SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while since I've posted about my situation but it is late, I can't call anyone and didn't know where to turn to vent.

I need to preface this by saying I am married to a full blown narcissist and never understood things I had experienced over the years are narcissistic abuse. If only I knew long ago what that is and that it's their way of being.

Those who were here during my time on SI may remember my story. It's way too long to write. Let's say the years following DDay have not been good. I deluded myself into believing I could rebuild the marriage when the truth is infidelity had always been an instant dealbreaker for me. There were many factors that led to me not divorcing him, financial being the top.

His "fauxmorse" as I call it was brief. Questions never answered. I have been told I need to just get over it. The A comes up by me in every argument because so much is unresolved and never will be.

My healing and growth over the years happened due to reading, therapy, friends, and this forum. I don't do anything with him and after we moved to another state and bought a home I do everything alone.

My daughter whom I am very close to still lives in my native state. She has been through a lot these last few years including grieving my mom, her beloved Nana. She told me several months ago that last Christmas she found out her boyfriend was cheating and she had spent Christmas Eve taking an Uber to his home to drop his stuff off and she spent Christmas alone. This broke my heart because she deserves so much better.

So my choice was taking a road trip with my son to be with her or staying home and spending my day alone in the kitchen cooking. For a man who has broken my heart, our marriage, and has told me he hasn't had any respect for me for a long time. Who has treated me like a burden when I've had illness or injury. Who wasn't there for me during my grieving over the loss of my mother. Who thinks I'm worthless because I'm a housewife.

I knew there would be an argument and it came tonight. He's furious I left him alone for Christmas. Never mind he left me alone for years of our marriage when he was stepping out. He has ruined countless holidays in the past with his temper. In my eyes his being alone on the holiday pales in comparison to what he's done to me. I didn't do this for any other reason than wanting to be with my daughter at Christmas which was the first time since 2020, another Christmas that had ended in disaster thanks to him.

During this fight of course the A came up because it always does. That's what happens when there have been no questions answered and no true remorse accompanied by ongoing shitty narcissistic behavior.

He told me I deserved to be cheated on and that has thrown me, for tonight at least, back to the raw pain I felt 9 years ago. I'm not perfect but I didn't deserve it. No one deserves to have this pain inflicted on them. If he hated me so much he should have divorced me.

It's too late to call anyone and I didn't know what to do. I feel exactly as I did that late night years ago as the pieces were coming together and I couldn't call anyone. So I sat in my room alone as I am now feeling like I want to scream until I have no voice left.

I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE CHEATED ON.

I just didn't.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 5:12 AM, Monday, December 30th]

I am sorry you are in this situation. You deserve better. Everyone does. Nobody deserves to be cheater on. It is a hateful way for the cheater to try and avoid responsibility for their choices. It is late, so not many responses yet. I am sure tomorrow will bring more helpful posts from others. All I can say is you need to find a way to remove him from your life. Have you talked to a Lawyer?

I have never used this acronym before, but OMFG! He's a f*ng psychopath/sociopath.

Dr. Ramani has YouTube videos that helped me a lot to understand the abuse. Queen Beeing was also helpful in working through the abuse.

So sorry, this is so rough.
ETA: Nobody deserves to be cheated on. So many more options.

[This message edited by leafields at 6:29 AM, Monday, December 30th]

I remember you our WS’s are very similar. My xWS is a diagnosed narcissist and I have lived through the same hell including being blamed for his cheating. I stayed initially because of the kids and finances then slowly gained my financial independence. I finally left after many years of limbo in a horrible marriage. I hope one day you are able to do the same. Even maybe move in with your daughter until you can get on your feet again.

Anything is better than staying with these malignant POS’s. It ruins your health too not only physically but mentally as well I didn’t realize how much damage had been done to me until after I left. My health now is my highest priority. I will never let another person affect me in that way ever again.

I know it’s scary to leave but it would be the best for you in the long run. Many hugs to you!

No - you do not "deserve" to be cheated on. Nor did you "make" him cheat.

There is an old adage that goes something like "walking into a brick wall AGAIN and expecting a different result is insane". If your husband has been categorized medically as a narcissist and is not doing treatment or taking whatever pills might help him, then expecting anything other than narcissistic behavior from him isn’t sensible. He is what he is, and he will lash out with the intent of exonerating himself at the cost of others. Without change he will do it again. And again. And again...

