our marriage survived and is stronger after infidelity. I have often lurked here during the holiday season for support. Our DDay anniversary was yesterday. This is my story. I apologize for the length but some background is necessary if this is to have any meaning.

My WW (29 at time of ons) has a great family. She had a happy childhood, the youngest of four siblings she is an extrovert, a bubbly personality, totally social, also smart, involved in everything throughout school and college (dance team, cheerleader, prom court, sorority), a party girl. She had lots of dates and male suitors.

The last party I went to, I was ten years old. My parents gave me a cake, begrudgingly. Me, BH (32 at time of ons). My childhood was horrific. I am the oldest of four siblings. My parents were both severe alcoholics, and as a result I took on many of the responsibilities of a parent for my younger siblings throughout school and college (I lived at home). My only outlet was sports. I was a runner and ran varsity cross country in college all four years. My father was one of those people who was very cruel and abusive to his wife and children, worse when he was drunk, which was very often. I handled all types of emergencies, getting my parents out of bars, getting the car out of a snow bank, and soothing neighbors hurt feelings when my Dad would try to start a drunken brawl.

I learned at an early age how to manipulate my father to direct his drunken abuse at me rather than my mother or siblings. I did this all through HS and college. My youngest brother told me when we were young he actually thought my name was WPOS. I never dated in high school or college except for one brief fling in the summer Junior year. I was a loner, self conscious, and uncomfortable talking to women.

My WW and I met by accident when I had left home for good and we were both in grad school. We had both come to a bar to rescue our respective roommates from a toxic date. We talked, there was a spark and we started to date. I started to come out of my shell. We fell in love and we married two years later. Our friends predicted it would never work.

Fast forward to December in our fourth year of marriage. Our marriage was good, but not great. WW missed the social life she had grown accustomed to and I resisted attempts to go out more, still being somewhat of a loner.We had moved to a new city, bought a house and I had returned to grad school to improve my future prospects. We both had decent and demanding full time jobs. My father had a stroke and was in a facility basically unable to function, and FIL had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and we had been trying to,get pregnant for the last year without success.

I was cramming for finals and WW wanted to go to her company Christmas Party with friends. No big deal. When it got to be 1:00am I panicked. When her friends finally brought WW home she was very drunk but alert enough. She was a mess. She sobbed and kept saying she was sorry. She confessed that she had kissed two guys at the party, and then had oral sex with one of them in a back room at the facility. She said she just got up in the excitement of the party and let herself go. She said she hardly knew the men involved and had no feelings for them. I am a runner, but at that moment I could not breathe. My crisis instincts honed in my childhood kicked in. I told WW I loved her and that she was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I also told her that in the morning she was going to have to move out. She pleaded and begged but I was firm. I wept.

After my exams the next day we loaded her things and she moved in with her aunt. I called her parents and explained that we were separated. I told WW to take the time to figure out what she needed to make her happy, but that may not be with me. I had to figure out what I needed to be happy. We did not spend the holidays together or exchange gifts. We did talk often but only about finance and her dad’s health. I was devastated by her actions and I did not feel she understood how terribly hurt I was. We did not communicate about any daily activities or work or school matters.

After the first of the year I made up my mind and filed for divorce and she was served. WW was angry and upset and lashed out. I told her that I had spent almost my entire life as a pawn in my parent’s abusive marriage and I was not going to spend another minute with someone who did not respect our marriage or her vows. We did not speak for several weeks. I continued with school and my job but it was tough to get by. I joined a running club. I was determined to continue to grow and pursue my dreams although I was consumed with the loss of my marriage.

We had been separated almost four months and barely spoken in weeks, when I decided to take WW’s older brother to spring baseball game. Her brother is mentally disabled He can’t read or write but he is a great, fun guy. When WW were dating I would spend hours playing simple games with him waiting for WW to be ready. We were standing outside the stadium waiting to get in the game when out of no where WW appears and hugs me and starts to cry. Her parents had told her where I was. She could not believe I was still helping her brother. We both stood there in a crowd hugging and crying, and while everyone stared, I held her at arms length and told her: there’s no need for tears, I hear the team is much improved”. Everyone laughed and dispersed.

