Newest Member: Strugglinglady

Just Found Out :
What do I do now?

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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 11:50 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I believe that her reluctance to come clean is because she believes that the truth will cause you to file for D anyways. Either the OM is someone you know/has a lot to lose by you blowing his cover or she's been on dating sites, potentially connected to her work email, and the sheer number/length of time she's been doing this alone is shameful enough to warrant a D. We once had a poster here whose WW admitted to over 50 OM because of a decades long history of hook ups/ONS/dating sites. She's hedging her bets and believes that D is less painful for her than being honest even if it means R.

Sorry, OP. The only thing you can do is move forward and not bank on her coming clean. It's not common that a WS walks away denying everything even when caught red handed but it does sometimes happen.

posts: 5024   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8688867
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 11:52 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

To clarify statements earlier about getting a confession, if I get a confession and its with a coworker (Married) I could potentially expose the AP to his wife, also force her to change jobs if she wants to stay in the marriage. This is really the only way to save the marriage. Don't mean to sound like a complete doormat, but I'm not looking to divorce immediately and deal with all the bullshit. I dont have the support system of lots of friends or family around and if I could reconcile differences, that would be preferred.

I'm trying to process all of this in a short period of time. Doing my best to remain calm, not chase her and act like a complete simp. Thanks for the continued input and advice. I have taken it all in stride and Im doing what I can with limited contact with her right at the moment. Every person's personal situation is different, and I know I haven't been perfect as a husband. That doesn't mean I will condone an affair.

Appreciate you all.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8688868
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 12:04 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Tactics and gambits don't work. What works is your complete REFUSAL to continue being chumped. If a WS can catch you bluffing, they own your ass after that. So, say what you mean and mean what you say. If you tell her that you're going to divorce her unless she comes clean and tells you the truth about her affair, you need to mean it. See your attorney. Find out what you're looking at financially so you can figure out how to make it work. Get your ducks in a row, so that when you put out that ultimatum, it's got teeth. People can't play games with us unless we're willing to play. Once you get it in your mind that you're done playing, clarity will follow.

posts: 4596   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8688870
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 12:39 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Unless you play hardball, serious hardball, she's not going to confess. If you need proof to shove in her face, find out where her airbnb is and just watch. If you see a dude, knock on the door and you have your gotcha moment.

Get a car tracker installed and check it when you can, and if you see it at a location that's unfamiliar, drive there and see what it is.

There are many way to catch her if you need that proof, until then, just asking her over and over is not going to get you anywhere as evidenced by her just packing and leaving for a couple of nights.

Right now you have absolutely zero leverage since you are unwilling to pull the plug until the conditions are just right. You have to change the conditions. Get angry, and realize that right now you have no wife AND no support system, just the same as it will be if you D.

posts: 84   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688879
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 12:46 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I would suggest reading some of the stories that others have posted. The people that saved their marriage tend to be the people that nuked the hell out of the WS. The ones that hope and wish that the WS opens their eyes are the ones that suffer the most.

posts: 84   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688881
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 2:49 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I think you are watching a ship that has long left the port

The ship’s out at sea & OP’s at home in bed still asleep 🛌😴

I think she is on the verge of breaking down

what in the hell makes you think that??

You are disconnected from the reality of your situation. You keep discussing what it is you expect from your WW in order for you to reconcile with her, while, my dear, your WW’s planning a cozy getaway with her boyfriend. Last thing she’s thinking about is you & your fledgling marriage. Cart’s way before the horse. It’s a far gone conclusion to you that your wife wants to continue in the marriage, whereas it’s apparent to the rest of us that that may be the very last thing your WW is considering.

You came for help and are doing the opposite of everything you’ve been told. You’re playing checkers & your wife’s not playing at all. She’s in her birthday suit with her lover.

As Blandy said, read more stories, the BS who move in fear, like you are, have the least successful stories. Read all the times BS come back and say "I wish I had listened to you guys."

