Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
What do I do now?


Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:59 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

The only way to deal with infidelity is with reality.
The reality is you are divorcing. It seems like a plan you are fine with and you two have decided to try mediation to both ease the process and lower the cost.

OK – this is all fine and good. I’m totally in agreement with this so far.
However… reality… people do not divorce because they get along so well. A mediator does not ensure everything is fair, but rather tries to find a settlement you both accept. I think a mediator is a good idea, but I would all day long recommend you have YOUR attorney that you can take any suggestions and drafts to and get evaluated.

Divorce is the termination of a relationship. Basically you fired her from wife. If she wants to spend evenings in a bar or whatever… not your concern. Not your issue. Stop obsessing over what she’s doing and focus on the real issue: Terminating your marriage.

I said you fired her as your wife: Whats keeping you two living together? You hardly both expect to stay in the house? Decided who wants it, will it be sold, will either be bought out? What does the mediator say about one or the other leaving?
Start the actual processes needed to separate your lives.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9900   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8691975

crumbs ( member #28953) posted at 5:11 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

In my state, you are required to go to mediation first in hopes of not needing actual divorce court. However, both parties are strongly recommended to have an attorney with them to represent their (and the children's) best interest. A Mediator cannot give legal advice to either party so you can come up with an agreement but a judge still has to sign off on it and they may not if it's outside of standard law.

Again, this is in my state, but we were given the option of being in the same or separate rooms. We each had a prepared settlement for the other to review with our attorneys and the mediator went between the two to see if there was common ground we could work with. Unfortunately, my now X is classic NPD and after only one trip, the mediator came back in and said there was no point continuing the process, quote: "He's nuts."

However, without my attorney there reviewing and reading between the lines, I might have been tempted to give up just to get it over with. I still left with almost nothing, but my son was taken care of, and that was worth it all.

Most attorneys, at least here, have a flat fee for a one-time mediation process. My X is an attorney (not family-law) and even he had someone else with him.

DDay 2009Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10Divorced 2015 (Divorcing a NPD is no fun)

posts: 70   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2010
id 8691992

 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 3:15 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Hey all, I'm checking in. I've continued IC, and I've really been focusing on what I can control. However there are times I find myself drifting and part of me wants to patch things up with my WW. I'm leaning heavily on reading, religion, exercise and my support system. I was able to travel back home for about 5 days to create some distance between my wife and I. Monday we go to divorce mediation, in our state, we can go through a no-fault mediation and resolve things in a civil manner.

Please, I know it seems like everyone knows the situation, but at this time it's a consultation, and if we agree to move forward, we will pay the fees for the full service. They claim 96% of their clients successfully mediate divorce. We will see.

We have been in the same home, she continues to ask me to go out to eat and spend time with kids together, it's just very weird. But ultimately I think we are just keeping things civil. She still uses resentment as her excuse for everything, which I'm basically ignoring now. She doesn't own the resentment or her affair, so I'm not playing games with her. I am ridding my life of this despicable woman, and I am doing a lot of self healing. Men's groups, 4 day retreat coming up soon to address some things. I am no longer the doormat, I'm taking back some of my power and just refusing to be walked all over.

Thanks for the support and check ins. I'm talking a big game now, but my first Christmas by myself will be a different story. I'm just trying to feel these feelings, and acknowledge the emotions and process them. Take care everyone!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8692363

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:58 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

This is all you’re getting. It seems to be the number one on most cheaters list.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Your only good path is no contact.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8692371

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 7:04 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

We have been in the same home, she continues to ask me to go out to eat and spend time with kids together, it's just very weird.

This is for her and not for the kids, don't be surprised that even after/during the D process she will try to "remain friends" again this is just to assuage her guilt and tell the rest of the world that her cheating on you was no big deal and that now you're in good terms, this is to protect her reputation, yes you will have to co-parent but that can be done without all the drama, you can be civil with her going forward but that doesn't mean you have to be "friends" with her and that you will continue to go out as "friends" from now on.

Keep moving full steam ahead with the D process and end this farce. OTOH if you eventually find out who the AP is and expose him to OBS (as you should), do not be surprised that your WW comes back crawling to try to "salvage" the M after AP dumps her (very likely and almost predictable, it's by far the most likely outcome and we see it here often), don't take the bait and be someone's "plan B" just because plan "A" (AP) left the building. You need to distance yourself from her and make it crystal clear that the days of going out as a family are OVER, she made sure of that with her huge betrayal, Keep posting frequently and don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:05 PM, Saturday, October 9th]

posts: 2440   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8692385

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 9:22 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

^^^^^ definition of friend- loyal, honest , trustworthy.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8692399

 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 4:36 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

I appreciate the feedback honestly. Tomorrow is divorce mediation. I pretty much know she is still lying to me and continuing the affair even though she has said she is "emotionally unavailable to both of us"

I'm moving on, took me a while to catch up and get my head clear, but I know she is going to regret this. I still want to figure out who the fuck AP is so he can feel some pain. I've been way too nice during this whole thing and it's gotten me no where. I have been too honest and open with my wife, playing pick me. Should have went NC a long time ago, built up evidence and fucking bombed em.

