Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What do I do now?

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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 2:55 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Not sure if this works in your area but if you can find a way to request for at least the CCTV from the hotel lobby during the time when she checked in. For sure you'll find something or in her case, someone. Maybe you'll need a lawyer for this to request for that.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8688551
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 4:25 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

I would take the word "proof" out of your vocabulary. You are not in a court of law and you are the judge and jury all by yourself

If you were hearing your story from a friend or relative, would you believe for a minute this woman is not cheating. My guess here is that a whole bunch of folks are going to tell you the same thing in a bunch of different words and none of us know each other from Adam. The only connection everyone has, or most who will respond is that adulterous has entered our lives in some manner and there is very little this group has not seen, if anything.

It’s obvious to anyone intelligent to read this forum that you do not know anything about what she has really been up to but there are so many red flags it is hard to imagine how this can all be innocent.

here’s what you do know
(1) she is lying her ass off to you
(2) there is very little chance she is going to come clean to you without some sort of consequence staring her in the face
(3) and until you take some action to make that happen you are going to be in "limbo", the worst state of all.

You DO NOT need IC or MC AT THIS POINT. .You need the truth and you need to take some action to get that or you are in for a lot more pain.

Playing the "pick me dance", as it is called here will get you nothing but more lies and gaslighting.

Just my opinion but you are not going to get anywhere without seeing an attorney to find out your rights unless you want to let her continue including you in what is most likely an open marriage not of your choosing.

You will get a lot of advice, some of it you will not like. If you reads a lot here you will see what happens ion most cases to most who totally ignore that advice.

I hope you get yourself together and take some action. I am sure you will here this again here. And that is sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. And you need to stop using your kids as a reason to do nothing until you find out from an attorney your rights. Fifty percent of marriages wind up in divorce and most kids turn out OK.

Good luck to you

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8688559
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 6:55 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

OP, you are getting some great advice here, the same that I wished I would have gotten before I agreed to stay in my M.

If I had found SI early on and listened, I would likely be divorced and a lot happier at this point.

Get a lawyer and get out as fast as you can, and then get yourself into IC…your kids need at least one emotionally healthy parent, preferably you.

I can’t see that staying with her would provide that for them.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 12:55 AM, September 15th (Wednesday)]

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8688569
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 7:00 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Just an FYI, in many states, if you are married for ten years or more and make more than she does, you could be stuck with lifetime alimony unless she gets remarried.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8688570
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 7:28 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Your question is what do I do now? You file for divorce. You said you are jealous. Her behavior would make anyone jealous. She is not stopping her behavior so it’s time tomcut the rope. You are drowning.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8688573
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 2:57 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

It's not reasonable for her to expect you to believe she paid for a hotel room so she could be alone.
The hotel room places the burden of proof on her. Now she has to prove to you she's not cheating.

IMO she paid for the hotel room because the OM is married and didn't want his wife to see the charge on their credit card.

Nothing kills an affair like exposure. Find out who the OM is and (and without warning your wife) expose him to his wife. If you warn your wife, she will in turn warn him - and he will then discredit/lable you to his wife as a crazy and/or jealous.

Inform your wife that confessing to an affair may make reconciling more difficult. However, further lies and/or withholding of information will guarantee divorce.

Finally, your wife needs to believe (really believe) that you have enough evidence to divorce her. And the only way to save her marriage is full disclosure. Bluff if you have to.

It often helps encourage full disclosure if you add that her story is subject to a polygraph test.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8688603
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 Herewego21 (original poster New Member #79400) posted at 6:55 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

First of all, for all the replies, I appreciate your support and outreach.

Im extremely hurt today, but I know if I continue to focus on myself, I'm going to be just fine. I am finding myself taking deep breaths, reassuring myself and drinking plenty of water and doing my best to eat. While some might not agree, I actually did give her the birthday card today on her side of the sink. I bought this card 3 weeks ago, and it was a card telling her how great of a wife she is. I wrote in my own words how broken and shattered I am, and told her I am leaving her. The lies and deception are a deal breaker for me. If I can't get straight answers out of her on these things I know about, God only knows what else she is hiding. I am running, cycling, and doing other things to give my mind some freedom. The dog is getting extra walks. I am also pretty busy at work right now.

A lot of the input and feedback here was what I was already feeling and expressing to my wife. At this point I do not want more answers, which are probably lies. I want full confession, and transparency before I would even agree to consider R. Likely I would have more requests for transparency beyond what she provides. I find myself continuing to try and re-read the 180 principles. One thing I did not mention in my original post was we are about an hour from where she grew up and has many family and friends here. I am about 500 miles from my hometown. I have friends here, but a lot of them are mutual friends in this area. I think this is going to be one of the most difficult processes for me. Hanging around in an area so I can be near my children, but none of my true "way back" friends are here. I think this is just a casualty of centering my life around my marriage.

Taking back my life.... Staying strong.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8688626
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 7:02 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Not sure where you live if infidelity even matters, but we all know the signs and she is gaslighting the crap out of you. If you don't know what Gaslighting means, look it up. She is doing that to you know, and its whats making you feel crazy.