After the game, we went for dinner and talked. WW gave me a letter of apology she had written and told me how sorry she was for her actions. She told me that she realized that with everything I had suffered in my childhood, that her actions had been especially hurtful. She said she knew what she wanted, and she wanted to be married to me. I told her I needed to see changes, and we agreed to have lunch later in the week.

At lunch I was struck by the stark contrast to her previous appearance. She had cut her hair short and she was dressed in a suit. She had never dressed so conservatively before. She told me she had quit her job and apologized to her coworkers for her actions at the party. She had gotten a new job and had gone to EAP for counseling on her workplace demeanor. Before she quit her previous job she talked to female coworkers and they told her she needed to clean up her act at work. She was much too friendly and even flirty.

She gave me a card with a hand written note listing why she loved me. She told me she would make sure I always felt like number one in her life. I asked about parties, and she agreed that we would only attend social gatherings together. I was skeptical and hurt, but I missed her greatly, and I agreed to give it a try and the divorce was put on hold.

My WW was true to her word. She did everything possible to make me feel loved. She was able to answer every question I had about the Christmas Party incident. I never asked her what happened during our separation. I didn’t care. My WW told me that after some IC through her employer she realized she had used male approval for validation and happiness. What she realized during our separation was that I made her happy, made her laugh every day, and gave her sincere love. Our sex life was slow to come around. My defenses were still up and I still had anger over what she had done.

After about twenty months in R I decided to soften my heart to her and make myself vulnerable. I decided I was going to be happy and not let the actions of others control me. I told her how much I appreciated her changes and her honesty. We cuddled more and became more comfortable around each other. Our son was born one year after we got back together and the second boy fifteen months later. The passion returned to our sex life. My WW watched for signs when I would trigger around the holidays and she would hold me and we would talk. I reciprocated when she was overcome with shame and humiliation for what she had done.

When our youngest went to school I encouraged her and she completed a commuter masters program with many nights and weekends away over two years while working full time. She never let me wonder where she was or who she was with. When she graduated, she encouraged me, and although working full time I went to Law School part time evenings and weekends and graduated four years later. We both made sure in the hectic schedule to make time for each other. We had rough patches and serious stresses and arguments but we never called each other names. I learned not to shut down in an argument and to be more open with her. I learned to make an effort to go with her to social events (even though I still detested them) and help her enjoy them, and not just sulk while out at a party or concert. And I always made sure to try and make her laugh every day, and I was usually successful.

It wasn’t until fifteen years that I hit my emotional wall. I started to withdraw at night after the kids were in bed and drink until I passed out. It felt so right. It was like I was gently falling down a black hole. This went on for months. I had never been much of a drinker for obvious reasons, but now Inwas drinking a lot everyday. One night when WW tried to help me drunk up to bed, I made a snide remark about her being good in a dark room. The next day she told me what I said. She said she deserved the remark but it still hurt. After all those years the hurt from the infidelity still lingers. With WW’s help I got into IC and I learned that the sadness and depression I was feeling was a normal reaction to what I had experienced in my youth. I was grieving my childhood. I got it, over the next several months I got more counseling and I worked my way back to myself. WW patiently supported me all along the way.

Today we are still married and still going strong. We have survived child health scares, job changes, many moves, stage two breast cancer (metastatic), mastectomy, and many months of chemo, with a good prognosis. My WW confided years after DDay that she was confused when we separated and I filed for divorce. She was always being pursued by men, she was the “catch”, but I did not pursue her, and instead she wanted to pursue me. It was totally confusing, but it forced her to come to terms with her infidelity and her immaturity. I think that all of the crises I had to face in my childhood actually prepared me to handle my DDay in a way that gave our marriage the best chance of reconciling. Yesterday was our DDay, thirty four years ago, and we are still very much in love. Does the pain of infidelity ever go away. Not in my case. I feel it especially during the holidays. But the pain is overwhelmed by all the wonderful life memories we have created since DDay. If you’ve made it through this wall of text I hope my story can help someone facing the same issues.

