Newest Member: Dazedandconfused1978

Divorce/Separation :
Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!

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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 8:26 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

I tried doing the Imgur upload鈥ut it didn鈥檛 seem to work?

posts: 105   路   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8684729
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 12:39 AM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

Enjoy your day! Hope you're having a blast!

posts: 388   路   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8684744
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 1:12 AM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

馃 try this, with the imgur pic, once uploaded click the pic then grab the direct .jpeg link by right click > copy link (or copy link source/code... sorry on phone so can鈥檛 check ATM) and see if that gives you a link code that ends with .jpe and try that, I think that bypasses the imgur link and just gives you a direct pic link. SI has changed format recently so if imgur is not working try another site. I鈥檝e only posted a pic once but it was a few weeks ago and I had trouble too, I think the link that worked in the end was one that ended with a .jpg/.jpeg/.png

So excited to see Marley! It was heartwarming to read she warmed to you right away.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 1:14 AM, Sunday, August 22nd]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 185   路   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8684746
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:50 AM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

Very good news.

You see, even the sadness of separation from a dog that never hurt you can be relieved by another dog. Well, do you think that someone who gave you a lot of pain and is not worth it will never be filled? Time will tell, it seems much sooner than you expected.

posts: 520   路   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8684749
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 3:22 PM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

Still trying to work on the photo鈥ifferent image hosting sites are still not working..

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 3:25 PM, Sunday, August 22nd]

posts: 105   路   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8684788
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 6:44 PM on Sunday, August 22nd, 2021

I host my photos for stupid picture Friday down in off topic on my facebook. I upload them under the only me option for viewing so no one on my fb friends list sees them.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22087   路   registered: May. 10th, 2011   路   location: Canada
id 8684803
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 1:22 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Heya CCB!

I hope things continue looking up for you. How has it been?

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 20   路   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8686340
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 2:00 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Things continue to chug along.

I played with Marley, my new dog yesterday, and it felt so good! I can鈥檛 wait until I officially can adopt him and bring him home with me. I am moving into my new apartment on October 8 and will spend that weekend setting up some of the new furniture I have already bought. I will continue settling into the apartment during the following week, as much as I can after work! Then, my two best friends are coming into town the weekend of October 15 to hang out with me. I haven鈥檛 seen them for several months, let alone during all of this divorce mess, so I am really looking forward to that. Once I get all settled and cleaned up in the apartment, I plan to officially adopt Marley and bring him home (likely towards the end of October). I can鈥檛 wait!!

I think my ex is鈥lowly starting to crack. I have done pretty well at the No Contact thing. But she texted me out of the blue today - a "friendly" text telling me about this bakery we used to go to all the time finally starting to sell their pumpkin/fall themed pastries. I did not respond to that and will not. She lost the right to have "friendly chats" with me about random shit throughout the day. It鈥檚 just baffling to me that she can treat me like garbage for months鈥heat on me鈥ush us to divorce鈥nd then just nonchalantly text me as if everything is fine?? And expect me to just be like "oh hey wassup?" She鈥檚 still taking it for granted that I鈥檒l just be around whenever she has wants/needs to be filled. And it makes me feel shitty. Because I just feel fucking used. Even not responding I just feel shitty because she thinks she can use me. So continuing no contact, which I have been doing, and setting very clear boundaries will be better for me, I think.

But like鈥鈥檓 definitely not responding to her. Especially to this emotionally manipulative bullshit just because all of a sudden (I鈥檓 guessing) the dude she鈥檇 been cheating on me with isn鈥檛 wanting to be an emotional crutch for her and the weight of being responsible for literally everything is too much for her.

posts: 105   路   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8686345
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 2:42 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

It is good to see you are doing well.

