SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Icantgetpastthis

My WH won't talk to me or look at me all day, then the next day he will sit down next to me and chat me up like nothing is unusual. He brought me gifts one day, then the very next day he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. First time he has ever said this to me. WTF. Yesterday he told me that we are all done, then took a phone call and was happily and loudly carrying on with his phone call - like he was happy he said that to me.

I can relate to this very well. The year prior to uncovering his A I had yet again asked if something was wrong or going on. He had always insisted everything was fine. This time he very matter of factly said he wasn't happy and if things didn't change he didn't know if he wanted to stay in the marriage. Never elaborated. Communicated. Nothing. I was shocked and hurt but he just acted normally after that. Bought a new TV, planned a family vacation that we went on and had a great time as crazy as that sounds. As soon as we got home his attitude shifted back to dick mode. He ignored our anniversary weeks later and 3 days later I was in ICU with sepsis and I know his A continued despite that. He had even bragged what a great birthday he had when I was in the hospital. Cold blooded.

The "happily and loudly" part of your comment sounds like my WH particularly the loud part. This dramatic shift in their behavior is unsettling and leaves you in constant flight or fight because you do not know what to expect. They like it that way. Never an apology, no matter what has been said and then they revert to conversation as if nothing happened. It's psychotic if you ask me and I've wondered if he is bipolar.

He can 100% fool people who don't know him well into thinking he's this great guy. So helpful. Funny. Gift of gab. They have no idea what he's really like and it's maddening.

Hugs to you, I completely understand how you feel, especially looking back through the woulda coulda shoulda lens. The what ifs, if only scenarios play out in my head often as I'm sure you could relate to. Honestly this is someone I never should have married and the only thing to come of it that I'm greatful for is my son.

HOP

Thanks for the support and yes it is abusive behavior. The red line would be physical abuse.

I can't help but wonder what would happen if HE left you tomorrow? I think that's the thing that would move me to just rip off this bandage and get out. I know it's terrifying but there has got to be a better scenario for you than living with him this way.

OK I know I know, the leaving and the finances again...bear with me. Is your insistence you are financially trapped in the marriage based on actual legal advice you received from your consultation with an attorney (or two or three)? I notice you mention not having "access" to certain funds currently, and it hints at financial abuse to me. Moving you away from your family and friends and him being home all the time sound like isolation and control as well. In the legal process of separation and divorce, you will have rights to your portion of marital assets. This can absolutely extend to portions of pensions and other retirement vehicles - again, qualified, local legal advice is necessary to truly evaluate your options.

I don't post here anymore. Tonight I thought I'd check in,to see if anyone I cared about, had posted recently.

You're POS is horrible. Cruel. Downright fucking mean. I know BS are expected to take the high road,but the high road is overrated. He deserves nothing but misery.

I understand your financial situation isn't ideal. I fear that, one day, he's going to physically abandoned you,just as thoroughly as he emotionally abandoned you, years ago. Please take some steps to make sure you will be ok when that happens.

Of course you didn't deserve to be cheated on. He's lashing out, trying to hurt you because he's a miserable SOB. Fuck that, and fuck him.

What would you do if your husband left you? What would you if he died or was abducted by aliens?

Can you imagine getting old with this man and relying on him for care? What happens if he’s ever in a position where he has to make life or death decisions on your behalf? Do you trust him to act in your best interests?

And lastly, do you really not have any options or is it just that you don’t like the options that are available to you? If leaving seems risky, you need to consider the risks of staying with a cruel and abusive man when you enter a particularly vulnerable stage of life.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:34 AM, Thursday, January 2nd]

Agreed, nobody deserves this.

That is the behavior of an unremorseful spouse.

My FWS blamed me for her affair, for years, even in counseling for six months she blamed me, saying, I worked all the time, I was gone all the time, I was never home, painted me in a terrible light. I kept protesting that this wasn't true, she kept saying it was true, that I was never around.

When she actually got remorseful, she confessed that I had been home watching the children when she started having sex with the other man. She said it had nothing to do with me, that it was all her, there was no reason for what she had done that she could identify.

I only bring this up because it is so incredible how the viewpoint of a remorseful person versus that of the same person when unremorseful can be so different. I still find this astounding.

I’m so sorry. No one deserves to be cheated on.

I agree with blue. How is this a tenable situation as you move into older, more vulnerable stages of life? This is a terrible person to continue in a life partnership with.

How old are you, and how old is your son? I would flat out ignore your husband—don’t engage with him at all—and start taking steps that will give you other choices. You may not be in a good financial space to leave him right now, but you can slowly get yourself in a better place. Look for a part time job, even one that’s low paid. Think about relocating at a future point to be closer to your daughter. Anything that gives you small steps of independence away from this person who doesn’t care about you at all. Don't think about what you CAN’T do; find one little thing at a time that you CAN do, do it, and move on from there.