[This message edited by fareast at 12:20 AM, December 11th (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8044455
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RisingFromTheAshes ( Member #56142) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

Oh my, never thought I'd be in a position to post here. But I posted on a separate thread and Want2BeHappyAgain suggested it actually fits here. Yikes! I'm still apprehensive about it, but here goes:

So often on here we read stories of 2nd (or 3rd/4th/5th/etc.) DDays, false R, and other trials/tribulations. This is a place of support, so it makes sense that we post in our time of need. That's what I've done.

I also know that it can be scary as hell to read those things, especially as you're trying to navigate R.

And it can be scary as hell to post positive updates, lest we jinx ourselves.

But, alas, I'll take a risk here and mention that things are going well. R is going well.

WH is working diligently and consistently on FOO and other issues in IC. The skills and things he's learning are flowing over into the marital relationship in a positive and beneficial way.

I'm in IC working hard on myself and knowing I'm enough and making the right choices for me, regardless of what others might think.

We stopped MC a while back. It felt forced. It felt like it took my energy and attention away from myself, which is where I need my energy at the moment. Since we stopped, we have actually gotten stronger by focusing on ourselves and being our true selves in the marriage. It's kind of nice.

There's a lot of learning happening. By both of us. A lot of growing. A lot of being open to hard conversations, hard realities. And that is a good thing.

It's not perfect. There are still hard days where the reality of what WH did, what he said, the lies he told, and everything else hit me like a semi. But WH is there with his love and support and patience any time that happens (without any defensiveness or excuses or explanation).

We still don't know what will happen down the road...but I suppose we never know. There is no guarantee that this won't happen again. There is no guarantee that this isn't false R. But there's no guarantee that we even get a tomorrow so I'm appreciating the good in today.

I guess I wrote all of that to say, if you're in R, and if your WS is truly remorseful and willing to put in the work, it can get better. You can get through this. You can have good days. Happy days. And that's ok. And just because you have a hard day, it doesn't mean it's hopeless, it doesn't mean all the work is for naught. The hard days are an opportunity for you to focus on yourself and your pain and your reality and figure out what you need to move forward. The hard days are an opportunity for your WS to step up to the plate and support and love you.

For so long, I feared happiness. I feared the vulnerability that came with happiness. But the reality is, bad things are going to happen, no matter what. Being miserable isn't going stop bad things from happening or make it any less miserable. Being happy isn't going to make bad things happen or make it any more miserable.

Misery is a part of life. So is happiness. Our time here is finite. We need to take advantage of and embrace the moments of happiness, joy, and love.

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"

posts: 169   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Earth
id 8046461
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uxorpatricius ( Member #59933) posted at 10:14 PM on Wednesday, December 13th, 2017

I haven't been on this past week. But I see this page needs another one.

About a week ago, my husband and I were to go to dinner with a couple that is struggling in their reconciliation.

And the wife didn't show. A long story - but it is someone else's story, so I will leave it at that.

But I just want to say my husband was a rockstar! A man, right there, supporting another marriage and another man's crisis.

He was so guiding and action oriented. As a former wayward husband, he is living what recovery back to faithfulness looks like. The chance to save his marriage is now being paid forward as a chance for others if they will do the work. I only added in ways to support...it is so much more effective and powerful if guidance is man to man and woman to woman. I hope I see his wife soon.

I just want to say that, even a truly reconciled marriage has it's ups and downs. But the ups are so much more healthy on both of our parts. There is ever growing action. And, to pay it forward...that has a healing element of its own. And, it is truly brave for a man to talk feelings and actions with other men. Very brave.

When my formerly wayward husband works to help other men in marriage crisis, I am so proud of him.

Reconciling and mostly doing well now.
D-Day Summer 2013 - M 20+ years.
Our children - young adults
Me: BW -3 years of IC.
Him: formerlyWH, Mr. Uxor still in IC by his choice.

posts: 714   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2017   ·   location: US
id 8046730
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BlackHeartBroken ( Member #58669) posted at 8:23 PM on Monday, December 18th, 2017

I think I will try to post to this page more often, I'm the first to admit that although this site has been a huge help, it also drags me down and scares me with the pessimism...

