Newest Member: lrpprl

Tacit

Me: BH(48)

Her: WW(48)

Married for 23 years, 22 on DDay

Kids: Daughter(21) Son(19)

DDay: Eighth of June, 2021

Should I tell my WW about SI?

I have started posting on this site a little over a year ago when I found out about my wife's infidelity. We have now been trying to reconcile and in all this time, I haven't told her about SI. The closest I got to that was when I printed out some things from the Healing Library and asked her to read it.

A few weeks ago, I made a post on the Reconciliation forum about how I struggled with offering her support when she cries because of the consequences of her actions. I do not want to send the message that everything is fine now, or that she shouldn't be facing these consequences. However, I know that we both must heal and I was wondering if her being able to talk to other WSs would help her with the support she needs.

Should I tell her about SI?

25 comments posted: Monday, June 27th, 2022

Conflicted feelings when WS cries

DDay was just a little over a year ago. WW and I have been in R since October. During this time I have seen her crying a handful of times, particularly if the topic of our son who has cut her out gets brought up. She has said in MC that her biggest fear right now and one of the reasons for her crying is that she worries I'll come home one day and decide on D after all.

When I see her crying, for a microsecond, my first instinct is to go and comfort her like I used to. Part of me also thinks "Now you know a fraction of what I felt after DDay". Then my brain kicks in and I remind myself that these are the consequences of her own choices. Now, I just ask "what are you going to do?" and she usually replies with "be a better person" or something along those lines.

So now I'm left with the want to go and comfort her, this vindictive feeling and just apathy. I'm just not sure what to do as the BS.

16 comments posted: Thursday, June 16th, 2022

So, the AP tried contacting my wife... again

This happened yesterday, but I am still fuming over it. I get home from work and find my wife sitting in the living room. She tells me that the AP sent her a letter.

This is the second time that he has done this. I guess since she has him blocked on everything, he figures that this is how he can get in touch with her. Both times she showed me the unopened letter and asked me what I wanted to do.

We threw it away but I'm still furious. What makes this guy think he can keep trying to contact her? She has you blocked on everything, man. You're not running off with her into the sunset.

11 comments posted: Friday, June 10th, 2022

Been thinking of something that my therapist said

I've been in R with my wife for a few months now. During this time we are both going to IC and to MC. My therapist is also our marriage counselor, so whenever we have sessions together, it always feels like I have an ally there to back me up.

A few months ago, I said to him during one of our individual sessions that I was uncomfortable with all the monitoring that I was doing, like checking my wife's phone, her social media accounts, her email, etc. I told him that I felt like an abusive, controlling husband whenever I did those things.

He agreed that those things could be a sign of an abusive controlling relationship, but that in this case, they were necessary. He compared it to doing an invasive medical procedure on someone. If the person doesn't need it, then the doctor is torturing the patient, but if the person does need it, it has the potential to save a life. In our case, he said, the marriage is not healthy and is in need of an invasive procedure, which means that I'll have to establish those boundaries.

I was wondering what people's thoughts would be about it here.

19 comments posted: Friday, April 15th, 2022

What now?

I apologize if this is just a bunch of rambling and some details are missing. Everything is still very fresh to me and English is not my first language.

I suppose that I should start with some background. My wife and I started dating when we were both 20 in 1994, married when we were 25, had our daughter at 27 and our son at 29. For 27 years she was my best friend, partner and soulmate. Our children are away in college.

My in laws practically became a second family to me. My brother and sister in law often treated me as if I was the "fourth" sibling and their parents acted the same. I often joked that I should have been the one changing my last name.

Two weeks ago was when I had the rug swept from under me. My sister in law called me to ask if my wife was home and if she could come over with her brother. They told me something that I never thought I'd hear. For the past five months my wife has been having an affair with a coworker. They had found out the previous week and given her an ultimatum, either she'd tell me, or they would. What I heard made me want to die. My wife and her AP had been meeting in secret almost every Wednesday at his house. Wednesday is the day when I meet with my therapist that I have been seeing since I was a teenager.

I didn't want to believe it. I thought that there must have been some misunderstanding. I didn't pick up on any signs that my wife could have possibly been cheating (this word doesn't feel like enough) on me. But my siblings in law insisted that they were telling me the truth, that they wouldn't say something like that about their sister if they weren't certain. I cried. I don't think I've ever cried in front of them before.

They were still there when my wife came home from work. As soon as she saw her brother and sister she started to cry. I didn't even have to say anything before she tried to explain herself, how she was sorry for everything. I didn't want to hear it. I told her to pack a bag and to get out of my house.I haven't seen her since that day, though my SIL often comes to check up on me. Our children still don't know anything. I still haven't gone to my therapist. I only leave the house to go to work. I haven't had a propper meal or a good night's rest in two weeks. I spend most of my day drinking and crying.

What do I do? Do I ask for a divorce? Do I try to save my marriage? Do I reach out to my wife?

261 comments posted: Friday, June 25th, 2021

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