Filing for D doesn’t make it so instantaneously. You’ve said she seems terrified of you filing for divorce yet you don’t want to do the one thing that may change the landscape of this nightmare. All your other tactics are failing miserably.

My impression is you’re controlling generally, and you are definitely trying to control this outcome. You have to let that go. You cannot force a reconciliation. You cannot force your WW to confess. You cannot force your WW to want to be with you. Accept you will never know the full truth. And accept your WW may never confess, you may need photographic evidence, and she may still not confess. After being served with papers your wife will either, start taking you seriously & want make actions to reconcile (which still isn’t a guarantee), or agree to the D & you can stop wasting your time in this awful purgatory.

What I’m finding interesting are the reasons you’re giving for wanting to save the Titanic. Continuing to wish you luck. Hope you wife shares some of her bday with the kids & that your children are ok overall.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 2:52 AM, Friday, September 17th]

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8688891
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:29 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I'm sorry you're here, but based on what you posted it's obvious she's having an A, no on pays 200 bucks to masturbate in a hotel after taking nude selfies, anyone could do that at home for free bug I'm sure you know that, and now she's booked an Airbnb for a couple of days to be with her AP, which probably indicates the AP is married, that also explains the previous hotel charge, as someone else mentioned she could have more than one AP at once or on dating sites but those cases are not as typical, but yes it's a possibility too.

At this point your M is a sham, don't worry about pushing her away, she's already gone. If you need to catch her just hide a VAR and a GPS in her car, if you still need pictures/videos it would be easier for you to track her, however you KNOW she's cheating, you only need to convince yourself. At this point she's in an active A and therefore you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with and your logical option is EXPOSE her far and wide with all family and close friends and file for D, you can always stop the process if she comes around, if that happens then we could provide you with a list of demands that have stood the taste of time to give you a better chance to R successfully, however there are no guarantees even with a fully remorseful WW doing all the necessary work, at this point your WW is simply not a good candidate for R by a very long shot. Your WW is not even regretful much less remorseful and is actually still cheating, the most effective way to end an A if at all possible is to EXPOSE far and wide and without warning. Exposure typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, if full exposure and D papers don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, if so just let the D run its course and get out of infidelity.

Don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health and during a pandemic no less. Every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script, we've "seen it" play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI and other forums, those who act swiftly and decisively typically have much better results to get out of infidelity, whether that ultimately means D or R.

posts: 2448   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8688896
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 3:49 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

My impression is you’re controlling generally, and you are definitely trying to control this outcome. You have to let that go. You cannot force a reconciliation. You cannot force your WW to confess. You cannot force your WW to want to be with you. Accept you will never know the full truth. And accept your WW may never confess, you may need photographic evidence, and she may still not confess. After being served with papers your wife will either, start taking you seriously & want make actions to reconcile (which still isn’t a guarantee), or agree to the D & you can stop wasting your time in this awful purgatory.

Agree with the above 100%.

posts: 163   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8688899
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:56 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I’m sorry you are facing such disrespect from your cheating wife.

I am 8 years from Dday1 and almost 8 years from Dday2 and this was his second affair.

He had the second affair b/c there were no consequences from his first affair - emotional affair. Completely rugswept and never brought up again after it ended. He did however admit it to the last OW so now we both know he knew the first EA was wrong all along.

At dday2 I completely nuked him. I never yelled or screamed or cursed him or even threw anything. But I can tell you I took my 5’2 self and was a force to reckon with.

I told him I was Divorcing him.

I told him he had to leave. He refused. I made a phone call and told him in 3 days he was leaving.

I did a hard 180 - and 8 years later I STILL don’t do his laundry. And he will never complain either.

I left him with NO POWER to make a decision about anything concerning me or kids.

I stopped being a doormat and finally decided to assert myself. No matter what the outcome may be. No matter what the issue is I no longer give in.

Please learn from my mistakes. On the face of it all you are being lied to and disrespected. Don’t allow that to continue.

You don’t want to be posting here in another year that things have not changed — that’s a hell you don’t want fo live in one more second than you already have.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10732   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688914
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leftbroken ( member #53741) posted at 4:51 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Without remorse and contrition there is no moving forward and you can't force her into those things.