This past Friday we had our annual holiday party. It is always such a scene and SO MUCH FUN. I love having parties.

But this year, as I was prepping the day of, I was sad. Sad because at our party last year my WH told my son (then 16) and some of his friends that it's okay to be a dork because if you study and work hard you end up with a hot wife that you love and loves you back. They were all like, awwwwwwwww! But then ten days later he went out of town for work and met up with OW.

I was sad while I was getting ready, thinking about where he was last year, and him saying that one week, then doing her the next. My WH could tell I was uneasy, and told me he loved me, that he was an idiot, and selfish...THEN. He reminded me, and he is so good about this when I go to these places, that that was THEN and this NOW. He said we need to make a new memory with this year's party, and that he'd do everything he can to make me feel comfortable and happy.

All night he would make eye contact and smile from across the room, and one time we crossed in a hallway and he grabbed me and kissed me, said he loved me so much, and then kept going.

He really helped me enjoy the night. I had a few moments, but overall I had a good time. And I had a good time in part because of his willingness to work and help me. Swoon!

BW
LTA 14/15mos
D-Day 4/18/17
In R mode...
M to WH (Scarletman) 17 yrs
3 boys, ages 20, 16, 14
“We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

posts: 495   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2017   ·   location: New England
id 8050162
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HFSSC ( Member #33338) posted at 2:56 AM on Tuesday, December 19th, 2017

I've been planning this post since Thursday but this is the first chance I've really had to sit and write.

JM and I celebrated our 21st Anniversary last week. 6 years since our vow renewal and the beginning of our true covenant M. About 10 am, I got a call from the receptionist at work to say I had a delivery. I wasn't expecting flowers because things have been pretty tight recently. When I walked to the front desk, the receptionist said, "I'm not sure you're going to be able to carry them." I thought she was kidding.

She wasn't. It was the most enormous, beautiful arrangement of cut flowers. Roses, hydrangeas, stargazer lilies, I don't even know what else. It was breathtaking. And there was also an angel with a music box that plays Amazing Grace. People came from all over the building to see the flowers that HF's husband sent.

Even better than that, though, is the amazing change that has happened in both of us. My H is the most honest, kind, strong, generous man I know. He is a leader in our community now, and is known to be a man of God who can be trusted and depended upon. We just announced in church yesterday that God is leading him and us into ministry. He will be pursuing ordination and we will be ministering to families in crisis. During the last 3 years we have been involved with a particular Christian ministry. If you've ever opened a drawer in a hotel or motel, you're probably familiar with this ministry. Over the past 2 years JM has spoken at many churches. He always shares his testimony, and a huge part of it is what brought us to SI. We share about our R and we have had countless contacts-- people coming up to us after the service, phone calls from pastors, Facebook messages-- asking us to pray with them, pray for them, meet with them, etc. There are so many hurting people and we have hope to offer them.

I am so excited about this. We are a team, a partnership and we are embarking on something good. I am proud of my H. When I hear someone say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," I always think. "Oh, you have never met this man."

He is as different from the man he was 7 years ago as any human being could possibly be. He smiles. He never really smiled before. But when he smiles now, it reaches down to his soul and you can tell it's real. He takes time with people. He has a group of older people that he visits every week, just to see them and offer to do anything they might need. He visits the county jail every other week and prison once a month. He looks after my parents, fixes my mom's computer every week, and never complains. He will not drive past someone broken down on the side of the road; he almost always stops to help.

I wish I could tell you everything I love about him. The most important thing is this: for the first 15 years of our M, I felt like the whole world was on my shoulders. I had to handle all of the grown up stuff-- bills, Dr appointments, school issues, disciplining our kids, all of it. I was resentful and did not trust or respect him. But today, he leads our home in every way. He makes me want to be a better person every day. With him, I now feel safe.

There is hope.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4595   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8050450
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psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 3:47 PM on Tuesday, December 19th, 2017

Hello and thanks for stopping in to read my positive reconciliation story

It's been over 3 years now, and while my path toward R and healing has been fairly steady and forward, it's also been brutal and discouraging at times. The old "one step forward, two steps back" thing at various times. But things have settled down to a great degree now.

