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 Squish (original poster member #79546) posted at 1:11 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Hi everyone, I think about those here all the time and am here often.

We are past 1 year d day. I have been doing better and we are slowly in R.

Something Im having real trouble with since which I have been since dday as many of you know is my anger towards the ap. she was a colleague, younger, more qualified that me although I dont think smarter by any means. Not super pretty either I mean she was just some skank that he got talking to and then they hit it off and he fell madly inlove (infatuated per his words)

I still find myself looking to see what she is upto. I hate it and I feel like im OCD about it. Its so hard to get this skank out of my brain.

Please help me, I know that persons a waste of space in my brain. I need some help... throw stuff at me so I get that this person is less than the sh*t on my shoes. Please... I need to be rid of her.

Thank you.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021
id 8748252
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:40 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

She doesn’t deserve any of your brain space. But it’s sooo hard to stop.
Block her on any social media. Redirect yourself when you find you are looking.
Every time you look her up, it’s giving her validation and ego kibbles = and she does not deserve that.
Also, it really doesn’t accomplish anything useful.

You know your anger belongs on your WH. The AP was a skank, but she is not the one who betrayed vows with you.
And any anger toward her, please ask yourself if that anger really belongs there still - or is it unresolved anger toward your WH or the situation in general? It’s normal to still have anger— the shock has worn off and you are having to see your WH clearly without any rose colored glasses. And it’s hard. Some find year 2 harder than year 1 for that reason.

Do you and your H talk about your anger and how you feel? How is he supporting you there?

It’s hard, but use any approach you can: mental stop sign, rubber band on wrist, mentally change the channel in your brain, toss the dog’s toy…anything to build new habits and neural pathways and stop giving her any more of your brain space.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4987   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748255
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mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 3:19 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I have no advice cause I’m pulling up a seat with you lol. Almost 6 months after DDay1 and I still check a few things more often than I care to admit lol blink

I know I shouldn’t but I just…don’t care right now.

Sorry this sucks for sure.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8748264
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:41 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Part of what got me to indifference was by NOT putting my WS in another category because she's my wife.

-MY WS WAS JUST AS INVOLVED IN THE AFFAIR AS AP.

-IF ANYTHING, MY WS IS WAY MORE RESPONSIBLE THAN AP, BECAUSE SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THE MARRIAGE.

-MY WS DOESN'T DESERVE SPECIAL TREATMENT, SIMPLY BECAUSE OUR TIME INVESTED TOGETHER. IF ANYTHING, IT SHOULD BE THE OPPOSITE.

I didn't stand by these facts to beat my wife down, or to give the AP any sort of pass. I did this because when we put our partners in a different category, we are the ones that are compartmentalizing.....something that our wayward partners did when they were betraying us.

One of the things that is often spoken of here, when we are trying to reconcile, is that honesty is paramount going forward. We also need to remember to not only be honest with our partner, but with ourselves. If the betrayal was too much for us to overcome, so be it. But to not accept that our partner was just as guilty as their AP is fantasy. What they both did was disgusting, cruel, and lacked any sort of moral fortitude. But at a more realistic level, they were just two selfish people who, at least at the time, didn't care about anyone but themselves. We weren't deliberate targets; we we merely obstacles in their way.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 1:51 PM, Friday, August 5th]

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4089   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8748304
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 Squish (original poster member #79546) posted at 1:44 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

BearlyBreathing- thank you for your comment. I spoke with him last night. Not about my anger as with that it’s coming. But he was supportive. I know I’m putting the skank on some kind of pedestal and I need to get off that cloud!!! Trying the thick rubber band option!!!

mommabear1010- hugs to you. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. One day it will get easier. Those people could have been goats. There is nothing special about them. Still it sucks- cos our ws’s chose these skanky prats over us… ugh … they got so lucky with us!!!

jb3199- thank you for you reminder for me to be honest with myself and wow I never thought of it in the way you explained if compartmentalization. It’s taken me a long long time to remove the rose colored glasses and now I truly see that they were selfish, that it was truly his choice and we were just in the way. I have also realized during this time that me trying to keep the peace and not say something because it might start an argument is me not being honest. Hard truth but I’m glad I get that now.

Once you put them both of them together in the same category how did that lead to indifference? What did that change for you? I know they are in different categories in my mind. I’ve got some thinking to do. Thank you for your thoughts

posts: 78   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021
id 8748308
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:00 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

When you remove the AP from your life, things can improve. That doesn’t just mean you stop looking at SM but that you also stop allowing those intrusive thoughts.