As far as my work on myself, I am doing a lot of reading, trying to be present with my kids and I realize what a fool I have been. I probably should have just exposed her to everyone she knows when it first went down. It's likely one of her friends husband or a coworker. I have a few tricks up my sleeve and suspicions so I'll save those for a later date.

Peace y'all. FREEDOM

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8692608

 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 9:36 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

We had our Divorce Mediation meeting. The mediator sort of told us we weren't capable of mediation because it requires trust and everyone being on the same page. WHich is odd, because we weren't really fighting over assets or anything, it was actually civil in that regard. But we did bring up the things that have plagued our marriage.

Anyways, we talked for a while that night. Then, I went with the VAR and had it in her car. Got an entire conversation of her putting together her story with her affair partner. Best money i have spent in a long time. I will not be nuking his relationship because I dont fucking care at this point. His wife knew my wife cheated on me a long time ago, so this has been going on for a while, and she didnt tell me. Honestly, I want the quickest exit out of this relationship and as much as It pains me to say that, its whats best for my own good. My wife has turned me into a psychotic zombie, trying to know the truth, and searching for answers. She has completely manipulated me during this entire thing, turning everything about the affair into "the hurt that I have caused her, and the resentment she holds" She is a terrible person, and all my actions were never to hurt her and lie to her over and over. I wish them both well. She can have this man, she deserves him. She was a bridesmaid in this woman's bridal party, and when we were married this girl was the event manager the day of our wedding. I'll never know the truth, but I know enough to know when to run for the hills. I need to start getting my life on track and being the best father I can be.

Obviously my wife is a special kind of piece of shit, and I hope she has to live with this regret for a long time. The guy cheated on his wife to hook up with her, and acts as if he cares about her. He has a business and a busy life, so ultimately he wont be able to give her the time and attention she wants. (Im going to add in some snippets from their convo, just so you can see how fucking disgusting this all is)

WW: He wants answers, umm and now I’m like stuck, and I can’t fucking give it to him. I can’t give him the answers or he’s going to reach out to her and find out what’s actually been going on.

So now I feel like I need to leverage like actually trying to work on things to give him what he needs so he doesn’t reach out to you guys.

AP: I think you talk to your mom; I mean he has to sign in writing that he wont reach out to my wife. (Yeah, I asked for that) You go through the finalization of the divorce, and you have answers in counseling, and if not, your leverage is what you already have which is " You can reach out to AP and his wife and ruin their relationship, and I take everything, Take your pick"

WW: So, he would reach out to one of you guys, probably her, and figure out everything that’s been going on, umm if I tell him that divorce is the only answer, because he’s going to lose everything no matter what.

WW: I don’t know what she knows, I don’t know what he knows, but I know that our story needs to be on the same page.

AP: Yeah, I don’t know, I don’t have that story yet. Yeah, I can’t craft that story right now. But what I do know, is he going to force you to be in a relationship? You’re letting him dictate your life right now.

WW: Yeah, I told him last night, you’re holding me hostage to a relationship that I don’t want to be in.

AP: What did he say.

WW: He doesn’t see it that way, he said he is just being committed to his wife.

AP: But you don’t want to work on things, do you?

WW: NO, that’s what he is having a hard time with. He’s having a hard time with that answer. He doesn’t want to give me a separation, because he feels like it’s a way for me to have my affair to continue. Is what he says. So, he doesn’t want to give that to me until I give him answers. He just keeps on interrogating me of how long it is, how long it’s been, and he’s not letting me get away from those answers, so I have suggested getting in front of a marriage counselor so we can talk through things in an amicable way. Because we can’t talk through things by ourselves and keep having those conversations every night, because then I can’t be a parent to my girls. And that’s not fair to them. So, I asked him to stop doing that. Because after mediation we talked until like 10 o clock last night, and I’m like I can’t keep fucking doing this. Now you have who it is, and that’s the answer you wanted.

AP: I think the story is it happened way back when, and then it got reinvigorated. You know this summer.

WW: Are you ok with that?

AP: I mean that’s what my wife thinks anyway, so that will be consistent. Umm im not going to say that to her tonight. I need you to keep him away from her.

