Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
What do I do now?

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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:19 AM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Get the D done first. Do what is best for you.

making it through

posts: 1260   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8693087
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:09 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Sad part also is my wife had the nerve to tell me I can't reach out to her, she has had so much pain this past year, losing her father.

Did I miss something? I thought your WW didn't tell you and she thought you didn't know who AP (and OBS of course) was.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8693219
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 12:49 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

@guvensiz. Check my replies from Monday and then yesterday. I connected the dots on Monday, had VAR in the car on Tuesday and exposed the whole cover up, confirmed AP and everything. It's headed straight to D. She is acting remorseful but wants D. Obviously doesn't want any mutual friends to know. SMFH!

She deserves this man. He will trash her like he did his current marriage. I just can't expose the A to OBS because I need D. I cannot be in this any longer. I need out. That's the power I hold to make sure we go to D and I don't get raped in the process. Just quick and easy resolution. Then I might consider Nuking. But it's unlikely, just more drama, and she didn't notify me of the affair years ago since we had kids. But that allowed my WW and AP to continue behind OBS & my back. So fucking dumb.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8693241
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 1:14 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Tell the obs after d finished then you are the better of the 2 bs

posts: 3   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8693244
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:27 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Right now you are laser focused on getting what you need in as rapid a D as possible. You are motivated by your anger and disgust at your WW’s betrayal. Keep it going and use those emotions to get what you need. Later the sadness will seep in. Take care of you. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:28 PM, October 14th (Thursday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8693245
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 4:01 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I thought after the mediation meeting you had a talk with your WW and then you listened to VAR recordings, learned who the AP is but never mentioned about it to her.

Again, maybe I misunderstood because of my poor English. Sometimes it can be difficult for me.

It makes sense that you want to get out of the marriage as quickly and smoothly as possible. Like everyone else, I think it's fair that you nuke them after you get everything you want. But the priority should be your interests. But I remember you wanted that too.

Good luck.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8693263
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 11:05 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

looks like OBS is passive and is OK with POS cheating and telling her will have no effect. Do not keep self analyzing how bad she has been and what she is going to face in future. Get over the bitterness and act disconnected. Do not tell her how bad she is etc. Do not tell her anything you have found or doing , also do not keep checking what she is doing with POS at this stage. Since OBS is passive only way your WW feel bad would be (like you said) if the POS has other side pieces and WW find she is not exclusive.

So far she was able to enjoy the cheating b's she knows you want her. Now that you are detaching she feel less confident in her cheating (that is why as you said she feel remorse now) . Keep ignoring her and being civil with her and do not self analyzing it make you bitter.

As the D progress she will become more and more friendly and despite keeping civility do not let that get in to your emotions

Looks like POS is rich and WW thinks she can have a rich life, in addition to what you are doing to detach think of investing in things that make your stock better like more training in your job that will also keep you occupied

[This message edited by goalong at 2:12 PM, Friday, October 15th]

posts: 777   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8693285
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 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 1:44 AM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

Thank you. These last few posts have been spot on. We paid the mediation fees today and we will begin the process to split assets. I'm looking for a new home, she will buy me out of the equity of our home, I will have a nice down payment after cash out refi. I'm asking that our retirement savings stay as-is. Since I'm letting her keep the home, and we have a few other negotiated terms. Honestly I think we just need to get out of each other's way. I'm devastated by all this, which is normal, but I know it's time to go.

I am just looking at any possible way I can detach and split up assets and think through potential outcomes of our situation. Looking forward to getting out on my own, and having my own place free of her toxic behavior.

I'll post next week when I have some more updates. Until then, everyone have a great weekend and as always I appreciate the support.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8693550
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