I know how it feels because I went through some really horrifying experiences too once my late wh began to show his true self to me. The emotions were so strong and overwhelming that I didn't think I would be able to weather the storm either. I thought my emotional pain was going to do me in.
I honestly didn't think things could get any worse than they already had. I thought finding out that he was cheating on me was bad enough... and again at the time I didn't know the depth of his cheating.
His lieing to me and cheating was worse than I thought it was. But the truth (or it's just that I came out of denial) was that he was chasing other women for the extent of our relationship and our marriage which equalled to close to 34 years.
Three years ago my wh husband passed away and my world really came crashing down. I was devastated. Even moreso because I actually believed that we were in R. Or maybe I just wanted to believe it and I began to stick my head in the sand when he was acting out which was quite often back then. And he was also an alcoholic which intensified the situation although he did manage to quit drinking for a period of time. Anyways, I wouldn't suggest anyone to hang onto a relationship if it is in that much trouble. People with problems really need to work on themselves. We can't change them if they don't want to change.
Please don't believe your ex boyfriend is living it up and having this great life. To me it doesn't sound like he is having a great life if that is how he is spending his time. I remember when my late wh was divorcing me around 7 years ago? Time sure does go by quickly. This is when he was in the depths of one of his affairs. And he was so different at that point. And mean! Well, he was "living it up" too. 🙄 Not. To me, living it up is having a healthy lifestyle and enjoying things that make you smile, not getting drunk and wasted and f****** random people. Seems like a lost life to me.
Unfortunately, you are going to have to ride these emotions out. Gotta go through them and there aren't any shortcuts through them either. At one of my worse points I had to clear out the house and we had accumulated a lot of things. And he was nowhere around to help me out because he was divorcing me. Oh and he said it was because I was cheating on him which I never did. I was a very faithful, loving and devoted wife.
My advice to you. Let him go. The damage is already done. He broke your heart and it never heals back to where it was at before. You sound younger. Work on healing yourself. Do things that used to make you happy. I went for aerobic exercise and weight training. I had lost so much weight but I didn't care because the exercise made me feel better.
Oh my gosh, I had so much on my plate back then. Started with my mom passing away and I took care of her trust and house for her. The stress of all of that was tremendous, especially because I had several siblings who were very uncooperative and made life extremely difficult back then. Then my late wh started to act out even more at that time with his drinking and apparently other women. He also moved up into an upper management position. And in this time period of around 3 years, one of my dog's and two of my brothers passed away. Maybe this all started around 12 1/2 years ago when my mom died.
So, as for the timeline, 13 years ago this August my mom passed away. Eleven years ago my bother passed away, then one of my dogs and another brother passed away around 9 years ago. My husband and another brother passed 3 years ago. I also lost another dog and my baby horse.
I'm still here! A bit shaken? Absolutely! And honestly I don't want to ever go through anything like I went through ever again. Everything seemed to keep falling apart, especially my marriage. And to find out his real truth was extremely devastating. If anything was able to break me, this was it. The love of my life is the one who almost broke me.
But I'm still standing stronger than ever. A bit tattered and bruised? I am. But for the most part I am still hanging on and beginning to rebuild my life. And you will be able to too. Just takes time and you also will blossom into a better and new version of you. I actually like who I am much more today than back then when all I was able to see were problems.
I didn't want my husband to die. I wanted him to get better but it wasn't in his cards to do that. He wasn't strong enough to conquer his demons. Makes me so sad for him and us because he and I both lost out on what should have been a beautiful future.
I know for sure when I was in the depths of my grief I didn't want to be told that I would become a stronger version of myself due to all of the chaos and turmoil that I had to endure. But the truth is I am stronger because of this. I hate for the reason why but it is what it is. And I now have peace in my life. Something I haven't experienced in a very long time.
You will overcome this and will be stronger as a result of your experiences. I think in the long-term scheme of things you are going to find a much better and happier more peaceful life. It's waiting for you. Just take your time to heal properly and allow all of this to slide into your past. Now is not the time for a new relationship. It will happen in its own time and when it does and your life becomes peaceful once again, and it will, you will be grateful for the experiences you had. Just takes time is all.
I am so sorry that you also had to go through such a traumatic event but I do not see any reason why you won't come out a better version of yourself. Please keep posting here. This is a good place with good people to surround yourself with. Take care.