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Newest Member: cobblerock

Just Found Out :
Spiraling Again only deeper this time

Topic is Sleeping.
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doublerainbow ( member #82239) posted at 6:24 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

I am so sorry you are going through this, Devastated16. You have been heard, and more importantly, you matter. Please seek professional health as others have advised.

3 months is still very fresh, I was only just getting out of autopilot at that time. Start small, and make a checklist at the end of each day / hour of what you have accomplished (yes, even washing your face counts) to get the motivation going.

Sending you strength.

Me: BS (38) Him: WS (45) D-Day (Jan 2022), going through D. 1 DD age 4. Just want to know there’s light at the end of this mess.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2022   ·   location: West Coast
id 8790945
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suddenlyisee ( member #32689) posted at 6:31 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

Dev -
Please seek some immediate help from a health professional - you’re worth it.
Right now you need physical and emotional healing, and it’s there for the asking. You do not have to get through this alone.

With time and perspective, you’ll come to understand that you are not defective.
You were deceived by an expert.

You’ll also come to know that his life is not ‘improved’ or ‘better’ or ‘amazing’ - he is simply riding high on a temporary wave that will soon crash. His new relationship is already deeply flawed and is not only unlikely to last - but is almost assuredly destined to implode.

Semi-pro BS in R

posts: 493   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 8790946
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 7:53 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I felt that way for quite some time. Really focus on your own goals. You had a life before you met this person where you didn't feel the way you do now. You can (and will) have one again. When I started going to IC in earnest things started (slowly) to get better.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2359   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8790952
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:36 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

Hey devasted. The pain is not endless. I KNOW it feels that way, especially on weekends. But our feelings lie to us sometimes, and this is one of those times.

While waiting on IC, have you considered online IC? I used BetterHelp and it worked out well for me. I had a hard time journaling— it felt pointless to me to write to no one - but writing to a therapist made all the difference. Also, since it is asynchronous (or it can be, there are different ways to interact with them online), I could write whenever I needed to. With IRL therapy, I found it hard shortly after DDAY to hold everything in until Thursday at 4:00. So being able to write to my therapist at 7:00am or 11:00pm was helpful. He responded within 24 hours and it helped. Also quite affordable (at least it was a few years back). Something to check out- might be helpful for you.

Find something everyday to look forward to. One member here from back in the day looked for the sunset. The sunset never disappoints. Take those walks. Maybe plan a trip to family or friends in a few months to give you a goal. And trust that you WILL get through this. You really really will. In six months, you will be in such a better place.

And don’t apologize for crying. I cried doing the laundry, making the bed, shopping, driving, getting the car fixed…. That crazy lady with the mascara streaming down her face while driving was me. The women who could not be still for a minute and paced the floors like a caged tiger was me. The one with the far-away stare when in a group and should have been engaged in conversation- that was me. The one who walked around our building at work three times a day just to release that pain, that was me. The one singing sad songs at the top of her lungs in her car like I did as a 14-year old in my room was me. You have to process the pain, and crying is one way. Punch pillows. Use exercise. Use journaling. Use whatever works.

Hang in there. We see you. We value you. We know the world is a better place with you in it. And it does get better.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8790959
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

I know how it feels because I went through some really horrifying experiences too once my late wh began to show his true self to me. The emotions were so strong and overwhelming that I didn't think I would be able to weather the storm either. I thought my emotional pain was going to do me in.

I honestly didn't think things could get any worse than they already had. I thought finding out that he was cheating on me was bad enough... and again at the time I didn't know the depth of his cheating.

His lieing to me and cheating was worse than I thought it was. But the truth (or it's just that I came out of denial) was that he was chasing other women for the extent of our relationship and our marriage which equalled to close to 34 years.

Three years ago my wh husband passed away and my world really came crashing down. I was devastated. Even moreso because I actually believed that we were in R. Or maybe I just wanted to believe it and I began to stick my head in the sand when he was acting out which was quite often back then. And he was also an alcoholic which intensified the situation although he did manage to quit drinking for a period of time. Anyways, I wouldn't suggest anyone to hang onto a relationship if it is in that much trouble. People with problems really need to work on themselves. We can't change them if they don't want to change.

Please don't believe your ex boyfriend is living it up and having this great life. To me it doesn't sound like he is having a great life if that is how he is spending his time. I remember when my late wh was divorcing me around 7 years ago? Time sure does go by quickly. This is when he was in the depths of one of his affairs. And he was so different at that point. And mean! Well, he was "living it up" too. 🙄 Not. To me, living it up is having a healthy lifestyle and enjoying things that make you smile, not getting drunk and wasted and f****** random people. Seems like a lost life to me.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to ride these emotions out. Gotta go through them and there aren't any shortcuts through them either. At one of my worse points I had to clear out the house and we had accumulated a lot of things. And he was nowhere around to help me out because he was divorcing me. Oh and he said it was because I was cheating on him which I never did. I was a very faithful, loving and devoted wife.

