Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

Just Found Out :
What do I do now?

default

HarryD ( new member #72423) posted at 4:15 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Most likely

Her AP is married, his wife does not know. She is protecting him. If you find out the name of AP you will tell his wife. She is happy the way it is . Have a AP for love and sex and you paying the bills. Now playing mr mom to your kids

posts: 39   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8688762
default

Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 4:17 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

saw her packing some bags minutes ago. She got herself an Airbnb for the next two nights

With him.

That was my first thought as well.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688764
default

BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 4:23 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Let me translate what she said to you. It is total bull shit
Basically she is trying to throw you a bone with the transparency statement as long as you stop bothering her about what she’s done. And at the same time she goes out fir a few nights with no explanation other than you’re supposed to just say " it’s fine"

Very few people who enter into divorce proceedings are not " scared" and apprehensive. Are you enjoying yourself now given her behavior??? Because if you pay one bit of attention to what she has texted you your life is not going to get better. She is still hooking up with someone and you know it

At some point you’re going to have to do something different. Smart people don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again and expect a different result

Bullies don’t quit until they get punched in nose. And you are being bulldozed

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 478   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8688765
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I have been married 9 years, and with her almost 15. I barely slept last night, and I'm scared. I have read countless articles and sites about my situation, but getting real feedback also helps me.

I love her so much she must love me too? Nope, her actions tell you those years with you doesn’t mean a damn thing to her.

Saw her packing some bags minutes ago. She got herself an Airbnb for the next two nights. She changed her pin code back on her phone. I asked her if she would be willing to tell me where she was one night

Blatantly cheating with her shiny new boyfriend. She doesn’t give a damn about you or what you think. Her actions are deplorable.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:15 PM, Saturday, September 25th]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8688768
default

Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I know that you are hurting and that this is a rough time for you, but man this was not only funny as living hell but also poignant


She will either be on her knees begging for forgiveness, or on her knees in a hotel somewhere.

Truly the funniest thing that I've ever read on this board!

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8688770
default

Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 4:42 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

And also correct, if she is in a hotel and airbnb, then her boyfriend is married. She'll try to nice you until she can figure out the other branch that she is holding onto is sturdy enough.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8688771
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:48 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Does anyone know....Is a keylogger on WS phone a possibility?

Many have mentioned phone logs, but I dont think contact is being made on phone logs. It's all through Signal app, maybe WhatsApp.

VAR may be of no use since phone logs do not show many calls, and I think the majority of conversation is in private apps, in person.

PI would be extremely expensive, WW travels far distances every day, and schedule is also hectic. It's not as if WW travels from point A to point B each day.

Sorry but this is just excuses to do nothing. The Calvary isn’t coming, You only need proof to suit you. Nothing else matters except what you think. Right now you are keeping yourself in limbo and until you wake up to reality will just get more of what you’ve been getting.

This is the problem, she is unwilling to come clean and confess. I asked her 5 times to come clean, confess who you are seeing and who you are sending the pictures to. She has the Signal app back again. This is 24 hours after busting her out for the hotel bullshit.


All cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re going to get.

There’s a faulty thinking that if I can prove she’s cheating she’ll stop and we can work on our marriage? Hell, she knows she’s cheating and doing it anyway.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:53 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8688773
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:57 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I agree with that. That there needs to be transparency and I agree that there doesn't need to be snooping like we're checking up on each other. I've never had to feel like that in our relationship and I don't want to start having to feel like we need to sneak through each other's phones. I agree we need to be honest about everything in order to build trust. I'm sorry that I broke that trust by taking selfies and lying to you. I really am and wish I could take it all back and just move on and let it go and figure out a solution to this

Total bullshit. Her words are meaningless. She wants her privacy to cheat on you.

Her actions - packing to go out and continue her affair.

You need actions not words. Never accept the unnecessary because you will get more of what you’ve gotten.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8688774
default

 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 5:49 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Buying herself time. Telling me in order for her to give me what I need. Which is full transparency, access to credit card statements, phone access, email, location, etc.... she needs to go through IC to address her issues with resentment and forgiveness towards me.

She sounded VERY distraught on the phone. I asked her several times to be honest and open, if she is having EA/PA just to tell me and the weight will be lifted off her shoulders. Only then can I consider reconciling. Everything always ends up, she needs to get her mind clear and get help to forgive me for everything over the past several years in our relationship. So we have playing victim, to avoid giving me what I need in order to process all the lies and deceit. Then we have blame shift towards me that I am the cause of the reason I was suspicious in the first place. Or is that gaslighting, I'm losing track here. (Along with my mind)

I did speak to an attorneys office, I could pay for the consultation to at least know my rights and see what is possible. I will at least do that. I think she is terrified of me actually filing for divorce, which in a way feels good to know that I have rattled her cage. I think she is on the verge of breaking down, but continues to find a way to squirm out of a confession.

Has anyone else got to this point, and used any tactics to actually get a breakthrough confession?

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8688787
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:13 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I think she is terrified of me actually filing for divorce, which in a way feels good to know that I have rattled her cage. I think she is on the verge of breaking down, but continues to find a way to squirm out of a confession.

Really? What makes you think this?

Her actions are she packed bags to go have more sex with her new boyfriend while leaving you at home alone.

Changed security so she can cheat in private.