I think you need to find ways to avoid that brick wall... Maybe even remove it so it no longer impacts you.

That could be by changing the wall – but it doesn’t sound like your husband is taking anything or doing anything about his mental condition.
That could be by removing that wall... And that can take time. That’s OK – time is OK – as long as you are taking action and steps to make that happen. That sounds like what crazyblindsided did, and based on what she shares she is now living a content life. Blame-free...

Malibu you absolutely did NOT deserve to be cheated on. He does not sound like a person conducive to a healthy life - I agree with other commenters that you should speak to an attorney and see what separation looks like to free yourself from this endless suffering.

It also sounds like you are dealing with this totally alone. I would suggest you open up a close friend or relative who you can trust to get some this off your chest and their perspective or opinion might be really helpful to you. It’s such a lonely experience that’s why this forum is great place if you have no where else to turn.

Spending more time doing things for you that fill your own cup will give you a lot more independence and confidence and bring you moments of joy which we all need more when we are constantly battling the mental thoughts and images.

Wishing you all the best.

"And you deserve to be alone on Christmas. And every day."

Is divorcing an option you want to consider?

I'm so sorry you had to listen to his hurtful, hate filled words.

You absolutely did not deserve to be cheated on.

Be kind to yourself.

HUGS!!

You’ve repeatedly said that you can’t leave him for financial reasons.

But what price are you paying by putting up with this abuse for the rest of your life?

Thank you for the replies and I see several from my previous time on SI who all were so helpful with their advice. It was always much appreciated.

The past few years have been hard. Moving to another state and being away from friends and my daughter makes it worse. I do go to NY several times a year, often for medical appts for my diabetic son and my own routine check ups and dentist visits. WH retired from his city job and had been told supposedly our insurance was good in the new state. It's not and he has refused to make any changes.

His retirement means he's home. All. The. Time. The only thing that gets him out is the fur baby I adopted 2 years ago. During summer he consumes himself with the yard, in autumn it's leaf clean up. Now that's all done and the only other thing to have him out would be snow. It also means a fixed income and though he said he would work PT once here he has no intention of doing so. Work that needs to be done in the home just isn't happening. It's frustrating.

I still do all the house cleaning, marketing, cooking, laundry, driving my son to and from his university several times a week (he doesn't have a license yet and the way people drive here I honestly don't mind that). In nice weather I talk walks along trails in a nearby park which brings me calming and peace. I have become good friends with my neighbor and confided a lot in her, and we have lunch/shopping dates.

I pretty much have been doing the Gray Rock Method without following a guideline but tick off all the boxes such as brief answers, nodding or shrugging, not sharing things, absolutely no physical contact, and keeping to myself as much as possible. Birthdays and anniversaries are just another day.

He was never formally diagnosed as a narcissist but he more than checks every box. I've read enough and watched enough videos and podcasts to relate to all of it. My therapist based upon what I would tell her insists he is a textbook
narc. Going to therapy is out of the question for him, he doesn't think he's ever at fault, it's always someone else in his eyes.

I have no access to his deferred comp. His pension check goes into the checking account and I do have a debit card (had to fight for years for that) and savings isn't much. Two weeks before my mom passed I fell down the entire flight of stairs at home, the following year my beloved pup ran full speed zoomie right into my knee causing a severe injury as well as what seems to be a fractured wrist. He blew off both injuries making me out to be a drama queen. My leg still gives me pain, a brace is needed some days, and it was never examined primarily because of the insurance issue. I couldn't put any weight on it for 5 weeks, couldn't take the stairs and that enraged him because he sleeps on the couch. I was told I had just decided to lay around for over a month and my cane I needed at the time was thrown down to the basement.

Shortly afterward my tele-therapy, thanks to new restrictions from NY was forced to end along with my prescription for anti anxiety meds. I do have a stockpile and try to use them sparingly. My best friend who had been my rock for years decided the same day I heard about that to back off because she couldn't handle hearing about him anymore. She thinks he is a monster. I was very hurt by that move and pulled away from her for quite a while. Our communication has slowly picked up again but I no longer have the previous support. I have felt very much alone.

