Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!

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HeartFullOfHoles ( Member #42874) posted at 6:04 AM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Even if it was written semi tongue in cheek by heartfullofholes

Sadly it's my reality.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8686576
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 2:38 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Cheesecake

If all the legal matters between you and your former wife have been settled BLOCK HER and ignore any and all communications that get through no matter how dire she paints her situation. Her communications will serve no purpose except to attempt to delay your departure and healing with her attempted manipulations.

You're not going to quit your job and move back to where you came from. You made your decision, which was for sure the right one. All this conjecture of how she will wind up is meaningless. And not your concern.

You need to discipline yourself to not be manipulated but I would not totally block her because of ONE thing. If the folks here are correct and she winds up going from man to man in meaningless relationships, you former dog IS certainly going to become a burden on her social life, which is why many of us urged you to take the dog regardless of what she might do legally, which no one knew for sure.

You do not want to find out that your former dog would up in an animal shelter because she was blocked and could not even tell you she was not keeping it. That could still happen regardless but my guess is if she gets really desperate she will use the dog to try to lure you in. My advice it is worth that risk to maybe insure you can either save your dogs life or take him to where you are.

As time goes by not being lured by any other shit will become easier. Just my opinion. I know many will differ but you cared enough for your former dog to try to take him. I hope you told her during the discussions that you would hope she gives you a heads up if necessary.

You have a bright future. Good luck to you.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8686596
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

@BeyondRage:


If all the legal matters between you and your former wife have been settled BLOCK HER and ignore any and all communications that get through no matter how dire she paints her situation. Her communications will serve no purpose except to attempt to delay your departure and healing with her attempted manipulations.

All the legal matters are not yet settled. My recent updates here were not intended to demonstrate that I am still "pining" after my STBXW, or that I am constantly thinking about her or still debating whether or not NC is the right move...rather, it was a way for me to vent out my annoyance and frustration at her actions in texting me "friendly" messages for no reason other than to attempt to manipulate me.

I know that I made the right decision and I am sticking to it.

You need to discipline yourself to not be manipulated but I would not totally block her because of ONE thing. If the folks here are correct and she winds up going from man to man in meaningless relationships, you former dog IS certainly going to become a burden on her social life, which is why many of us urged you to take the dog regardless of what she might do legally, which no one knew for sure.

...

As time goes by not being lured by any other shit will become easier. Just my opinion. I know many will differ but you cared enough for your former dog to try to take him. I hope you told her during the discussions that you would hope she gives you a heads up if necessary.

This I agree with. I made clear to her before I moved that if the dog became a burden to her, or if she felt it was too much to handle, that she was to get in touch with me first and that I would assume responsibility and care for him immediately. I even made sure to include this in the separation agreement that I filed. Furthermore, the dog is micro-chipped and it is registered in my name. If, worst case, he ends up in a shelter, I will be notified and will go get him right away.

When all the legal matters are settled and final, my plan is to send her a final message of something along the lines: "Please do not contact me again - unless it is to tell me that I need to come pick up [the dog]."

Thank you for the well wishes. I am hopeful for the future and know that with each passing day I am moving farther away from the betrayal, the sadness, the anger that I have been feeling over the last several months and am taking steps closer towards a better, happier life.

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 5:33 PM, Wednesday, September 1st]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8686638
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 10:11 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

You're almost there. A few more steps and everything is done.
I can see that you're healing up pretty well. You no longer care whatever message she send to you. You now see the real person in her. It was there lying dormant for the longest time and it only showed up this year.
All the best and good luck on your new apartment and new puppy.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8686678
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 2:23 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Cheescakebaker,

More reality for you...

When all the legal matters are settled and final, my plan is to send her a final message of something along the lines: "Please do not contact me again - unless it is to tell me that I need to come pick up [the dog]."

If you truly wish to move forward and rebuild you cannot clutch at the straws of your old life. Your wife knows the dog is important to you. Your dog is leverage and it always has been. The one bargaining chip / hold she has left over you. Why else do you think she wanted it?

You already chose to leave the dog behind per your separation agreement. Your time and opportunity to fight for possession of the dog or take it has past. If you are truly intent on moving on DO NOT send ANY final message.

Let me ask you the following hypothetical. Let us say your former wife does call you to tell you to collect the dog for whatever reason. Then you arrive at her place to learn that she has changed her mind. What recourse do you have available to you? None? It is now her dog and she can deny it to you as easily as she can offer it to you. Do you truly believe that your former wife will act in good faith in anyway at this point?

