I would never say thankful
I would never in a million years say that I am thankful that my WH had an affair. It was the single most horrible, mean, cruel, and disgusting thing that has ever been done to me. But...I am grateful for the changes in ME. This situation was thrust upon me, and it was sink or swim, and I was sinking big time in the beginning. I spent a few good months just trying to keep my head above water and not drown, but now I feel like I am swimming...not olympic style or anything, but better than a doggy paddle!
I have found through this situation that I am strong as hell. In the early months I remember thinking how stupid must have been to not know what was happening, but the truth is...I did know something was wrong. Gaslighting made me question that, but it never will again. I learned from that, I know I am smart, and I now know to trust my gut. I know that I am valuable and a damn catch, and that although I would be sad, if WH ever pulled a stunt like this again, I know I will be absolutely fine!
I will never say I am thankful for his affair, but I am thankful and damn proud of being at the lowest point in my life and crawling my way back. I am thankful for this journey to find myself and I am beyond thankful for this site and the people on it who make this whole situation not feel as lonely.
16 comments posted: Wednesday, June 29th, 2022
Are there any articles out there for "Grey Rock"...I have a friend who is going through all of this and I wanted to send it to them, but can't find it in the healing library.
7 comments posted: Wednesday, June 15th, 2022
Feel like I am going crazy
WH has me on the brink of insanity. We have been in true R since June of last year when the last little bit of trickle truth came out. I would say that things are going pretty well for the most part, but recently WH has started stuffing his emotions back down. Pretending that everything is fine. In his mind this was working amazingly, but to me it just felt like he was pretending that nothing happened. I brought this up to him and told him that it bothers me that he doesn't seem to ever think about the A and its aftermath, that he isn't actively showing remorse or anything.
He has been walking around since that talk in what I can only assume is a shame spiral. He says things like "this is what you wanted, see I'm showing you that I'm sad" WTF, no that isn't what I wanted at all...especially not with the attitude he has. He has been more argumentative, less empathetic, and just all around crabby. I feel like he is blaming me for these negative feelings, when he should be working through this himself. I am not the cause of any of this crap, he is, and he should be accountable for all of it himself.
The last couple days have been ROUGH. He is on edge and just being short and angry, and when I bring this or any issue up, he responds horribly. he either cops an attitude immediately or I'm met with "I can never do anything right" How are we supposed to work through any issue if his attitude is so self centered and mean?
Has anyone else gone through humps like this? What did you do? i don't feel like he is so far gone that R isn't worth it, but he is changing and its making me nervous as hell.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
Inability to handle stress
Infidelity seriously touches every part of you life. Its so unfair!
My ability to handle stress is shot...zero...nothing. After the shitshow of a year that last year was, discovering WH's A, trickle truth, crazy AP, and trying to regain any remnants of sanity that I have left, I just can't handle stress.
We have always had a rule...no snapchat for DD until she was older. Well, we found out this weekend that she has had the app for over a year (downloads and deletes it to not get caught). She has been lying about that and apparently many other things lately, and just seems like a completely different kid. Its terrifying me. She's 14, and at such a delicate age.
I know that last year was hard for her, too, and there is no doubt in my mind that her acting out is somewhat of a byproduct of what happened. She gave me the login to her acct, and I can look at anything I want on there. And she is aware that she needs to make changes. I am trying to give her the space to make them.
I just feel like I am spiraling, after being the investigator in my marriage for a good portion of last year, and all the trauma that brought on, my nerves are SHOT! Looking into her snapchat, and feeling like I don't know her, and losing trust in her is reminding me a little too much of those same feelings last year and I just don't know how to handle it all. I just want to revert back to crying alone in my bed!
4 comments posted: Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
BearlyBreathing posted something in another post that really got me thinking about the healing timeline. I know everyone heals differently, and at their own pace. But is there an average "general" timeline with what to expect at different stages of healing or affair recovery?
You are still in the early days. The common wisdom here is 2-5 YEARS to heal and that’s when things go well.
For the first 6 months you are still wrapping your head around all the happened. For some, anger and rage set in around 6 months when the shock wears off. The second year can be hard because that is when you really see- I mean really see - what happened. No rose-colored glasses, no shock. So it is TOTALLY normal to still be vacillating constantly.
10 comments posted: Friday, March 4th, 2022
Bringing up issues on trigger days
We are in A season over here. For my first one, I think its going as well as I could expect. Today is one of the "trigger" days. I can remember EVERYTHING about this day. WH knows this is a trigger day, and he is doing as much as he can considering we're both at work. I am ANGRY today...I'm sure the anger is "hurt" in disguise, but omg I am mad!
