sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:02 PM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022
A good MC may help, but to heal, your H will almost definitely need IC to change from a cheater to a good partner.
MC treats your M, and your M didn't fail. Your H did. You may want help dealing with your feelings and deciding what to do. Your H needs help dealing with his feelings and resolving the issues that enabled him to cheat. That's IC work.
You say you don't feel safe. Those words are normally used by BSes who JFO. But you you fear for your personal safety? Do you fear your H? If you do, is it because you sense a threat from him, or is it your history that makes you fear him?
If he's abused you in the past, D is likely to be better option.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:14 PM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022
OW lie all the time about being pregnant by the OM. It's a very common theme.
And now she is refusing a paternity test.
If it were ME, that would tell me she is lying.
If it were me,I'd tell my husband I was pregnant. Then I'd give him the choice of staying there,or leaving with me. If he left with me, then the typical rules of reconciliation would apply. NC with OW. We would then begin to heal,and attempt reconciliation. If OW believes he is the child's father, it would be on her to prove it. Otherwise, I think its safe to assume its not his baby,and we would put her in the past.
[This message edited by HellFire at 4:15 PM, Tuesday, February 22nd]
sandylee ( member #45659) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2022
Don't tell him about the pregnancy yet. He'll wear you down with begging and promises and it will be difficult to leave.
Make sure he has no way of accessing your phone to find any of your posts on here. Change your passwords on everything if he knows them. Phone, email etc
You live in a small town, even if you were to have a future, it can't be in that town with everyone knowing your business.
It's best to go away before the OW comes banging on the door. She obviously wants to talk to you and probably tell you all the things your H said to her,possibly including declarations of love and promises of a future together. She's on a mission and isn't about to disappear.
For 7 months he carried on this affair, ego stroked by a younger woman who he couldn't resist, until she probably got too clingy and he got scared.
He confessed because he had no choice. She would have told you, so he did first. You have no way of knowing if this is the first affair...doesn't really matter, but had she not been pregnant, you would never have known.
You said yourself nothing changed between you. He found the time to have this affair for 7 months while you were TTC.
Look after yourself. Keep the pregnancy to yourself, at least until you're far away. My heart goes out to you.
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 4:30 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
I have officially moved out. I rented a small moving truck. My BIL packed my essentials and had furniture delivered from a local furniture store. I moved 4 hrs away. My BIL has been incredibly kind. He's paid for my move. A years worth of rent, it's a friends house who is now living back in Denmark. This all happened so quickly. But I am so grateful.
My husband is NOT happy. He's very upset. Frantically texting me, calling. I decided to block him for a few days, so he can calm down! I don't understand his reaction. I told him I felt unsafe and I told him I was going to be out of the home by the end of the week. He knows that I want a divorce and I have consulted a Lawyer.
I feel as of a million pounds have been lifted off of my shoulders. Everything here is just calming and simple and refreshing. I really didnt realize how awful I was feeling. I dont feel like my mind is racing as much. I have a cozy fireplace, I made soup. I had time to sit and think without worrying about my Husband disrupting my thoughts. My new home is perfect for me and the baby. Its a cozy two bedroom bungalow, everything is designed with HYGGE so it's super therapeutic.
I am counting my blessings. I just had a bubble bath and I just feel light and I dont feel dread. I see this SPACE between my Husband and I is much needed. Now I think I may be able to clear my head and decide what my future is going to look like. I will unblock my Husband after I have had some time to collect myself, and think about what I need to say to him.
I'm literally in a new State now. I will continue posting about my experience. I am just taking this in. I actually feel happy and had a good day today. I feel so blessed to have such a kind and generous BIL. He's saved me. I dont know how I will ever repay him. He said he knew I needed this. And me being happy and at peace is all the repayment he needs. I'm just feel so blessed tonight.
emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 4:37 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
Great update Limoncello, I’m so glad you’re feeling a moment of peace and that you are in a safe, less chaotic, cozy place (hygge is my favourite!) and that you are looking forward and planning a future for your little one. Good for you for setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being. That can be really tough and you’re doing really well in what are really difficult circumstances. I’m happy for you.
Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:44 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
Glad to see something positive.
Your H appears to be acting irrationally a bit but it’s borne out of fear and anxiety. He doesn’t want a D and doesn’t want to lose you but he knows he’s lost control over your decisions and choices.
I lived through that same situation with my H. He’s begging me to R and just beating me down mentally. Every damn day. I couldn’t take it. I finally told him if he wants to R then that’s ok. But I’m not helping you one damn bit to turn this around. And I never did.
Don’t let his stress and anxiety affect you.
Wishing you some peace and serenity.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
sandylee ( member #45659) posted at 9:44 AM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
What a positive update from you. Your new home sounds very peaceful and just what you need right now and going forwards.
Blocking your H is the right thing to do as he's bombarding you with messages and calls.
You don't need that at the moment at all.
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 3:09 PM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
Thank You so much. I woke up this morning realizing I have not had a decent night of sleep in weeks!
