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Rate how much you wanted to hurt AP

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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:43 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Insanity on my first introduction to infidelity. Off the charts.

I found out at around 2am, and by 3am I was outside the AP's house. I was going through that front door no matter HOW securely it was fastened. My little bit of common sense talked my crazy self off the ledge, and I didn't go in. Thank God, as it was the wrong house. How would that have gone down?

I thought there was an AP2 who I found in her phone, and was driving to the airport to take a flight to New Orleans....1500 miles from my house. I had nothing but a cell number. THAT'S how raged I was on Dday1.

2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4350   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8782251

 Dorothy123 (original poster member #53116) posted at 1:51 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023


Maybe in time this will fade but it is nice to know that I am not alone in my thoughts.

Glad you found this thread helpful

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5515   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8782267

WonderingGhost ( member #81060) posted at 6:11 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

0/10. I've never been in a fight and wasn't about to fantasize about being in one now, especially over such worthless people.

The AP's in my situation were bad people, but not monsters. By that I mean they weren't incapable of feeling guilty or realizing what they did was wrong.

No, I'm quite happy sitting back and enjoying the thought of the guilt either eating them alive or at the very least burrowing a permanent hole in the back of their mind. This is a shame they will have to carry forever. Will they reveal to future partners that they engaged themselves in an affair? Or will they start every new relationship on a foundation of lies by omission, setting the clock on a perpetually ticking time-bomb just waiting to explode should their current partner find out?

That's more than enough revenge for me.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 6:12 PM, Wednesday, March 15th]

posts: 110   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8782347

HUM1021 ( member #6222) posted at 12:16 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

I said I wasn't going to kill them; let them kill them themselves.

One has done so; waiting on the second.

Me: BS 34
Her: WS 33
M 5 years
dday with 1st OM 4/30/04 EA/PA
dday with 2nd OM 12/11/04 EA/PA
on the reconciliation rollercoaster

posts: 836   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Colorado
id 8782383

 Dorothy123 (original poster member #53116) posted at 12:47 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

A heartfelt thanks to all those with the courage to share openly and honestly and from the heart.

Again, I do know that this subject is triggering and a sensitive subject.

But in order to heal, people here must be allowed to share their TRUTHS.

As the responses to this thread have already shown, many of us do have violent urges.

Hugs to all.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5515   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8782389

swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 2:35 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Affairs play into our most primal urges . . . to secure resources for our children and ourselves, to secure mates and fend off competitors, etc. That's why hysterical bonding is a thing. So if you felt the urge to attack in order to "guard your territory," that's a totally normal survival response. Of course, we don't have to act on our urges . . . clearly doing so can lead to many a dumpster fire.

I didn't want to harm the AP physically but I did want to best her. I wanted to send her scurrying away, knowing she had lost her bid for my mate.

posts: 1843   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8782449

WonderingMind ( new member #71161) posted at 4:55 AM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

TBH I still find it weird when people belittle the AP but somehow your mate was better?
Even saying that the WS was "in a bad place" to excuse why they would have wanted the AP sounds pathetic.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019
id 8782561

Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 1:38 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

On the 1-10 scale, I was probably only around a 5 for wanting to beat the shit out of him. No, physical violence isn't really my thing. Honestly, I'd rather ruin him financially by destroying his business and ability to make a living. The pain that keeps on giving, just like the pain I continue to live in after his selfish actions of going after my wife. He's now happily back with his wife, running his business gaining praises from the community as being a "wonderful caring man". Yup, that eats me up, but what keeps it from happening is that I won't let myself stoop to his level. I'll take the high ground. I don't need for the community to praise me, I already know what type of person I am. I'll patiently wait on Karma to do it's thing, and when it does, I'll cook a big bag of popcorn and enjoy the show.

Edit: Oh, and even though I still love my wife, I still get pissed at her for her selfish actions too. She's not off the hook yet, but I won't attack her for her actions. She needs to do the right thing or I'll have to move on without her. I've already come to terms with that and know I can be happier than I currently am if I go it alone.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 1:42 PM, Friday, March 17th]

posts: 231   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8782581

ZDZD ( member #80814) posted at 8:59 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

I have a hard time understanding you guys on this topic. It seems that those who are/have R are especially angry at AP. The AP was exactly as bad as your WS... You gave your WS a benefit of doubt, perhaps the AP has grown as well.

