I’m a big advocate of clearly and honestly stating what you need to see and here to try rebuilding and then working on the process to detach and move on until you see and here those things … and most importantly … until she actually completes those things. NOT SAYS SHE WILL DO THEM, but actually completes them.
So with that in mind this is the type of thing I would say to her if I were in your shoes.
It’s clear you are no longer in love with me. It’s even mire clear that you are in love with this man and not me.
I am not willing or able to be in a relationship with someone who cares for someone more than she does me. I need to be my partners one and only and she needs to be mine.
You’ve made choices the last 6 months that have destroyed our marriage. And in addition you lied to me about them, told me I was crazy, and made me have to investigate in order to find out anything about what you were doing.
I was the one you vowed to love honor cherish and protect. You broke every one of those vows. And now our family has been shattered.
We had issues in our marriage. And working on them is something we both should have pursued. But you poured gasoline on them and dropped a lit match on it. You chose to find your love elsewhere instead of actually pursuing a way to improve us.
So let me be be perfectly clear and honest. There is not marriage anymore. There is only a piece of paper. There is nothing to work on in MC. Especially when your in love with someone else.
Until I see the following actions I am choosing to start the process to legally end the marriage your choices actually destroyed.
1) you tell me your boyfriends name and address if you do t you’re still protecting him and still in the affair.
2) together we call his wife and you admit everything you have done together. The truth. Every detail. If you don’t, you’re still protecting him and still in the affair.
3) you write a timeline of your entire affair. Every detail. How you’d lied to me. What you were thinking and feeling. Everything you did with him. Sexually. Emotionally. We’ll review it and refine it over time.
4) you never have contact with this person again. If you work with him you start applying for new jobs. You block him from all methods of communication. And you take every step possible to make sure he is out of our lives forever.
5) you find a therapist that specializes in Infidelity and work with them for at least a year. I’ll be starting work w a trauma specialist. There will not be MC until we have worked with them separately for at least 6 months.
6) no more privacy in communications. I have access to your phone at any time. No more secret messaging apps. Complete transparency.
7) and this is the most important. You start seeing him not as your savior but as the piece of shit he truly is. He is not only destroying his family but helping you destroy yours. Until you can prove to me that he is out of your heart and you hate him more than any of the other 8 billion people on this planet, then there is no chance for US.
Those are just the first things you need to do in order to win me back after what you have done. I can think of about 20 more, but it’s useless to even mention them since I doubt you have it in you to even do one of the above.
If you start doing these things it doesn’t mean I’m not going to divorce you. You’d need to be doing these things consistently for a year before I’d ever stop that process.
These things are non negotiable. If I don’t see them happening I continue on the path to divorce. I am not holding my breath. I honestly do t think you care enough to want to be with me anymore.
We had our issues. But I loved you. I would’ve been willing to work on them. But now You’ve broken my heart. You chose an atom bomb as the solution to fixing what wasn’t working between us.
I hope it is worth it. If you love this man go to him. I will not stand in the way of your happiness. But I hope you can look in your children’s eyes if you only end up being his side piece forever.
I wish you well.
That’s it my friend. Keep it simple. Keep it honest. State exactly what you need and then STOP DISCUSSING IT. There’s no use in doing so while she’s still protecting this man.
Read THE 180 found here in the healing library articles and implement it. Don’t do anything for her as her husband. Nothing. Cook only for you and the kids. Same for laundry and other chores.
And call the lawyer and actually get her served. The D process is long and can be stopped at any time. If she completely turns it around you can put it on pause, but as I wrote above that will take years for you to really know for sure.
I know this is hard. I know it’s seems impossible to not talk to her. But if it’s not about finances or the kids it’s not worth discussing while she is in the states of mind she is in.
Keep posting. I wish you well.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:15 PM, Sunday, September 26th]