You already gave up the dog. It's gone. Let it go. Do not allow your wife to use it as leverage or a lure to draw you into whatever nonsense she may attempt in future.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 2:43 PM, Thursday, September 2nd]

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8686713
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 5:21 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Unfortunately, I agree regarding your pet. Like your stbexw, this pet is also a stbexp. You have a current pet, and will eventually have a lady in your life. It may sound harsh, but both of these ex's are from another life that you have left beyond. Develop relationships with what is in front of you.

It will be less painful in the long run.

posts: 586   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8686729
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 6:13 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Awful lot of interpretation about the meaning of a single dumb ass text. Maybe she thinks it’s something you wanted to order online. Or maybe just thought you might have a good memory. I wouldn’t give it 2 seconds thought.

Don’t over analyze over the dog. If you get an opportunity to take it, take it.

You are doing fine. Keep it up.

posts: 1058   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8686733
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:56 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

When all the legal matters are settled and final, my plan is to send her a final message of something along the lines: "Please do not contact me again - unless it is to tell me that I need to come pick up [the dog]."

No contact is up to you. Not her. You don’t get this you will keep yourself bound.

Drop the hopium pipe.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8686761
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 5:13 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

CB, some of these posting may sound a little harsh or shall we say "dark"? smile But what they are trying to help you see is that your expressed thoughts regarding her text to you are certain "tells", so to speak, of how far you have yet to grow and heal. If you read again the beginning of your JFO story, I'm sure you see how desperately you were being manipulated. You have come so far already, it is really amazing how well you have got up off of the mat and continued the fight, to use a boxing metaphor. You are seeing her manipulation much clearer now, for sure, but their experience still sees some of what you probably do not - the depth to which she is still in your head. And of course she would be, she should be, she is/was your wife, for crying out loud. But as you climb out of this hole, the crab in the bucket is trying to pull you back in - and will continue to do so.

I read something last night that rang true.

"The mere fact that a man is accustomed from his earliest years to have women around, to find their presence `normal,' their absence `abnormal,' tends to make him dependent on women in later life."


and,

"One of the most useful factors in the conditioning of a man is praise. Its effect is better and much more lasting than say, sex, as it may be continued throughout a man's life. Furthermore, if praise is applied in the correct dosage, a woman will never need to scold. Any man who is accustomed to a conditional dosage of praise will interpret its absence as displeasure."


I think your WW understands these things well. You're doing good. Stay the course. Strength.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8686817
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 6:01 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

@CuriousObserver:

Thank you for sharing those quotes. I appreciated reading them.

And I agree with you - and everyone - the doses of reality (however harsh) are needed, as I know I still have much work to do. I, luckily, found a therapist recently that I really vibe well with. I met with her for my third session yesterday and I am really looking forward to continue my work and development with therapy. She specializes in infidelity-based trauma, which I definitely need... A lot of people in my life have already been suggesting they could set me up on dates and asking me when I am going to go out with another woman...and I am just...not at all close to being ready for that. I'm not! My therapist was very helpful in moving beyond that at all and straight-up asking me if I am even ready to be "fully social" (i.e., making new friends). I told her, honestly, I am not. I explained that so much has happened in my life within the past two months that I am just exhausted - even if I don't want to admit it to myself. I said that it feels like my "social gas tank is perpetually on empty and I can't find a gas station to fill it up at anywhere."

My therapist said this is a common feeling and that I need to really focus my time and energy right now on 1) setting and sticking to healthy boundaries and 2) dating and befriending only myself. I agree. I get the need to be around other people and have friendships but like...my sister keeps trying to invite me out to social activities with her friend group (all around my age) and I've gone to a few and I'm just like...so tired. I have enjoyed the occasions that I have had to visit with my old friends that I have known and been close to for years, but actually making new friends right now is a real struggle for me. Not even to get into the thought/prospect of dating or being intimate with somebody else right now.

crying

Anyway, The stuff CuriousObserver shared about "praise" and men really hit me hard. Definitely applies to me. I think even receiving praise from strangers online (here) affects me in that way--and so hearing that I am doing really good makes me feel like I am farther along than I really might be. Then to hear the "darker" doses of reality kind of brings me down.

I guess...I took a lot of advice and moved forward with a lot of what people suggested I do here early on...and now that I am wrapping up the divorce process, and have moved away and started a new job and struggle every single day to stop thinking about my STBXW...I am having a hard time figuring out the best way to CONTINUE my journey forward through grief and healing.