Not easy. Not by a long shot.

The OW in my case was 20+ years younger. She wasn’t pretty. She wasn’t a person with a smoking hot body. She was a person who was a drama Queen and "my life stinks poor me" attitude. And my H fell for it.

Her best attribute in her opinion was her boobs snd tattoos. Her boobs hung out of every shirt she owned and were on display for the world to see. Something she was very proud of.

Fortunately I was confident in my own skin and never felt the need to compete. I was not out trying to be 30 again. But if that’s what my CH wanted he was free to go. And I told him that repeatedly.

My point is this. The AP is NOT what the CS wants b/c it’s all fake. A lie. A fantasy. None of the "affair" is real. It’s two fake people pretending to be something they are not.

The AP is the AP b/c they were there and willing to be the AP.

If the AP isn’t interested then the cheater finds someone who is. It’s two morally bankrupt broken people believing they have something "special".

Just as a laugh, my H is corporate America. He would have been the laughingstock had he tried to bring the OW to his corporate events or friend group. Most of the other wives would have tolerated her. She never would have fit in.

In the end (at the last possible second) my H realized she wasn’t all that.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:02 PM, Friday, August 5th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12535   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748310
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:39 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Honestly? Block her on everything and go cold turkey. It's hard to do but you just gotta power through it.

Your anger at her is valid. Your disgust at her is valid. All those thoughts at/about her are VALID.

But your healing and your moving on are far more important than she is.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3571   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8748321
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:59 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Once you put them both of them together in the same category how did that lead to indifference? What did that change for you? I know they are in different categories in my mind.

Let me preface by saying that my 'indifference' to the AP is that he doesn't occupy head space, but in the same sense, I'd probably let him burn if I saw him on fire. I hold him accountable for his role in engaging with a married woman.....no matter what lies my WW did or did not say about me. There are many, many members here that are able to love their partner, and hate their AP, and I fully understand that. It's just important that we don't try to fool ourselves when it comes to accountability. If we want to say whatever vile comments about our AP(s), that's fine, but we also need to apply those to our partners. They were right there in the thick of it. And the truth is, most of us, myself included, don't really want to hear that. We often put our partners in that 'different' category. Cognitive dissonance is something cheaters often use, and I didn't want that to apply to me. They were mirror reflections of each other during their affair.

After we have been betrayed, we are under no obligation to offer reconciliation. Same for the APs. We can choose to forgive one and not the other---it's our choice. I'd have to assume that very few APs are offered forgiveness, as the ONLY investment most had in our lives was part of its destruction. Except for double-betrayal situations, the APs never had any positive influence in our lives, so in that way, they are worse in my eyes. But where was my protector?

One other way that I look at things are the members of this site. What if a newly betrayed wife comes on here, giving her story of destruction, and how shitty their AP is, while at the same time, a newly betrayed husband joins and shares his story. No doubt that the members here will give them support, and probably won't have much positive to say about the APs. I understand that. But what if these two new members partners were the ones cheating on each other? Wouldn't it be odd, replying to two different threads in the JFO forum agreeing that each member's AP is a piece of garbage, when they are also the WS in each others stories? We rarely look at the WS as the AP, but that is often the case. In my specific story, the AP was unmarried, but if he was, would that have stopped my wife? I highly doubt it. The WS often has to share the AP label. Then, once we look at our WS as a WS/AP, it sort of levels the playing field of treachery.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4089   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8748363
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 Squish (original poster member #79546) posted at 4:19 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

The1stWife


Fortunately I was confident in my own skin and never felt the need to compete. I was not out trying to be 30 again. But if that’s what my CH wanted he was free to go. And I told him that repeatedly.
My point is this. The AP is NOT what the CS wants b/c it’s all fake. A lie. A fantasy. None of the "affair" is real. It’s two fake people pretending to be something they are not.
The AP is the AP b/c they were there and willing to be the AP.
If the AP isn’t interested then the cheater finds someone who is. It’s two morally bankrupt broken people believing they have something "special".


I used to have so much confidence in myself. And what you say is true I know there is so much to me that makes me the prize. I’ve just dropped it along the way on this journey.

Thank you for your comment.

EllieKMAS- yes that’s what I need to do. And I have done it but gone back. Lol where is my will power? Need to find it!!!!

posts: 78   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021
id 8748374
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Notaboringwife ( member #74302) posted at 4:36 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Squish,

From my experience, one needs to work through any anger directed at the AP every time it surfaces. It sucks, I know.

