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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 4:57 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

WH is home from his conference. This morning he said we need to talk and said he can’t do this anymore.
I completely shut down. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I called my mum to come over.
He said he’s been trying but he thinks our relationship is too broken to fix. He can’t keep going like this- worrying about how I’m going to cope every time he leaves the house.
He went and picked our youngest up from school so he could talk to our sons together. They are upset and angry.
I’m just numb. I can’t even look at him.
He’s upstairs now packing his bags.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8734971
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:05 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I'm so sorry.

((((MumaBear))))

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2762   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8734972
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 6:07 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I'm very sorry that he has done this to you. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment.

Worrying about how you're going to cope? Bull, he just doesn't want to deal with the fallout of his actions. He can't cope with making right the damage he's done. So he's running.

I know everything feels dark and terrible right now. But this can be the beginning of a happier future for you and your family if you choose that and set your mind to making it happen.

Best wishes to you.

Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled

posts: 382   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8734979
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Chicklette ( member #70303) posted at 6:13 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I’m so sorry. This is terrible news - it sounded as though he was doing the right things, such as keeping in touch while he was away.

I can’t help wondering what happened while he was there to make him change?

Look after yourself. I’m glad you have a Mum who is willing and able to come over and support you. Accept all the support and love you can get to see you through. 🤗❤️

Me: BS 59 at DDay
WH: 61 at DDay
Married: 27 years at DDay
Dday: 22 March 2019
In R since 11 April 2019
I love him and have forgiven him. He’s very contrite.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Essex UK
id 8734980
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 7:39 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I can’t help wondering what happened while he was there to make him change?

@chicklette

I asked him straight away if anything had happened with AP because she was there. He said no. He had already said he couldn’t do this anymore so it’s not like he had any reason to lie.

I called him on wed night because I was in a bad headspace because he hadn’t replied to my msgs. At first he didn’t answer so of course my mind went to "he can’t answer because she’s there" and when he finally called me back I was a mess. He said seeing me like that made him angry. He was so busy and had such full, exhausting days. He just couldn’t deal with my freaking out anymore. He said he could see that things were never going to change, I would always think he’s cheating no matter what he does to reassure me.

I brought up about leaving his job again- if he left 3 months ago like he said he would, I wouldn’t be freaking out like this.

I just can’t believe he’s given up so quickly.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8734985
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 8:35 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I’m sorry for your pain!

I asked him straight away if anything had happened with AP because she was there. He said no. He had already said he couldn’t do this anymore so it’s not like he had any reason to lie.

I called him on wed night because I was in a bad headspace because he hadn’t replied to my msgs. At first he didn’t answer so of course my mind went to "he can’t answer because she’s there" and when he finally called me back I was a mess. He said seeing me like that made him angry. He was so busy and had such full, exhausting days. He just couldn’t deal with my freaking out anymore. He said he could see that things were never going to change, I would always think he’s cheating no matter what he does to reassure me.

Please repeat after me, cheaters lie. Cheater lie each time they open their mouth! He is blaming you, he is angry with you? For his own choices? Listen I was a constant mess over a period of 2 years past dday. I used to call WH in meetings with snot crying noises and he’d come out of meetings and talk everything through with me. Again. He once had to stay late for an emergency and FaceTimed me keeping the phone on FaceTime for 2 hours so I can see AP wasn’t there. He went on a work trip with a time difference of 6 hours once (no AP there) and he stayed up with me even though it was 2am there because I kept having panic attacks. He came back at the end of the 5 days exhausted and the first thing we both did was sleep. He never complained because by then he wasn’t invested with two women anymore and was throwing everything at saving our marriage, he knew this was one of the most traumatic events and it wasn’t about him, the trauma turned his strong minded, independent wife into a wreck.

I can give you examples like this on and on not because I want to say my WH is better than yours, but because I am just hoping that you will realise: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did not drive your WH away with your trauma response to HIS actions, he was never remorseful, never committed, he just enjoyed cake eating and being wanted by two women at once for a bit longer whilst creating the future narrative “I haven’t left my family for another woman, I’ve tried saving it but my wife just couldn’t get over it”.

Your WH is justifying his departure by blaming you with a reason. Watch this space, you’ll find that reason soon enough.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I am glad your mum is there with you. Lots of virtual hugs from me.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 9:06 AM, Friday, May 13th]

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45 at the time of the A
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1462   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8734987
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:18 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

He said seeing me like that made him angry. He was so busy and had such full, exhausting days. He just couldn’t deal with my freaking out anymore.