Oh Yes HYGGE is the absolute best!! I didnt know much about it, but the previous owner has a book shelf full of books and they're all comforting and about living simply. My BIL said he knew this was just what I needed, he practices HYGGE in his life and now I see why he's so zen!!
Anyway, Yes, I am not going to allow husband and husband anxiety to stress me. I am all focused on my baby and rebuilding my life. He gets to work on himself. If he makes changes and puts in the work then maybe I will tell him about the baby and let him become involved. Until then, I cant have his toxic life entangled in mine or the baby.
trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 5:40 PM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
Glad you found a wonderful place to live, get away and relax.
Your attorney said to be 100% sure, I disagree, I am not sure you can ever be 100% sure, there will always be "what ifs". And OW not wanting paternity test, that is fishy, why wouldn't she want it?
Your WH caused this horrible situation. He needs to work on his issues and deal with the repercussions. Unfortunately you got caught in it too. Hang in there, protect yourself and your child. I wish the best for you and your little one.
Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R
Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 8:46 PM on Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
Sounds like a wonderful location to relax and reset! Keep us posted on how you're doing!
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 2:47 AM on Thursday, February 24th, 2022
This is a wonderful place! I absolutely love it. I have had the most relaxing day.
Many more to come. I agree with the comment about my Husband needs to figure it out himself. I no longer want to participate. He has destroyed my life! He has altered my baby's life before it's even begun, in the worst way.
The fact that the OW is refusing the paternity is suspicious, but I think she may be doing it as punishment towards my Husband. Maybe she thinks it will make him want to be with her, or give her attention. I am not sure. Their relationship is becoming more toxic by the day. He has a restraining order against her. What happens when the baby comes? Will he have a restraining order against her then? It's such a toxic situation. Now that I am away, I see just how horrible it is. I am so happy to be free.
As I said many times before. I love my husband, I hope he finds a way to fix this mess. But he will do it alone. I have to focus on myself and my baby.
straightup ( member #78778) posted at 5:50 AM on Thursday, February 24th, 2022
Sending best wishes from the Southern Hemisphere across the Pacific Ocean. I hope you have your doctors lined up, are taking folate supplements, and are are finding peace. I wish you an outcome which works for you. I sound new-agey am far more hard edged than that, but reading your story, I do wish you well. I hope there is a positive outcome for you and your child.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 5:17 AM on Saturday, February 26th, 2022
It feels really great to hear how relaxed and peaceful you feel in your new place.
Fireplace and bubble baths sound wonderful. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and your baby before anything else.
I wanted to mention a few things that I'm not sure anyone else brought up.
It is suspicious that the AP doesn't want a DNA test, but there is a risk of miscarriage if done during the pregnancy. That may be her reason, but IDK of course.
The other is that it's in your best interest to be steady and consistent in what you say to your WH about the baby. Don't give him a reason to think you could up and quit the area for another country. It could be brought up in some custody matter later on.
If I have this right, your WH and AP work at the same business which is in your WH's family.
The 28 year old AP saw your WH as her ticket to Easy Street?
I don't get at all how they could have a 7 month affair and she's 6 months pregnant and he just ended it 3 months ago or told you 1 month ago? She had to have known about 5 months ago, esp. if she was trying to get pregnant.
It doesn't matter though. But it really doesn't make sense. I can only imagine what a termagant she is if she expects him to pay her rent and bills too. Maybe it's to your benefit that he knows that you are pregnant so he can factor in that expense instead of being under the mistaken impression he is responsible for only her child. Worse if he decides it's cheaper and easier to move on with her or keep her in his life if he feels he lost you forever. This is a rational thought and has to cross his mind from time to time.
After all, he needs to know what is real in his life now too. That's one of the cruelest things our waywards steal from us. That the people closest to us are dependable and what they say is true. Even after all he's taken from you, he needs to be able to make decisions about his own life with the best information you can give him.
He needs to be able to make decisions about this baby no matter what a miserable cad he is.
I am so sorry about this horrible chain of events. But... you're having a baby, one you've wanted for a long time, and that's something to be thrilled about.
[This message edited by Ariopolis at 11:19 PM, February 25th (Friday)]
Ladyogilvy ( member #31558) posted at 1:47 PM on Sunday, February 27th, 2022
17 year of a good marriage and now this? I can only imagine how devastating this must me. I put up with a lot I should not have had to with my messed up husband, but we were raising tow disabled sons. I was homeschooling them. He wasn’t around a lot because he worked a lot. I never complained about his working long hours to take care of his family. On the other hand, he was an emotionally abusive alcoholic so I really had no reason to mind him being away. Even so, I thought he may have been mean but at least he was loyal. Finding out he had an A was devastating. For one thing, it meant he had actually had to be nice to some one else when he wasn’t willing to be nice to me. That was infuriating. It changed everything, including me. Sobriety and no contact were my very minimum requirements. (My bar should have been so much higher). I did stop allowing him to be mean to me. Like I said. It changed me.
W/O no contact, I do not believe I could have stayed in the marriage, not even for the financial security of my two disabled sons. Not even with WH being a trial lawyer and a very charismatic liar who would have made a worse ex than husband. If he had a child with OW, even if he swore there would be no contact, just monthly child support, I wouldn’t believe him. And I don’t think, as much as I love children, I am a big enough person to be a step-mom to an OW’s child. But, my WH was a pathological liar. Your WH doesn’t have a history of being a pathological liar… well, except for a good seven months. But, he plans to be a father to this child? Love does not just disappear after 17 years of marriage. Of course you are going to have mixed feelings. But, Step-Mom to an OW’s child? I don’t even think it would be fair to the child. The amount of emotional damage you would have to recover from, or sweep under the rug, would not be healthy for anyone. Your WH should be 100% focused on helping you heal. That isn’t going to happen if he is being a father to OW’s child.
Me: BW 57Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 65Married stopped counting after too many disappointing anniversaries.Two sons, 24&25years oldDD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputableevidence of... the
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 2:28 AM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
Ladyogilvy and Ariopolis Thank you so much for sharing. I have intention of being a Step parent to the OW child, even though it is not to blame.
I had a confrontation with my husband today. We have been seeing a Doctor to have a baby. This Doctor is his Brother! I left my husband last week and have a rent to own home. I hadn't told my husband that I am pregnant. But, today I told him, because we had a checkup.
I told my husband I too am expecting, he broke down. He took it hard. He wants to save our marriage more than ever now, but I am to the point of moving on.
I know my husband has the absolute right to know about his baby. He told me he doubts he is the father of the OW child. She is giving him a hard time about a paternity test and she is now avoiding him.
I have been leaving him alone. But now he is a bit overwhelming towards me. He is begging me to work on saving our marriage and he is seeking IC and he's doing what he should do to reconcile. But I just feel so good being alone.
I want us to move on and be great CoParents,but he wants us to be a family.
I told him I want to move on but he will never accept it.
He has my address but he said he will respect my privacy by not just showing up on my doorstep. He has been true to his word.
He has sent flowers and he has offered to help me financially. But he is adamant about trying to win me back.
I am just confused. I want my baby to have parents under one roof. .
I told him I didn't know if I can remain married to him.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:47 AM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
You are doing what is best for you right now. Space. Calm. Peace.
You have time to make other decisions. You do not have to decide anything right now.
But if you know this affair is something you cannot accept and rebound from, then your only option is D. And if that is the result, then he has to accept your choice.
You can be wonderful co-parents. You can remain friends. You can have a nice family without living together or being married.
You will figure it out.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 3:25 AM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
I have been following your story and my heart has hurt for you. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am glad you found a good place to live with the peace and opportunity to work on your healing and nurturing your baby. The good thing is you really do not need to make decisions right now about you and your husband. See what he does...how much does he work on him...he shouldn't be badgering you but figuring out how he got wo the point in his life he did and how never to get there again. If he does not do the work, there is no reason to even consider R.
You have told him you are not sure, and that is ok. Regardless of your decisions, he has to fix himself. Period. Stay true to your course and give yourself time to heal. Right now...just take care of you and your baby. Some individual counseling could be helpful for you as you move forward with things.
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10
Limoncello (original poster member #79931) posted at 3:29 AM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
Thank You. Yes that is exactly what I want. He is not accepting that at the moment. But he is normally very smart and measured. I believe he will come around.
At the moment he is love bombing me. I have so many flowers I sneeze when I walk in the room. I know that he is in pain. I would NEVER deny him being a father to his child.
But! I want distance. I hope he will be able to eventually accept that.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:22 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
Here are the things he should be doing.
He should be in counseling. For himself.
He should be figuring out how to make a co- parenting plan work with you.
He should stop allowing his anxiety to control him. The love bombing and all that only makes thing worse.
I was in your shoes. Except I stayed with my H b/c we had kids and it was the Christmas holidays. And we just had a death in the family. But my plan was to D. There was no coming back from his affair.
Every time he told me how "I was the love of his life" my smart mouth would repeat to him ALL of the things he told me during his affair. I repeated the ILYBNILWY speech I had to suffer through. I told him how I was accused of not loving him or supporting him etc.
The contradiction of "if I’m so wonderful and perfect why did you cheat mentality" reared it’s ugly hard for a long time. He had to face it. He had to acknowledge it.
Sadly the cheaters just don’t get the fact that the love bombing doesn’t work or make up for the fact that the choice they made cannot be undone.
Words mean nothing. They are hollow and meaningless after a betrayal. I wish the cheaters understood that. My H thought I would never have a dday2. That if he left me for the OW I would not find out. He assumed that I would just believe he ended our marriage b/c he was unhappy. 🤪
Cheaters also think the betrayed is stupid. Little do they know how smart we really are.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:27 PM, Wednesday, March 2nd]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:05 PM on Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
Limon, there is no harm in staying separated at least until you know for sure if OW is having his child or not. He has a lot to lose if she is having his kid so of course he wants to desperately believe it isn't his. But who really knows. She will likely think again about refusing a paternity test after the baby is born and the money starts to run out.