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Newest Member: itspointless

Just Found Out :
H still in contact with affair partner

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 Misery (original poster new member #80348) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

This is my first post and I need some guidance! This is going to be long.

I want to reconcile but my H is still talking to the AP.

DDay was 3 weeks ago. It’s been trickle truth since then but I believe I have the majority of the timeline and details figured out.

Married 18 years. AP is an ex from high school 20 something years ago. They emailed every couple of years. Last year her H died from cancer (confirmed that really happened). I knew they were talking but at some point he started hiding their communications. About 2 months ago it escalated to daily text messages, 500+ sent/received per day. Plus hour long phone calls. Couple weeks after that it turned into sexting, videos & pics. April 27th they met up for 4 days. Cabin in the woods essentially. H drove an extra 250 miles (4ish hours) to met her half way. After he came back home from this I found the text messages 2 days later.
"Your my soulmate. I miss your touch etc."
They got matching tattoos. 4 small hearts.
There were also some acts in the bedroom that we as a couple have never done. Apparently it’s things he’s wanted for 8 years but never tried with me!

He has been immediately remorseful and sorry for my pain BUT he will not stop communicating with her. He’s fallen into a suicidal deep depression. He’s internalized it and now he’s a monster (his words). He doesn’t know who he is anymore and neither do I. He says he’s split into two different people. He’s stuck. He can’t make a decision cuz he loves us both.

I know he needs professional help. I know that I need help. We’ve talked many times (im not staying at the house right now). I’ve told him what I need. That my boundary is communication with her needs to stop or I won’t come home. He can’t do it. Outta angry one night I said I was done. He just said ok and cried. Next day he made a long term plan to move out. He’s given up on himself and me.

I don’t know what to do. How does a fling for 2 months destroy a 20+ year relationship. He knows how much this hurts me everyday and yet he does nothing to stop it. It’s only been 3 weeks. He needs more time. I’ve seen people call it a "fog" and relate it to coming off of drugs. But I don’t know how I handle it in the meantime. I can’t ignore what’s going on and I can’t wait forever. It will kill me.

posts: 9   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2022   ·   location: US
id 8736877
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:27 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

He doesn’t love you both. Sure, he thinks he does. But he has you both. He’s got 2 women basically competing for him.

My opinion? Don’t wait for him. Don’t play the pick me dance. It’s degrading. It’s humiliating. It benefits only him and slowly destroys you.

He can throw all the pity parties for himself all he wants. But he’s not gonna change unless he gets actual help. He needs real consequences. He can’t make a decision? Make it for him. You can’t reconcile a two-person relationship on your own.

For your own health, start detaching. Start protecting yourself. If that wakes him up, good. But don’t take him back immediately. He needs to cut all contact with her to make this work. NO contact whatsoever. And even then, that’s only the start.

And if he doesn’t wake up… well. You’ll be one step closer to freeing yourself from a love triangle you want no part of.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:31 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]

posts: 407   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8736880
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 8:55 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Oh Misery, I am so glad you found us and so sorry to read about your situation. Its unbelievable that you are going through this trauma and your wayward husband seems to be focused only on his own (self-inflicted) pain. Because your d-day is like yesterday in regards to the healing timeline, you are likely in a state of shock. You are trying to reconcile who you thought your husband was with who he actually is. It is important that you keep reminding yourself that this is who he is. The man standing before you who has betrayed you and is continuing to betray you is who he is. It is a confusing time and his current behavior is keeping you off balance.

What stands out the most to me, is that your WH does not seem to be overly concerned about your pain. Sure, he may have lamented verbally at hurting you, but what do his actions say? Reconciliation after infidelity is absolutely possible, but it is incredibly hard and it takes each partner being 1000% in. Your WH not being 100% in and cutting off the OW is your answer. It is not to say that he won't have a change of heart/character, but you do not have anything to work with. You can't want reconciliation enough for the both of you. It takes a herculean amount of strength from a wayward and yours does not have what it takes, at least right now.