This is all proof that he is a very selfish man who isn't loving, and is not up to reconciliation.

He's being cruel now, blaming it on you, because that makes him feel less guilty. I'm sorry to say this, but it's clear he doesn't love you. If he did, he'd be desperate to save the marriage that he destroyed. Instead, he's calculated that you're not going to rugsweep and just make things easy for him as he likes them, so the marriage just isn't worth it for him. The breakup isn't your fault. It's his. When someone doesn't love their partner, they will end things as soon as the cake is no longer being served.

And you have no way of knowing that he didn't interact or sleep with the AP. He's a selfish man who cheats and lies. He isn't trustworthy.

You're devastated now because divorce is a big change, but it will help to recognize the truth. Your husband is no prize. He is a selfish man who cheats, lies and doesn't love you. Trying to keep a marriage going with a spouse like that is no way to live.

You had bad luck being with him. His disordered personality, his marrying you despite a lack of love, and then cheating, is all about him, not you. You are worthy of love and devotion. I hope you find it elsewhere.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734993
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:46 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I'm so sorry. crying

He continues to lie. Either he left bc he wants out of the marriage or he just is a coward and cannot handle the fallout of his actions.

As the other poster said, you have no way of knowing if he is telling the truth about the conference. Cheaters lie. All of them.

Lean on close family and friends for support. Find a good IC.

I'd also OUT him to his family and friends before he decides to twist the truth about why he left.

[This message edited by annb at 12:53 PM, Friday, May 13th]

posts: 11507   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8734995
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:56 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

He’s a coward. Plain & simple.

Not man enough to stay snd fight for your marriage and you and your family.

He cheats & lies and then runs away, leaving YOU to clean up after him. He really expected you to sweep this under the rug. And when he realized you were not going to do that, he runs away.

How sad. I’m so sorry for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:21 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11869   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734997
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 12:29 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I am very sorry

He is a selfish immature shallow man

He’s blame shifting- it’s not his actions that is the problem but your reaction to them. He is saying this marriage can’t be saved because of you. He runs you over with his truck (metaphor for his affair) and is blaming you for bleeding and hurting. Why can’t you be a super human and pretend the affair never happened? Why do you have to any emotions? He caused you the most incredible devastation but he’s not interested in helping you heal because the damage is too great.

That’s bull crap

We all know it

He’s not a good man

I am very sorry

I hope you find the strength you need as you journey this path

It’s not an easy one but reconciling with a selfish man is not either. You can work your butt off only to have him cheat/leave again in 5, 10, 15 years

Lean on your mum, friends, and folks here to help you

My heart breaks for you

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 12:30 PM, Friday, May 13th]

Me: BW mid 50’s
Him: WH late 50’s
Marrried 25 years
Dday: EA 2002
PA 9/2021
Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request)
WH left to be with AP

posts: 218   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8735023
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 MumaBear1978 (original poster member #79830) posted at 1:22 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Thank you for your kind replies.

I am numb. I’ve cried a few times (howled really) but I’ve just laid on the lounge and slept on and off. My mum is staying over tonight.

I can’t believe that he left. I can’t believe I’m lying here alone. That I have to sleep alone. That I have to do everything alone.

I never thought he could hurt me and my boys like this. I just can’t believe it. I don’t know if I can get through this.

posts: 78   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8735028
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 1:29 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

You CAN get through this and you'll be better for it!

I know it doesn't seem that way now, I know.

Let yourself grieve. Feel yhr feels. Then strap on thise bitch boots and be thst mumabear.

Hugs.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)
Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 24066   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8735030
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:48 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

The howling cries...those come from a place you never realize was even there...so deep...so dark crying . I am so sad to see this is happening to you (((HUGS))).

Don't even think for ONE moment that ANY of this was because of something YOU did. He is to have FULL blame for HIS choices...and this one STINKS of his selfishness. HE can't take this anymore???? YOU HAVE HAD TO TAKE IT ALL EVER SINCE DDAY...yet you still showed GRACE and MERCY to give him the GIFT of R!!!!!!

It may not seem like it now...but you have been given a gift Dear Lady by him leaving. Some people spend YEARS in a False R...like I did with my 1st H. He played me so well...until I actually caught him with another adultery co-conspirator several years after I found out about the 1st one crying . My 1st H strung me along...blaming me for OUR issues...and I eventually started blaming myself as well. I tied myself up in knots trying to get US back on a good track...only to have him cheat anyway crying . He probably never stopped cheating...I just didn't think he would hurt me like that again. Selfish people do not care.