It doesn't matter if you want to reconcile, it takes more than one person and in this case the person that will have to put in the most work isn't putting in any of it. So there is nothing for you to work with.

Did you want to be treated like this? no, of course not. Did you want her to have an affair, nope again. Do you want her to continue gas lighting and manipulating you, pretty sure that one also come up as a no. So you see she is in the drivers seat not you, it is what she wants that is driving this bus not you and until you push her out of the drivers seat and take control of the direction this is going it will continue to be all about what she wants.

Even if you could force her into some sort of reconciliation would you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with somebody that was forced to be with you or would you rather be with somebody that would fight for you?

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8689042
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 10:55 AM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

Hi OP. Broken record here, I know. You hiring a PI to find out what the fuck is going on will likely be the best money you've spent
in years.

posts: 362   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8689146
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 12:34 PM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

It's a terrible situation and incredibly difficult. Despite that, you're doing a pretty good job taking care of yourself and not going too deep into the pick me dance.

However, it sounds like there is room for improvement brother. Take two more steps into the 180. Be firm. She is deep into her fantasy that this OM is what she needs. You have confronted her, which is great. But now you need to make it super clear that you will not share her with someone else. It's full stop NC and full confession or it's D. NC and confession means you might, I stress the word might, be able to reconcile. Her continuing her fantasy with the OM means D.

You've said you're leaving but you still keep asking her to confess. That's the red line that you keep letting her cross. Action is what will pour cold water on her. Sharing her behavior with her family puts pressure on her. Filing for D or S, whatever your state process is, will prove you mean it. Then she can make an informed choice. If she chooses the marriage, you can try to R. If she chooses D, then it will hurt but at least you preserve your dignity and can start to heal sooner.

Right now she's killing you slowly, spending time with OM and fantasizing that life might be better on the other side of the fence. You confronted her and she lied. That's all par for the course with infidelity. What isn't always the norm is running off to your lover for two days after being confronted. That is a bad sign brother. More action is needed to show her she is ending the marriage by her behavior.

[This message edited by Trdd at 12:36 PM, Saturday, September 18th]

posts: 359   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8689148
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:47 PM on Saturday, September 18th, 2021

Don’t be the guy that supports a spouse during an affair. Know the cheater will spend YOUR money on the affair partner. Without a care.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10732   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8689158
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 5:52 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Checking in here. So things have been in limbo the last week or so since I last posted. She told me she was taking to separate this weekend at her mothers house, and I was to stay home with the kids. Well I know she did not go to her mothers house. She got an AirBNB in the mountains instead, and I called her around 5PM yesterday. We talked briefly, and then I said bye, but did not hang up. I immediately heard her on the phone talking to a male, and heard him start briefly talking. I said, "hey honey, who are you talking to? Yeah why don't you say hi you fucking coward? " She immediately hangs up.

She text me a few minutes later and said she would call me once I calmed down (lol), I did end up getting her to confess that she is cheating. She gave some tip of the iceberg information I feel. Well, I knew the location of the AirBNB she was staying in, and I got one down the street. I drove up (2 hrs) to catch her in the act.

Once I got there, AP was not there, and I called her from outside her AirBNB and talked to her. I was really hoping to catch the other car there at the rental, and confront her about it. I need to know who the person is. She played the "Im scared" act and tried to act as if I was behaving irrationally. Which I was not. Honestly I already knew she was cheating, hearing her say it was a breath of fresh air. I ended up going inside the AirBNB with her and we talked for a really long time. I asked why the AP was in the Poconos with her, when she was supposed to be at her mothers house, and she was supposed to be getting some separation to clear her mind, and process all the resentment she has towards me. (Yes, everything I have ever done in our relationship, I am currently standing trial)

Through all of this, she is still lying and trying to protect her AP. I did say I had a PI follow them, and that I have the persons Identity, make/model and license plate of his car. (I can only bluff for so long, but I asked her if I was able to find your AirBNB and show up at the doorstep, what makes you think I don't have everything I need already?) I asked her to come clean many times, and give me everything and continued to ask for full transparency. She is protecting her AP, saying that she knows I will nuke him and expose him to his wife, ruin his marriage and career. The career comment lets me know she works with this individual. (Also, I was spot on with the Hotel that one day, she admitted to that, after lying about it)

Now that I have her in this spot, I dont want to let go of this. I need to know how to continue moving forward. I did tell her the only path forward is NC with this individual, and if that means changing jobs, so be it.