In the middle of finding out and deciding to divorce, everything seemed so "logistically simple" and "procedural"...

1) file papers,

2) pack my stuff,

3) move out,

4) start new job,

5) find new apartment,

6) ... etc., etc.

Now, I've done all that...and I'm like...what is the next step? Therapy? Check. Still proceeding with that.

I know everyone says "no contact, no contact, no contact." I get it; I'm doing that. But what else CAN I do right now?

As CuriousObserver also pointed out, my STBXW is STILL deep in my head, no matter how much "NO CONTACT" I'm doing. In fact, last night I had a horrid dream about her where I discovered she and Mark had started posting GIFs of their sexual adventures on NSFW Subreddits...I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and haven't been able to shake those thoughts and awful feelings from my mind and body today. It's awful, it's depressing, it causes me anxiety, it makes me not want to go to sleep so I don't have to risk having similar dreams and permeating thoughts all throughout the next several days. I have found myself turning to "workaholism" as a coping mechanism which, while better than wallowing away with a bottle of alcohol, is still unhealthy and detrimental.

sigh. I am sorry for the long, rambling, venting post. Despite trying as hard as I can to put on a brave face and keep moving forward...I feel really weak, downtrodden, beaten.

If anyone has advice/encouragement they can offer me based on their own experience...I'd appreciate it. What do you do in the interim between taking all the necessary steps to commence the divorce and leave the marriage and start...moving on? I just kinda feel lost...

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 6:01 PM, Thursday, September 2nd]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8686833
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DragnHeart ( Member #32122) posted at 6:35 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Im not divorced so take with a grain of salt.

I feel you need time to grieve. You did everything right, took the steps to get out of infidelity and start a new life but have you taken the time to really grieve the life you lost?

Its ok to miss, be sad about your old life.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 21880   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8686844
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neveragain2929 ( New Member #76096) posted at 8:54 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

For me, I still deal with the trauma 25 years later. I was a broken man for years and I made a lot of really bad decisions and hurt people in relationships after I was cheated on. You are doing so well in getting counselling and focusing on yourself. Keep up the good work. From my experience and I am sure like so many others here it will never go fully away you will always wonder what could have been.

What worked for me was throwing myself into sports and other types of things that I could do in a social group but not have any pressure to talk one on one. I used recreation to give me nights out and I found myself looking forward to Wednesday night volleyball or soccer or whatever I could find at the local sports league offered by my city.

While sports worked for me it might not be for you. Find something you like. Sign up for a course and learn something. Pick a night and make it your night out. I always found it worse when I was sitting at home and let my thoughts get to me. So when I picked one or two nights and I had paid for a class or league. I was forced me to drag my ass out and face the world and not sit in my room and think.

It sounds like your sister is awesome! You should ask her if she would like to do something together every week. When the two of you get bored with it change the activity to something else.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2021
id 8686874
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 9:26 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

A lot of people in my life have already been suggesting they could set me up on dates and asking me when I am going to go out with another woman...and I am just...not at all close to being ready for that.

I will never understand why people do this. Like give the person some time geeze. I'm not sure I ever want to be in a relationship again and there is nothing wrong with that either. We don't all need to be paired up and married to be happy rolleyes

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8034   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8686879
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:29 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Keep pushing forward. Don't worry about being a workaholic. You just started a new job. Throwing yourself completely into your work will make points with your employer. I admire that you are able to do that given what you have been through. But continue socializing with friends and family. It is not healthy to sit around and brood about your past life. You will have ups and downs, but you will survive and ultimately thrive. You were in a poisonous relationship. It will take time for that poison to leave your system. Just keep the faith. It is great that you are in therapy with someone versed in infidelity. That person will give you perspective and help you heal. Stay NC as much as possible. Your divorce should be extremely clean. There really isn't anything left to discuss with her. Keep it that way. Remember that some waywards attempt to stay friendly in order to ease their guilt and negate their behavior. Don't give her that gift.

posts: 413   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8686880
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:14 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

I think even receiving praise from strangers online (here) affects me in that way--and so hearing that I am doing really good makes me feel like I am farther along than I really might be. Then to hear the "darker" doses of reality kind of brings me down.

