Working parental relationship with unremorseful spouse
How does one actually build a parental cooperation with xWW when I find her essential attitude unacceptable?
She says we should be on the same page when coparenting, but I find that really hard to reconcile with her "quest for happiness" and how it affects our kids:
- Our friend had to "lend" her husband for cheating.
- I have to give away our common apartment for a fraction of the cost because she doesn't have the money and because "You can't throw out the mother of your kids".
- Her parents have to sell their summerhouse to help their daughter if the manipulation above doesn't work out (I don't care if they do but still Wow!).
- Kids must lose friends and adjust to her new boyfriends because "kids are happy if a parent is happy"
A couple of months I drew the line on coparenting with "I don't tell you what to do, you don't tell me what to do" and trying to preserve the same rules we had before we separated. That is not ideal, but I couldn't think of any better atm.
On the bright side, there has been no badmouthing or alienation. The shared custody schedule works fine, especially after I drew the line.
7 comments posted: Tuesday, November 29th, 2022
Telling the kids - when, how?
My kids don't know what happened. They have to travel between 2 houses weekly with our 50-50 custody. My oldest is 8, and he has very inquisitive mind, and he is more of an anxious and clingy type, so he doesn't take it lightly. He recently told things like:
- You parents did a very stupid thing. No one around us divorced, everyone we know lives together. You didn't fight or argue much, and our family was good.
- You could have separated when I grew to be at least 14, in my age it's too hard for kids to tolerate this.
I wholeheartedly agree... Which brings me to my question - do I ever tell them that we separated because mom cheated with our close friend, then he dumped her, but she wanted a divorce so that she could be happy with someone else? I feel that at 8 y.o., this sounds too insane. I am not vengeful and I don't have a goal to alienate them from their mother, but keeping this a secret for a lifetime doesn't feel right either. Does anyone have experience with this? Thank you.
28 comments posted: Tuesday, October 25th, 2022
Sorrow over anniversary date
I was already feeling quite good about myself in my recovery from a double betrayal, but I realised it was 16 years since we met with my xWW, and this brought about a wave of sorrow, as if someone died. I wasn't expecting that from myself, and it derailed my whole weekend.
I told a friend, and got a suggestion to share with my xWW who might be having similar feelings. I had doubts about it, but decided to try. I got a response that for her it was a good day, she has a lot of warmth and gratitude and remembers a lot of good in our M. That's a nice answer, but it triggered me even further, because in my world you don't throw away something you feel good about on an affair and divorce. Then I realised I needed to go as much NC as possible (considering kids), or it'll take me forever to recover. So from now on, no feelings and no talking about anything but kids and D proceedings.
I don't have a particular reason to share this, it's just been a hard weekend.
3 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022
Can't wrap my head around reconciliation
I'm divorcing so this might be for a future relationship (hopefully not), but I can't understand both discovery and reconciliation advice so much.
Short backstory - double betrayal. I suggested R but she wanted D, and after hanging around for about 6 months I decided to move out. My WW was pretty content about it. We are separated and sorting out divorce, while she already has a new boyfriend. The other couple is in R.
Now reading this forum, I see a general train of thought:
- Hire a private detective if needed to have more facts
- WS has to give all passwords, accesses to social media, GPS tracking
- Written confession and/or polygraph
- R takes years and there are no guarantees
This all sounds like a lot of hassle and humiliating also to me as BS. I wouldn't want to be policing my WW or make her jump through hoops to "prove herself". Tbh should we had chosen R I wouldn't have known how to proceed about this. In our M trust was implicit. I never had a single thought of worrying where my W was or with whom, neither did she, I trusted her to consider my well-being. She confessed about her feelings before doing anything about them, I trusted her to keep them at bay and just tried to be supportive and understanding. I was very naive, but I would not want it in any other way.
Since I am friends with OBS, we discuss my and her well-being (her with a remorseful spouse). She outed her WH's A (not their first time), is monitoring her WH in order to feel safe. Her recovery is much slower than mine even though she is very pro-R - low spirits, what they call POLF here. I attribute it to the fact that in R you have to convince your whole body and mind that the most dangerous person that caused trauma and abuse is going to be the safest and the closest, and that is constantly triggering and exhausting. I live in a new place, talk to my xWW mostly through IM only about kids, and after getting over the loneliness of single life, I'm doing ok after about 9 months. My relationship with kids is better than ever before. I am not actively looking to pair off again.
I hope I could convey the gist of my confusion. I never had a chance to do R, but those of you who did, how did you get over the fact that you were down/depressed for 2-5 years (and that is probably almost just as bad on your kids as D), and perhaps lost that implicit trust that your spouse would have your back?
16 comments posted: Wednesday, October 12th, 2022
Got an apology from the other man
I got a visit from the OM a while ago. It was a year after D-day, several months after I separated from my WW, several months after they ended the affair, and a couple of months after he went NC with my WW, and he and OBS started R. I posted the story in another thread.
He didn't try to blame shift or anything and apologised, but I asked why did he start the A and why did he start R, and got an answer that "I thought A would make me feel good, but actually my family makes me feel good, and my wife wants it too". I was guessing if an apology was also making him feel good. I was as if priest hearing a confession and forgiving sins. Since I was close friends with OBS, I know she thought it was not nice that he wouldn't apologise, so after several months of R he did. OBS also said in another conversation that he was not to blame for my M to dissolve, it's between me and WW. I guess we'll never know now.
Even a few months later I still feel kind of used by both of them to restart their M.
To cheating people, maybe if you don't feel like apologising immediately after disclosing/being discovered, leave everyone alone and don't use them to ease your conscience.
What are your thoughts/any similar experience?
11 comments posted: Wednesday, September 21st, 2022
Double betrayal, divorce and friendship
Last year my xWW and her AP (a close friend of mine) first confessed in their respective families that they have strong feelings for each other, then proceeded to have an affair in secret. It later turned out that he came to her to confess his feelings and his plan to divorce, and she fell for it. My xWW refused to go through MC, kept saying she wanted a divorce we separated out and initiated the it. The AP kept wishing to move out but never did, and later wished to reconcile with OBW/his wife.
During this many month limbo, I supported the OBW with job loss and other issues, while her husband and my wife were in limerence still. We were close friends before, so this was natural and appreciated.
Now I live alone, have decent coparenting with xWW. The other couple is trying to R.
After a year, I am kinda past the grief of divorce and loss of a friend. I am still friends with his wife the OBW, but that has been difficult. Having seen how badly both I and she were hurt by her husband's infidelity, I cannot relate to her attempts to R. What's confusing for me is whether I should cease contact, even though she has never done me any harm. Anyone with similar experience?
22 comments posted: Saturday, September 3rd, 2022