Newest Member: AcesEights

Just Found Out :
What do I do now?

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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

I know I made a bonehead move taking her phone. However I'm stuck in limbo AGAIN now that she keeps feeding me these crumbs of what's going on, but not giving the the full picture.

Not much, if anything, has changed. She's still protecting AP. She's still making threats. You don't even believe her that she will come clean in MC. Rightfully so! It sounds like another stalling tactic. She has already gotten the ball moving on separation and is smearing your name to friends and family. Any limbo you are feeling right now is because you haven't yet accepted how done and over it she is with you. You're seeing crumbs where there aren't any. Any crumbs she may have offered got thrown out as soon as she packed her bags and took off.

You need to call a lawyer TODAY. You need to tell them everything and show them any evidence you have of her saying she will file for charges of DV against you. You are in great danger and you need to open your eyes to the likelihood that MC isn't going to happen and she's quickly making moves to make her threats a reality while you're too focused on the small chance of R to protect yourself.

posts: 5065   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8690435
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 4:55 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

I'm sorry it has come to this, but her protecting the AP made me want to hurl. Let him have her. You deserve better. It's so hard to let go, but maybe this was what you needed to finally see her true colors. Best of luck to you.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8690441
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:03 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Reading your WW's response, a couple of things are clear.

I'm going to tell you now how this is going to end. She will continue to protect him, and even if you find out and out him, it won't resolve the issues your WW has with your marriage and with you. Your WW is more worried about the AP than she is about you. YOU, the BS is the one to ruin their the AP and other BS's marriage????? NOT her??? The cheating whore who jumped on a married mans dick? Do you see, you're the bad guy here.

Your wife has lost respect for you and your marriage. She would rather protect him, than what you stand for, what the marriage means to her. Its okay to want to or prefer R b/c you really loved this lady, but you have to now come to the realization that she no longer loves or feels the same way about you. Some say its the fog, others will not, but does that really matter to you?

I think in one of your previous post, along with wanting to R that going the D route is going to be tough on you b/c you dont' have friends and family close by. I hope you're starting to prepare for the inevitable. This will end in a D either now or later. Even in the event she does want to stay for now, how are you going to protect yourself and the relationship in the future when your WW has lost respect and love for you. Its going to be an uphill battle

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8690458
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 6:48 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Brother don't take her word at face value and simply assume that this will be an "amicable" D, this is the fight of your life, your STBXWW is the enemy and the wellbeing of your children hangs in the balance. You need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst, she has threatened DV charges so let me reiterate the need to record every single interaction with her, do NOT be alone with her and if you have to pick up the kids do not leave your car if it's not necessary and do not try to engage in futile conversations, keep it short and leave, and do not take any less than 50/50 custody. She took the kids with her when she left, this means she will likely go for full custody and I have my doubts that particular issue will be resolved in mediation, so again prepare for battle.

posts: 2473   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8690465
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 7:17 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

At this moment, she is continuing to repeat she is agreeing to divorce mediation. I have our initial consultation scheduled, and we have both done intake conversations with the divorce coach. This is my window of opportunity to get out while I still have my skin on. I have seen the other side and how nasty she could make everything. She realizes how expensive divorce can be if lawyers are involved, so we will start divorce mediation, which right now she is acting as if this is what she wants. I couldnt be happier. Im done doing the pick me dance, and letting this consume all my energy and time. She doesnt deserve what I have to offer.

The shameful part as many of you have mentioned is she is protecting him and prioritizing him over me. I can survive that. But she is trying to play the blame game and use her being "Scared" to paint this picture that i'm an absolute monster. Its funny she had no issue with lying to me and the kids about her whereabouts this weekend....Then meeting her affair partner for a weekend rendezvous while telling me she needed space to process the resentment she holds against me. OHH and I guess she wasn't scared about that, or the wellbeing of her children. Give me a fucking break.

I found out she was out at a bar last night from 8:30-12:00 before heading home to her mothers house, seems like someone who is scared and totally remorseful for just telling her husband she has been having an affair, and keeps our kid out of school today
(Who is the "fit" parent again?) ......

Ohh well, I'm going to focus on me, ignore her, and continue 180. No texting or anything unless its related to the divorce. I'm actually looking forward to me time, and will use it to my full advantage. I refuse to move out of our home because my wife is a cheater, that's on her conscience.

I have to admit, about a week and a half ago. I was blind, I thought that most of everyone on here was maybe biased, and my situation was different. So I do appreciate the input and help here. I look forward to contributing in future posts and making sure others know the hard facts. Thank you to everyone, and Its not over. I'm not out of the woods yet.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8690472
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:02 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Old timer here, I have seen it all.

Listen to me, and LISTEN TO ME NOW!!!!

This woman is fixing to fuck you over 10 ways to Sunday. You need an attorney, You need VAR on you at all times. You need to change the beneficiary on any life insurance policies IMMEDIATELY.

YOU NEED TO PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND, AND STOP WITH THIS THIS "OH SHE IS BEING NICE AND WANTS MEDIATION" HORESSHIT. SHE IS GOING TO TRY TO CATCH YOU WHILE YOU ARE DOWN, AND GET WHATEVER SHE WANTS.

When she can't, then you are going to be pushed against the wall, and she is going to make you look like an abusive ass. Mark my words. Be afraid, and take action NOW.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 8:03 PM, Monday, September 27th]

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19020   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8690482
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 8:09 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

You’re only good path is no contact. You can control that but little else.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690484
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 8:10 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Double post.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:11 PM, Monday, September 27th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690485
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 8:20 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

You have no reason to believe what she says. You need a lawyer now. Believe me, the cost is much better than what she is setting you up for. If you try to mediate with a person like her, she is 100% going to fuck you over as soon as she doesn't get what she wants.