My advice to you. Let him go. The damage is already done. He broke your heart and it never heals back to where it was at before. You sound younger. Work on healing yourself. Do things that used to make you happy. I went for aerobic exercise and weight training. I had lost so much weight but I didn't care because the exercise made me feel better.
Oh my gosh, I had so much on my plate back then. Started with my mom passing away and I took care of her trust and house for her. The stress of all of that was tremendous, especially because I had several siblings who were very uncooperative and made life extremely difficult back then. Then my late wh started to act out even more at that time with his drinking and apparently other women. He also moved up into an upper management position. And in this time period of around 3 years, one of my dog's and two of my brothers passed away. Maybe this all started around 12 1/2 years ago when my mom died.

So, as for the timeline, 13 years ago this August my mom passed away. Eleven years ago my bother passed away, then one of my dogs and another brother passed away around 9 years ago. My husband and another brother passed 3 years ago. I also lost another dog and my baby horse.

I'm still here! A bit shaken? Absolutely! And honestly I don't want to ever go through anything like I went through ever again. Everything seemed to keep falling apart, especially my marriage. And to find out his real truth was extremely devastating. If anything was able to break me, this was it. The love of my life is the one who almost broke me.

But I'm still standing stronger than ever. A bit tattered and bruised? I am. But for the most part I am still hanging on and beginning to rebuild my life. And you will be able to too. Just takes time and you also will blossom into a better and new version of you. I actually like who I am much more today than back then when all I was able to see were problems.

I didn't want my husband to die. I wanted him to get better but it wasn't in his cards to do that. He wasn't strong enough to conquer his demons. Makes me so sad for him and us because he and I both lost out on what should have been a beautiful future.

I know for sure when I was in the depths of my grief I didn't want to be told that I would become a stronger version of myself due to all of the chaos and turmoil that I had to endure. But the truth is I am stronger because of this. I hate for the reason why but it is what it is. And I now have peace in my life. Something I haven't experienced in a very long time.

You will overcome this and will be stronger as a result of your experiences. I think in the long-term scheme of things you are going to find a much better and happier more peaceful life. It's waiting for you. Just take your time to heal properly and allow all of this to slide into your past. Now is not the time for a new relationship. It will happen in its own time and when it does and your life becomes peaceful once again, and it will, you will be grateful for the experiences you had. Just takes time is all.

I am so sorry that you also had to go through such a traumatic event but I do not see any reason why you won't come out a better version of yourself. Please keep posting here. This is a good place with good people to surround yourself with. Take care.

posts: 911   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8790968
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

It's hard to hear that you are suffering so badly. I wish so hard for you that you could re-frame all of these thoughts you are having into something completely different because this life that you think he's having doesn't sound very great to me, personally. Does it sound great to you? Really? It doesn't sound like he has any lasting love or probably even friendships because those "friends" of his would probably dump him just as quickly as they did you in the right circumstances. They sound like awful people that you're well rid of. Can you think of them that way? They weren't true friends. Good riddance. I know it's hard but you have just got to start thinking differently and calling these people and him what they were. They were not good for you. They were not good TO you. There are better people out there. Yes, I know they are hard to find, and they're even harder to find when you're at home crying, not that I don't get that because I do. Obviously, I'm here, I've been there, we all have, we get it. Please start making some lists of the horrible things that he and his friends have done, and stop thinking that they are having great lives. They are rotten people living fake lives. Please remember that. Please value yourself and see that you were the good, innocent, reliable, decent person. You still ARE. They are not. Believe that, please. We DO!

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 123   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8790973
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 11:56 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I am so sorry Devastated, if I could save every person from this pain I would do it. We have all been there, same anguish same pain just miles apart. Its undeserving and unrational. I spent 3 months chain smoking after 20 years of not, drinking wine and losing 20 pounds on my already tiny frame. People would say "oh you look great..lol" they probably thought I had cancer and wondered silently whay the hell was going on.

I sat on SI hours a day reading and contiplating, the people here literally saved me. Virtual strangers with huge hearts for having dealt with the same anguish.

My worth, my dignity, my mind all blown to smithereens. The people here TOLD me that my WH was way too perfessional in his cheating after catching him in ONE affair, told me to get a polygraph, yep, there was more then 17 women likely.

Every move, step, helped and orchestrated and encouraged by complete strangers here who didn't even know me. smile

I can't add much more then that, we all made it on the other side and one day you'll be here encouraging the newbies it's just going to take time.

Sending you huge hugs and strength.

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8791149
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 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 6:44 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I sat on SI hours a day reading and contemplating, the people here literally saved me. Virtual strangers with huge hearts for having dealt with the same anguish.


Every move, step, helped and orchestrated and encouraged by complete strangers here who didn't even know me


I cried doing the laundry, making the bed, shopping, driving, getting the car fixed…. That crazy lady with the mascara streaming down her face while driving was me. The women who could not be still for a minute and paced the floors like a caged tiger was me. The one with the far-away stare when in a group and should have been engaged in conversation- that was me. The one who walked around our building at work three times a day just to release that pain, that was me. The one singing sad songs at the top of her lungs in her car like I did as a 14-year old in my room was me.