Sorry man but you are in deep denial. It’s just gonna get worse until you wake up.

She knows exactly what she’s doing or she wouldn’t be doing it wold she?

Do you want absolute proof? Put a PI on her. You don’t really need it but maybe it’ll wake you up.

It’s expensive but what’s keeping yourself tied up in limbo hell costing you ?

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8688792
default

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:15 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

A lying cheaters favorite tool.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

This is the bullshit she’s feeding you and she will lie in counseling too.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:17 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8688793
default

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:39 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

You have to let go of the control aspect of the outcome. I know you're hoping to save your marriage, but sit back and look at what you're trying to save. Its nothing great. Would you advise your own daughter or son to save what you have?

If you want a chance to really shake her, listen to the advice here. YOu don't know best. Trust us all, we've been in those shoes. Everyone thinks they are different, that they know their spouse and situation best. Yea, you might like to eat at different restaurants, or have different taste in music, but by in large, humans act and behave in very contrived ways based on studies.

either you listen to the elders here, or set yourself up for more limbo. You don't know better. Follow the advice, like we all wish we did earlier on in our own Ddays. We advise you so that you don't make the same mistakes we did during our early days. if you don't take the advice, you set yourself up for a longer stay in limbo and infidelity, and you will have less of a chance to get your wife back, if at all.

posts: 1169   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8688795
default

 Herewego21 (original poster new member #79400) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

@HalfTime2017 - Ok, so I guess thats what Im searching for today. She is noncomittal to actually being honest and giving me any sort of access to her phone, whereabouts via location sharing, etc. She continues to say she doesn't want to be monitored, and I have told her Im speaking with an attorney to file for divorce. She shifts blame onto me, all textbook stuff I know.

So do I ignore her, pretend she doesn't exist, file for divorce and let her come clean if she wants to, and if not, i'm already closer to exiting a failed marriage than I would be if I try to work things out?

posts: 24   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8688796
default

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:03 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

So do I ignore her, pretend she doesn't exist, file for divorce and let her come clean if she wants to, and if not, i'm already closer to exiting a failed marriage than I would be if I try to work things out?

You take yourself out of the disaster she created. R takes two people willing and able to work hard for 2-5 years. She's not even willing to live with you. File, not as a way to make her come clean, but as a way to get yourself free of the abusive behavior she is doing.

posts: 764   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8688802
default

Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 7:24 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

This is one of those times where the only thing that you can do is what you can do. You know she is having and affair and she knows she is having an affair, so trying to admit that she is having one when she will not, well, there is absolutely 100% nothing that you can do about that.

I think you are like most of us where you are not only planning the move but planning for the next ugly confrontation. That is why the 180 is so powerful. You have said your peace, there is nothing else that you can do.

The next actions are in her court and she does nothing, then that's what she'll unfortunately get.

Make sure you have GREAT documentation of when she has been out of the house and provide it to your lawyer in whatever form he or she asks for. It will be critical for custody arrangements if it comes down to that.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8688806
default

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 8:07 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

HereWeGo,

You wrote, But her company has to schedule these dinners with Doctors, usually through email

How ugly, affairs with Doctors, they get very good at concealing affairs and keeping an honorable pubic appearance. Because of their intelligence they often have a whole system set up for seduction and conducting the affair. OM2 and OM3 were doctors in my case.

I'm also fairly certain they told your WW what to say, when to say it and how to say it so that it is believable. Well at least believable if you hadn't stumbled onto this website.

[This message edited by survrus at 8:08 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 1053   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8688811
default

scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 8:09 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I think she is on the verge of breaking down, but continues to find a way to squirm out of a confession

She is spending two nights with her boyfriend, there is no breaking down here.

So do I ignore her, pretend she doesn't exist, file for divorce and let her come clean if she wants to, and if not, i'm already closer to exiting a failed marriage than I would be if I try to work things out?

Yes. By not giving in to her "need to give you what you need" and letting her have an affair you are telling her that you are done. Filing does not mean you have to go through with it if she comes clean and starts to do what is necessary to save your marriage. But like others have said, don't file if you don't intend to follow through should she agree with it. It sucks either way but at least you can start to heal and move forward one way or the other.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8688812
default

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:34 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I think you are watching a ship long after it has left the port. It hasn’t quite gone over the horizon but it will. In the meantime you need to get your ducks in a row. This marriage is over.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8688820
default

Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 10:17 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Has anyone else got to this point, and used any tactics to actually get a breakthrough confession?

Serve her D papers and if you're able, tell her she needs to find a new place to live by X date. If you're going to get a confession that will be the time. It sounds like she's already 5 steps ahead of you, though.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688848
default

Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 10:46 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I will at least do that. I think she is terrified of me actually filing for divorce, which in a way feels good to know that I have rattled her cage. I think she is on the verge of breaking down, but continues to find a way to squirm out of a confession.


I don't know but it sounds too much of a projection of what you like to happened to your WW than what is actually happening.

Has anyone else got to this point, and used any tactics to actually get a breakthrough confession?

With what you have post hotel charges, nude selfies and all that, what does it buy you having her to confess? Would it change your mind and want to R? You seem to lose sight of the big picture of getting out of infidelity. I understand your concern about D and the impact on your kids. But ask yourself, do you really have a marriage right now?

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8688857
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211015 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy