Tacit. It’s difficult to answer your question due to lack of context. The context lacking I believe is some detail on how R is going, the work your WW has done to fix herself and help repair your relationship, and the work you’ve done to help heal yourself from the trauma of her A.
In the weeks following DDay, my wife left the house and went to live with her parents. That lasted about two months while I went to IC with a therapist who specializes in infidelity trauma and while I collected my thoughts. When she came back to the house, we spent a few months living as roommates before I finally decided on R. We are now going to MC with my IC and she herself is going to IC with another therapist that also specialized in infidelity trauma.
She has since gone NC with her AP and resigned from her job since they were coworkers. She has also read Not Just Friends and How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.
I want to say that the absolutely worst feelings of those first few months are behind me, but of course I still get triggered if something reminds me of her A or if I'm just having a bad day. When that happens, she gives me the space that I need and makes me some tea, which she knows helps me calm down.
If her emotions are sincere though, why wouldn't you comfort?
If you feel she is being genuine and you want to move forward in R, there is going to have to be some working together, you can’t put the M back together without working together.
It's hard to believe that she is not being sincere, given how one of the main reasons she cries is because our son has himself gone NC with her. I don't believe that this is an attempt to manipulate me.
Back in the early days of R, I realized that I couldn't be standoffish or punitive if I wanted a meaningful reconciliation. I remember in one particular instance, and I've shared this one before, but I had gone grocery shopping and I noticed that my WH's favorite brand of ice cream was on sale. I reached for the freezer door, and then stopped. The fact of the matter is that my WH was no longer deserving of considerate little gestures. He had betrayed me in every possible way, so why would I do nice things for him? Wouldn't he consider that as a reward? Wouldn't he think I was stupid and undervaluing myself? But it boils down to this.. did I believe that he was sincere in his remorse? Did I believe that he was a good candidate for R? Did I even want R? And it turns out that I did, on all counts. So, I decided right there and then that when I caught myself withholding or punishing or otherwise in doubt, that I would behave naturally by acting in all things as I felt inclined by my own character to do. At the worst, I'd be proved wrong and so what? I can take it. I've survived already more than I thought I could.
I appreciate you sharing this. You're right about being standoffish, believing her sincerity and about wanting R.
So if youve given the gift of R dont make her feel any less deserving of it. Dont punish her just because you've decided to make this work. Youve given her a chance so work together to make a better future. You never know you might be happier than youve ever been.
In R I think it is important to be mindful that our WS need our support.
That's what I have been struggling with the most, I think. She betrayed me in the worst way possible. She stabbed me in the back and left me bleeding on the ground. Why should I support her? But then, if I truly feel that she is undeserving, then why am I even offering R? The truth is, I don't believe that. I have seen how much she is hurting and how much she has worked since she came back to the house.
I don’t want a lopsided M where my wife is feeling like a lesser person and partner. I eventually had to decide to let her back in, to let my walls down.
As part of the Big R, both must lower their wall and tell each other what is eating at them. Then when the matter is face up on the table, then a rational conversaion can begin to resolve the difference.
That's the most difficult part, letting my walls down after being betrayed. I already had difficulty with that before the A. Now, it's damn near impossible. But I know that's something I have to work on. Otherwise, what's the point of all of this?
Thank you all for your responses. You gave me a lot to think about.