With no help on the homefront and having to drive my son which I receive no help with either, laundry and errands my days are pretty full. His have withered down to nothing more than walks with the dog and playdates she has with a neighbors Rottie. At one time he worked, played reffed and coached hockey, was having his A, went out to bars bbqs and concerts whenever he felt like it, played softball and was doing whatever he wanted. I was told then and now that I do nothing. Often as I am getting dinner prepared and going to commute to get my son as WH has his feet on the coffee table, fireplace on and watching TV. It's infuriating and he believes the bullshit he spews.

Divorce would be a blessing. I have never heard one person who managed to escape a toxic marriage say they regret it. If anything they have peace and are happy. I just can't find a way to do it, the numbers don't support it. The thought of someday being an empty nester with him fills me with dread. It is a terrible situation and I feel painted into a corner. Yes I had spoken to an attorney during discovery but aside from not having 10 grand for a retainer, I for some idiotic reason wanted to try and salvage what is a disaster of a marriage.

Stupid choice, among many others, made by me as I was reeling. It would be my number one advice to any newbies, get distance immediately and give yourself time to absorb and be able to think straight. Decisions made in haste at such a highly emotional time aren't good or thought out properly.

BluerThanBlue

I saw your reply after I posted. The financial numbers just aren't there to break away. One of the things my best friend, who had come into a large inheritance said was that she felt I could leave with no money. Anyone I told that to thought it was preposterous to say. And go where? Housing costs along with everything else are through the roof. My son is a year and a half from getting his Masters in computer science and deserves to achieve that.

When I say I am stuck I'm not exaggerating. What's totally on me is poor planning for my future. It is a regret I have daily but never anticipated the situation I am in. It's a hard lesson learned to say the least.

I knew there would be an argument and it came tonight.

It takes two to have an argument, otherwise it is just one person yelling and the other waiting.

During this fight of course the A came up because it always does.

Because you always bring it up?

When I say I am stuck I'm not exaggerating.

But you are not really stuck. You have choices, none of which you see as good ones, but the fact is every day you don’t move to leave him you choose him.

It looks like you have chosen but you haven’t accepted.

He seems to be as predictable as they come, his "you deserved it" couldn’t have been completely surprising as a desperate comeback against your "you cheated" trump card. He seems to be that kind of person. A person that you choose every day when you rise from bed to stay with, for your good reasons.

You talked about him in your post, but really I think you fighting with yourself about the choice you are making. He is almost irrelevant at this point. He is who he is. Predictable as a clock. The dog that barks when you walk by the yard. Not deserving of attention or discussion. The barking annoying dog.

Since you’ve made the choice, try focusing on accepting it totally. Like it was your choice. He is what he is, faults are known, get on with your life. Skip the struggling, be like the water that flows around the rock (him).

Or maybe make a difference choice when you get up one day.

MBB,
I am so sorry that things have not improved for you. I know folks at SI pressured you to leave him - he had shown you who he was and it was clear he had no intention of changing. I wish we were wrong.

Bigger is correct that what you need is ACCEPTANCE since you are not going to get change from him. And you bringing up the A during all arguments means you are not at acceptance yet. I heard on the radio today an interview where an author said that "forgiveness is acceptance of the past." I think you need to achieve that. It’s not forgiveness in the traditional sense, but rather is radical acceptance and letting go of the deep anger. Does not make it okay. Does not make it less painful. But it happened, he’s not really sorry, and he never will be. And when you bring up the A, he lashes out. Since you can only control you, you need to stop provoking him. Gray rock is good.

Are your kids his kids, too? I don’t recall.

What can you do in your house to give you the space you need for your sanity? Are you in separate bedrooms? Can you set up a home office for you that can be your refuge? Can you get a part-time job out of the house (or volunteer) to both give you confidence AND a reason to get away from him for a few hours? You need to set yourself up for when your son is out of the house.

I understand that financial concerns are real. But so is your mental health. Have you spoken to a lawyer to understand what your financial position would be legally? It seems worth re-evaluating that against the pain for where you are. Perhaps it is not as dire as you fear. What would divorce plus a part-time job look like?

You mentioned he is retired. Are you on Medicare? Why is your medical care so bad you can’t see a doctor for an injury? (Sorry if that is an ignorant question - but around me there are clinics for the uninsured that are lower cost… perhaps something like that by you?). Have you explored things like BetterHelp and group therapy - they can be less expensive ways to get IC. You may also find an IC that works on a sliding scale.