It seems one of the stages a WS goes through after divorce proceedings have started is trying to be friends with the BS. This appears to be an attempt to assuage their guilt since if you will be their friend their actions must not have been that bad. This is just another manipulative action that is all about them.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   路   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8686353
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:02 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

The one thing constant with waywards is they want more. They want the friendship, companionship, and security they had with their BP along with the new and exciting with their AP. If they hadn't they would have separated before the A. It's also why most relationships with AP are doomed. No one relationship can fill all the holes in the WS. I had both my Ex and MIL wanting to remain friends. SMH. I don't need more friends and assuredly not ones I cant trust.

posts: 792   路   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8686359
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:11 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Yes, she was supposed to talk about her alleged marital problems with someone other than her husband, but if there was anyone she had to talk to about the bakery starting selling pumpkin/fall themed pastries, it's you. smile Maybe she thought you'd like to buy and eat from hundreds of miles away.

If I remember correctly, one of her excuses was something like that her AP was there for her and you weren't, right? Now you are not there, but when she wants she can find you wherever you are. So if she wanted to, she would have found then.

You are doing very well. You are absolutely right in your thoughts. For whatever reason she wrote, keep going to NC.

posts: 520   路   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8686361
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:17 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I believe reality is starting to show up. For one thing, your STBXW and AP no longer work on the same firm so it is highly likely that some void is starting to show up. She doesn't have a constant companion, she goes home with no one, maybe they still constantly hang up for smoke and beers but still, there are a lot of things missing on her life now.

As I've said before, their relationship is bound to fail. A relationship that started on the wrong side usually don't last. Her parents know AP already. They know that she cheated on you with him. So everything about their relationship is wrong from everyone's point of view. She can't just show him up to a family event and introduce him as a 'friend' when literally everyone knows what's going on.

Well, it's good to know that you're doing great now. Hope you're all good on that apartment. Continue with NC, block her if you must.

Some humor:

Send her one final message and state that moving forward all communications should be forwarded to your lawyer and block her afterwards.
She might reply that, well, you're a lawyer so I can forward my messages to you.

All the best!

posts: 388   路   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8686362
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 5:04 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

I shared the text with my sister (who has been a HUGE rock of support for me during all this) and her first response was, "OH WOW! You better hop on the next flight out there and grab some of those treats!"

Like鈥ad this type of message come to me a couple months ago, my sad self probably would have bought a dozen and had them waiting at home for my WW. But now? I can see exactly what she鈥檚 doing. She鈥檚 manipulating me, trying to make me feel bad by bringing up memories of a favorite place we used to go to together, trying to get me to respond so SHE can feel better about everything she鈥檚 doing. She is probably sad about coming home to an empty house, about having to spend her "Free time" taking care of the dog and not out fucking Mark, because she doesn鈥檛 have me there to do everything anymore.

Whatever.

I cannot WAIT to have my own apartment, my own dog, and my own adventures. Things are only looking up for me - and I need to remember that always in the moments when I feel down.

posts: 105   路   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8686372
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Crank0it0up ( new member #77202) posted at 10:15 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Well done

posts: 3   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2021   路   location: KY
id 8686389
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:46 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

But now? I can see exactly what she鈥檚 doing. She鈥檚 manipulating me, trying to make me feel bad by bringing up memories of a favorite place we used to go to together, trying to get me to respond so SHE can feel better about everything she鈥檚 doing. She is probably sad about coming home to an empty house, about having to spend her "Free time" taking care of the dog and not out fucking Mark, because she doesn鈥檛 have me there to do everything anymore.

That's why NC is more effective on her even than giving a negative answer. And so is indifference rather than showing emotions such as sadness or anger.

She's just starting to realize what you're giving her. And your unresponsiveness will begin to make her realize that she has lost them now.

You are probably right about that even her A was able to run comfortably thanks to the things you provided her. We cannot be sure that they can't spend their time together. Mark may be coming house because you're no longer there, but he sure doesn't provide what you provide and things may not be going well on that front. That doesn't mean she's ending her A with him, it's too early for that, but at least she's definitely starting to feel like she's missing something. It's really very selfish if it's just to get your friendship while she continues her A with him.
On the other hand, even if she realized she's irreversibly screwed up, she has to stick with Mark for a while, until she finds a new Mark to talk to about her problems in their relationship.

posts: 520   路   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8686390
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:18 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

It seems one of the stages a WS goes through after divorce proceedings have started is trying to be friends with the BS. This appears to be an attempt to assuage their guilt since if you will be their friend their actions must not have been that bad. This is just another manipulative action that is all about them.