Hire an attorney, carry a VAR 100% of the time, change your beneficiaries and separate finances as much as allowable and follow your lawyers advice to the letter. Don't wait. Do it immediately.

You can see how right everyone was from your thoughts of your perspective on your own situation last week. We are right about this too.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 8:25 PM, Monday, September 27th]

posts: 144   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8690487
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 10:12 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

This woman is fixing to fuck you over 10 ways to Sunday. You need an attorney, You need VAR on you at all times.

THIS.

Do not meet with her in person until you've received advice from an attorney and purchased a VAR. Don't do it. WSs are wacky AF when they're trying to justify their bad behavior. She's already playing the victim and now she's REALLY gonna go all in on you being the villain.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 604   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8690512
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 10:34 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

I think you should hire a PI and find out who the OM is but only so you can find out if he's someone who could be potentially dangerous to your child and so she doesn't try to pass him off as a new boyfriend after you're divorced.

As for mediation, if you can avoid the expense and acrimony involved with lawyers and trials, great, but you should still have the number of a lawyer on hand in case things get ugly and you need heavy artillery.

As others have suggested, you should not meet with her alone and have a VAR on you at all times. Do not discuss anything pertaining to the divorce outside of shared conversations with the mediator.

Be sure to document all of your caregiving activities with your children.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 549   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8690520
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 12:05 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

This woman is fixing to fuck you over 10 ways to Sunday. You need an attorney, You need VAR on you at all times. You need to change the beneficiary on any life insurance policies IMMEDIATELY.

Agreed. We've seen this happen here quite a few times and this is how it goes. The WS repeatedly doesn't play fair and makes threats, BS doesn't listen, and BS gets screwed over majorly. Even if you go through with mediation, what's the harm in getting a consult and seeing what can be done about her threats and how she's painting you as an abuser?

There is a poster named barcher144 whose XWW went on a long crusade to paint him as unsafe and abusive even after he was cleared by his therapist and he got screwed over in the courts by a judge who believed her despite the evidence. You can read his threads in the D section. If it can happen to him, it can happen to you.

posts: 5065   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8690541
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Lostmyself ( new member #79344) posted at 9:25 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I don’t usually comment but she is going to nuke you.

As a matter of urgency I would suggest you find out who the AP is. She is deathly afraid of you finding out because you are going to destroy him and his wife will destroy them both. Knowing this is going to be your trump card when she comes at you with all the abuse bs etc. it will help in getting her to back off. Once you are free of her still nuke them both.

Hire a PI to follow her at night when she goes out or try and get a tracker on her car. She has the kids and is going out why don’t you do some of your own detective work and stake her out and follow to see who she is meeting and then if she meets him follow him home. Not easy but can be done.

Make sure with whatever you agree to you are not signing any agreement that you won’t nuke/disparage/pursue him or her when you find out.

Time to end it.

Hang in there.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2021
id 8690602
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 12:21 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Finding his identity to have the power to end this whole thing has been my objective. I asked her when she confessed if she would be able to go NC completely. She said the person isn't someone she needs to see or come into contact with for her job. I suspect lies. She said she couldn't prove it. She is a manipulative and cheating, gaslighting bitch.

The conversation I had with my attorney was mostly related to how divorce works out in my state, support, custody, distribution of marital assets. But if I can get her to sit down, which she has said several times she is willing to do, and be civil, and keep things amicable - we can go through mediation and get it done.

At this point I'm backing down, being a model citizen and not doing anything out of character, which is what she is looking for. I refuse to do anything other than discuss divorce in front of a mediator. I'm not checking up on her or texting or calling her.

I have to focus on the kids and myself.

Take care everyone.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8690612
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:51 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

At this point I'm backing down, being a model citizen and not doing anything out of character, which is what she is looking for. I refuse to do anything other than discuss divorce in front of a mediator. I'm not checking up on her or texting or calling her.


I have to focus on the kids and myself.

Best plan for you. I wish you luck and I hope this mediation is resolved quickly and you can start moving forward snd healing. For you and your kids.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690619
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Why are you listening to her words?
You know she is nothing but a liar and a cheater.
You know she wants to come out of this being the hero and good guy. To do that, someone has to be the bad guy. You are going to end up being that guy.

You best sit down and document the hell out of the amount of time you spend with your kids, the things you do for them, the time you take them to Dr's, attend school and extracurriculars.
I know you are overwhelmed and all you want right now is peace, but trust me, anything that resembles peace currently is the calm before the storm. '

Get with an attorney, put them on retainer, and make sure they fight hard for fathers rights.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19020   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8690627
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 3:58 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

But if I can get her to sit down, which she has said several times she is willing to do, and be civil, and keep things amicable - we can go through mediation and get it done.

She's a cheater. And a liar. Liars cheat and lie some more. Everyone has said to NOT trust her words and to take care of #1 which is YOU. Didn't she threaten you with domestic abuse? Is that being civil?

posts: 195   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8690636
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:06 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

In the end she will take as much as she can get her hands on. Better wake up to reality.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690638
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Belle25 ( new member #63676) posted at 5:44 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I feel like an outlier here, but I believe you BOTH are in an unhealthy and dangerous marriage and it needs to end for both your sakes.

You have admitted to putting your hands on her in anger, during an argument. I'm sorry, but that IS domestic abuse. You've mentioned several times about not being the best husband, so I'm going to guess that that was not an isolated incident. And even if it was, there is no excuse for it, just like there's no excuse for her cheating. Especially with kids at home.

This is a very toxic marriage all around, and I'm happy to hear that you've agreed to end it mutually.

posts: 33   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018
id 8690658
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:17 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Herewego how are you doing? Is your WW still protecting the AP? Have you made more progress with mediation /D?

Sending you thoughts of strength.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3223   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8691903
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