Here is her response to asking for her AP name.

I don't trust that you won't ruin someone's life and if you do that is going to lead us to divorce bc I know that their partner will come between my marriage and do whatever she can to tear us apart.

Response to asking why this AP's wife would be able to cause any more damage to us than has already occured.

She will come after me and do whatever she can to ruin my life and my career if she knows just like you want to do to him. It will be ugly. And it will not allow us to work through things and that's what you are telling me you want to do.


I asked why the hell she thinks someone would be able to ruin our marriage? We are literally in shambles. This all points to she has told me she cheated, but not the depth and duration. Its a full blown EA/PA, confirmed. How can I trust her ever again if she continues to blame shift on me, gaslight me and will not come clean. She continues to say we need marriage counseling, what a bunch of bullshit. She has been playing me like a fiddle.

I did tell her that the AP has taken advantage of her, caught her in a vulnerable state, likely shared all the nudes she was sending him. He doesnt care about her issues and marriage, he wanted a nut.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8690202
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 6:54 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Herewego21,

You are still playing the pick me dance. She is lying to you, cheating on you, and doesn't want her marriage anymore. Trying to appeal to her reason will not work, especially while she is cake eating. You need to file for divorce and expose this affair to friends and family. If you feel the need to have solid proof of her affair and blow it up, hire a PI to track them, identify the OM and inform the OBS. Other than that, you need to focus on your own healing and take care of yourself.

posts: 233   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8690204
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 7:49 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

DO NOT go to MC. That would be a huge waste of time and money.

She wants to fix this now to protect the AP. Unless she has made moves to quit and give you full transparency of her phone, email, and social media accounts, she is talking to him and telling him all about this confrontation. Do you want to keep sharing her with him or are you ready to get out of infidelity?

If she turns around and shows you proof of cutting OM off for good and comes clean so that you can tell OBS, then you can slow down or stop the process but this alone isn't enough for you to R with. All signs point to her taking this further underground while she placates you into believing she's trying.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 7:50 PM, Saturday, September 25th]

posts: 5024   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8690210
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WishidleftHer ( new member #78703) posted at 8:22 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

After this talk, your WW and the AP will cool it for awhile in the hopes you'll think it's over. Don't stop digging until you get the APs name. Then out him to his BW, then file for divorce. You don't need someone like her in your life.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8690215
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 8:26 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Talk is getting you nothing. You know the truth.

There’s a misconception that if you catch them in the act, or prove that they are cheating they’ll wake up.

Bud, she knows she’s cheating. You don’t have to tell her. Cmon.

All you’ve done with your talk is drive this further underground. You are wasting your time chasing. All that does is drive them further away.

You are the one that needs to wake up. This is who she is.

You’ve accomplished nothing. Your actions are all that will count.

I hope you wake up. Until you do you will keep yourself in limbo.

posts: 6707   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690216
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maxricomm ( new member #79388) posted at 8:44 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

You state that her schedule has her traveling far and wide and that you can't afford it. Much of what you then mention seems to be local. Tell the PI what you can afford. Whether she is cheating three states or three miles away doesn't matter. The photos do. She doesn't have to be under 24/7 surveillance.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8690220
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:52 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

She’s still protecting the affair and the OM.

She’s not interested in the marriage EXCEPT for your $ and ability to leave you & kids at the drop of a hat.

Re-read my prior post about biking my H on dday2. It tells you how to take back CONTROL not end the affair.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10732   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690224
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