Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
What do I do now?

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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:03 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

I don't trust that you won't ruin someone's life and if you do that is going to lead us to divorce bc I know that their partner will come between my marriage and do whatever she can to tear us apart.

She will come after me and do whatever she can to ruin my life and my career if she knows just like you want to do to him. It will be ugly. And it will not allow us to work through things and that's what you are telling me you want to do.

I've seen a lot of stupid excuses here but this is one of the stupidest. Your WW's sensitivity to your marriage and life is truly tearful.

We are literally in shambles. This all points to she has told me she cheated, but not the depth and duration. Its a full blown EA/PA, confirmed. How can I trust her ever again if she continues to blame shift on me, gaslight me and will not come clean. She continues to say we need marriage counseling, what a bunch of bullshit. She has been playing me like a fiddle.

Actually, you are not in shambles. Your situation and what you need to do are very clear.

You can't trust her even if she doesn't blameshift on you, not gaslight you and will come clean.

You don't need MC, you need a lawyer and to file for D and serve her.

Don't engage with her, stop doing pick me dance and do hard 180.

There is nothing positive to take from this marriage and from her anymore.

Good luck.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8690230
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cheatingisabuse ( new member #75651) posted at 11:34 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

I’m so sorry. She’s clearly showing you who she’s going to protect when it comes to you v ap. This would be grounds for me to immediately file. She needs to be jolted back to reality. Hard.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: California
id 8690233
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 1:41 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

My only recommendation is that you serve her with divorce papers immediately. If you live in a state where infidelity is relevant you can certainly force her to reveal her AP through the discovery process. I would tell her that if she doesn't cough up the guy's name immediately, you will tell all friends and family what she has been up to. Tell her you are going to her personnel department and lodge a complaint. Tell her you will make absolute hell for her if she doesn't cough up the name of her AP.

Once she complies, nuke them all. That is what they deserve. Your WW deserves no mercy. She truly played with your mind in doing it. I would not try and save the marriage. I can't imagine how that could be done. One caveat. You may wish to not reveal the affair until after your divorce is final. You definitely want your WW to keep working because of spousal support issues. Talk to your attorney in that regard. Stay strong. I've been through what you are experiencing. I handled it poorly. The only solution with something so blatant is divorce.

posts: 430   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8690245
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 1:49 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Thanks all. I have been in contact with an attorney. However it has been informal type talk. I will be going for a full consultation to understand where things are specific to state law. She continues to threaten me with domestic abuse in divorce, which I don't think she has any proof of. I'm just tired of the damn manipulation and constant blame game.

Based on how protective she is being of her AP, she either wants to keep the affair alive or keep him from being exposed to his wife. Either way, she is prioritizing him and his well being over me and her own wellbeing. She is burning down everything, what is there to save?

The confession has allowed me to get clarity on the situation and just confirm what I already suspected and pretty much knew all along. Hurtful, but such a relief.

Staying strong. Thanks

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8690247
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 2:11 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Are these threats of DV in writing like texts? Take them to the police. Save them for your lawyer. Don't just assume that she is bluffing.

posts: 5011   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8690248
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:39 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Wow, your WW is really one nasty woman. Start carrying a voice-activated recorder. I would expose her to EVERYONE including her threats to you. Anything in writing should be turned over to the police. Explain to them what is happening and that you suspect she will file a phony police report per her threats. See your lawyer immediately and file. Stay the hell away from her. Do not talk to her other than in regards to the children. If she files anything with the police, file an action against her for filing a phony police report. File a lawsuit in that regard. In discovery, you will be able to get the name of her AP. If she denies the affair under oath, she will be perjuring herself. You are at war with this despicable person. She is your enemy and don't you forget it.

posts: 430   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8690256
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 3:29 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Is she talking about when you grabbed her as the domestic abuse? You might want to not only protect yourself moving forward by carrying amVAR but also review your past behavior. Forewarned is forearmed.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:54 PM, September 25th (Saturday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8690260
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:21 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

To be safe legally every single time you are with her, around her, on the phone with her, tell her you are recording her. If she declines then tell her you will have nothing to do with her unless you have a lawyer present. You need to stand your ground on this one.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8690279
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:02 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

She continues to threaten me with domestic abuse in divorce, which I don't think she has any proof of.

Brother like others have mentioned you need to protect your self, carry a VAR or use your phone to record every interaction with her, she's protecting her AP, file for D (You can always stop it if she comes around), expose her with all family and close friends without WARNING, if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, and if so, just let D run its course and get out of infidelity, don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health. Start with full exposure to family and close friends RIGHT NOW ! and without warning for maximum impact and once you find the name of OBS tell her immediately.