I am so sorry you are going through this and that your daughter also experienced the pain of cheating. Please keep working to find a resolution that allows you to gain some semblance of peace. You deserve better.

Sending ((((hugs)))). Glad you reached back out. You DID NOT deserve to be cheated on. Ever.

I just want to offer some support. IMO, your H is taking his own pain out on you. You deserve to be loved. You deserve a lot better than he gives you.

My wish for you for 2025 (and ever after) is for you to come up with your way of protecting yourself, surviving, and thriving, however long it takes.

I'll ask the following with some hesitation: You talk of your sitch as being one of Victim and Narcissist. If you change that to victim and abuser, will that change your view of your options?

HOP

The argument started because he will not allow me to turn on the outdoor Christmas lights. They are lit every year until my birthday which is The Epiphany. He says Christmas is over, that he didn't have one, and that if I turn them on he'll go outside and rip everything down and smash it. Yes I do bring up the A because that hurt is still there. I was expected to let it go and forget about it. I cannot forget the damage done to me, the 7 years of therapy, the popping of Xanax like tic tacs to prevent an anxiety attack. His utter lack of remorse and bullshit crumbs of being "sorry" just don't cut it.

Yes I am stuck so please don't make such a broadbrush statement without full knowledge of my financial situation. I have zero access to his deferred comp so he still is in control of the bulk of the finances. I Penny pinch yet when he wants something the money is there. Like for the trip he's taking to Las Vegas in the spring to see his favorite band which will cost thousands. Like the 3 tickets for their show closer to home in May at 700 a pop. I've been waiting 3 years to have my bathroom done, it's covered in spackle marks and thats as far as he went. Like waiting to have the stairway and hall painted and wondering when the paper he put down for the floor will wear out. Try living with that barking dog. Try years, decades of walking on eggshells because things that normal people will let slide are things he will rage about.

BB

I don't expect to change him, what I had hoped over the years is he would do some soul searching. His entire family is estranged from him. His father passed about 2 years ago and he only found out because a legal notice came from "the old country" his parents had moved back to. Turns out he was completely cut out of the will including rights to property. No one, and I mean no one contacted him to inform him of this death. He is friends with some cousins on FB and none reached out at all. Friends of his have fallen away, tired of his BS. When working there were always conflicts that arose and of course it was never his fault. My daughter cannot stand him and has not yet come to visit me because of him.

My son is his, my daughter was from a previous relationship and I was abandoned at 6 months in my pregnancy. She was 3 when we became a couple. WH said he never signed up to take care of me and her. She asks him for nothing, she wants nothing from him. Bringing her up and attacking her in our arguments is merely to hurt me.

Our insurance is not Medicare but is mainly limited to NY.

I have tried to just go about my business and do everything on my own. I don't ask him for help at all unless absolutely necessary. He sleeps on the couch and has since about 2009 which is when red flags went up. It used to bother me but now I wouldn't want to share a bed with him. He's always in the living room and I don't get to enjoy it. He pretty much has first floor living and I have a bedroom.

Sisoon

Thank you for the kind words. No it really wouldn't change my view because to me narcissist and abuser are one and the same. The treatment they dole out is abuse and it doesn't have to be physical, the emotional and mental wounds are just as real.

I have tried to just go about my business and do everything on my own. I don't ask him for help at all unless absolutely necessary. He sleeps on the couch and has since about 2009 which is when red flags went up. It used to bother me but now I wouldn't want to share a bed with him. He's always in the living room and I don't get to enjoy it. He pretty much has first floor living and I have a bedroom.

MBB, hey, I remember you.

If I read this right, your husband has been sleeping on the couch for 15 years...

That is a really long time to be in the doghouse. If you asked him to return to your bed, would he? Are you still punishing him? Because sleeping on the couch is pretty severe.

My wife has not slept with me in 4 years. I consider that a cruel punishment. However, as she has had some really difficult medical conditions, I can perhaps understand. I have a whole "terrace level" to enjoy with a kitchen, movie room, large bedroom, family room, etc. It's not a couch, it's a 1400 sq ft oasis.