I think you know the truth, but if you absolutely need it, the only way to get it now is to hire a PI. You would have had a chance with a VAR previously, but now that she is set to move out, your chances at that are going away.

I think your WW is doing the classic exit affair. Most affairs on here are those that try to pretend and hide their affair, while still being at home and hiding it from their BS. That fact that your WW is asking to separate means she is at a place where she wants to go and explore her AP and see if they can have a go of it, and how her life would be without you hounding her.

If there is any chance that you save this would be to find out the AP, if he is married then to blow it up for everyone. See if this snaps her out of it.

Reading your opening, it sounded like your marriage wasn't in a good place anyway. You can see why your wife wanted to end it. There is no excuse to have an affair, but I think you have to decide if its even fixable at this point. You already have a strained marriage and now you thrown in an affair. It might just be an uphill battle.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8688628
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:20 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Conflict in a marriage can be caused by an affair. If you go online and check your phone bill you maybe able to pinpoint when it started. Don’t be surprised to find out it’s been ongoing for awhile. This maybe what started your conflicts.

A lot of betrayed spouses want to jump in and take the blame upfront thinking if I caused it I can fix it. Faulty thinking.

From what you’ve posted this is a full on sexual affair. The only thing you don’t know is for how long.

It takes 2 to make a marriage or reconciliation. You can’t do this alone. Counseling while she is neck deep in an affair is a waste of time and money. A lot of counselors are rugsweepers which won’t help this at all.

At this point you alone cannot save your marriage. She’d have to be onboard and she’s clearly not.

Talk, words won’t get you a thing. She’s not listening. Actions are the only thing that will count.

Let her go and free yourself. You are the only one that can keep you in limbo.

Giving her a birthday card knowing she’s having an affair on you was a weak move. Never enable bad behavior. Don’t do the infamous ‘pick me dance’ either. That just lowers your status while making her new boyfriend look more attractive.

Your only other good options are to find out who her new boyfriend is and do full exposure. Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark especially if he’s married. Don’t worry about pushing her away. She’s already gone.

If you live in fear it’ll only make your situation worse. Take control. Right now giving her total control works against you.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:33 PM, Wednesday, September 15th]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8688631
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 Herewego21 (original poster New Member #79400) posted at 7:59 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

@Marz thank you. The card informed her I was leaving her, so while I should not have offered any sort of gift, the card was cold as ice. I had to send a message.

Does anyone know....Is a keylogger on WS phone a possibility?
Many have mentioned phone logs, but I dont think contact is being made on phone logs. It's all through Signal app, maybe WhatsApp.

VAR may be of no use since phone logs do not show many calls, and I think the majority of conversation is in private apps, in person.

PI would be extremely expensive, WW travels far distances every day, and schedule is also hectic. It's not as if WW travels from point A to point B each day.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8688636
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 8:03 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

If a PI is out, then your best bet is to put a GPS tracker on her car. You may start to see a pattern that you can manually follow up on.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688637
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 8:06 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

You'll have to do some research, but I believe Android has much better options of a keylogger. I've never used one, so I can't really offer any suggestions.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688638
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 10:40 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Herewego

I want full confession, and transparency before I would even agree to consider R.

Isn't it obvious to you that you are not going to get that without rocking her boat. And this 180 stuff is great but great if you make the decision to divorce her. While you are trying to get information all you are doing is giving her more space when you should be going on the offensive which is

DEMANDING A POLYGRAPH. Not requesting
Putting a separation agreement or divorce filing in front of her. You can stop that any time you want to.

You have a wife who not only is emotionally abusing you and cheating on you but given that she has no regular schedule or location a PI is not worth the cost.

You are highly unlikely to break in to a SIGNAL app communication. The main feature of this app is the difficulty it is to hack in to so you are chasing a ghost unless you are a CIA technical expert. The "selling " point of that app is its privacy.

And what is a VAR going to provide?? You already have enough incriminating "evidence" to know what is going on.

The quicker you can jolt yourself out of the denial stage of this and move to anger the better off you will be. Notice not one responder to you has told you that this is all probably innocent and explainable.

Her behavior is not going to change over what you wrote on a card. And the situation with your relatives and friends not being around is not going to change either.

Plant your foot in the ground and stop taking it. That is your best chance to jolt her off whatever fence she is on if that is possible.

People have reconciled over much worse than anything you have discovered so far. but ONLY if both parties are all in. You cannot reconcile by yourself but you can get out of infidelity, which is what this forum is for. It is not to save your marriage. That may or may not be possible and no one here can predict that

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8688660
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 Herewego21 (original poster New Member #79400) posted at 1:54 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Saw her packing some bags minutes ago. She got herself an Airbnb for the next two nights. She changed her pin code back on her phone. I asked her if she would be willing to tell me where she was one night when she came home late from a "work dinner". Just like she behaved when I approached her about the hotel, she immediately went into damage control mode. Stating that she cant prove where she is at all the time (But her company has to schedule these dinners with Doctors, usually through email) so again it's likely a hookup she was caught up in. She has showed zero remorse for her behavior, claims she is sorry, but I think that's just to get her through today. Keep in mind, I only found the pictures on Saturday, its now Wednesday. She is running for the hills, to protect the A. I told her, I think its madness that she would be willing to put her "privacy" and whatever else is going on in front of a 9 year marriage, which will impact our children. Someone who has nothing to hide would do whatever they need to preserve their marriage.