Powerful words......so very true. This site is my saving grace. It is the reason that bottle of pills still sits full. It is the reason I haven't driven into that wall. Oh I have contemplated how much easier it would be to just end the pain once and for all, but everyone here, everyone's words of encouragement, everyone's tale of pain and recovery, it does help. I know everyone has gone through the agony. I know most have recovered and many more will. I want to believe I will too but I would be lying if I said I do believe that. At the moment, the pain outweighs any logic.

I thought I was making progress, then I seem to slip further down. Something, someone, some words, some event or just the sheer overwhelming loneliness and stress of dealing with everything alone, drags me down again.

I appreciate the advice about reframing my thoughts. I do try very hard to do that. Again, not having much success as of late. I will keep trying. I tried telling myself I have wasted enough time on my WS and my "friends that never were". I guess it just feels like I lost everything.

I am dealing with my brain tumour, my one dog just got hurt and another of my fur babies needs 3800 surgery (just found out). I feel like the world is trying to tell me something and it isn't good. All I can see at the moment is I am drowning in loneliness, debt, heartache and misery and my WS is out riding, partying, socializing and having fun. Why is it the awful self centered, lying, cheating POS end up happy while the person who was loving, kind, compromising and tolerate ends up destroyed? How can I not wonder if I deserved this somehow? How can I not look inward. I just cant figure out what I have done to have life sh** all over me in every way.

BearlyBreathing......my heart breaks for you.....I cried reading your words....I am so very sorry but your words made me realize once again, nothing I feel is unique.

So many people on here to thank for there words and advice but mostly for the support. Everyone on here is wonderful, kind and supportive. People who don't even know me are tolerating my "whining" and "crying" about my life. My lone gf isn't even this supportive. I don't even want to think where I would be if I didn't have this forum.

doublerainbow, Hurtmyheart, SackOfSorry, Crazytrain101 all your recent comments opened the flood gates but also gave me a lot to think about. I thank you. I am sorry for what you have experienced but I am grateful that you share. I am so appreciative of you telling your story as I do feel less alone and it does give me a bit of hope. You all literally have saved my life, sincerely.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 6:52 PM, Wednesday, May 17th]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8791279
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 2:32 AM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

It is hard when life is just throwing crap at you left and right. Super hard. I know I often feel like you do -- what did I do to deserve THAT? In those moments, I really try to remember all of the people that are going through far worse than I am. My laundry room flooded into my kitchen and downstairs bathroom? Ok, at least I can use my legs! Another flat tire? Seriously? Well, I've got food to eat and clean water to drink, my country isn't under fire from another country, that sort of stuff. My husband cheated? Well, ya, that is super devastating but at least I'm not him. I treat people well, decently, kindly. I can hold my head up high knowing I've got morals.

I just try to think outside of myself, and realize how lucky I truly am despite marriage issues or finances or inconveniences. I try to trust it will all just make me stronger in the long run. I pray that will happen for you.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 123   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8791333
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 7:18 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Please know this... You will not feel like this forever, I promise you. It's hard to believe, I truly know as felt exactly the same as you, but just know you will get your self belief back and will get through this, the pain will ease, just get through each day as best you can. Sending you so many hugs 💖💖

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8791435
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 12:23 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I just wanted to reach out to you to say that things really will start to get better. They will.

I can remember feeling the pressure of my friends wanting me to ‘be over it’ for me to be my usual happy self. It is so hard but a good friend told me that some people just can’t handle seeing others in despair. It can be because they have never experienced it. We have experienced it so talk to us. And those helplines! I used them and it got me through.

You will get through this. You are in your darkest days right now but the chinks of light will start to break through that darkness soon. It will happen.

I too was cheated on and abandoned and I know that level of pain. My mind was consumed with the thoughts of them together. It was like torture. But believe me when I say you won’t feel like that forever.

Today I went to the beach for the first sunny day of the year. My first thought was that the last time I sunbathed on that beach (last year) I was 2 stone underweight, listening to my podcasts on abandonment, crying and obsessively checking his WhatsApp status. I was a shadow of myself.

This year I went to the beach the happiest I have been in a long time, and I was there with my new partner.

Your future is just around the corner. New beginnings. New hope and possibilities.

I used to think my ex took away all my confidence, hopes and dreams. At that time he did. I felt like I had lost everything. In reality all the lost was a self deserving cheat. He was a problem and what I lost was just a problem.

I really hope this maybe helps a little. Hold on. We are rooting for you.

Keep posting so we can support you.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8791959
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:50 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I’m sorry you have been hit with such trauma in your life.

I know when you will start to feel better.

When you stop comparing yourself to your lying cheater EX. When you stop caring what he’s doing or why you are alone right now.

Life is scary. Life is crazy. But you deserve better than a guy who does what he did.

There’s a reason he’s an ex.

Looking from the outside — yeah it may look like he’s having a good time. But he has to keep filling up his life with stuff b/c he has to forget the "stuff" AKA his demons. He cannot run from it though he may try.

But when he’s alone and no one ride is around — that little voice is telling him the truth. And he can justify it all he wants - he’s not a good guy.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13970   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8791963
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 Devastated16 (original poster member #82864) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 4:27 PM, Wednesday, May 24th]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8792335
Topic is Sleeping.
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