He needs to shit or get off the pot, like yesterday. My dad would listen to this old band called Rush, and there is this one line in their song that goes "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice". He hasn't made a decision, but he actually has. You need to detach and start looking out for future-you, because your wayward sure af isn't.

I know you are not okay right now, and that is okay. But you can and will be okay again, you just need to start taking some action steps to get out of infidelity. Keep posting here, we understand what you are going through and what you are feeling. Do NOT share this site with your WH, at least not in the early days. We can give you advice, but he can use the info from your threads against you. Hold this one close to your chest.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8736889
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BeingNaive ( member #30652) posted at 8:56 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

I’ve told him what I need. That my boundary is communication with her needs to stop or I won’t come home. He can’t do it.

This is incorrect. It isn't that he can't, but that he WON'T. He knows what you want, he knows what he is doing is hurtful to you and he just doesn't care. It sucks, especially when you think about who he was before but he's not that guy anymore. Right now, he's being selfish.

He knows how much this hurts me everyday and yet he does nothing to stop it. It’s only been 3 weeks. He needs more time.

What does he need more time for? To talk to her, to hurt you, to have his cake and eat it too? No, it either ends now or you are done. Like Forks said, you can't reconcile on your own and playing the "pick me" dance will only hurt you more and make you angry later.

Also, the matching tattoos? What in the hell is that bullshit?! Talk about a huge slap in your face! Something to permanently connect them and something you would have to see every day? The disrespect is disgusting. I'm so sorry he's doing that to you.

posts: 273   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 8736890
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Dkt3 ( member #75072) posted at 9:18 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Why did thier relationship end all those years ago? Has he told you?

I ask because I suspect she ended it. It sounds like your husband has idealized this woman for over 2 decades but he was her second choice.

That only matters if you continue in your marriage, which, if I'm honest, doesn't sound like a wise move.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
id 8736896
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:26 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

He is not in a suicidal depression. This is a manipulation tactic to get you to swallow your feelings,and stop giving him grief about his affair.

He doesn't think he's a monster. If he did,he would end the affair.

He doesn't need professional help. He needs consequences. He wants to go? Help him pack. Get a shark attorney,and go for everything you are entitled to. Maybe that will wake him up. But, honestly, this sound like an exit affair.

The worst thing you can do is tell him you want him,love him etc. He knows this. It feeds his ego. Tell him to go. He's not the prize. You are.

You can't reconcile with an unremorseful WS, who is still in the affair.

posts: 4406   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8736900
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 9:28 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

He has been immediately remorseful and sorry for my pain BUT he will not stop communicating with her. He’s fallen into a suicidal deep depression. He’s internalized it and now he’s a monster (his words). He doesn’t know who he is anymore and neither do I. He says he’s split into two different people. He’s stuck. He can’t make a decision cuz he loves us both.

That's not love. Love isn't selfish and unkind. Love doesn't stab you in the back.
As far as suicidal depression goes, he's either for real or he's manipulating you. If he presents you with ANY kind of credible threat for suicide, call 911 and report it. He'll either get the help he needs or he'll stop trying to manipulate you. More often than not, they just want you to stop talking, but you don't have to gamble. Err on the side of caution.

This really isn't his decision to make, you realize that, right? He might feature himself to be in the catbird seat trying to decide between two lovers, but you don't have to put up with that crap. Seven years ago on my own dday, we'd been married over 30 years and I just couldn't believe that my husband would go on a Craigslist binge and screw some strange. And I do mean strange too.. barf
But he did, and my first impulse was to divorce. I told him I didn't care to hear his excuse or any details, I was done. He could split the banking and I'd find us an attorney. He gave me his best hang-dog look and said it was probably for the best, then hied off to the guest room to frantically text the latest OW. I went about my business, basically doing the 180 before I even knew what it was. (You'll find more info on that in The Healing Library, btw.) It was less than a week before he'd done the math and figured out he was going to lose everything he'd worked for all his life... his home, his adult children, the respect of family, friends, and aquaintances, half his worldly good, half his retirement, and ME. I'm no small loss either. He's had me to depend on for more than half his life (more than two-thirds now). At that point, he started asking for time to prove himself. Thirty days to show me that he could be trusted.