WW: Yeah, the only way that I can keep him away from her is I don’t know. If I pretend that I work out things.

AP: Sigh, that’s not the answer.

So with all that being said, hearing this shit almost made me faint. I knew it was all going on, but it still wasnt easy to hear. I typed it all out from their call to reference it. I know everyone will instruct me to NUKE, but I want out. I do not want to leave any chance of her fucking pulling me into divorce court!! I walked through everything today and said whats mine is mine, whats yours is yours, and you have to buy me out of the equity of the home. I should walk with a handsome deal. So she can have her affair, and i still get 50/50 custody, and she gets no alimony. I would sign on the dotted line right now for this. I want her out of my life. DONE.

[This message edited by Herewego21 at 9:39 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8693014

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 9:57 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Shop around for a shark of a divorce lawyer, interviewing more than one for the job means she won’t be able to use them because of conflict of interest. A good divorce lawyer will tell you to do this anyway.

Tell OBS, no I don’t think she knows like you think she does. AP is freaking out over this, can’t you tell???, so something is up. Share with her the transcript. For all you know she thinks they’re R and the affair is dead. They both don’t want you to talk to her and there is a reason. Also give OBS a way to reach you direct, she might have been trying butyour WW is a POS and could have intercepted calls/emails.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8693016

cheatingisabuse ( new member #75651) posted at 9:58 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

HOLY #$%!

wow I'm sorry you had to hear it like that. I guess it's better to be sure.

I more or less understand you not nuking their lives...yet. I think the more stoic, kind-hearted people on here will encourage you to take the high road, but I think that (eventual) outing is always helpful in these situations. Truth is cleansing. And fine, tbh there's a bit of schadenfreude too.

Anyway, strength to you. How long do you think it will take to divorce? Seems like she's on board, no?

posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: California
id 8693017

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:23 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

His wife knew my wife cheated on me a long time ago, so this has been going on for a while, and she didnt tell me

Sorry, I didn't understand this. It is a little confusing to me, maybe because of my poor English.

Does she know that your wife is cheating on you, but with somebody else other than her husband?

If she knows that your WW and her husband are having an A, why are they afraid of you reaching out to her?

I won't recommend nuking them, and I don't think anyone else will either.

Until you get everything you want officially of course.

Than do all the things whatever they are afraid of, as long as it doesn't harm your interests. Until then, act like you're playing their game, let them think everything is going the way they want.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8693022

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 10:26 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Ithe other grating issue, they’re both hunting what you and OBS know & don’t know. Time to keep cards close, watch for wayward monitoring and detach as much as possible so you don’t slip in the heat of the moment and reveal what you do know like this new information. They can’t create a rock solid story if there is doubts around what you might know, same with OBS. It’s why reaching out to OBS is also beneficial because you help each other blow up the cover stories.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8693023

Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 10:26 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Get out unscathed and then NUKE. He's scared shitless right now, you hold the key. Protect yourself then watch his world burn.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8693025

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:08 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Get the best settlement you can. Once it’s done then inform the other spouse.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8693037

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 11:28 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Herewego21 - Your story in some ways sounds very similar to mine. You wanted answers, and you wanted to potentially work things out if you could, but those sneaky fucks are working behind your back the whole time. And your WW....she's so fucken stupid. Just by reading the transcript you can tell he is protecting his own ass, and not giving a shit about your wife. He only cares to lead her on and to not damage his own marriage and she is fucken dumb enough to fall for that tripe.

Herewego- do not contact the OBS right now. You can hear it in their voice that that is the only leverage you have. Get your WW to sign the divorce agreement, and promise not to contact the OBS. Who fucking cares about the OBS right now, get the best settlement you can. Get her to sign, and I bet you that the AP will also ask her to sign because he only wants to protect his own ass.

I would play their game. Tell the WW, I want XYZ settlement, and maybe we can work things out afterwards. Obviously you are not going to try to win her back, you just want them to think that you're willing to sign, and you're actually giving her something by acknowledging you want to work on this after signing the agreement, which you and all of us know you aint gonna do after you get the divorce decree sign. But you do want them thinking that way, that you're slow and poor little Herewego still being hopeful. YOu want them to think that way, so that you can get the best settlement you can right now.

Once everything is signed, I'd than consider telling the OBS. You owe her nothing, since she did not bother telling you when you were being cheated on. The reason you tell her is to NUKE the AP and your exWW. Handle it in this fashion. You will walk off with a better settlement and you also get your pound of flesh on the back end.