I am reminding myself that he's different now, but I just can't help but be angry with him. I told him this morning that I was struggling today, and of course, he was apologetic and kind about it. I am considering two options...1 - try to work through it on my own or 2 - dump my mental load on him today, and tell him the details I am struggling with and am angry about.
I just don't know what good either option will do. 1 - I am completely on my own, and I'll either be able to move past it today or it will be a day filled with ruminating thoughts and negative feelings and 2 - I will get it all off of my chest, but there is literally nothing he can do to change it or make it better. He will apologize, but even the most sincere apology for ripping out my heart feels insufficient at times.
3 comments posted: Monday, February 28th, 2022
First DDay Antiversary is tomorrow
Tomorrow is the first antiversary of DDay1, and I swear I can feel it in my bones! Everything feels "off" for me, and I just feel "meh". I don't feel angry and I don't feel like I am going to bawl my eyes out or anything, I just feel off. You know that ominous feeling like something bad is going to happen, but you don't know what it is? That's how I feel.
WH is feeling like that, too, but I'm not sure if its because he realizes what tomorrow is, or because we had some revelations from DD this week that rocked him a little. She is scarred from the way he acted last year, and is just now finding her footing to express this. He is struggling with the repercussions of what he did and how it affected ALL of us.
In general, he is so different especially from last year, but honestly the entire relationship. The changes he is making/has made are complete 180's in the best possible way. I feel like he finally gets it. He set reminders on his phone of all the days that I told him were going to be huge trigger days for me during the next month of "A" season...which was encouraging because I didn't ask him to do that.
But regardless of all the good, tomorrow and the next month just seem daunting...like a dark cloud is following me. I'm trying to focus on me and self care, but its still there in the back of my mind.
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5 comments posted: Friday, February 18th, 2022
First anniversary of DDay coming up
I am nearing the first anniversary of DDay. The day my life fell apart, and the month of hell that ensued after. Some days I feel like I am healing and feeling better, but others...like today the thought of living through that day again takes my breath away. I know its over a month away, and I should just try to deal with it as it comes but that seems so damn hard to do!
I read the post that was bumped yesterday about contrition, remorse and regret, and WH is checking all the boxes. I can tell that his sorrow over what he caused is coming from the right place. He is doing all the right things, he takes full responsibility, is taking the lead in efforts to make me feel safe and secure and I feel supported and loved and he is truly trying. All of this makes the day to day easier, but those sickening feelings pop back up at the thought of DDay and "A" season.
To all the veterans survivors of infidelity here...how did/do you handle A season and the anniversaries of DDay? I wish I could sleep those months away and wake up when its over, but that just can't happen
8 comments posted: Tuesday, January 4th, 2022
Finishing my degree - need advice
So, I was trying to finish my degree when DDay hit. Luckily, it all exploded before I had signed up for my next round of classes. Infidelity has taken too much from me, and i am NOT letting it take away my education, too!
I finished my Associate's degree, and now I am looking at majors. Originally, I was going to do Business Administration or Finance, because that is the industry that I am currently in, and where the majority of my experience is (over 10 years) but I'm not sure. Psychology has ALWAYS interested me...especially now since I've gone through what I have. I'm just not sure if I should go with the degree that I know will give me independent financial security and stick with my current career path, or if I should go out on a limb and explore something that truly interests me.
10 comments posted: Monday, December 20th, 2021
Comforting the WS
Like I said in one of my last posts WH has really started opening up about his emotions (something he has NEVER done before). In this, he is finally feeling the depths of the destruction he has caused. It really feels like he is kind of in the same state I was in right after DDay. Trouble eating, sleeping, he is in a constant state of sadness and disgust with himself for what he did.
He is doing such a good job with reconciliation. He’s doing everything that a BS could want in a situation like this. I just don’t know how to help him through all of this. Part of me wants to be supportive and loving and tell him it’s going to be ok. But the other part of me is happy? that he’s feeling these things. Not that I want him in pain, but seeing how disgusted he is with his choices makes me feel better in a way. I feel like such a jerk for saying that, but I figured that if anyone would understand it would be my internet friends here at SI.
I am finding it hard to balance this. I do like that I’m seeing true remorse from him and that the pain and heartache of the situation isn’t a one way street. But I don’t like how low he is either. He’s said some very concerning things to me lately (doesn’t deserve me, doesn’t deserve to live because of the pain he’s caused) he is having meetings with his IC regularly and this situation is being addressed. I just don’t know how to balance helping him with his emotions when mine are still fresh.