I don't know about all of this narcissist behavior as I haven't experienced it, but I HAVE experienced the fauxmorse. After 10 years I think one needs to put it in the past, or it will always be in the present. Is it something that he will always need to have hanging over him? My wife sorta apologized, but not what she should have. Some just don't get it. For your health and well being, one needs to forgive and let go. I'm not saying that all is right and that it is forgotten. One cannot forget something like infidelity. But to let go of the right to instill consequences, to release oneself from seeking justice... it is something worth seeking for yourself. It will remove a weight from your back.

MBB I think we may have disagreed in the past about something or other. I can't remember. Please know that I feel for you and wish you healing, and justice, and relief from the burden of infidelity that was heaped upon you.

Love,

NP5

Hey NP I remember you too but not any disagreement.

If I read this right, your husband has been sleeping on the couch for 15 years...

That is a really long time to be in the doghouse. If you asked him to return to your bed, would he? Are you still punishing him? Because sleeping on the couch is pretty severe.

Yes 15 years is a long time, we were married 7 years when that started becoming his chosen routine. No I never asked him to sleep on the couch, HE began doing it himself. Always an excuse....oh I just fell asleep....it's too hot in the bedroom.....you steal the blankets when you're asleep. Yes it upset me very much and I tried numerous times to ask him to sleep in bed to no avail. The time that stands out the most was when I was crying about it, saying that I sleep alone. The response was him getting in my face, sneering at me while he stuck his finger in my face saying "Yes you do" as if I deserved it.

It got to a point I felt like a prostitute because even after having sex he would leave the room to have a cigarette and not come back. I've woken up to countless holidays, birthdays and anniversaries alone. When I was first home from the hospital recovering from Sepsis I basically had to ask him to sleep in bed, I was terrified of a relapse. He rolled his eyes and did it begrudgingly for about 2 nights.

My daughter told me that she had suspected he was cheating because of the fact he was choosing to sleep on the couch. Even she saw it as a huge red flag.

Forgive me but to ask if I am "still punishing him" tells me that my situation isn't coming across. All I ever did was love this asshole. I've never treated him as he has me. I've never publicly embarrassed him. Verbally abused him. Mocked him. Thrown things at him. Withheld affection. Cheated on him. Slammed doors in his face. Screamed at him so the whole block hears it. Fly into a rage over nothing. Yet these are some things that have been done to me.

It is all classic narcissistic behavior and unless you have experienced it, you won't be able to understand. I honestly envy you or anyone who hasn't. They're not wired right, there's no empathy, no moral compass and have very bad tempers. They wear that mask well, but when it drops all hell breaks loose.

The argument started because he will not allow me to turn on the outdoor Christmas lights. They are lit every year until my birthday which is The Epiphany. He says Christmas is over, that he didn't have one, and that if I turn them on he'll go outside and rip everything down and smash it.

That is abusive. He is essentially redirecting his abusive violence against some inanimate objects, but the target of his violence is you.

Do you have a red line, that if he crossed it you would split? Does he know what the red line is?

It is all classic narcissistic behavior

What you have described is all abusive behavior.

You’ve been heard, MBB.

I don't come on often anymore. Sometimes I go months without coming back here, but I remember you. I honestly thought you'd finally divorced him. Why haven't you? I hate to think of you still putting up with this nonsense in 5 years, 10 even. Hell move back and stay with your daughter while you get back on your feet and figure things out.
Nobody ever deserves to be cheated on. Fuck him. But you do yourself a great disservice by staying. I hope the new year sees you happier and healthier with a lot less dead weight around your neck.

MBB: So great that you came back for support, as I am relatively new and haven't seen your older posts. My situation is rather similar to yours. My WH won't talk to me or look at me all day, then the next day he will sit down next to me and chat me up like nothing is unusual. He brought me gifts one day, then the very next day he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. First time he has ever said this to me. WTF. Yesterday he told me that we are all done, then took a phone call and was happily and loudly carrying on with his phone call - like he was happy he said that to me. Our financial situation seems similar to yours. My health unfortunately as well. I don't mention what he has done, but he finds ways to bring it up and then tries to blame me for it. Now I walk away when those moments happen. I hope and pray that my health improves good enough in the coming months so I can figure a way out of this. We have a beautiful home that we both worked so hard for, and right now I'm ready to sell it for a tiny apartment with street parking. I can' t take care of this place physically anymore anyways. My body is falling apart, and I'm still shocked by some of the things that he says to me.
Nothing will change for me until I change it, I just wish that I would have done that change years ago. Only our ICs know what is going on.