As for me, I am definitely not a fan of AP, but I rather feel sorry for him. Such destruction and such a waste of time and energy caused by his malfunctioning coping mechanism.

Me: the BH
Her: the xWW
Married for 10y, 2 children
AP, OBS close friends of many years
Currently divorcing.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8782788

hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 9:10 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

AP was 4 years into her third marriage at 40 and cheating. Ex thought he was her last, he was just her next. She's still married but not to ex. I'd love to run into her and her husband, but I would have more to say to him, than her. She's a waste of my time.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8782793

childofcheater ( member #33887) posted at 9:12 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

For me personally about a 6 out of 10 but it just wasn't worth the aggrevation.

Recently I've been following the saga of the "Scandoval" on Vanderpump Rules even though I've never watched the show. The BS the other day finally put out a social media statement and while it was overall positive she ended with "what doesn't kill me better run" and I LOVE that.

[This message edited by childofcheater at 9:13 PM, Friday, March 17th]

Me: 42 yo, him 41Married 19 years together 233 kids: DD15, DD12, DS9DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworkerStatus: in R, work in progress

posts: 581   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011   ·   location: East Coast
id 8782794

recovering2018 ( member #63336) posted at 9:30 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

11/10 even though just a long distance EA. Went scorched earth on both.

Thought about flying out there and wrecking his knee caps but wasn't worth the risk. Laid low a couple months then hatched better plan.

Catfished and hacked AP. Wrecked his personal life. Wrecked his business which was semi-dependent on a clean social media image. Ran him out of town.

I'm much more measured in my old age. As a young man I likely would've run him over or otherwise killed him.


Me- H/BS 50s
Her- WW 40s
Married 20+ years with minor children
D-Day 2017, 6 week EA

posts: 105   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2018   ·   location: United States
id 8782797

CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 11:42 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

How much did I want to hurt the AP? So much that I had to stop concealed carrying because I didn't know how I would react to seeing him in public.

Guess that makes my rating a bit on the high end of the scale.

I also knew that my healing was taking place when I did happen to be across from him at a stoplight and didn't have the urge to kill him. Thank you, EMDR. You allowed me to be able to carry once again.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8782818

Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 1:46 AM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

My anger was directed towards WH and AP - but he ultimately was the culpable one. She got her just reward when OBS kicked her to the curb, divorced her and got custody of their 2 young daughters. Her reputation was ruined professionally as well as with personal friendships. (WH & AP had been HS classmates). I was mad at AP - more so because of the lies she told about me and how she attempted to recruit other friends to align with her and support their A. I went scorched earth on her and WH when I got ahold of his phone and found EVERYTHING - pictures, images, movies, texts, fb messages, emails. OBS received a nice packet with copies - and then I proceeded to out WH to our family. I was (and still am) mad, angry and upset at WH’s cousin who was AP’s best friend. The cousin encouraged, facilitated and supported the A. She’s the one who can go burn n in hell for all I care. I have never met AP personally nor have I ever seen her in person. I have seen her naked pics though barf barf barf

I can relate to those of you who say why would we be mad at AP when it’s the WS that betrayed us? I think it’s absolutely natural and normal to feel anger towards someone who shared intimate time with your SO/spouse. I am not gonna feel bad because I was rightfully pissed off at AP. I am sure there were moments where I wanted to pull every shred of hair out of her head. I did want to see her suffer. And I’m not gonna lie and say I didn’t enjoy knowing she suffered and lost her marriage and her kids. Oh fucking well. rolleyes

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 1:48 AM, Saturday, March 18th]

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 193   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8782835

RecklessForgiver ( member #82891) posted at 2:17 AM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Interesting question. Turns out it is a complicated answer when I think about it!

Physical attack: 0/10
My spouse is the one who betrayed me, and she was a vulnerable mess. No need to physically attack her.