11 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
Trying to keep it together with Covid
Covid is running its course through our house. DD started showing symptoms and tested positive on Thursday. WH, developed symptoms on Friday tested positive Saturday and I developed symptoms on Saturday and tested positive on Sunday. What a mess! Luckily, aside from fevers and just not feeling great, the symptoms have been mild.
After feeling a little better in recent weeks, it’s all kind of crashing on me. My mental health is struggling big time. It’s like my brain is swirling with memories of his A and I am drowning in it. WH is doing his best to remain loving and sweet, and is still being transparent with his phone and whatnot. I feel like I can’t bring anything up because everyone is down with covid and it’s not the right time. But I feel like I’m going to lose it!
I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this, but I needed to just get it out or something!
Also, this is me pouting for a minute, but this year has just been absolute shit. My husband cheated on me…TT’d me to death, the AP is a complete psycho, it took WH way too long to “get it” and I got covid on my birthday. F*ck this year!
EDIT: I told him that I’m having a bad mental day and he completely dismissed it. (Which isn’t like him anymore) Got irritated and said “why, you were fine before” I realize he’s a giant baby when he’s sick, but I’m sick too and I’m going through the shit HE brought into our lives on top of being sick.
3 comments posted: Monday, September 27th, 2021
Discovery phase is over...now what?
Question….after the discovery phase is over and you know all you need/want to know about the A. What does the recovery process look like from there?
I feel like discovery is finished for me. The A has been put to bed, so to speak. Most of our conversations about the A are basically about triggers, or memories (mine) of that time and the hurt that ensued from it. He expresses remorse and comforts me any time I need to talk about it. He is tackling comforting my sexual insecurities that have resulted and has currently being very mindful of what I need to feel safe, and has started showing me (by actions) that I am his priority, and fixing our marriage is his number 1 goal. No matter what. Mind movies are ceasing for me, and I can go stretches without thinking about what happened. I had 3 good days in a row last week!
So, basically, I have my timeline, I know all the details I want to know about the A, he is doing the things he needs to be doing to make the marriage feel safe-ish (not sure when/if complete safety will come back) I feel like things are going well right now.
What now, though? What are the next steps? I want to continue to move forward and make progress and hopefully have an even better marriage than before the A. What are some things that helped you continue moving forward, and what are some "benchmarks" that I should be looking for in WH as time goes on?
ETA: WH has been FAR from perfect...but over the last two weeks he seems to have pulled his head out of his ass and has begun to "man up" and take initiative to show me, with actions, that his words are true. He has a long way to go, but this positive progress has been very encouraging.
17 comments posted: Tuesday, August 31st, 2021
He's going to a bachelor party
I am struggling really hard today. I has been almost 6 months since DDay 1 (EA), and about 2 months since DDay 3 (PA). WH is doing all the right things, but he is going to a bachelor party this weekend. He is in his cousin’s wedding, and they are renting a house for the weekend at a busy lake nearby that is known for partying. He will be there with his dad, but my fear is completely taking over.
He says he will do whatever I need, so I can feel comfortable, but I don’t even know what to ask for. I have access to the phone records and he has Find my iphone turned on. He says he will check in with me, which seems like all he can do. Is there anything that I am missing…do any of you have suggestions of things he could possibly do to give more reassurance that everything is ok?
91 comments posted: Tuesday, August 17th, 2021
Should I indulge?
So, AP is a psychopath. She has constantly called/text/emailed since WH went NC in March. Aside from changing our phone numbers (which we are looking into) there is nothing we can do to stop her. She uses texting apps and changes her email constantly to get around the blocks we have had in place.
She text me the other day and told me to ask WH about the burner phone (I already knew about it) she was mad because after the last text she sent him asking for the phone, we responded together and said that it was in the trash and for her to leave him alone. This time, we decided to respond to her again and tell her to stop harassing us or we would take legal action against her. Well, that just set her off! She started texting incessantly about how big of a POS WH is (good, I hope you hate him!) and how she has screenshots of all of the messages that they sent back and forth. We never responded and blocked that number.
My dilemma is that I never got to see any of the messages that they sent...he had already deleted them by the time I found everything out. I would say our R is going as well as it could be...he is putting in the effort, IC, reading all the books and going out of his way to make sure that I am ok (especially when triggered) and is showing love constantly.
I know that the messages will probably crush me, but I can't help but wonder what they say. Is it worth it?
11 comments posted: Monday, August 16th, 2021