He's made tremendous progress, continues to work on change and improvement in himself. Yesterday he received an offer for a position in our town that he's been working toward for the past 4 weeks (from initial resume submission to 2 interviews to now). It brought him to tears. Because there is much significance to this move and new beginning.

See, this is MY town. I grew up here. I graduated from high school here, learned to drive cars here, first drank alcohol and made lifelong friends here. I moved away for nearly 20 years to attend college, get married, have my babies. But when it was time to raise the babies, we decided to move back here to this small community to be close to my family, as well as some of his. We've now raised our girls here, and they are now off on their own (well, one is still in college, but she's pretty much fledged by now )

His As took place at his workplace. A co-worker (EA), then a PA with a tenant at an apartment complex he managed, then another PA when he got a promotion and "white shirt" job managing a facility and found fawning middle-aged desperate women. Anyhoo . . .this was in a larger community 40 miles away.

When DDay hit so many changes came over him. He was destroyed by the knowledge of what he had done, who he had become, what he risked and was close to losing forever. He started on the path of self-improvement and the responsibility of proving himself to me and our daughters. One thing that's continued is his hatred of the car commute to this other city. The triggers that surround him there only occasionally hit him, and he has only eyed one of the OW twice in the 3 years since he went NC with them all.

One of his early goals was to "have a more meaningful life". When pressed, he said he's always enjoyed playing and working with children, and yes, he was a really great dad when our girls were little. He spoke of an urge to give back to the community, feel proud of himself in ways he'd never felt before. Mainly because he'd never done much outside himself. No volunteer work, more interest in things that gave him pleasure more directly. In a nutshell, he was a selfish, egotistical, vain asshole for many years of our marriage. And yes, that mindset fueled his affairs and his belief that he could get away with it and not get caught; because he was special and entitled.

All of that blew up on him on DDay. And for 3 years he's been working to find out how to make some of these bigger changes related to doing more outside of himself. So this new job. It's with the school district. He told me lastnight that he feels the past 3 years, both professionally as well as personally, have prepared him for this moment. He was in tears. THIS is what he'd always wanted, hoped for, thought himself to be. And now this opportunity has been offered to him and he is very humbled and proud.

So next month he will begin this new position. No more car commute. Minutes from our home, so he can ride his bike to work if he chooses. More of an opportunity to make his way into our community, to make a difference in the lives of children. Earn the respect of people based on his performance on this job, rather than simply being "Psych's husband".

At first I was hesitant. What if he failed? What if he did something to embarrass me and my reputation? After all, this is MY home town and community. But one of the first things he told me, and his IC, was that he didn't want to "dishonor Psych" in any way. He knew my reputation is at stake as much (or more) than his own. He knows I have doubts about him making himself this visible after all he's done in the past. His acknowledging this has helped ease my mind about this to a good degree; I know he's aware of it, knows that this is a huge test and one he does not want to fail at. And for us it means more time at home to do things together, actually a pay raise that was unexpected. As he put it, an opportunity for a new beginning.

So that's my positive R story of the moment. Not perfect, but if it were, it would not be real or authentic. Real R is still a bit rough around the edges, a bit messy, but with the constant thread of working together to make it better. Our marriage is stronger than it's ever been. We actually work as a team today. And now there's this BIG thing that he sees as a defining moment. A chance to finally put everything that he's learned in the past 3 years into practice, a chance to prove to me that I was right to give him this chance. To continue to work to create the relationship that makes me feel safe with him, to believe that I made the right choice.

And while he does that, I am working on my lingering anger. THAT is the beast I have yet to slay completely. Because that anger is not directed at things he's doing presently, but at the things he did in the past. And I haven't quite yet found a way to let all of that go. There is work yet to do. But we're doing it together. And now, we'll be able to do it with him closer to home, away from the place where it all happened (not that that's been an issue for us but it's a nice extra to have him away from there), with more time and energy to work on being mentally and physically as strong and healthy as we both can be.

[This message edited by psychmom at 9:54 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14
Reconciled

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 8050820
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