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Misery

Do It Yourself Divorce

Who here has filled divorce without attorneys? We’re considering something like legalzoom website and doing the paperwork ourselves. Frankly we can’t really afford for both of us to get lawyers and overall it shouldn’t be too complicated. We’re selling the house and the money will sit in an account until we file and split it 50/50. No kids are involved. Sad that 18 years doesn’t result in a ton of things to consider. My WS is pretty agreeable as there’s significant guilt on his part.
We’re living separately atm but can’t sustain it without selling the house asap. I’m heartbroken over all of this and really don’t wanna file for divorce. DDay was May 2nd. But he’s certain there’s no repairing our relationship and wants to just everything done. I want to wait as I don’t think it’s really hit reality for either of us yet.
I’d like to start splitting things financially, living separately, before we file for divorce. At least for, idk 3-6 months? Would that make divorce easier or harder.
Idk my mind is spinning with everything going on. Really I just wanna crawl in a cave and hide from all of it. But I know I can’t ignore it and we need start moving forward whatever that looks like.

14 comments posted: Sunday, July 10th, 2022

H still in contact with affair partner

This is my first post and I need some guidance! This is going to be long.

I want to reconcile but my H is still talking to the AP.

DDay was 3 weeks ago. It’s been trickle truth since then but I believe I have the majority of the timeline and details figured out.

Married 18 years. AP is an ex from high school 20 something years ago. They emailed every couple of years. Last year her H died from cancer (confirmed that really happened). I knew they were talking but at some point he started hiding their communications. About 2 months ago it escalated to daily text messages, 500+ sent/received per day. Plus hour long phone calls. Couple weeks after that it turned into sexting, videos & pics. April 27th they met up for 4 days. Cabin in the woods essentially. H drove an extra 250 miles (4ish hours) to met her half way. After he came back home from this I found the text messages 2 days later.
"Your my soulmate. I miss your touch etc."
They got matching tattoos. 4 small hearts.
There were also some acts in the bedroom that we as a couple have never done. Apparently it’s things he’s wanted for 8 years but never tried with me!

He has been immediately remorseful and sorry for my pain BUT he will not stop communicating with her. He’s fallen into a suicidal deep depression. He’s internalized it and now he’s a monster (his words). He doesn’t know who he is anymore and neither do I. He says he’s split into two different people. He’s stuck. He can’t make a decision cuz he loves us both.

I know he needs professional help. I know that I need help. We’ve talked many times (im not staying at the house right now). I’ve told him what I need. That my boundary is communication with her needs to stop or I won’t come home. He can’t do it. Outta angry one night I said I was done. He just said ok and cried. Next day he made a long term plan to move out. He’s given up on himself and me.

I don’t know what to do. How does a fling for 2 months destroy a 20+ year relationship. He knows how much this hurts me everyday and yet he does nothing to stop it. It’s only been 3 weeks. He needs more time. I’ve seen people call it a "fog" and relate it to coming off of drugs. But I don’t know how I handle it in the meantime. I can’t ignore what’s going on and I can’t wait forever. It will kill me.

90 comments posted: Sunday, May 29th, 2022

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