After thirty years, I'm like "what's the hurry?", and I'm sad as you can imagine. I agree to give him time... which he promptly screws up by trying some kind of "let her down gently" maneuver with the last of the OW. He just couldn't stand the thought of her hating him or whatever. But at that point, I told him he was either "all in" or "all out", and not later sometime in the nebulous future, but right there and then. He ghosted the OW and that was that.

It's scary to roll out that ultimatum. Maybe less so for me than for other people, I dunno. At that point, I really was DONE. I wanted out. What was scarier for me, was giving R a chance. The thing about intimate betrayal though is that no matter what decision you make or what the outcome, the BEST path to healing is relearning how to love and care for YOURSELF. Reinvesting in the WS is optional. Reinvesting in ourselves is imperative.

You are very early days and the situation is still so raw and painful. It's traumatic, and you're going to need to be gentle with yourself and mindful to take care of your physical and mental health. At the bottom line though, the person with the most power is the one least invested in the relationship... meaning, that sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage for a chance at saving it. As counter-intuitive as it feels, taking no bullshit can pay strong dividends. It introduces REALITY to countermand the cheater's wayward fantasies and makes continued recalcitrance unpleasant.

I think your best bet is to see an attorney and find out what your financial views might look like. Knowledge is power. Then spend some time thinking about what YOU want... and don't settle for less.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5665   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8736901
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:38 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

He got a tattoo?? So even if he suddenly becomes someone he's not (ie, a decent human being) you'll get to look at the permanent reminder of his betrayal on his body for the rest of your marriage.

Cut bait. Get out. He's not sorry.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8736906
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 Misery (original poster new member #80348) posted at 9:38 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

They were like 16. His family moved outta state. Talking to his mom, where I’m currently staying at. Yeah I know but his family is more of a family than my own and they will and are supporting each of us separately and will no matter what. Anyways his mom says when they moved away the 2 of them tried to continue, many long phone calls etc but obviously that didn’t, couldn’t last.
It’s funny. I’ve already told him by not making a decision, that he really is already making one. He’s continuing the affair. And I know that’s true but I can’t image a life without him in it. I don’t know how to start over and be alone. We’re supposed to grow old together. I don’t know how to detach. This entire thing just repeats in my head every second of the day.

posts: 9   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2022   ·   location: US
id 8736907
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:40 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

He’s addicted to the affair. It’s giving him some ego boost as he is the Knight In Shining Armor ( KISA) syndrome.

He’s going to rescue her from her poor pathetic life barf

BTDT.

That is how he can ruin a 20 year marriage.

He feels wanted and needed and blah blah blah.

I went through the same thing with my H (the OW did not have a deceased H) but he was going to rescue her from her poor miserable life.

There is very little you can do to stop the affair. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and get some counseling snd perhaps see a lawyer too.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12157   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8736908
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Beachwalker ( member #70472) posted at 9:57 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

It sounds like he is still in High School: 500+ text messages a day, hour long phone calls, matching tattoos, .... I mean, really!? It also sounds like he has carried a torch for this girl the whole time, and when her H died, he was there to comfort her, which lead to his (maybe) life-long desire of a weekend of sex with her in a cabin. barf

I was engaged to a girl who broke off that relationship. I was devastated to say the least. And to boot, there was no reason why. I've had to guess and speculate for decades why she did it. BUT, I decided to let her go and let my new fiancé (now WW) into my heart and make a life with her. I made that clean cut. It sounds like he never did.

I also sounds like he is being manipulative: He's fallen into a suicidal depression, he says he's a monster, he doesn't know who he is any more, etc. I am not a counselor by any means, and he may need to get professional help. You can -- and should -- point him in that direction, but he has to want to go there. IMO, however, (and that's all it is - an opinion), he seems to be playing the victim card. He wants you to feel sorry for him. DON'T!