But you are doing a really great job. I'm not saying this to cheer you up. We read hundreds of cases here and you are among the best and fastest of those who have to deal with it.
That doesn't mean you have to feel perfect. Something has happened to you that is out of your control and that you have never experienced before. You can't get out of there and be happy in a few days. When we say "you're doing very well", we mean "you're doing the best you can under these conditions".
Think about it, was there anything else you could have done differently and worked out better in this situation? Eliminate the options that involve saving the marriage from the very beginning. She's already showing why this would be wrong. As for the options for ending the marriage, everything is progressing as quickly and smoothly as possible.
So why not think that everything is going well? Continued trauma? It's not something that will get healed in a day. But it will get better. And it seems that again at an above-average speed.
How can you get your STBX out of your head? Therapy is a good step. Anything else to keep your mind busy helps; work, socializing, hobbies, sports etc. Most importantly, you say you're not ready yet, but one day when you feel ready and you find someone who deserves you, you won't be able to think about her even if you wanted to.
Yes, we say keep doing to NC, but only with your STBX. You seem to have a great supporting family and circle of friends. You can talk to them about these issues, about the things that bother you.

Lastly, when you post updates, we say that she will screw things up. I believe in this. Because cheating itself is a mess, and it shows the disorder of the personality. These people usually screw everything up. But that doesn't mean that one day she'll come to your door and say she's sorry and beg you to take her back. These are possible but likely not to happen. First of all, there is pride and not admitting one's own mistake. Even if things don't go well with Mark, she's more likely to pursue others than come to you, which is much better for you. Maybe you'll get a little "I was wrong" confession and a desire to be friends. The bakery message can also be a sign of this. But it's not important, you're done with her now, she is no longer your problem. The reason we put emphasis on these things is never to give you a hope about her, but to realize that you were a prize and all these bad choices are on her. Her understanding of this will not change anything for you.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8686930
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 1:26 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

CB- I do agree with the others, you have taken huge leaps in your journey out of infidelity. THis next phase is a bit challenging b/c you will have lots of time on your own.

This next phase just takes time. You will have a new dog, apartment, and your new job will keep you busy. Take it easy on yourself over these next three weeks and set small goals for yourself each week.

I think once you hit Oct. you're going to be doing a lot better once you get your dog. Don't beat yourself up until then.

Work out, read, and concentrate on the new job. The ex will pop in and out of your mind throughout the day. All perfectly normal. Stay NC and keep going. A single lawyer with a dog, man you're going to have to keep the groupies away before long

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8686932
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 3:16 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

One thing I did to get through the initial stages of being alone was to dive right in to a brand new hobby (or in my case 3 or 4 possible new hobbies). I tried learning guitar (didn't take), painting (didn't take), I bought myself some childish stuff that I still had some passing interest in the form of a couple of Lego sets, and finally found the hobby that I enjoyed with Baseball cards. The good thing about the hobby is that it's turned into a side investment in the values some of these bring in.

If there's ANYTHING you've always dreamed of trying, NOW is the time to do it!

posts: 58   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8687017
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LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 5:13 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Hey CCB.

You put a grin on my face when I read you’ve already started toy shopping for Marley. Honestly once Marley is with you full time having that new family member to love and care for is a great step in the direction of "what now" because they just naturally take our attention and you won’t feel so a drift as the newly single guy.

Now is the time to get to know yourself, as my therapist pointed out to me I have never had to live with myself as I grew into an adult, during my adulthood there was always the spouse who put their needs and agenda first, was controlling the narrative and living and ageing with that is a distraction, I made compromises etc... so I’ll point out to you, during your adulthood development during your twenties, you were also a couple and I bet you compromised, there are things you like or don’t like because of her influences and now you have the time to find out your nuisances, have fun exploring and discovering, try things you never tried because you knew she wouldn’t like it, revisit day dreams and left of field interests, try and pin point large compromises and start giving yourself permission to enjoy and engage in those things again. You might find things you only like out of habit. It is one of the cooler perks about this shitty experience, having the luxury of time to get to know yourself by doing things you wouldn’t have tried when you were a couple.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 5:31 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8687042
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 CheesecakeBaker (original poster Member #78991) posted at 11:43 PM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

I wanted to share pictures of Marley. .... but still can't get the image posting to work on the site :(

[This message edited by CheesecakeBaker at 11:49 PM, Sunday, September 5th]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021
id 8687246
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 2:49 AM on Monday, September 6th, 2021

Take your time. I usually share through google docs but that's only for my close friends and colleagues. That would basically giving away too much info about yourself... grin grin

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8687251
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