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8690302
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 4:25 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

From your first post:

A few months ago we had a bad blow up, and I grabbed her.

Then you state this:

She continues to threaten me with domestic abuse in divorce, which I don't think she has any proof of.

So, I know human nature is to minimize what we do and have the person who's on our opposite side be the bad guy.

With that in mind, what do you mean you don't *THINK* she has any proof of? I can assure you that if I were the one to be blamed, I would be absolutely certain that there was zero proof.

If there is ANY chance that you've minimized your actions, then you need to have a long look at what you've done and consider that a mutual D is probably the best course of action.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8690305
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:44 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

double post.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:45 PM, Sunday, September 26th]

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8690308
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:49 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Based on how protective she is being of her AP, she either wants to keep the affair alive or keep him from being exposed to his wife. Either way, she is prioritizing him and his well being over me and her own wellbeing. She is burning down everything, what is there to save?

There is nothing to save. This should be a statement not a question from you.

She’s shown you everything you need to know.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690310
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 6:13 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Herewego

I’m a big advocate of clearly and honestly stating what you need to see and here to try rebuilding and then working on the process to detach and move on until you see and here those things … and most importantly … until she actually completes those things. NOT SAYS SHE WILL DO THEM, but actually completes them.

So with that in mind this is the type of thing I would say to her if I were in your shoes.

It’s clear you are no longer in love with me. It’s even mire clear that you are in love with this man and not me.

I am not willing or able to be in a relationship with someone who cares for someone more than she does me. I need to be my partners one and only and she needs to be mine.

You’ve made choices the last 6 months that have destroyed our marriage. And in addition you lied to me about them, told me I was crazy, and made me have to investigate in order to find out anything about what you were doing.

I was the one you vowed to love honor cherish and protect. You broke every one of those vows. And now our family has been shattered.

We had issues in our marriage. And working on them is something we both should have pursued. But you poured gasoline on them and dropped a lit match on it. You chose to find your love elsewhere instead of actually pursuing a way to improve us.

So let me be be perfectly clear and honest. There is not marriage anymore. There is only a piece of paper. There is nothing to work on in MC. Especially when your in love with someone else.

Until I see the following actions I am choosing to start the process to legally end the marriage your choices actually destroyed.

1) you tell me your boyfriends name and address if you do t you’re still protecting him and still in the affair.

2) together we call his wife and you admit everything you have done together. The truth. Every detail. If you don’t, you’re still protecting him and still in the affair.

3) you write a timeline of your entire affair. Every detail. How you’d lied to me. What you were thinking and feeling. Everything you did with him. Sexually. Emotionally. We’ll review it and refine it over time.

4) you never have contact with this person again. If you work with him you start applying for new jobs. You block him from all methods of communication. And you take every step possible to make sure he is out of our lives forever.

5) you find a therapist that specializes in Infidelity and work with them for at least a year. I’ll be starting work w a trauma specialist. There will not be MC until we have worked with them separately for at least 6 months.

6) no more privacy in communications. I have access to your phone at any time. No more secret messaging apps. Complete transparency.

7) and this is the most important. You start seeing him not as your savior but as the piece of shit he truly is. He is not only destroying his family but helping you destroy yours. Until you can prove to me that he is out of your heart and you hate him more than any of the other 8 billion people on this planet, then there is no chance for US.

Those are just the first things you need to do in order to win me back after what you have done. I can think of about 20 more, but it’s useless to even mention them since I doubt you have it in you to even do one of the above.

If you start doing these things it doesn’t mean I’m not going to divorce you. You’d need to be doing these things consistently for a year before I’d ever stop that process.

These things are non negotiable. If I don’t see them happening I continue on the path to divorce. I am not holding my breath. I honestly do t think you care enough to want to be with me anymore.

We had our issues. But I loved you. I would’ve been willing to work on them. But now You’ve broken my heart. You chose an atom bomb as the solution to fixing what wasn’t working between us.

I hope it is worth it. If you love this man go to him. I will not stand in the way of your happiness. But I hope you can look in your children’s eyes if you only end up being his side piece forever.

I wish you well.

That’s it my friend. Keep it simple. Keep it honest. State exactly what you need and then STOP DISCUSSING IT. There’s no use in doing so while she’s still protecting this man.

Read THE 180 found here in the healing library articles and implement it. Don’t do anything for her as her husband. Nothing. Cook only for you and the kids. Same for laundry and other chores.

And call the lawyer and actually get her served. The D process is long and can be stopped at any time. If she completely turns it around you can put it on pause, but as I wrote above that will take years for you to really know for sure.