He's maintained contact with his HS sweetheart for all these years, and now when she was at a low point, he was able to move in and be the Knight In Shining Armor (KISA). It seems this is what he always wanted, so let him have it.

And regarding what BeingNaive said:

Also, the matching tattoos? What in the hell is that bullshit?! Talk about a huge slap in your face! Something to permanently connect them and something you would have to see every day? The disrespect is disgusting. I'm so sorry he's doing that to you.


Uh, YEAH! "Amen" to that! He got a souvenir to remember the weekend he finally go to screw his HS sweetheart which you now have to see each time it's exposed?! You get the "blessing" of a visual reminder he committed adultery?! This guy is totally into himself! To make it worse, each time a friend, family member, colleague, or anyone else sees this tattoo, he gets another opportunity to brag about what he did -- cheated on his wife!

I'm sorry to be so long-winded here, but this guy has really struck a nerve with me!

You said you moved out. Maybe, initially, that was the best thing to do. But, talk with a lawyer about that. Leaving the house may give your WH some legal advantage later.

Outta angry one night I said I was done. He just said ok and cried. Next day he made a long term plan to move out. He’s given up on himself and me.


Good! Get him out so he can go be with his tattoo sweetie! And since "he's given up on himself and me," get the D papers rolling right away. You can stop at any time, but maybe this will wake him up from the "dream" he's in and the nightmare he's putting you through.

I've read many times here when the WS leaves for the AP, it rarely works out. If he wasn't faithful to you, what makes you think he will be faithful to her?

Hang in there, girl! This will be tough, but we're here for you. It sounds like this guy needs to run full speed, head first into a lamp post!

posts: 300   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8736914
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 9:59 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Do y'all have any kids?

I think you need to start looking for a more permanent/semi-permanent residence and go no contact with your WH. Like block his number and block his ass on social media. I think you need immediate space from your WH to get some clarity. I think continued contact with him halts your healing and impacts your ability to see this situation objectively. Limit your correspondence and interaction with him to just email, and do not respond within 24 hours (unless its an actual emergency). He is no longer the main character of YOUR life. YOU are.

Block him. Do it today.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8736915
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:52 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

I am going to be cruel to be kind. I have neighbors that this happened to and I have several friends that this has happened to. There’s some sort of imprinting that goes on with high school sweethearts and many years later they reconnect. Sometimes while they’re both married to other people. I’m sorry this is happening to you but I want you to be prepared that he’s going to leave you. I have been following a woman whose husband did this after 25 years of marriage. He walked out the door and did not look back and wound up in Florida with his high school girlfriend. She tried her best to put her life back together and the smartest thing she did was sell her house and move. She lives in New England about a block away from the ocean and she started painting. She’s kept her job but she’s also found a lot of friends and a boyfriend with her art and her ability to try new things. It’s taken her seven years to find everything she needed but she sounds very happy now. Please take heart, you will get through this. If he makes up his mind to leave he’s going to leave and there’s not much you can do about it. Just don’t beg.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3351   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8736946
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 12:04 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

Do NOT allow fear of the unknown or being alone stop you from getting the best out of YOUR life.

This man is not suicidal and he is not remorseful. Remorseful people do not continue to inflict pain on their partners.

Get an attorney. Find your rights and his obligations.
See your dr get full STI testing and let your dr know what's up. This is traumatic stuff and impacts your health more than you realize. If you aren't sleeping or eating let the dr know. Also get a referral for a therapist that specializes in trauma. Not infidelity. Thats his problem, not yours.

Do not allow him to continue to inflict pain on you. Draw your line and stick to it. And if for fucks sake he does wake up and try to stay and make it work the first thing he does is get that matching tatt removed in the most painful way possible. That is a level of selfish asshat that you cannot ignore.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19337   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8736949
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 12:07 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

I have been following a woman whose husband did this after 25 years of marriage. He walked out the door and did not look back and wound up in Florida with his high school girlfriend.

FFS, what is with the pull of high school flames? Unresolved feelings? Something about them just being able to uproot so many years of a long-term relationship the minute they 'reconnect' with old loves is downright callous.