I hope the Mods will let this pass. If you use Instagram type in narcissist and then look at what interests you. It will start an algorithm and then will be many therapists who help you learn and manage. Stay here because this place is a goldmine of experienced bs, as you know.

No I never asked him to sleep on the couch, HE began doing it himself. Always an excuse....oh I just fell asleep....it's too hot in the bedroom.....you steal the blankets when you're asleep. Yes it upset me very much and I tried numerous times to ask him to sleep in bed to no avail.

Then I am very sorry for him to do this to you. He definitely should be sleeping with you unless there is a medical reason or sleep issue. It seems like an intentionally hurtful behavior. A cold shoulder to one's request or need for companionship. I think you are very, very patient with him. He has put himself in the doghouse. (((((MBB)))))

MBB: Next week I have an appointment with a divorce attorney - this 1st consult is free. Yes, I'm freaking out. I keep telling myself that it is just information. I've been in love with this man for 50 years. And, I feel like I don't even know him right now. I'm not afraid of being alone as it feels like I already am and have been for a really long time. I have been so loyal and he can't even be honest. How can this be real? I do agree though that my kids are and have been three of the best people in my life. This will never change. I loved my husband when he has been at his worst, and he continues to disrespect me. Why did I put up with all of this? I hope my IC sessions will reveal this to me. I also plan to look for affordable housing (Again, it's just information - right). C'mon MBB, if I can take these baby steps, I hope that you will as well. We can do this. It's just information. Lol. Today I was thinking about how much I will miss our house, but things can go wrong with houses that can cost thousands and thousands to fix. I don't have big money to fix big things. And, my body isn't strong anymore to physically paint rooms and do yardwork. And, I don't need a lot of space. I just need to be happy, and I haven't been for a very long time. Happiness isn't here with him the way that he is right now, the way that he has been. We had so many happy moments when we were younger. I will cherish those moments always. I love him. I always did. I always will.For whatever is his reasons, he didn't love me the same.

ICantGetPastThis, you are amazing and formidable. Hooray for the baby steps!!

Malibu

I want to offer you two possible paths out of your present quandary...

In the above posts we have offered you suggestions on how to get out of your problems, and you have told us that due to all sorts of reasons you cant divorce, can’t move out, basically cant do anything.
Then you give us a glimpse into your marital life – sleep separately, antagonize each other and basically maintain a state of confrontation with no real apparent attempt or will on either side to change.

I fear that – unsurprisingly – with no change or even attempt to change there will be no change...

I’m going to suggest the following two strategies that you can take separately or together...

Contact an abused women’s hotline and seek guidance...
Thes hotlines are not only for battered women, but also for families suffering emotional abuse. Frankly then to me it does sound like that abuse is mutual – but YOU can take the step and call and see what help and guidance they can offer. That could be anything from self-help classes or groups, basic legal guidance, connections to pro-bono attorneys... They can explain why you are NOT financially crippled in leaving this marriage – if that’s what you want. This source can help you find options – options that empower you to decide and implement your next step.
If nothing else this call can confirm for you that you really don’t have options... but I doubt it.

Powered by that you can tell your husband that change is needed. It’s not a demand he come back off the couch, but a demand that you both acknowledge there is something wrong and unhealthy, and both decide to change things to make improvements. Simply being decent to each other verbally would be a great start. Once you start talking – as in both listening and talking – you two can possibly work out what you want. If you KNOW you have an alternative path... that places great power to you and might make him realize he doesn’t hold all the cards.

MBB I’m sorry that you’re feeling alone. I know that if not for your son, who is almost completely dependent on you for his care, you would have tried to leave this situation. Think about how far you have brought him since you moved from NY. I don’t want to put your personal details here but folks here don’t know that we met on here and now know each other in real life. Yes it’s easy to say that Malibu should take one of your suggestions. But you don’t know what she’s facing. She needs her son to be a bit more independent. He is so close to graduating college. Because of her husbands poor choices she has to make long 6 hour trips to take him to the doctor. He refuses to change that. Because she’s his mom, she has to make sure he’s okay. I would absolutely do the same and that’s probably why we became friends. My husband isn’t a Narc, he’s just not the person he should be since his affair 10 years ago. But I would absolutely be committed to making sure my child was done with school and then make a plan for my life afterwards. She came here to release her anguish and most of you just jumped on her for not leaving. It’s crazy expensive all over this country right now, not to mention where we live. Please give her some grace.

My mouth might not have had the ability to not say to the lowlife who said "I deserved to be cheated on" - right back at ya.

Just realize it was said to justify the affair. Nothing more.

MBB,

I think we all want to help you minimize pain and maximize joy in your life. If this thread hasn't helped, please let us know.

In the future, if you label a thread as venting, I expect you'll get the response you want.

You are not alone. People here care about you, even though we don't know you IRL. It looks like the best response is:

I hear you, MBB. Your sitch is especially difficult. I'm so sorry your choices are so limited. And you od not deserve to be cheated on.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:32 PM, Saturday, January 4th]