I know this is hard. I know it’s seems impossible to not talk to her. But if it’s not about finances or the kids it’s not worth discussing while she is in the states of mind she is in.

Keep posting. I wish you well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:15 PM, Sunday, September 26th]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3199   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8690321
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 6:38 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Exit Affair.

You should agree it's time for the exit from the M.
The rest is coming up with the terms.
Your A is for Attorney.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 962   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8690324
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 12:45 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

I continue to read the responses and gather strength from the valuable insight.

Let me clarify some things.

Regarding the domestic abuse.

She continues to say she will take me for everything for domestic abuse, as a means to threaten me and get me to do what she wants now that she has somewhat confessed to cheating. She says she "really doesn't want to go that route, but will if I expose her AP to his wife"

Then she states she will tell me who the AP is in MC. I have ZERO confidence this is going to happen, likely will lie to MC like she has me and her family.


Yesterday, I took her phone off the charger when she was sleeping. She woke up and was immediately agitated. (rightfully so). I calmly said to her, when you are ready to talk come downstairs, but I need the truth and you must come clean about everything. She reiterated she would tell me in MC, and I said no that's not good enough. Your right to privacy and secrecy are on hold until we can review everything.

(I have been open about sharing anything I have, but that's not interesting to her, since I'm not having an affair)

I walk downstairs and she is telling me she is scared. I walk outside with her phone and send messages to all the different chats from my phone. I think FB messenger was the only message client that even sends an alert or notification of any kind.

When I get back home she has both my children awake, with bags and is leaving the house. They are both crying. She used my child's iPad to call her mother via video.

I am asking her to calm down, come speak to me and let the kids go back to bed. She leaves, without her phone. I didn't walk out after her or even make any sort of confrontation.

I'm assuming what happened after she made it to her brother's house, where her mother and step-father were staying was painting my character as an abusive spouse and she came clean about her cheating.(some of it)

My step father came over to see me and we talked for a while. I played him the recording of her phone call conversation where she admitted to cheating. (Yes I know this isn't permitted in court, but to replay for a family member, it's not bad to save my reputation). He stated that he was blown away, and felt like he had a different perspective on the situation. Now this doesn't matter if she wants to keep the A going and protect her AP.

So anyways, she stays gone all day with the kids, I gave my step father her phone. And she has essentially taken the children and not checked in with me on their whereabouts or anything. My daughter has school in an hour, I'm assuming they are bringing them up from her mother's house now, 1.5 hr's away.

I know I made a bonehead move taking her phone. However I'm stuck in limbo AGAIN now that she keeps feeding me these crumbs of what's going on, but not giving the the full picture.

Working on this bullshit, trying to keep my head clear and not backpedal.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8690415
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:36 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Your problem is you are playing HER game.

She’s not interested in anything necessary to save the marriage. That is what her actions are telegraphing loud and clear.

She’s not going to be honest - 100% ever.

She’s stringing you along and you keep falling for it. She’s got control. You are trying to get her to answer a question and she won’t. Yet you keep trying. And you are making some bad decisions that she will use against you.

You grabbed her - she’s threatening you with Domestic Violence.

You took her phone - she will use that against you too

You "forced her" to flee the home - that will be what she tells anyone and everyone — including your kids.

You need a voice activated recorder on you at all times to protect yourself. You don’t know what she will allege in order to get back at you.

Start being smart and protect yourself before you end up in jail. I know people this has happened to and you don’t need to add DV charges to your troubles.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690421
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 1:45 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

You can record everything that she's doing. It's for the court to decide on child custody. You should record the things that she does particularly when she left the house at night with the kids. You should carry VAR with you and record the threats she's stating that you will never see your children again. It's for your own protection.

posts: 387   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8690422
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:49 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

The1stWife nailed it. Read and reread her post. The smartest thing you can do is not engage with her. No contact except for children and finance matters. Be smart. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8690423
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 2:10 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

It's obvious that you want her to come crying to you that she made a mistake and loves only you and then the two of you can live happily ever after.

barf

Bro...wake up and smell the indifference. She doesn't care about you and she never will again. BUT, she Wants you to care about her.

Every act you've taken has proven that she controls you.

Until you don't care about her, you lose.

posts: 2646   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8690425
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 3:59 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Thanks for the non sugar coating. We did agree to go see divorce mediator today. She is done, im done. She chose the A over me. I can live with that, but I cant share her. I'm worried about the wellbeing of the kids. I will keep the thread posted once we get there at mediation. MC is off the table and we are trying to agree to amicably separate and go through divorce mediation to avoid a nasty divorce. Right now thats all I want. I do not want this to get nasty and drawn out any longer.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8690433
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