There have been several reasons given why the STBX is being all chummy, and I agree with them, but I always thought the above hits closest to home. Guilt can be a heavy burden, so if someone is able to unload it, and better yet easily through a few texts.....how great would that be?

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   路   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   路   location: northeast
id 8686420
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

That's why NC is more effective on her even than giving a negative answer.

Though just wait until she start saying your NC is abusive to her rolleyes .

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   路   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8686430
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 4:44 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

rolleyes

This is why strong NC is so vital to our mental wellbeing. Your STBXWW is starting to roll out the predictable classics...

1. Hoovering

2. "Let鈥檚 be friends" mentality

馃槓

Both d*ck moves in my book. If you brake NC (major kudos for staying strong & not breaking it!) both tactics keep you on her hook, both allows her to remain avoiding ownership that she is a giant homewrecking POS, both allows her to remain the angel (in her bubble fantasy land eyes) and there are more that both does to the BS that I could list but the major one is it hinders and reverts our healing from this trauma... such a d*ck move. It is manipulative, it is selfish and it鈥檚 frustratingly clueless (on her end.)

Even if it was written semi tongue in cheek by heartfullofholes, get ready for more wayward classics. If she doesn鈥檛 go down the abuse accusation path she might take the 鈥榶ou鈥檙e being immature for ignoring her path. Get popcorn because some are a doozy.

Have you gone crazy buying goodies for Marley? It鈥檚 such a fun part, even if they do chew that new toy to shreds in 5 mins flat laugh

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 4:54 PM, Tuesday, August 31st]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 185   路   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8686437
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smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 6:10 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Cheesecakebaker,

Hate to burst your bubble but you should move forward with a dose of reality.

I think my ex is鈥lowly starting to crack.


This is wishful thinking on your part. It is an error for you to underestimate the resilience and deviousness of your former wife. You are by no means her first victim. You will not be the last to fall for her manipulations. In the unlikely event she is starting to crack who cares. She is no longer your problem.

But she texted me out of the blue today - a "friendly" text telling me about this bakery we used to go to all the time finally starting to sell their pumpkin/fall themed pastries.


The game she is playing is called push and pull. It is true she does not want you to move on but that isn't because she cares or misses you. You are her possession.

Congratulations are however in order because you did not respond. Also that you recognize that she is trying to manipulate you.

More reality

(I鈥檓 guessing) the dude she鈥檇 been cheating on me with isn鈥檛 wanting to be an emotional crutch for her and the weight of being responsible for literally everything is too much for her.


You shouldn't assume this is the case. Even if it is, she is no longer your problem. She still has a hold over you if you are worried about how good or bad she is doing without you.

She is probably sad about coming home to an empty house, about having to spend her "Free time" taking care of the dog and not out fucking Mark, because she doesn鈥檛 have me there to do everything anymore.


Whatever sadness your wife feels is over the fact she has lost control over you and the fantasy life she was living - you to pay the bills and look after the home while Mark looked after her. Her home will not be empty for long. Mark will not be her only prospect. He just doesn't realize this, yet. Regardless of what her situation actually is right now how does it concern you? Whatever thoughts you waste in this direction gives your former wife power over you.

If all the legal matters between you and your former wife have been settled BLOCK HER and ignore any and all communications that get through no matter how dire she paints her situation. Her communications will serve no purpose except to attempt to delay your departure and healing with her attempted manipulations.

posts: 139   路   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8686464
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster member #78991) posted at 1:47 AM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

@SmolderingDark:

Thanks for your message! You are right - there are certainly still things that I get caught up in my head (or have wishful thinking about) on my end. I cannot wait until the divorce is absolutely final and there are no more legal matters between us and I can officially be cut loose from her.

@LostInHisFog:

I most definitely HAVE bought a ton of toys and treats and fun things for Marley. It is awesome. Unfortunately, he is still with his foster family full-time (at least until mid-October, when I鈥檝e moved into my own place and have settled in a bit to make the transition easier for him). But I see him two or three times a week and always bring him a new toy or something for us to play with. He is a blast - he is so obedient, and just wants to have fun and make sure I am having fun too!

posts: 105   路   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8686550
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