This is the problem, she is unwilling to come clean and confess. I asked her 5 times to come clean, confess who you are seeing and who you are sending the pictures to. She has the Signal app back again. This is 24 hours after busting her out for the hotel bullshit.

I'm going to be in some pain, because I have been so blind to this cheating woman, but I think I'm done here folks, going to speak to an attorney tomorrow.

She will either be on her knees begging for forgiveness, or on her knees in a hotel somewhere.

Take care all.

[This message edited by Herewego21 at 2:12 AM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8688689
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 2:18 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

You need to file and serve her now. Nothing will change if you change nothing. Since you're no longer part of her decision making process, then it's time to disconnect from her entirely. She's already out of your marriage so there's no reason to fix it.

[This message edited by beb252 at 2:19 AM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8688690
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 4:44 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

/\ /\ /\ They’re right, you know!

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8688712
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 Herewego21 (original poster New Member #79400) posted at 1:47 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Folks I'm here again, looking at attorneys today. Also I have free counseling sessions through my work, which I'm going to use to start my IC. I have confided in a few friends that my wife does not know and they have listened to me as well. I know I must take action. I am trying to remain distant, but stay firm with requesting complete transparency from WW. She will not budge, and she is asking me to trust her, even though she has continuously lied to me. I know a lot of the feedback has been to serve her papers and be done with it, but I have been married 9 years, and with her almost 15. I barely slept last night, and I'm scared. I have read countless articles and sites about my situation, but getting real feedback also helps me. Thanks again for everyone who has taken time from their day to provide input. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, being aware of my thoughts and feelings and trying to not send a 1000 word text to her expressing how I feel.

She sent me this text last night:

I agree with that. That there needs to be transparency and I agree that there doesn't need to be snooping like we're checking up on each other. I've never had to feel like that in our relationship and I don't want to start having to feel like we need to sneak through each other's phones. I agree we need to be honest about everything in order to build trust. I'm sorry that I broke that trust by taking selfies and lying to you. I really am and wish I could take it all back and just move on and let it go and figure out a solution to this

I know the birthday card telling her I am leaving her is a tough pill to swallow, but also she has to know how serious I am about this situation. I cannot live in limbo, and hope that she will just change her ways without coming clean. I need to know there is no EA/PA going on, so I can start my process of healing and consider R.

Doing my best.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2021
id 8688741
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FairyTaleGone ( New Member #79059) posted at 2:02 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I agree with that. That there needs to be transparency and I agree that there doesn't need to be snooping like we're checking up on each other. I've never had to feel like that in our relationship and I don't want to start having to feel like we need to sneak through each other's phones. I agree we need to be honest about everything in order to build trust. I'm sorry that I broke that trust by taking selfies and lying to you. I really am and wish I could take it all back and just move on and let it go and figure out a solution to this

This is straight out of the cheater's handbook! My WH spewed the same crap! She doesn't want to live like that because she has something to HIDE! She doesn't want that transparency because that is an obstacle to her secret life. Do not fall for this crap.

When everything clicked for my WH, he opened everything up ON HIS OWN. He doesn't have anything on his phone or computer that I don't have access to. Texts, calls, email, social media, hell I even have the credentials to his work stuff. Zero privacy. That is the LEAST she can do. Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 3:15 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

DDay 1 - 2/19/21 (found out about EA)
DDay 2 - 5/22/21 (TT found burner phone)
DDay 3 - 6/9/21 (TT found out about PA)

EA/PA ended 3/22/21 -WH went NC
Working on R
13yr old DD at home - unfortunately knows way too much

posts: 50   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2021
id 8688745
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I know a lot of the feedback has been to serve her papers and be done with it, but I have been married 9 years, and with her almost 15.

So what? Honestly, I don't man that to be a jerk, but what does that have to do with anything? I was almost 7 years in with my EWW.

On the other hand that length of time didn't stop her from trying to get filled by some other dude. The time is nothing but a crutch to hang on to a sinking ship. The only time that matters is what's in front of you.

I need to know there is no EA/PA going on, so I can start my process of healing and consider R.

Like I said, you have to be ready and willing to nuke the marriage and completely be 100% to even consider R. Right now, you're not anywhere close to it. YOU have to step up and face this like you are fighting to save your life. YOU have to make it crystal clear what life without you looks like and SHE has to do all of the work to win you back.

I get the sense that all she has to do right now is figure out the minimum to sate your nerves and figure out how to hide it better and you'll just let it happen. I certainly hope I'm wrong.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8688760
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 4:15 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

saw her packing some bags minutes ago. She got herself an Airbnb for the next two nights

With him.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8688763
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