As for your WW, she's a lost cause. She wants to exit, give it to her. You want to get even with AP, go fuck his wife after you give her all the info. DO NOT however share the VAR with her. YOu don't want that coming back to bite you in the ass.

posts: 1169   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8693047

 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 11:44 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Right now, she wants out. The OBS didnt tell me this happened a few years ago, because she knew we had kids. But she had blocked my WW on Instagram, which I recently figured out, which Is how I connected the dots. My WW is so paranoid that I am tracking her at all times, and is asking for the truth :-) I said you are no longer my concern and divorce is my only concern at this point, not trying to win you back or worry about your location. Im pushing forward with the quickest and most painless divorce process we can have. I'm getting half equity of the home, and keeping all my retirement, plus 50/50 child custody. ZERO alimony for her. For most of you here, that probably sounds like a damn dream. So Ill take it and rid myself of this selfish bitch.

As for the OBS, i will not reach out to her, because its leverage. They know they cant fucking touch me, I know this guy, I know he has a company, he has a lot of properties that are likely marital assets (Acquired within his 2.5 yr failed marriage, what a scumbag) So fuck it, i'm out. Moving on and looking forward to having this woman regret her actions forever. Its hard to not be petty and go tit for tat with her about why our marriage is ending. She likes to tell me that I ignored her emotional needs, and im abusive. (I lack vulnerability, and I have a short fuse) but Im not an abusive person. I know that in my heart. For a woman that has been involved in an affair for years to come at me like this, it just shows her true character. I especially enjoyed the part about her talking to him and talking about how they have arguments - sounds familiar! enjoy pal!

This POS wont be around to care for her kids, or take them to sports and meet her emotional needs once she is just a single mom. She is his side piece and he is as manipulative as her. Im signing off for a bit yall, just need to get my head clear and focus on this. I have appreciated all the support and responses.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8693048

Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 2:19 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

VARs are gold. Herewego, I know it hurt to hear them. I’m sorry for that. Glass half full, you now know more than most BS ever get, and now there’s no question that reconciliation is out of the question. You won’t waste your time, faster you can heal, faster you can move on.

This serves as an example of why it’s important to tell the OBS, she may have had good intentions, but BS deserve to know. Seems like you could’ve saved years. Also, all those talks BS have with their WS, and BS walk away to post here "we’re getting somewhere", wrong, WS are humoring you, there’s some motive and it’s definitely not what’s for the bests interests of the BS, the whole time they’re inwardly groaning and rolling their eyes. And an example of why WS always push MC after the fact.

They are terrified of OBS finding out. I wonder if after she caught them the first time, he signed a post nup, or she had a prenup which he threw out. Herewego, I wouldn’t promise anything in writing, she’s just gonna have to take your word for it. Exploit their fear to get the best settlement you can, then nuke them once the divorce is finalized. Hope you do come back and update but totally get taking a break. MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE DOESN’T FIND THIS SITE.

And your WW....she's so fucken stupid. Just by reading the transcript you can tell he is protecting his own ass, and not giving a shit about your wife.

Yup! She’s an idiot. In the end she’s gonna be alone and devastated. As she deserves.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8693074

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 3:46 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Just one statement, after the d is granted thermal nuclear releases one-week after.
Ensure you sign no disclosure statement pertaining to her AP or anything that bans you from disclosing to APs wife. Why does he get to have a happy home life with his BS and still get to bang your ExW?
You owe them nothing.
One day at a time.


posts: 1199   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8693081

 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 3:54 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Yeah I have changed all my logins and PIN on my device. It's time to fast track this divorce. We are passing mediation and starting the process for quick no fault D. I am getting what's rightfully mine in D, she's not touching my retirement, and she has to buy me out of the home. I want to fast track it so I can be done. Also, I don't want something to change on AP side where I don't have the leverage anymore on speaking to OBS.

They are perfect for one another and I cringe at thinking my wife will take my children around this guy. He's a scumbag and likely has been banging more than just her. Sad part also is my wife had the nerve to tell me I can't reach out to her, she has had so much pain this past year, losing her father. Yeah, now you show empathy towards her! Sorry about your loss, I'm fucking your husband.

I'm just utterly disgusted and I'm going to heal and find me a good woman that values the right things. My wife is manipulative, controlling, narcissistic. The conversations we have are as if she has zero remorse and always wants to shift blame on me for the things I haven't done to make her happy. Well I hope this makes you happy, being a side piece.

I'm out!

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8693084

RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 4:17 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

AP: I think you talk to your mom;

Huh?!? Does her mom know about this? If her mom knows about the A and is enabling it, then it makes even more sense to get out ASAP.

Your current course seems okay, as you want to get out of Infidelity first. Play nice, and get what YOU want. Get it locked in an air-tight agreement.

What happens after you get out would be a different story altogether..... just don't sign on anything or agree to anything that may jeopardize this long term plan.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 902   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8693086
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