The best way I found for me to work through my lingering anger at her is to accept the anger, and use countless distractions. But not dwell on it.

It was hard the first two years in R. She was constantly in my thoughts. It was a war in my mind, but I am winning the battles. We are three pus years into R, and I while I occasional experience feelings of anger, it is less intense and other feelings are coming into the war...feelings of pity for her and her poor soul.

I tried redirecting this anger at my husband, and while I know how much he was the driving force in his affair with her, I still experienced hate and anger at his AP, the co-conspirator.

Squish, accept your anger. It is valid. Your feelings are important.

Maybe distraction might work for you. The moment the anger pops up, activate a distraction. Do something physical/mental to refocus on the distraction like make a coffee/tea, go outside, talk to a friend, write a text, post on SI, do the laundry, fold the laundry, go for a drive, etc. in other word move your body and your mind will follow. I used to sit and ruminate in my anger. Very, very unhealthy. Distractions helped.

Me: fBS late 60’s
Him: fWH late 60’s
DDay : March 2019
Separation: March 2019
R: June 2019

Shift your internal stance from "I’m right and you’re wrong" to "help me understand." Everything else follows from it...

posts: 318   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8748381
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:41 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Still it sucks- cos our ws’s chose these skanky prats over us… ugh … they got so lucky with us!!!

This is what I was going to say!!! You know this. You have your answer.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1823   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8748385
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:49 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Check out the thread, 'Honey, they always affair down' in the JFO forum - https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/. I just bumped it.

Your H's ap is simply not in your league.

Consider this, though: the ap, who is a loser compared to you, affaired down with your H.

*****

My reco is to give yourself a break. A lot of BSes track their ap(s) on SM. It's not abnormal.

When you recognize that doing so hurts, it's time to stop, because you owe it to yourself to treat yourself well. I urge you to figure out what's underneath your desire to add to your pain. When you know what you want to accomplish by tracking your WS's ap, you can skip the tracking-on-SM step and go straight for the positive outcome.

I don't mean that it's always easy to do this work. I just mean that you can do it.

*****

I think I'm saying almost the same things that jb3199 says using different words....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27617   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8748388
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 Squish (original poster member #79546) posted at 5:47 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

sisoon -

Check out the thread, 'Honey, they always affair down' in the JFO forum - https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/. I just bumped it.

Consider this, though: the ap, who is a loser compared to you, affaired down with your H.

I have read that post thank you Sisoon and it did help me a lot. Now to consider what you are saying Woow that gets them both on the same level now. Sign

Thank you. In this post I was looking for reasons as to why the ap is a piece of crap BUT that’s not even the point. It’s that I need to get ws off his pedestal and truly put him where he should be right next to the ap. They are in essence the same with the choices they made.

Such a huge realization. Thank you

[This message edited by Squish at 5:48 PM, Friday, August 5th]

posts: 78   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021
id 8748406
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:04 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I think most of us do this after infidelity. It's pain shopping for sure. It will stop one day I promise you she won't hold this kind of power over you forever. I don't know why we do these silly things. Maybe try blocking her on everything so you can't see her. I know you can always unblock, but that seemed to help me as a reminder that I would have to unblock to look at her stupid s**t and that would reinforce my decision to stay no contact.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8339   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8748421
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Lostwings ( member #79902) posted at 11:34 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

Squish,
I can truly understand your feelings, because I am still reeling towards the AP as well . My Dday was also one year ago , but it seems like it’s only yesterday .

I never check her out on social media , but she is in my WH college reunion online group . My husband exited the group after Dday, but he needed to contact them again, due to the death of a family in the group, a week ago. She jumped into the group conversations right away , replying and commenting to my WH statements . My WH never replied. I am hoping she is reeling mad too, for being ignored !!

It was on line PA for 5.5 months. I am totally aware that eventually, it was my husband’s infidelity, but she did seduced him and gave him the validations by saying she loved him and missed him daily, contacting him to ask for the sex game etc . She was aggressive, manipulative and would not let go of my WH. Yes , he was weak and did not leave her at the beginning of the affair , he tried to brake her off at least once, but she flatly refused, saying that they couldn’t break up because of what already happened between them. Sadly, my WH relented . They must be infatuated or obsessed at each other, but somehow , she was the one that kept pursuing him and did not want to let him go. I think she sent the text message on purpose for me to find out, knowing I was next to my husband in the car, traveling, when she texted.

I know her as my WH college friends and I contacted her after I found out, asked about everything my WH told me. She did not deny and was very arrogant towards me, I guess she believed that my husband would leave me for her. She lost her hope after my WH sent her a NC letter . Am I a bad person to have a bit of satisfaction, when my husband mentioned how he still love me and would not leave me in the NC letter?

She is an old college friend and they met again after online reunion, due to Covid . She was the one who contacted my husband first, but she was not an ex girlfriend .
Yes, AP is still in my head rent free , but I am hoping to kick her out soon. Let’s do it together !

I thought it was love at the end of the rainbow , but a banshee came and almost destroyed my pot of gold . In R.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8748754
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:44 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

I have more confidence after my H’s affair.

I always thought he was the string one in our relationship. Now I know it’s me who is strong.

Rock on!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12535   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748755
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Evertrying ( member #60644) posted at 3:57 AM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

I can TOTALLY relate!
We are almost 5 yrs post dday, our marriage is better than ever and I STILL HATE HIS AP! ANNNNDDDD, though I hate to admit it, I still check up on her. laugh grin
It's gotten to the point where it's almost therapeutic for me now. I am so good at it that I should be a private detective, and at this point I know more about her than my husband ever did!

I never knew and never met her, but I know more about her than I should. It's weird though, because it's more like a morbid curiousity than anything else. There is a certain level of pity for her now.

Honestly I don't think she will ever be completely out of my head, but now it's a sport and not a painful pain shopping experience. Some people say "Don't let them take up space in your head", but for me now, it's kind of a joke. But a lot of it has to do with the fact my marriage is good and we have both healed from the affair. This is just my own secret OCD. wink

BS - 55 on dday
WH - 48 on dday
Dday: 9/1/17
Status: Reconciled

posts: 1240   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2017
id 8749981
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 2:51 PM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

Squish, I’m right there with you. I think having OCD tendencies makes it so much harder to let go of all the emotional baggage - anger, resentment, jealousy, rage, disgust - that I feel toward the MOW. I am five years out from DDay1, four years from learning it was a LTA, three years out from learning the A went underground while we were "reconciling" and one year out from getting the horrible timeline and travel details from the MOW. I figure my really slow discovery and agonizing trickle truth are making it a lot harder to reclaim my brain space. I have raged at her in several emails, I have scared her with social disclosure to the point that she has cancelled or made private all her online accounts, except her Etsy shop, and do I ever still stalk that one. I am always looking to see another picture of her, so I can judge her as the needy, morally bankrupt selfish liar I know her to be. I still struggle with sending one more email, to let her know my life is still a wreck, my marriage is still a mess, and she is still a horrible person living a fake life and a lie to all who know her.

Is this healthy? Hell no! Do I know better? Hell yes! Can I stop, or even begin to control the negative thoughts of her and them that are in my head all day every day? Not yet. I keep telling myself that it will take TIME. I’m just pissed so much of my time has already passed just getting to the truth. And now that I have it all, my WH does not want to talk about her or them or IT at all. So I’m on a hard rocky uphill trail.

I have tried all the tricks to reboot my brain and distract it from her and them, and I have days where I can make it almost all day. I have managed to go over a week without stalking for new information about her online. I am not proud of myself or my pace of progress, and it hurts to mix the judgement of myself into the pain of my story.

I hope in time you break free of the anger. I hope well before that you break free of comparisons because there is no comparison between a loyal loving caring person and a selfish immoral cheater. Hold your head high on that account, and if you have to compare make it about all the ways you are better than her. I wish you luck, and want you to know you are not alone.

And Evertrying, thank you for being as far out as me and admitting to your continued stalking. I feel a little less alone. I wish I could say we were happily reconciled, but I am alone in my journey, because my WH refuses to engage or discuss any of it, and I especially want to know how she mattered so much he risked everything to keep seeing her and yet she matters so little now he just walked away with no closure or guilt. It’s surreal to ponder all of it.

It IS a morbid curiosity, and I have had moments of pity for her, but she lied to me repeatedly, never apologized without being prompted, and then apologized for how hard this must be for my WH! Her only explanation for her role in the A was that she had a void in her life. Look what she filled that with….. Ugh. I hope to get to the place where she’s not in my head at all, but I would be happy to get to your place of stalking for sport rather than looking for answers that aren’t there. smile

[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 2:51 PM, Thursday, August 11th]

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 435   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8750003
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