Emotional/verbal attack: 7/10
I found out about the affair from her—an email saying I "deserved to find happiness" and that my spouse was a "liar and a cheat." I composed a number of vicious, hurtful responses to her email, and one very sarcastic, polite thank you letter noting I would have been more thankful still if her moral concerns for my happiness had occurred 3 years ago, at the start of the affair.

Poetry Revenge: 10/10
I found this awful amateur poem she wrote about the two of them on the internet. Their great, soulmate love affair! Now, I am a pretty good poet. Not a brag; I have been told that by some damn fine published poets. Did I compose a bitting response to her poem deconstructing her special romantic moment as a deluded fantasy of a fragile woman with low self-esteem? Why yes, I did! But did I post it on the same site and tag her? No. Because I decided to get it published in a journal instead and send that to her. (I won't send it because I don't want to interact with her at all, but I am about to send it out and about for publication...)


posts: 94   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8782838

 Dorothy123 (original poster member #53116) posted at 3:00 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I've been here six years and ten months .

I've seen many threads on the subject of violence get lots of judgement, shaming and people getting lectured.

This thread has been on page one for five days now and so far has gotten only 35 responses.

I suspect that there a people here who are afraid to respond to this thread because of fear of judgement.



I do understand this is a difficult subject to talk about.

But in order for people to begin to heal, people here must be allowed to share their truths.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 3:20 PM, Saturday, March 18th]

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5515   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8782864

Vocalion ( member #82921) posted at 4:37 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I freely confess that i entertained a wide and inventive range of vengeful fantasies of ways to hurt my WW's AP, some of which would have most certainly resulted in a prison sentence, but I refrained from doing him grievous bodily harm mostly because he moved out of state clear across the country.
My wife's affair occurred long ago, and it was a very hurtful one-off thing. Since then she has atoned and we have reconciled. We are now seniors living in a retirement community, however a few years ago we lived in what I like to call a Wild West state where open carry of firearms is permitted My wife is a very attractive woman who exercises regularly and maintains her health and a lovely figure, so it's not surprising that she attracts a lot of glances and attention. My wife was a member of our HOA where one other male member was clearly obsessed with her and kept pestering her. When my wife brought this to my attention I had a little man to man discussion, which dissuaded him for a while, but his full press flirting recommenced before long. At which point I decided to attend the next board meeting seated in the audience front row with my holstered Gloch on full display. Interestingly, the pest resigned from the board and has avoided us since.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2023   ·   location: San Diego
id 8782882

Gracey ( member #79334) posted at 5:15 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

So glad someone posted this as I have been feeling bad for actually wishing to hurt another human being. First few months my anger was at 20/10 as AP has gone out if her way to make this as painful as possible for me. I even took shooting lessons with a view to exacting revenge. The anger is still there 3 yrs on, only now it is at a more manageable 10/10. I recognise it is more now a reflection of my pain and is more an even 50/50 toward WS and AP. I still have not been given a full disclosure of the facts and how far and long the deception has gone on which keeps my anger from subsiding. WS & I are down for MC and I hope to learn the truth. Living in limbo is no life although WS claims all is fine and wants to carpet sweep or wants me to go into denial or perhaps cake eat. I need facts to move forward and heal one way or another. Any tips for MC that may help me get what I need and to avoid more lying?

Together 34 years Married. 17 years

posts: 96   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8782885

 Dorothy123 (original poster member #53116) posted at 5:19 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

So glad someone posted this

You're very welcomed.

Hugs to you.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5515   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8782886

annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:23 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

My rage didn't hit until a couple of months after D-Day, we always talk about the shock, the sadness, and how the anger finally sets in. Boy, did it set in.

My WH AP was a co-worker who lived on the opposite coast, which was probably a good thing because honestly I don't know if I would have attempted to hurt her because my rage was uncontrollable at times (PTSD was setting in). Those dark thoughts consumed me daily for years.

I stalked her fb page for a long time and it was obvious that the karma bus hit her in the a$$ bc AP posted some quotes publicly rolleyes that alluded to her husband cheating. So beep beep, it felt so good to see she was reeling from infidelity. grin

posts: 12149   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8782990
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