This is a HARD lesson to learn...but you will get through this lesson and come out feeling MUCH better and stronger. It just HURTS so bad right now crying .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6036   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8735031
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:16 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

You don’t realize it yet, but he is doing you a favor. He spared you years of frustration and false R.

Let the garbage take itself out.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 737   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8735036
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 2:28 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

This is an awful situation for you MumaBear, but this too shall pass. When you are able to look at it a little more objectively, he is doing you all a favor by saving you the heartache of dragging this out for months only to do the same thing. I don't say that to hurt you further, but to try and frame his leaving as saving you false R and months of worry about him. Hopefully you are able to detach from him and move forward with you and your boys into a new and better life. The way him on the road this week was a mini-hell is not the way you want to spend a marriage. I'm sorry for your loss and pain, but the sun rises today and it will keep rising, all you have to do is rise with it and be kind and loving to yourself and your babies.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 207   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8735045
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CometGirl ( member #56179) posted at 3:02 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

Just wondering where he left to? Is he staying with friends? A hotel? AP? It’s very odd how he comes back after seeing AP and starts gaslighting and blaming you. You are so much better than this. You offered a second chance after the biggest betrayal from your husband. You can get through this. Just read all the success stories here. Good luck!

posts: 93   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2016
id 8735073
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mommabear1010 ( new member #79915) posted at 3:58 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I'm so sorry. I;m glad you have your mom close by to offer support.

The pain is so raw right now I know it's hard for any words to make anything feel better. He's not worthy of your attention at all. For him to come home and do a 180 and just out the door? Hell no. Something happened. Where is he staying?

When someone cheats on you let them stand on the decision. In the weeks and months to come I have 100% faith that you will come out of this stronger and see this man for what he is...a liar and a cheat!!

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 41   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8735123
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 3:59 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

I never thought he could hurt me and my boys like this. I just can’t believe it. I don’t know if I can get through this.

OP don’t blame yourself for any of this. I said this before, it takes a very long time to reconcile the person standing in front of you, the cheater, liar and the betrayer, with the man you thought you knew. Of course it does. You thought you were married to a respectful man, one who would give his life for his kids, one who would cherish you and value you.

Instead you got a liar, cheater, who thought he can put your senses to sleep and continue as before and when he saw you won’t rug sweep and enable them to continue his affair he left.

OP you can’t see it now but you are in a better place than yesterday. You are free of someone who was gaslighting you, who was making you take all the guilt of his affair, who was not willing to put any effort in truly trying to reconcile. He isn’t the prize.

Of course you can do this. I know the feeling of wanting to die well. Too well. But you’ll soon get angry, find your bitch boots, put them on and show this man what you’re made of.

Please don’t allow him to yo-yo between you and the AP, is quite common, he will want to continue to get his ego fed by often checking you’re still available for him to come back. Don’t give him that. Provide him with an email address to communicate regarding the kids and block him. Ask your mum to help you with child visitations, take the kids over. Don’t allow him to continue to get his ego inflated at the cost of your emotional health.

Lots of hugs, my heart is bleeding for you.

BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45 at the time of the A
Dday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1462   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8735124
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:03 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

No sweetheart.

He did not leave because of you,your pain,your anger,your inability to cope amd trust (JFC! It's been a few months,and he just spent time with the OW in the same hotel! EVERY SINGLE BS would have felt the same way you did!!)

He left because he is a jackass. A coward. A liar. He left because of his inability to cope with the consequences of his actions. I once read on here..your response to his behavior was preventable and predictable. He chose to do it anyway. FUCK HIM!

You will be ok. Better than ok. You will thrive!

posts: 4334   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8735130
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:16 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022

From one bear to another,
I am so so sorry. I remember the pain when my WH packed his bags. It is gutting. But it is like surgery to remove a cancer —- hurts like hell but is needed for you to heal. And you WILL heal.

Now is a good time to call in your posse - I am glad your mom is there. And as much pain as you are in, you need to get to a lawyer and protect yourself and your kiddos.

He’s a coward. Facing his consequences was too much for him while your reaction was exactly normal for anyone in your position. My WH went on a business trip too and it was brutal for me. He was just annoyed. I mean,,, WTAF.

Sending you strength and support. You are going to be okay. Trust in this.

-BearlyBreathing

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4705   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8735134
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