Glad the woman has found happiness again.

posts: 407   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8736953
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 12:56 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

MIsery,
I am sorry you had to find us.
Please read all the bullseye posts in the JFO forum and read the Healing Library. These have GREAT information for someone who, well, just found out.
Please schedule an appt right away with your doctor to get a full panel STI / STD testing done. The last thing you need is an STI.
And schedule an appt with a lawyer right away. Not to file, but to LEARN. Learn what D might look like, what your situation would look like. Knowledge is power and will help alleviate the fear of the unknown. Don’t tell him - just do it. (Also ask about leaving your house— there are times when that can work against you.
Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Eat healthy food, drink LOTS of water (crying is very dehydrating), get some exercise, and try to get good sleep. See your doc if you are having trouble with these.

Who do you have IRL to lean on besides his family? Rally your support network and I highly recommend IC (individual counseling) to help you navigate the roller coaster of emotions.

My now XWH pulled similar bullsh*t (without the tattoos.. that is over the top.. like you wouldn’t notice???) after 25 years. His AP was unhappy in her 3rd marriage and hadn’t found mr. Right until her 9th affair, this time with my H. Even pulled the "I’m garbage and want to kill myself routine". The KISA armor thing is strong, and combined with cliche midlife crap and some high school crush barf barf

You deserve better. He doesn’t love you. What he is doing is not love.
Watch his actions and ignore his words.

You are a strong woman- you will get through this.
Keep posting.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4792   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8736954
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:42 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

I'm so sorry your husband is putting you through this nightmare. We've all walked in your shoes. crying

Gently, show strength not weakness. Stop communicating with him. Seek out an attorney even if it's just for knowledge. Show him you will not tolerate another minute being abused, yes, cheating is emotional abuse. It's going to be difficult but you can do it. No begging or pleading or doing the pick me dance. He sounds like a master manipulator.

You will get through this. Continue to lean on trusted family/friends. Find a good IC for yourself. Get out of the house and meet up with friends to give you a respite from this nightmare.

Sending a virtual hug...

posts: 11545   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8736961
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Mac1976 ( member #42288) posted at 2:44 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

Really sorry for your loss. I read your whole post. After the first few sentences my immediate response was to just let him go and save yourself as best you can. Reading the rest of it didn’t change my opinion. I know this is hard. Sorry again for your loss.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2014
id 8736966
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:56 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

Why are you at his parents house while he gets to stay in the marital home? Go back home as soon as possible and send his cheating ass back home to his mother. If he wants to act like he's 16 years old again, then he can do it in his old room... maybe he can even put up his old Nirvana posters and smoke pot out the window while his parents sleep, too.

How did you find out about his affair? You don't say how you discovered it, but he obviously wasn't doing much to hide what he had done considering that he came home with a new, obviously romantic tattoo!

Let Romeo have his Juliet. Tell him that you won't stand in the way of his true love and file for divorce. You don't mention if you have children or any shared assets, but if you do, take advantage of any guilt he might be feeling at the moment or eagerness to be with the AP to secure a favorable settlement for yourself.

Maybe if your husband is served with divorce papers, he will have a wake-up call and remove his head from his rectum. But if not, then you will be saving yourself months and years of precious time that he would've wasted by continuing to cheat.

Lastly, the next time he mentions suicidal feelings or make any threats of self-harm, call 911. If he's suffering from clinical depression, then you will be doing him a favor by getting him evaluated and ensuring he receives the treatment he needs. But if he's not serious and is just throwing a pity party for show, he will think twice before trying to manipulate you this way ever again.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:10 AM, Wednesday, May 25th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8736975
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:08 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

Fork27

FFS, what is with the pull of high school flames? Unresolved feelings? Something about them just being able to uproot so many years of a long-term relationship the minute they 'reconnect' with old loves is downright callous.

It has nothing to do with unresolved feelings. These people are emotionally stunted in the mindset of self-absorbed teenagers. They want to regress to a period of time when they were better looking, had few responsibilities, and relationships were only about having fun and making themselves happy.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8736977
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